I have begged for relief and almost gave up until now and it hit me out of the blue. I think they call it an Epiphany??? I think it's God.
Our son came home last weekend to take Crazy Girlfriend to prom. Bro-in-law drove him 18 hrs just to do this....even with my husbands sister supposedly in the hospital....INSANE. He was here from Friday until Sunday and did not come to see anyone. Needless to say there were some heated words exchanged and once again we were really hurt. We are positive that she would not allow him to come over. I even told him I would leave so he could come and see his Dad, little brother and sister. So we sat here on Mother's Day....cancelled any plans we had and waited on him to show which he never did.
He would text very hurtful, disrespectful things and I finally told him not to contact me and he said that it was a "final goodbye". I was determined to stick to this for awhile. He continued sending me rude text msgs.
A friend of mine gave me a copy of a devotional that she printed of the net and the following statement almost knocked me out of my chair:
Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes: they are hand tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. When you start to feel stressed let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependance on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.
John 15:5, 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, Ephesians 5:20
This spoke to me on every level and have realized some things.
First...our son is wanting to be a man but he's still a kid. The reason we don't recognize him and all of this junk he is spewing is because it is not from him. He is taking on the opinions of others....the ones he surrounded himself with to get his way. Nothing would please Crazy Girlfriend and my husband's sister more than to drive an irrepairable wedge in our relationship. I will not allow that to happen. My need to speak my mind and speak up for myself must now take a backseat to saving my relationship with my son. The truth will all come out but it will never be accepted coming from my lips.
At this point when I receive a text or something is told to me that hurts or baits me for an argument I will change the subject and never let on that it has bothered me.
He will hopefully get his GED on the 17th. I'm going to pray hard that he does and I'm going to do everything in my power to get him started at school in the Fall. I'm sure that they will try to upstage me in this but I will still do what I can and if they do he will still know that I tried. I talked to him yesterday about his plans and offered him things from the house to get him started in an apartment and told him I would get the stuff he needed if he was in a dorm. He seemed suprised.
Finally....I realized that this whole situation is hurting us tremendously and we have fought the situation, but maybe God has allowed him to be in this situation to teach him something and by me fighting it I am getting in God's way of teaching our son a life lesson. Who am I to do that? I know how much I love my son and I know that God loves him even more. This is a lesson to me in letting go and letting God handle it. I let go and take it back. God is working here....instead of gloom and doom which is all I have seen....I now see that this is God working. He is changing us and I pray that he is going to work hard and keep our son safe. He is teaching me that I need to put my hand over my mouth and since I have a hard time with that I'm going to ask him to put His hand there until I get it down. When I feel the need to vent...I will go to Him instead of a friend...because noone truly understands but Him and noone can protect or child or help us deal with all of this except Him.
So that is my epiphany....I pray that I can keep this attitude.
As I was getting out of the truck I saw her. She was slowly moving around her car to pump gas. My heart started beating ninety to nothing….I had not seen her in three years. I had not spoken to her since the day she told me how I would be responsible for my son being a retard because he was on medication for ADHD. I had not had any contact since I returned her large checks that she sent us for Christmas. That had always been her way of smoothing things over. Now…three years later…here she was…
I always looked at my Grandma with awe. She was so beautiful and seemed so smart. I always craved her affection and attention, and I always wanted to please her. The problem was I never could. I’m not the lone ranger…to hear it told my Daddy couldn’t please her either. To hear it told I wonder why she ever had children, because she sure didn’t seem to like Daddy, and she definitely has nothing for me.
My parents married out of necessity. Daddy went with Mama to tell her parents that she was pregnant, but he wouldn’t allow her to go with him to tell his. From what I understand my Grandma went nuts. She always thought my Mama was trash because they had no money. She tried to pay Daddy to leave Mama, but he wouldn’t. Probably the only reason he stayed with her was to spite Grandma. Mama moved in with them after they married. I can not imagine what she went through, but she said as soon as I arrived Grandma had changed her tune. She said that she loved me and was so proud of me…then came my brother.
My brother has been the apple of her eye as long as I can remember. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, but sometimes I think she went out of her way to prove it. As a little kid I did not understand it, and one day when I was about twelve I asked her. “Mamaw, why do you give him all the attention and I get in trouble for what he does.” Her response was that they had me for four years and I got the attention. It was now his turn. I’m telling you he could slap my face and I would get fussed at.
My parents were not well off by any means. They struggled and had it not been for my grandparents we would not have had a lot of things that we had. My Grandma was very ANTI-Name brand. Well, she was for me. I remember in junior high and high school, before clothes shopping at Walmart was acceptable for teenagers, that is where she would take me. I was grateful that she would buy anything for me so I did not complain. Sometimes she would make me put it up if it had a name brand on it.,,.even at Walmart. You can imagine how difficult it was to find things without a label. But I made the best of it…I tried to pick items that pleased her…and tried to show her how much I appreciated it. Then my brother would go the next weekend and he would get alligator boots, and name brand everything. I was scared if I questioned it I would be told I was ungrateful. So I didn’t for a while.
In college I started competing in pageants. The first year I entered three and I placed in one. I loved the feel of the stage and performing. My family was very supportive, but after I lost my local competition she made it known that I would NOT enter another one and they would not attend if I did because as she put it she was “tired of jumping every time she poots.” I, of course, did not know that she had said this. The next year I entered again, and it was then that I learned of her remarks and her feelings about it. This was the first time that I remember my parents really acknowledging how she did me. We didn’t say anything about the pageant, but she heard it from an Aunt and then it was on. The next thing I knew my Papaw would not speak to me. I had no idea why. He would literally ignore me and it broke my heart. I asked Daddy and he told me that she told my Papaw that I did not want them at the Pageant and all kinds of stuff that was not true. He wouldn’t listen to anyone that spoke against her or told anything that contradicted what she said. So I suffered.
I won that pageant and I represented our town at the State Competition. The woman who did not want anything to do with supporting my efforts now could not get enough of me. At first I enjoyed it because for once she really seemed to like me, but then it started getting old and I saw it for what it was. I no longer was M* her grandaughter….I was introduced as “This is my grandaughter, Miss V***”. Yeah…she was proud, but not of me….just my title.
Growing up I heard her bad-mouth my parents anytime they were not around. It was awful and I guess because we were younger we thought it was normal. As we got older we realized it wasn’t. We also heard the stories Daddy told about growing up and he was a tortured soul. One day I had dropped by the house on my way to College. My Papaw always had me stop by so he could load me up with drinks and stuff to take to the dorm. He had gone back to work and I headed over. She and I were talking and visiting and she proceeded to start slamming my parents for nothing. I stood up to her….for the first time in my life…I stood up to her. I told her I did not appreciate her speaking about them like that and I don’t remember what all was said but her personality changed instantly and she denied ever saying anything. I told her she was lying. She talked and smoothed it and was sweet and loving. I instantly told my parents because it was not like me to speak up and I felt bad because I felt like I had disrespected her, but I was so tired of her disrespecting them. Daddy told me to get ready because she would look for a way to get me back and put me in my place. Wow…he wasn’t lying.
For a while everything seemed fine. Then Christmas came and I had decided to move overseas and get married. Christmas was always big around our house and my Grandparents always either stayed with us Christmas Eve or came bright and early the next morning as we got up. This particular Christmas Papaw had wanted to take me shopping for my Christmas stuff, but he was not feeling well so he couldn’t do a lot of walking. So Grandma went with us and he would sit in the mall while we shopped. There were two things that Papaw wanted to get me…a trench coat and my carry on piece for my luggage. We got those two things and got them on a really good sale. Then he wanted me to shop for some clothes. I would look for items on sale and when Papaw was out of ear shot she would remind me I already had a piece of luggage and trench coat. When he was around she acted like she was really excited about shopping with me. She wanted to get me a “gunny pack”…you know those purse looking things you strap around your waist. I wanted NOTHING to do with one of those and told her that I really didn’t think I would use it. I ended up getting a sweatshirt out of the “old lady section” and pair of jeans that were on clearance. I may have gotten another sweater…..And that was about it. So Christmas morning comes and they are bringing in loads of presents. Mom, Dad and Brother had these huge stacks and stacks of stuff. I had a very small stack. Papaw kept asking, “Sugar where are yours?” And he’d look under the tree. My brother got Carhartt everything and a gun and hunting stuff. Tons of clothes. My parents got $500 each then stacks of gifts….clothes, hunting stuff and things for the house. My presents were labeled from Mamaw and Papaw and they included the luggage piece, coat, sweater, sweatshirt and jeans. Then there were two presents that were labeled “from Mamaw”. One was the gunny sack and the other was disposable panties. Brother was upset and pulled Daddy to the back and asked if I was getting anything else. Mama was furious and Daddy was waiting to see if Papaw had planned to give me money when he left. Papaw seemed confused and I felt awkward. After they left Mama went and got her money and gave it to me. She said she didn’t want their “d**m money.” She never curses. Found out later that Papaw thought the reason I only had a few presents compared to everyone else was because Grandma gave me money instead. The one time Daddy stood up for me was after I flew out and it was about Christmas. He and Papaw went toe to toe about it because Daddy spoke against my Grandma. The next day Papaw was in congestive heart-failure. Daddy made sure to let me know that it was because he stood up for me.
Papaw died about two years later. It was devastating to us…actually I don’t know that is even an accurate enough description. I stayed with her. I was really worried about her and despite the way she treated me I loved her. I weathered the little remarks that she made to me about how Papaw didn’t like how I did this or that. She really made some bizarre comments that made no sense to me. After the funeral I soon went back home to Belgium. When I first moved over there I had orders to call them once every few weeks…I thought it was orders from them….it was actually from him. After he was gone it was pretty clear she really didn’t care for me calling. I called one day very upset, homesick, missing Papaw and confused because of the things that she had said. I asked her..”Mamaw do you think Papaw knew I loved him?” Her response…”I don’t know if he knew you loved him or not.” Conversation was short and basically one sided. I didn’t call again.
Fast forward a few years….I had moved home, divorced and remarried a man with a beautiful little boy. His wife had died and I adopted this precious child. She was now living in another state and the only time I heard from her was when I called. Sometimes the conversations were good and she was a sweet loving person….other times she was short and cold. I pretty much knew how to gauge her and I had learned from an early age to be careful of what you say when she’s nice because when her mood changes she will cut your throat with it. My parents always tried to teach me that, but it actually took me experiencing it myself.
With us only having one child, she ate him up. Of course, she made it a point one day to tell me I needed to get a book on how to be a Mother when I corrected him in her presence. My second child came and for some reason I wished she was there. I had some fairytale dream that she would change her opinion of me through my children. Sad…I thought the same thing about Daddy, but that is another story.
She moved back home and basically next door to my Dad and brother after my parents divorced. I remember when I went to help her move I would make suggestions, but she would have to run them by my brother first. Everything had to have his approval. I finally just left. My sister-in-law and I went and painted the house before she came down and I figured that was good enough if my opinion was not worthy of hearing.
Even with her home I didn’t hear much from her unless I called or went to visit. She ate my second child up, but now the first one was forgotten. He could do nothing right in her eyes…at all. When I unexpectedly got pregnant with our third child we were surprised but very excited. I went to tell her and her response was NOT what I expected at all. “OH M** don’t you know what causes that! Goodness…Hmmph…I guess I’m going to have to change all my money around.” I was flabbergasted. She was not happy at all….you would have thought I was a 15 year old high school student pregnant for the first time… not a married mom of two. I just played nice and left.
When my third child came she came to the hospital and I was so excited to see her there. She stayed for a while and made a fuss over me not being fed for so long and them taking too long to do my “tubal”. I so enjoyed her being there, but I think that is the last happy memory.
She’s a fanatic about medicine and fumes and many other things. One day after I went back to work K** got sick. She said she would gladly keep her for me so I took her and told her what to give her as far as tylenol and instructions on feeding her. When I went to pick her up she had not given her the medicine because she said she didn’t need it…and she had fever. She instructed me that I had not been feeding her properly and I needed to learn to feed her better. My baby never stayed with her again.
After a little while it seemed that our oldest could do no right, our middle one could do no wrong and our youngest one didn’t exist, unless of course other people were around. I recognized it plain as day as how I grew up, and I just could not allow someone to do that to my kids. I could not allow my kids to give their hearts and unconditional love to someone who would turn them inside out like she had done me.
My middle child was diagnosed with ADHD. He was always extremely skinny and tall. The doctor said it was nothing to be concerned about because his weight would catch up with his height. I did not want to put him on medication because I didn’t feel comfortable with it, but he was not learning at school. As soon as we started the meds…that changed and he was catching up. During this time I got raked across the coals by not only her but Daddy about my son’s weight and him taking the meds. If he stayed with either of them he usually didn’t take the meds because if I sent them it would be a fight and a hassle that I just did not want to get into. I heard that she thought that I would not feed my child, I did not take care of my kids, and I allowed the TV to babysit them….unreal. My sitter lived behind her so that made it worst because then she said that my sitter was raising my kids and not me.
I finally had it…I went to visit her one day. She had a sewing box full of stuff that she was going to give me. Then she started in about my son and pointing out all the things I was doing wrong and how I was not a good mother. There was no explaining his condition to her. She would not listen to what the Dr said or how his educational achievement had improved. She was just letting me have it. Then she told me…and I kid you not…that he would grow up to be a retard and I would be responsible. I BLEW….I very nicely asked, “Why do you hate me so much? I have loved you unconditional, but you have done this to me all my life and I want to know why. What did I do to you?” She said she didn’t know what I was talking about that it was all in my head and everything had to revolve around me. We got into it and I told her I did not need any parenting tips from her because the last time I checked she didn’t get no Mother of the Year Award. I told her that I was not a fool and that Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister-in-Law saw how she did me. I told her I knew a lot more about things than she thought I knew. I knew she tried to pay Daddy to leave us. I told her she needed some serious medication for her mood swings and she told me if I wanted to see crazy to look in the mirror. I left all of the stuff there and left. I was furious, but I felt good because for the first time I stood up to her…for myself and for my kids. God knows no one else ever did or ever would. Daddy said he was glad and that he had told me for the longest time to stay away from her and I would not listen. Mom was surprised and thought it was great. To this day I wonder why they never did it for me when I was a kid. They admit it was not my imagination….they just couldn’t do it.
Her way of smoothing things over is to throw a check in the mail. Money fixes everything…but not this time. She sent my oldest his birthday check and I mailed it back to her unopened. She mailed us a Christmas card with a very large check and I sat down and penned her a letter. Put it in the envelope with the check and went and taped it to her door.
From the best of my memory my letter went:
Thanks but no thanks. Until you can start respecting me as an adult, mother and a granddaughter your money is not wanted nor needed. Until you love and recognize all three of my children your money is not wanted nor needed. If you ever do have a change of heart and would like to have a relationship with me where you can respect me as I respect you please come by or call and we will have coffee.
I have never heard from her.
So now I’m sitting at the gas station, 3 yrs later. My heart is racing and I’m watching her through the mirror. I want to take in the site of her because I DO love her and it‘s been so long since I‘ve seen her. She’s my Mamaw. I run in to get my things, very nervous about what type of reaction she will have if we bump into each other. I’m at the counter and in she walks. I look at her, smile and say “Hey”….she just nods. She pushes her buggy by me. Determined to try to talk to her I turn and say “How have you been?” She never stops….just says “Fine.” and walks by. As she walks by she pats my arm and says “I didn’t recognize you.” She never stopped. She never asked how things were. She never asked about her great grandchildren….she just kept walking.
I have no regrets. I stood up for myself and my kids. Nothing hurts worst than loving a family member that doesn’t love you back. I thought it was hurtful with her, but it was just a drop in the bucket compared to what I’m going through now. My parents never stood up for me….I wonder why. The only thing I can figure is that they felt so indebted to them both, didn’t want to upset Papaw and didn’t want to face her wrath. Sometimes it makes me angry and it hurts, but it’s ok. I stopped it with mine. I have good memories with her and those are the ones I hold onto and in my mind I pretend that she did love me and she just couldn’t control the other side of her personality. It’s sad that she never really knew who I was and her only idea of me is a person she made up in her mind. I loved her…I love her now and I hope that she is happy and well in all things.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My Personal Hell
Where do I begin to describe the place that I have found myself. It seems like just yesterday I had a precious blonde haired 4 yr old asking me to be his Mama, and now 14 years later I have lost my first born. He was not born from me but from my heart and part of it is now gone.
My little boy was the brightest, sweetest kid you could ever meet. He was everything to me, and I was so proud of what he had endured and overcome in his life. He lost his Mother at a young age but never let it define who he was. We had such high hopes for him and his future and our lives revolved around him. When he wanted to play baseball for a certain school we sold our house to get in that school district. He was so talented and we sunk tons of money into developing that talent. We tried to give him every opportunity to shine and become who he wanted to be.
What I'm dealing with has become so complex I don't know how to even put it all into words to describe. There are so many stories to tell...so much that leads up to how we got here. All I do know is that sometimes I feel I will either die of heartbreak or loose my sanity. I go to bed each night with him on my mind and wake up every morning with the same thoughts running through my mind...all thoughts of him and what he is becoming and what we all have become through him.
I figured I could write about it....maybe it would help sort things...help me get a grasp on reality and figure out what I can do to make things better or see where I went wrong. Noone reads this blog much anyway so why not use it for my own therapy? At this point I'm desperate and will try anything.
How can a girl twist a boy around so tight that she changes him as a person to the point that he lies, abandons his family and then destroys all that they love? How can family members that you are supposed to depend on undermind you at every turn then turn their backs on you like trash on the street....just based on what a kid says? How can your own father turn his back on you because of something a 18 yr old kid says to get his way and never once listen to what you say?
December 3, 2009 my blonde haired blue eyed baby boy turned 18. December 5th he walked out of our house and never came home. Since then my Dad turned his back on me, my brother has nothing to do with me, my husbands family does everything they can to encourage his behavior and drive a wedge as deep as possible. But this hell that we are living didn't start then...it started 3 years ago when she stepped into my driveway. Now it seems that we are living in hell and our walls are plastered with nothing but bad memories.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Man get a sitter or stay your butt at home!
I have to have a little rant.
Our neighbor has two young boys that are good friends with my son. One is in 7th grade and one in 4th....they are precious kids and ALL BOY. Their Mom ran off and left and their Dad is a single Dad. I have no idea what the reason was with her leaving. I heard she was bi-polar, on drugs and an alcoholic. I know she worked on a pole and one time got picked up for DUI when he was out of town and there was noone to get the kids. It's just a pitiful situation.
He has seemed like an attentive Dad for the most part and I always thought it was cool how he was raising his boys on his own because let's face it you just don't see that very often. Of course, I have gotten irritated when he asked if the boys could stay over while he went to lunch with someone but then didn't come back until 10 at night. BUT....he is a man.
I think I have changed my mind!
Last weekend my son wanted them to stay the night and I told him it wasn't a good night. The next day he told me I should have let them because the Dad "went out" and left them at home AND DID NOT COME HOME!! I asked him how the boys were and if they were scared and he said that they really got scared until he either called or showed up the next morning. He had "stayed in a motel with woman." How on earth could someone leave their children like that? By what my son says they didn't know where he was until the next morning.
So last night he asks for them to stay and my husband immediately says yes. Again, tonight the same situation. I said No at first, but then husband said the weather was going to possibly get bad and they didn't need to be alone. We can't help but think of them staying all alone at night and maybe their Dad not coming home. Our son says the youngest doesn't like being home alone at night. It's not our business but it just upsets me to no end. We let our son stay alone for short periods of time DURING THE DAY. We would never dream of leaving him alone at night.
So where do you draw the line....I don't know. What I DO know is I couldn't live with myself if something happened to those babies when I could have had them here. So I guess our weekends will now be full of children.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A couple of weeks ago, actually February 12, I watched President Obama and Vice President Biden speak at a ceremony celebrating the anniversary of the passing of the stimulus plan. According to www.recover.gov , the stimulus plan, also known as The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, was created with the following goals in mind…
1)Create new jobs and save existing jobs
2)Create economic growth and invest in long term growth
3)Foster unprecedented levels of accountability and transparency in Government spending
In Obama’s speech he said, “I’m grateful that Congress agreed to my request that the bill include no earmarks; that all projects received funding based on their merits.” After hearing this I could not resist looking into this a bit more and obviously he didn’t read the bill that he signed his name to.
So I will list some of the pork that was pushed across the table…you decide if you think these things meet the above mentioned criteria from the governments website.
$219,000 was granted to study the sex lives of female college freshmen
$390,000 was granted to study malt liquor and weed
$221,355 to study why young men don’t like condoms
$787,250 was granted to a program to control home appliances from remote areas…this is a little creepy. Does this mean if I forget to turn my iron off that they may have the capability of doing so from a remote area. Will the possibility of this program allow someone from a remote area to decide if my house is too warm or cool and control my thermostat?
$21,116 for costumes for Bobber the Water Safety Dog
$943,190 terrorism prevention for a DINNER CRUISE COMPANY…uhhh what about the borders?
$1.57 million to search for fossils IN ARGENTINA
$88,000 for a Georgia road to be REPAVED…it was just paved 2 years ago…..the people studying the malt liquor and weed must have come up with this one.
$233,825 is going to study exit polling in Africa
$122,000 to provide fish art for a highway
$2 million was granted for a bike trail to be built when the adjoining road needs work.
$30,000 was granted to study meth and the female rat sex drive and they gave $8408 to study the effects of alcohol on mice
$100,000 was provided to conduct Anti-Capitalist, socially-conscious puppet show….this really burns me up.
$210,000 was needed to help study learning patterns of honey bees, while $90,000 was given to help “learning to cooperate” while observing birds
$2 million was given to a fire station that can’t afford to employ any firemen.
$1.5 million will be or was used to restore a lighthouse living quarters and oil shed on an uninhabited island.
$8 million is used for a Wastewater Treatment Center with a “Talking Water Garden”. Because of this new elaborate treatment center local residents will be facing an increase in sewer rates to pay for the new system.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Things in our world seem so serious these days. I just needed some relief and could not pass up the opportunity to post some of these hilariously DUMB laws.
In Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache in Church that causes laughter. You may also not flick boogers in the wind, not carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. You CAN drive the wrong way on a one way street as long as you attach a lantern to the front of your automobile.
If you want to practice voodoo in Louisiana you must do it outside of city limits. While driving to the area outside city limits to cast your spells you can let your wife drive, but you must walk in front of her carrying a flag.
Please do not plan to hunt whales in Kansas as it is against the law.
It’s also illegal to hunt whales in Ohio, but only on Sundays. You also may not fish while intoxicated. Installation and use of slot machines in outhouses is also permitted….DARN!
It’s a No-No to push a moose from a moving airplane in Alaska.
Sleepy? Don’t get caught sleeping on a refrigerator in Pittsburgh, Pa. It is against the law. A special cleaning ordinance was also passed banning homemakers from sweeping any dirt under the rug in a dwelling. Wives must send a note with their husbands enabling them to purchase alcohol and beware…singing in a bathtub is illegal.
If you go to Texas and decide to have a beer make sure you are sitting. It is illegal to take more than 3 sips of beer while standing. It is also illegal to release any obnoxious odors in an elevator.
If you need a blue light bulb you will have to travel to another state other than Arkansas. You will also need to keep your alligator somewhere other than the bathtub since it is illegal to keep them there. Make sure your dogs are muzzled if you live in Little Rock because they are not allowed to bark after 6 p.m.
You may not be able to drink and fish in Ohio, but there is no law against it in Idaho….you just can’t fish from a camels back!!
In Massachusetts you may NOT give beer to hospital patients. You also may not allow a guerilla to ride in the back seat of any vehicle. Taxi drivers are not allowed to make love in the front seat of their taxis while during their shift….Aw…where’s the ACLU on that one??
For more outrageous funnies go to:
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Today I write with a heavy heart and lots of concern for the direction of our country. Since Obama took office it seems that our whole country has started turning inside out and it is beginning to become very frightening.
Healthcare Reform….has been the main focus for the past year and looks as if it will be passed regardless of the people’s voice. This is a bill that Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, said that we needed to pass so we could find out what was in it. Just last night the President admitted that he did not really know what was in it. So my question is if THEY don’t know what is in it. then how do they know it’s the right thing to do for the country? We could have God knows what strapped to our backs and the backs of our children and grandchildren for years to come because this President was determined to pass Healthcare Reform now. In saying that, I’m not saying it’s not an honorable goal. I believe there are many things that need to be reformed and fixed, but why shove something through just to say it was done “on my watch” when it may not be the best thing for the people of this country?
I am a citizen that has to be worried about healthcare. As of today I am wrestling with the decision to cancel my coverage because after it is deducted from my check I may not be able to pay my utilities or keep my house running. If you knew my family you would understand WHY this is a difficult decision to make. My daughter has childhood epilepsy, I have fibromyalgia….and sometimes I think everyone else in my family needs to wrapped in bubble wrap before getting out of the bed. So I’m not one who has financial security or even has a little left over each paycheck. We have taken some hard hits this past year and finances are tight, but I still think it is wrong to strap my healthcare issues to the backs of my neighbors.
Other than being concerned about what exactly is IN the bill, I’m extremely concerned about this “slaughter” method that they plan to use and push it through in the event they do not have enough votes. Article 1 Section 7 of the United States Constitution says:
Clause 1: All bills for raising Revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives; but the Senate may propose or concur with Amendments as on other Bills.
Clause 2: Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approves he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. But in all such cases the votes of both Houses shall be determined by Yeas and Nays, and the Names of the persons voting for and against the Bill shall be entered on the Journal of each House respectively. If any Bill shall not be returned by the President within ten Days (Sunday excepted) after it shall have been presented to him, the same shall be a Law, in like manner as if he had signed it, unless the Congress by their adjournement prevent its Return, in which Case it shall not be a Law.
Clause 3: Every Order, Resolution, or Vote to which the concurrence of the Senate and House of Representatives may be necessary (except on a question of Adjournment) shall be presented to the President of the United States; and before the same shall take effect, shall be approved by him, or being disapproved by him, shall be repassed by two thirds of the Senate and House of Representatives, according to the Rules and Limitations prescribed in the Case of a Bill.
After reading the Constitution it seems pretty clear to me that this Bill is supposed to pass the House first then be sent to the Senate. From what I understand, and I could be wrong, they intend to only pass the Bill through the Senate because they may not have enough votes in the House. I have heard that Republicans and Democrats say that there is a provision of some sort or a loophole in which they can do this, but with something as important and huge as this you would think they would want to do it on the “up and up”. This just doesn’t seem to be on the “up and up”. This method does not resonate the American ideals….or maybe it’s just my old American ideals.
The Constitution does not guarantee healthcare coverage, jobs or wealth. It does, however, guarantee to support the rights given to us by GOD for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We must make an effort to pursue what we need and stop waiting on someone to bail us out. Look for a hand up and not a hand out. I wish with every fiber of my being that our Representatives, who we elected to represent us, will start speaking out for us and the good of our country. Let’s slow down and do this right even if it means we have to fix things in stages and by category. Let's actually read the bill this time so there are no suprises and no suprise add ons for pet projects. Lets stop being Republicans and Democrats with personal agendas and be Americans.
I decided to start copying my other blog over to Mrs. S.....I sure hope I'm doing it right.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Prepping....have you heard of it?
This past November...the day after Thanksgiving to be exact...I got very sick. Of course, being the shopper and seeker of deals that I am, I tried to tough it out and go on the ritual Black Friday Shopping Trip with my Mom. I was home and in bed by 9 am. After thrahing around in the bed wondering if I would live, then rolling around begging to die....my husband took me to the Dr. to find that I had a pretty severe case of Swine Flu. The bout was particularly nasty and I can honestly say I have NEVER been so sick. Swine Flu turned to Pneumonia and before I knew it school would be letting out for Christmas Break and I had missed all but 3 days between Thanksgiving break and Christmas break.
So here's what I'm slowly inching towards.....how did everybody stay on track here? Husband was swamped trying to work and take care of all three kids. One thing he did not have to worry with was groceries and "supplies".
I have always had this little "thing" inside me that motivated me to always be prepared for anything. Weather, Current Events....any scenario and since I was young I have even imagined different scenarios in my head and how I would respond. A couple of years ago I had an urge to get my ducks in a row. This "urge" was very strong and urgent. Luckily I listened to that small voice.
It wasn't long after I started experiencing this urge that we started having some financially difficult times. These financially difficult times were our own doings....trying to keep up with the Joneses...trying to give our kids everything they wanted and even things they hadn't thought of yet. I can say that my view and priorities have changed drastically. With our crumbling economy and doomsday daily news you would have to have your head stuck in the sand to not know something is coming down the pike. I know some people who say..."Well, I don't want to know what is going on...there's nothing I can do about it." or "It's out of our control...no point in worrying about it." This is so far from the truth.
There are a lot of things that are out of our hands, but taking care of our families are not. Now before you get the wrong idea....a "prepper" is not always the fanatic that thinks we will be nuked tommorrow and builds a bomb shelter in the backyard. A "prepper" is someone who wants to be prepared to care for his/her family in any given situation which could be a weather event (think about Katrina), a financial hardship, or a total breakdown or society. I, personally, do not care to trust the Government to provide for my family in the event of any trouble.
There are small things that you can do to prep. When you go to the grocery store and you catch a really good sale...pick up a couple of extra items. Organize your medicine cabinets and see what you have. Do you have some OTC items if you had to deal with the flu? There is nothing worst than having to go out in the night for meds. If your power was to go out for a day or more what would you do?
With things the way that they are today we would have to be crazy to not think about some of these things. Of course, some of them are not pleasant. Of course, some scenarios may not ever happen, but what does it hurt to be prepared just in case? I'd rather have extra supplies on hand and nothing happen than nothing on hand and all hell break loose. I'm not loosing anything by doing so and nothing is going to waste.
Oh...when I got sick...I went to the grocery store that week before Thanksgiving to stock up on sale items with my coupons. I did not make another real grocery run again until January. It was one less thing my husband had to worry about. He didn't even have to worry about the juice or sprite for me because I knew flu season was coming so I put some up....just in case.
I have recently found a new hobby that I can easily see myself become very compulsive about.....COUPONS!!!
In the past I read about how people got items free, how they GOT MONEY BACK....I just couldn't figure out how this worked and never took the time to figure it out until this past week. A friend on facebook mentioned how much money she saved on a trip to Kroger after reading on a site called couponmom.com. So after checking it out and reading the free PDf download, and consulting wtih my friend SUZ....I decided to download some coupons and give it a shot. Why on earth I never did this before I don't know but all I can say is thank the Good Lord in Heaven for pointing me in the right direction with people to explain the method!!!
My first trip to Kroger with Coupons...
3 tubs of Koolaid
2 tubs of Country Time Lemonade
2 bowls of Kraft microwaveable bowls of mac n cheese
1 box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese
1 bottle of Kraft BBQ sauce
1 bottle of Kraft Ranch Dressing
Total amt for the above purchase $5.83!!!!!
If I could find some more of the same coupons I could get more of the same....just can't get them to print again!! So now I am making coupon clipping part of my prepping plan and daily life.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The True Beginning of my life
I can honestly say that my life truly began the night I met my husband. I can honestly say I did not want anything to do with the man. I was divorced and had plans to finish my education and get out of this town. I was struggling with the left over baggage from a bad marriage and trying to figure out who I was on my own.
My friend told me about this guy...she was dating his friend and they said that he wanted to meet me. Like I said I was not interested because he had a lot of baggage that I wanted NO PART of. So I was nice...they introduced us and I was NOT impressed. He had several drinks, was grating on my last nerve and some how they conned me into driving the fool to the next stop "to meet them". They never showed up! I told him I'd take him home and when we got there he invited me in...now this is the part where I was supposed to say "Thanks but I gotta go." For some reason I said Ok.
I went in and there on the floor. under a Barney blanket was a little blonde haired boy. I couldn't see his face just the blonde hair. Part of me said "Girl, get your butt in the car..." but again something kept me there. This guy who had grated on my last nerve proceeded to sit down and start talking about what they had been through, and I could not help but sit and listen. I had heard the story...everyone in town knew about it...and I could not bring myself to leave. This obnoxious character changed before my very eyes to a lost, desperatley devastated soul.
My husband was married to a girl who, from what I have been told, was a great person. I did not know her, but we did go to the same school. From what I had been told, they were together constantly and you never saw one without the other. They had a child...the angel that was sleeping under the Barney blanket. They played softball together on co-ed teams and had a seemingly normal life. Then she got sick.
I remember reading about her in the paper. I remember seeing flyers up all over town with pictures of her and her baby. She was missing, but the story was a devastating one that touched me to the core when he told it.
He said she had gotten sick, but he didn't realize how sick she was because she hid it. He knew something was wrong but she downplayed it, and he took her at her word. She had Cushings Disease. He worked, came home played with C*, then went to bed. (She handled everything else and that was all he had to do.) He said this one particular morning, they got up and got dressed just like every other morning. They joked and talked about what they would do after work. They told each other they loved each other and went on about their day. She was supposed to be going to another Dr. apt and was getting C* ready for school. Late that afternoon he got a call from the daycare asking who would pick C* up because noone ever showed up. He was the last one there. He said that was way out of the ordinary and went straight to get him. She never came home. From this point phone calls were made, people gathered, people searched...she never turned up. His sister came home from out of state to help, and he soon found himself being questioned. He said he had no problem with it because he wanted to find her, but it soon seemed he was the prime suspect. There was no note...nothing to indicate why she would not come home...and she never made it to her appointment. The story made the paper and the news...but still no leads.
About a week and a half to two weeks later there were some boys riding four wheelers in the woods in the north county and they came across a car...with her in it. Her father had hunted out there and she went there to take her life. He said when the cops came back down the drive he was on the lawnmower (thats what he does when he is stressed) and he just kept cutting. His sister came to him and he asked if they were going to take him back down to the jail again. She told him no that it was over. At first he didn't realize "over" meant "over" and wanted to know where she was. Of course, a thorough investigation was done and it was determined that it was 100% suicide but the questions still lingered of why?
He then had to explain to C* that Mommy was not coming home and plan a funeral. Because she had taken care of everything he was a bit lost with what to do with C*. He said his sister wanted to take him but he wouldn't allow it. He said he would not let his son go...he belonged to him and he was going to raise him.
When I met him this was only a few months after all of this had happened. This man looked like a scarecrow...he was so thin and he had hollowed-out dark holes under his eyes. He said, "I don't know..I just don't know.." constantly. The obnoxious Gomer Pyle-imitating jerk wasn't really a jerk at all. As I listened to him tell this story it broke my heart and my troubles weren't so bad. He asked if I would please come play with his little boy the next day and I said "Sure". I drove home that night in tears. That poor baby...left at that daycare...waiting on his Mama. That poor husband listening to that Trace Adkins song "Every Light in the House is On"...waiting on his wife to come home...trying to figure out what was going on and how to answer his little boy's questions.
The next day I went over as I promised and the cutest little boy I had ever laid eyes on walked out the door to meet me. He had the blondest hair and gorgeous blue eyes. He had a smile that melted my heart like butter!! I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him, and I had never felt anything like that in my life. There are no words to describe how I felt about him that day other than it was the equivalent of how I felt later when my other two babies were born. This little boy ate more popsicles than I had ever seen. We played, watched TV and I told them I would be back again the next day to cook for them. He sure seemed to need someone to talk to and that little boy needed some real food. That day turned into two then three and before I realized it I was over there everyday. We talked about everything and I loved on that little boy like nobodies business.
Before I knew it I found myself falling for this guy and man did I feel guilty. I mean he had just lost his wife, and I figured I had for sure lost my mind. We never even sat next to each other...me on the couch...he in the recliner. I debated what to do because I was too close and I didn't want to get hurt, but for the first time I felt like someone needed me and I had long since fallen in love with that little boy. I told him that one day when and if he moved on, he would need to make sure that whoever he made a life with accepted his son as her own...no if, ands, buts about it. I never dreamed I'd be the one. One night we were sitting and talking, he in the recliner and me on the floor and he kissed me. I remember it like yesterday. It was the most electrifying kiss I have ever had in my life...then he said "I love you" and HELLO...before I knew it I said it back. I kicked myself all the way home and had three panic attacks. What on earth was I thinking??? I swore those words wouldn't come out of my mouth again to ANYBODY and here I was saying it to this guy who was probably confused because of his trauma???
Well, there was no confusion. From that day we were inseperable and were very open and honest about our feelings and concerns. I had never been so happy. Of course, people talked, but I knew the truth about how things had happened. My Mom was so upset and concerned for me. She didn't want me getting hurt or people saying things about me. My Dad on the other hand told me, "If you find love grab it with both hands and don't let go." And I did.
I brought them to my parents house and of course they instantly fell in love with C*. It was an instant bond just like it had been with me. Shortly..very shortly afterwards we were engaged and within two to three months MARRIED!!
While we were engaged C* would ask "Can I call you Mama?" or "Are you my Mama now?" I told him the day his Dad and I married he could call me anything he wanted to.
The day we married was the happiest day of my life...God sent me a man that truly loved me and I become a Mama. "Mama"....the sweetest gift given to me that day was to hear my little boy call my name.
It has been a while since I've sat down to write/blog or anything. Life has been so hectic and I've mostly been bogged down in life. I miss coming here and relaxing with friends and continuing my "education", but it seems lately the only thing I have been able to do is drop in for a second or two and that is about it. This week we are off for intercession so I have the week....YAY!!....and I thought I would play catch up. I thought I would just use this as my journal entry. A record or where I am right now...my "me" time.
As I sat here sipping my coffee thinking of the long list of things to do, I read back over my blog and it was great reminder of some things that I needed to remember or refresh.
My Neice pulled through and although she is paralyzed from chest down she has use of her arms and she is alive. Her attitude is still up-beat and positive. We are so thankful. Through the accident Pam, my son's Aunt, and I have become so close and I praise God for our relationship. She and her husband are going through the Bankruptcy thing and have the same attorney. The attorney is a sorry excuse and has cost us so much grief it is unreal. I'm strongly considering reporting him to the bar association and hoping that none of us loose our homes before it's taken care of. He was the cause of our elderly neighbors loosing their home....we helped them move their stuff out this past week. Wish we would have known what they were going through because I would have used someone else. But of course, who wants to tell anyone they are filing BR? I would love to warn others of this man...but I'm too ashamed of where we are. At any rate, God blessed me with Pam because we have gone through so much together for the past few months and I'm so thankful for such a friend.
Husband lost his job. Actually quit his job which most would say is a foolish thing to do in this day and time. I would totally agree normally, but this time I supported him 100 percent. For him to quit took a lot and it is not in his nature. It is also not in his nature to stand up for himself or anyone else. He is just very passive. Since he has been with the company everyone has called him for everything. The boss rides around in the vehicle, disappears and stays on the golf course. He gets people to lie to cover for him, has his guys clock him in and out and even bring the company truck around for him in the mornings so he doesn't have to walk from the parking lot. They did all of this because they wanted to keep their jobs and they knew how he operated. Of course, one thing that my husband will NOT do is play that game. He minded his business and did his job. When work was slow and they faced the possibility of lay offs he hustled some outside work for them to do and other businesses contracted wtih their electrical dept. They got to keep their jobs and guess who took all the credit....you got it....the boss. So he started giving DH cold shoulder every now and then. Then he started double crossing him. Lying on him...just setting him up and DH never saw it coming. When DH took a day of vacation the next day he came back to find that he had been suspended for 3 days. Boss never gave him the vacation day either. DH fought it and went over the boss's head but boss was best friends wtih big boss. I thought I'd have to get him out of jail, but he kept his cool and lined something up while he was off. He tried to go back and planned to give two weeks notice but it didn't work and he walked out. So now we have no insurance. One of the places that had contracted his company to do electrical work had been paying him to do some side work so they plan to just let him do all their electrical work and want to hire him permanently. Should be a good deal for him because he will be the only electrician and most likely the guy will help him get his masterman's liscense. They really like him. Because of what his old boss did they now loose this company's contract and two others....too bad for them.
Kids are doing great. The oldest's attitude has changed a lot and is much more manageable. Still classified a Junior but he should be able to take Senior English online and walk with his class. He knows what he wants to go to College to do and seems pretty focused on it. I try not to think about him leaving. My middle man's grades have come way up and we are so impressed. He's playing football and is really good!! I think we have finally found "his thing". He looks like a little wishbone in his football pants...it's hilarious. My four year old has hit that moody whinny stage.....how early does PMS start????
Finally made it back to Church on Sunday. I realize that I have really messed up with my kids. I haven't given them the opportunity to know the Lord as I should have. I have let them think that God and Church is an option by our half-hazard attendance. Now the two boys are at an age that I don't know if it is fixable. How could I do that to my boys? It is surely my biggest failure as a parent. However, baby girl loves going and would live at Church if she could.
Coffee is getting cold, and I'm determined to get something done today. I worked so hard on TEA party stuff yesterday that I got nothing done at the house and I'm determined to have something to show for my time off. Hopefully I can make it a point to set aside more "me" time so that I can keep up my blog/journal and visit with my friends here.
When is enough....enough?? How much can one family take? I just left a prayer request on Streams about my neice. Everything just seems so overwhelming right now. It is such an awful feeling to not be able to help....before we have been able to help financially...even if it was a little bit but we are in the same boat as they are. When does it all stop?
Sickness, Deaths, Job loss, Bankruptcy.....
I know I need to find something to be thankful for because while my neice lays in the hospital fighting, my children are safe at home. While her father sits in the hospital waiting room wondering about his daughter and how he will manage to continue providing for her, his granddaughter, while in this situation we still have our jobs. While his sister wonders how to juggle her job so she can keep her house, help her brother and take care of her Father...my parents are still healthy.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but its all so overwhelming. When is enough, enough?
I left this morning for TX to take the BIG test...the one that will decide my career future, the one that will decide my family's fate and if I will be able to keep my home. If I don't pass this test I will not get my liscense, will not be able to continue as an interpreter in MS, will have to take a huge cut in pay.....
So, I wake up determined to stay positive and upbeat...I know that I am battling my own low esteem from my past test experience and I really feel that I am battling the Enemy....actually as of 7:06 pm I would say that was a defenite.
My shoes broke in the airport. I had some high heel flops with 2 straps. I managed to save one strap on each which in turn DUG into my feet and I know have cuts and huge blisters across the top.
The cab gets me to my hotel and before he could get out this guy shows up from nowhere and wants money. Very rough...I didn't get out immediatley...waited but he wouldn't go away. When I did get out he wanted to "help" me with my bag. I saw that his hand and arm was badly hurt and got a very sick feeling. He was asking questions about money and cabfare....pretended not to hear him and walked inside as quickly as possible.
When I walked in, it felt like I had stepped into an oven. I got my room only to find that there was a glass siding door to the parking lot....not good so I changed rooms. Turned the air on and decided to quickly walk to the mall to find another pair of shoes to wear to my test and grab something to eat so I wouldn't have to leave the room. The mall was horrible....no shoes....came back to find the air didn't work and I was working up a sweat. I decided to try to make the best of it even when the refigerator didn't work. Striped down to my T and crawled into bed and the spiders crawled out!!! No lie....
So after I pulled the covers down to make sure there were no more, someone tried to bust through the door. Now I don't mean like they accidently opened the wrong door. I mean they were trying to get in. OMG...I dressed so fast...called the cab and high tailed out of there. The lady wouldn't give me my money back. She told me I'd have to call the manager. The cab guy told me that I had booked a room in the "hood" and I was very lucky. He said if I was his wife or sister he would have me stay South Austin so....to South Austin I went. He took me to a safe area and waited until I got settled. The lady at the desk gave me an extra cheap rate after she heard what had happened and the cabbie gave me his card. He said he would come for me in the morning and we would go back to try to recover some of my money before going for my test.
I'm almost out of money...will barelly have enough to pay all the cab fees tommorrow....exhausted....can't focus on my material.....worried about my test.
This has truly been the trip from H*** and I have decided I no longer like to travel alone....before it used to not bother me....now I've changed my mind. I pray that tommorrow will be a bright happy day....full of postive experiences.
You just can't imagine how much I have missed chatting wtih all of you guys!! I have had my hands full dealing with some family issues...which seem to have all worked out and with work issues...which also seem to be working out.
As some of you know I have been in a major battle for my career. I recently decided to go out of state in hopes of having my liscense reinstated until this mess of a testing system in our state is cleaned up. At the last minute I flew to Austin, TX to take the first part of my test. It looked as if I would really be pushing the envelope to get all of this done in time before my Emergency Liscense expired in Aug. Well, let me tell you...God is so good!! I took the written portion which was much harder than I dreamed and passed!! Now I only have to pass the Performance portion which will be atrociously hard. BUT HE brought me to it so HE will bring me through it.
My son has finally distanced himself from the girlfriend from ****. He will most likely not pass this semester but atleast we are slowly getting our son back...I hope. The combination of that horrible relationship accompanied by my husband's crazy sister planting lies and innuendos in his head concerning his real mom's suicide and us has really thrown him for a loop. Luckily, his real mom's family is working with us on this and we are starting to realize the damage that has been done. He now knows that she wanted to take him from his Dad when it all happened and that she has a huge axe to grind with me since I came along married his dad and adopted him. By doing that it put an end to any chance she had of getting him and raising him as her own. We found a Christian therapist and to my suprise he went for his first visit with no arguments. I just pray he continues to go with no arguments. I have decided not to hold his grades over him Spring Break and we have just relaxed. He has fished and slept in all week and even taught me how to play Phaze 10. I'm so thankful....I'm hoping that we are on the road to recovery.
We got our garden tilled up and planted. I fear it will be a pitiful little garden. So far the dogs haven't dug it up. We planted tomatoes, purple hull peas, and butterbeans. I just hope we did it right since neither of us knew what we were doing. I did take before and after pictures and I will have to post them....no matter how pitiful it may look I am still proud because it's something I've never done.
I went to a garage sale on a whim and a lady made me a deal on a huge box of baby clothes that I turned around and listed on EBAY. I more than doubled my money and I'm using it to buy clothing for the kids for the summer and later. I've also been looking into Mother Earth magazines and any books that would be beneficial to have on hand for prepping. I thought there was a link on here that listed books but I haven't been able to find it.
Anyway, I'm so glad to be back and I hope that I will be able to check in more than I have been....but with work being what it is right now I fear it will not be as often as I like until Summer. So if you guys don't hear from me....don't forget me....I'll be back!!
HUGS to all who read!!!
I have never been a strong pray-er and I have been working on that. Every morning on my way to work is my time to pray and praise. I have always heard to always pray for your enemies or those that don't like you. So I decided that I would try. NOT EASY....but I just reminded God of that fact and I told Him that I did not know how to pray for these particular people but I did want to do what was pleasing to Him. I picked 2 candidates: my son's girlfriend and her mother, and my grandmother.
Any of you who have read my post about my oldest son know the struggle that we have had with him since he started dating this girl. I have gone rounds with the Mother and it has been the most trying experience I've faced. It is so hard knowing that you raise your child for 17 yrs and he would turn his back on you for them. Anyway....I prayed that if it was God's will that she be in his life then please give the strength and wisdom to accept her and welcome her if not please get her out of our lives. I also prayed for her Mother. From that point we started inviting her to the house to eat or whatever. She refused to come. I continued to pray....guess what....THEY BROKE UP!!!! So then I prayed and thanked my Father profusely and begged him to send someone to get my son's "attention" so he may have an easier time getting over her. Now I knew that this would be no easy task...but guess what? One week later.....HE'S GOT A DATE!!!! This is truly a Godly intervention because they have been together for 2 LONG years and they have broken up a couple times and as soon as he starts to move on she snatches him back. I'm keeping my faith that it will continue to work out and if they get back together God will give me the strength to love her.
As for my grandma....I don't know. I haven't spoken to her in over a year. She only has my brother and I but from the minute my brother was born I ceased to exist. She is hateful to me and always has been but my Dad never stood up for me because she has money and he knew that if anyone crossed her the inheritance would be gone. In his way of thinking he thought he was doing what would be best in the long run. I don't see it that way. She is ugly to my oldest child, adores my second, and ignores my baby. Actually got mad when I got pregnant with her and gave me a lecture. I could write a book on what all she has done to me my whole life and not one time did anyone ever step up and speak up. My parents would tell me how wrong it was. Dad wouldn't let Mom say anything. Brother sees it clearly, but he's torn. She's treated Daddy worst than me all his life..... Well, after 36 years I had had it and when she started telling me what a bad mother I was and how my child was going to be a retard because I put him on meds I blew. I held nothing back and I told her what I thought. I thought she was going to have a heartattack in the kitchen. Her idea of making ammends is sending a check. So she sends my oldest his birthday check and I put it in another envelope and mailed it back. She then mailed a $500 check for Christmas and I took it to her house with a letter and taped it to her door. I told her that "Thank you but no thanks. When you can accept me as your granddaughter and give me the same respect that I have always given you UNCONDITIONALLY and love all of my children equally....I want nothing from you. If you realize that you feel anything for me other than contempt then please come see me and we'll have coffee." I never heard from her. I have been praying that God will give me peace with knowing that I have done all I can do. I have felt less stressed not having to deal with her, but I still feel I that I shouldn't have said anything because she is my grandma. Part of me still dreams she will wake up and love me and I still pray for that but if not God's love will be enough. But....I'm still praying and who knows maybe I will have something good to blog about later. Either a relationship or closure.
Looks like we will be doing a garden at my Dad's house this year. I wish I could do one at home but there is just no way with the dogs and having so little space.
I have never planted anything or gardened. I'm totally clueless. I have been all over the board here and I even went to my local ext. office and got tons of info. I hope I'm not in over my head!! I ran to Walmart and bought seeds and will get some more today. I just don't really know where to start....I'm in MS so it is warming up here but is it too late to start some seeds inside? What can be started inside? Can I start them in little styrofoam cups? Can I keep them in my storage room where it is warmer than the rest of my house with the light on? I just don't know anything and I feel really...inadequate....theres a good word. BUT at any rate, I'm excited and determined to do this. I really don't see where many of us will have a choice and I don't want to have any regrets in a few months. I just don't foresee things in our country getting any better.
My Dad has about 30+ acres of hills and hollows with a few flat spots. He, my brother and grandmother all live out there. He plans to plant a lot of corn and peas in the pastures if we can keep the deer out; then a really good garden in one area with a variety....only thing is he hasn't done it in forever and I've never done it. BUT...we DO have a tractor so that will be a plus. As of now I have tomatoes, okra, cucumbers, squash, lima beans, bell peppers, and watermelons. I'm getting purple hull peas today. The lot we are planting on is overgrown and if I remember right there were some broken down cars...more junk of Dad's. When I was young this was the garden site so we will see how it goes. I'm thinking of taking a before and after shot because right now it is a mess.
So I have the tractor, I have the seeds....now I guess I need to get a few hoes, garden rake and get busy!! Wish me luck!!!!
A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling spiritually. I guess everyone has a few spiritual questions that seem to just nag at them and one of mine was why I could not remain consistent in my walk with God. It seemed I would be on the right path and I would really be making progress and laying a foundation and having a great relationship with God then out of nowhere I would end up in left field. It would take forever to get back to the right path.
It got to the point that several weeks ago I was doubting my salvation and everything about my life. I mean my life has been a mess....a complete garbage dump! We have a 17 yr old who is dating every mom's nightmare and it has turned our house upside down for over a year...we are filing bankruptcy and about to loose vehicles and house...the shame of that is so totally overwhelming it is unbelievable...I hated coming home because it was nothing but CHAOS until everyone went to bed. Everyday was the same and I just felt I was drowning. I asked a few questions and just unloaded on the shoutboard one day and a few good friends were there that really gave me some support and encouragement. From there I went to have some quiet time and THIS IS WHAT GOD TOLD ME....(I have not shared this with anyone except one dear friend here at MRS. S and this is an excerpt from my email.)
I went to the game room where it would be quiet and I prayed and asked the Lord to direct me and give me direction. I reminded him that I needed a big bullseye on whatever He needed me to see. So I finished and opened my Bible to where I had previously left off in Thessalonians....or so I thought. What I was reading was not familiar but I swore that I was in Thessalonians only to find that I was in Phillipians and that is about the time I came to Phillipians 1:6
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
The "study notes" on this vs. said:
Do you sometimes feel as though you aren't making progress in your spiritual life? When God starts a project, he completes it! As with the Philippians, God will help you grown in grace until He has completed his work in your life. When you are discouraged, remember that God will not give up on you. He promises to finish the work He has begun. When you feel incomplete, unfinished or distressed by your shortcomings, remember God's promise and provision. Don't let your present condition rob you of the joy of knowing Christ or keep you from growing closer to Him.
This is HUGE for me because I can not say that I have had many encounters with God....not like this. I felt like Christ wrapped His arms around me and said "Daughter it will be ok...I am with you and you will be fine. Just trust me and I will finish all that I have started with you because you belong to me." I could almost physically feel His presence. It still brings tears to my eyes. Our Father is so awesome!!!
I got up and was so excited about Church this morning. My nephew spent the night with us and I had laid the law down that we were all going to Church...no excuses.
We got up and my middle child and nephew had a great excuse for not going to Sunday School....my nephew had never been with us and didn't know anyone in his class so could they please just ride to Church with Dad/Uncle. After a little thought...it made sense...so I gave in and allowed it. My oldest son would stay and help DH get the hoodlums ready to go. I thought everything was going to go off without a hitch and I was so proud.
THAT'LL TEACH ME!!!!
We get to Church and my daughter refuses to go to her class which is totally NOT normal. I promise her that Brayden and Chance will come get her after Church if she will stay like a big girl. She stayed and I said a prayer of thanks as I almost skipped to my class. When class was over I found my place in Church and watched with pride as my son and nephew came through the door.....but wait....where is husband and oldest son? Boys surely must have run ahead....NOT!!! Brayden hands me a note from my oldest stating he had absolutely nothing to wear and he was so sorry and hoped I wasn't mad but he planned to catch a mess of fish. At this time my pressure was rising. When I asked where Dad was the boys said, "In the bed, Chris dropped us off." By this time I was praying.....but I was asking for forgiveness for the thoughts going through my head about what doom they would face when I got home.
THEN here comes my darling little girl running up the aisle mad as a hornet because she misunderstood and thought the boys would pick her up after Sunday School. No chance of her going back to "her Church" now...she would have to stay with me. My Mom shows up and of course I then have to explain where Chris and Shannon are.
THEN I keep getting a whiff of something that just does not smell right but had no idea where it was coming from until my son settles down beside me. GOOD GRIEF!!! The boy smelled like an old rotten fish. I couldn't hardly breathe. This, of course, almost sent me over the edge and before I knew it I told him he stunk to high heaven and just what had he done????? I knew that I checked him the night before when he took a shower but I just couldn't figure what had happened since then because I would not allow them outside this morning. He then saw the girl sitting behind him holding her nose....the guy sitting in front of us would lean foward everytime Brayden leaned foward. To make it worst the people sitting behind us were visiting and how they managed getting through the service I do not know. I wanted to leave and of course my dear mother kept saying "No...stay" "It's ok"....well, she can't smell either!!! I went from being furious at my son to feeling so bad for him my heart ached because by the time Church was over he was in tears and ran to the car.
As he dashed from the pew I noticed something on his pants, down towards the bottom....further investigation showed that he stepped "in it" before he came to Church and got it down his pants legs and all over the bottom of his shoes!!! DH was laying in the bed and not paying attention that the boys went outside. (Still FUMING at him) My oldest son also said that he had thrown old fish across the road but Brayden thought it would be neat to try to string them from a limb....hence the old fish smell.
I laugh now....I did not earlier....Mom said I needed to write it down somewhere so I thought I'd share it with ya'll....maybe someone will relate or get a laugh....or maybe someone will just say a prayer for my sanity. My husband and oldest may still need a prayer because I'm still mad!!!
I was so excited to be out of my "new" job and have the opportunity to go back to my "old" employer. I know that God's hand was in it and I was determined not to worry about my liscense issues or what my check would be like when they prorated it and the holidays that kids are off. I was doing well...until yesterday.
I was told that they wanted me to go back to my old position which under any other circumstances I would be ecstatic over. The problem is that they pulled a girl from another school (who had been my sub when I was out) to put in my position. She didn't want my job then and came because she had too. Since she has been there things have not gone so great. From what I understand she has made a lot of enemies. She has a very abrupt in-your-face personality and I fear it has not served her well. So they want to put me there and move her back where she was because there were no problems there. I don't think she took it well....at all. I don't know if she will go to the other school tommorrow or if we will both show up for the same job.
I feel badly about it because I had no intentions of taking her job but I have to go where they tell me and I asked them to send me to the other school but they won't. I'm sure she is furious with me.
So I guess this is my first true test......I have been singing God's praises because he delivered me from a miserable situation. Now I'm worried about everything. I'm worried about her, I'm worried about picking up where I left off, I'm worried about if my check will be the same amt, I'm worried about finding a way to get certified before Aug., I'm worried about our financial situation and keeping our house.....It's almost like I woke up and was attacked. I have been off today and I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished because I can't seem to get up and do anything. I just want to go to bed....that is all.....go to sleep.
For the past few days it was easier for me to give it to God and stop worrying....why is today so much harder? I fear I'm not doing very well on this test.
At this point in time I am so excited I don't know that I can contain myself!!! The Lord is truly working something in my life and I feel so priviledged.
I went to school to be an Interpreter for the Deaf about 16 years ago. I was passionate about the field and was very focused until I "fell in Luuuv". You can imagine how this went. I was 19 years old, thought I knew it all. Wouldn't listen to my parents and refused to see the signs that I was heading for a disaster. I did not complete my education and headed to Belgium on this fairytale adventure to marry the man of my dreams. When I got there my airplane turned into a pumpkin and he turned into a frog! After 3 yrs of trying to make something out of mud we called it quits. I came home with no degree, no skills (except signing), and little to no education that would land me a job.
Fast foward to 3 yrs ago. I am remarried to a wonderful man and have 3 kids. I have a great job that I am comfortable doing as an Office Manager and then I receive a phone call that will turn my world upside down. The School District has a deaf student that is wanting to be mainstreamed and they heard that I had gone to school to interpret at one time. They said that they would pay for any classes and materials needed if I would give it a shot and try to get certified. I had not signed in 15 yrs!!!! I was so torn but I took a chance and stepped off the cliff hoping that ground wasnt too far below....and as luck had it...it was and it was a great gamble. The testing is scored on a level of 1 to 3. 1 is lowest and 3 is the highest. I scored a 2!!! I was ecstatic and almost hyperventilated with my excitement. My license would be good for 2 yrs and then I would re-test. I felt sure that if I scored a 2 with no experience then I surely could score a 3 after working and gaining some experience.
The two years of working in the School District with the student was awesome. I loved everything about my job and had high hopes of persuing it as far as I could. Then it came time for me to test (2008). I got my results and was devastated to find that I scored 0. I couldn't function...nothing made sense...how could this happen? The student was an honor student so I couldn't imagine that I was that bad. I got little to no feedback and soon learned that there were several who lost their liscenses. So I signed up to take it again.....only to get gut-punched again....0! Then it got nasty. I started asking questions and started talking to the others that lost their liscenses. It wasn't just me and something just really didn't seem right. I did not think that I was entitled but I wanted to know why and what I needed to do. No answers. The more questions that were asked the worst it got....but I was determined not to quit. When we could get no answers we went to our Senators and Representative....again....that put a big bullseye right on me. We found that although there was a law that governed our profession and specified that we had to pass this certification, there was no government body that was the overseer of the test. One lady "owned" the test and this lady did NOT like us at all....we asked too many questions. This lady was also the Mother of the Principal of the state school for the deaf and their enrollment was down. As a result of my fight for my job, profession and student.... my name, integrity and professional reputation was dragged through the mud from the north end of my state all the way down to the southern border.
I applied for and got a Provisional Emergency Liscense, but not without a fight. By the time I got it I was so burned out and mentally drained I could not function professionally. I did not see a point of even continuing....I mean the emergency liscense only lasted a year and then I would have to be certified with "her" test in order to work and she made it clear in her letter to me that it wouldn't happen. So I took another job and made a career change at Thanksgiving of last year.
I was excited at first...I thought that surely God provided this new job for me, but to be honest, at the time I wasn't walking with God...not truly. I didn't pray alot about it...I couldn't pray. I have been at this new job since then and it has been a nightmare. I know no more now than I did then and I will be expected to be programming by May. I'm not stupid, but I have no idea what I'm doing. I wake up naseous because I'm constantly nervous about what I don't know and how to learn it. I am so far out of my element it's not funny. I've always been able to adapt....but here...I can't. With the economy being what it is I've been terrified.
God and I have been talking a good bit lately...I've been talking and where I wondered if he listened or even cared anymore...I know now He does. I contacted my old boss today just to see if there were any positions available, and not only is there a position available, but there is one available as an Interpreter. I have until Aug. to find a way to get Certified and she said she would do anything in her power to make it happen if I would come back. As far as she was concerned I could go tell them tommorrow I quit and come right on to work up there!!!
I know I won't sleep tonight...so much going through my head. I worry about telling them I'm done tommorrow but I know it is the right thing. As miserable and as stressed as I have been through all of this I realize it has been another journey. And while traveling I have learned. Instead of trying to fix all of the injustices and political boondoggles I should have given it to my Father. I'm sure that in the chaos He tried to help me and I was too self-absorbed to hear Him. I have been fighting to find my place in this world and where I fit with Him. I am finding that even though I'm still not sure what His Will is for me and I still doubt my Salvation at times or if I'm "doing it right", He is still there waiting on me to let go and SHUT UP complaining so He can show me and teach me.
God is so good to me....I don't deserve His grace, His understanding or His forgiveness and I have such a hard time comprehending why he doesn't just say "I am done with you!" I want to just shout it from the rooftops how AWESOME my God is and how thankful I am to have Him as the Lord of my life. I know that there will be some trials ahead with working it out with my liscense but the political boondoggling is nothing that HE can not handle and if it is His will I will continue in the field and if it is not then I will move on to something else that HE moves me too.
As for now....He has brought me full circle and I will make it a point to be mindful of who is in control....
No kidding!!! That is how it feels to me.....because my wishes are coming true!!!
First, just a little background on my DH....My husband is not one to just go and do things...fun things like to the park, or zoo. Family time to him is going to the deer camp with the boys or working in the yard. It has taken a lot of getting used too, but I have come to realize that it was the way he was raised and it was by his Dad's example that he learned. We don't have date nights...very rarely will we eat in public as a family...he would opt for take-out. As for any of my suggestions to do "this" or do "that"....nope....can't do it for one reason or the other.
Today my brother, dad and I sold our lake lots which is an absolute miracle with the economy being what it is. My dad had given us his portion last year but we intended to split equally with him. We are all having tough financial times right now. He refused and insisted that we split equally and PUT IT UP or SPEND WISELY!! To have this money is such a blessing....especially right now. Just more proof of God's provision's for my family and I.
So I started thinking.....it would be so nice to be able to either have a date night or treat the kids to a fun day. Not blow money but go eat....and I would like to take a portion of it and put towards preps. We may not have this opportunity to do so again. So I called my husband with the suggestion...already prepared for him to say no and well on my way to being mad. SUPRISE!!!! He said yes!!! Not only did he say yes....when our teenager scowled at going my husband told him right quick we were having family day and he would have fun or he better put on a good show of having fun!!! If you knew my husband you would realize what a big deal this is for him to agree to do something and then to put our son in his place.
I know that it's corny but I feel like a Queen and I haven't felt like one in a while. Although I am worried that our oldest will do his best to counter the mood, I refuse to allow it!!!! (I've already started praying for patience)
My husband has really changed in the past few weeks. Maybe it was because he is finally realizing all of the things he turned a blind eye to with our son. Maybe it was the prospect of possibly loosing his job if the refinery shut down. Maybe he's finally looking around and realizing that it's time to get the head out of the sand and make sure the fort is secured!!! He has already promised to go to Church with me Sunday and to help us stay on track with our attendance.
So I have no chestnuts roasting on an open fire....just a half of a burrito sitting on my night stand. Theres no delightful fire in the fireplace and certainly no snow....I have rain, rain and more rain.
But all is calm and all is bright.....with Christ I am joyful and triumphant even in these tough times.
Oh...yes...it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!!
It is 10:19 pm and I know that I MUST go to bed or I will be worthless tommorrow but at this time I just can't seem to put my laptop down. You see, I battle an addiction to Mrs. S and the many friends that I have met here.
June 2008 I backed into this site while researching frugal living. In 2005 a series of several surgeries and medical problems involving my husband, oldest son and baby girl grouped with unwise choices has spiraled down to a point that we are now in a dire financial situation. I started to try to blink my way out of denial around the time that I backed into Mrs. S. Had that not happened I would not be able to stand and fight to get us out of this hole. When I feel all my strength is gone....there is always someone here to lift me and help me find my ground.
For the past 6 months I have fought against taking this journey and prayed for relief but only recently I have changed my mind. I feel like God has given me this journey and although I have not walked with Him the way I should I know that I am His and He will not leave me. So now I plan to embrace my journey....and any obstacles that come my way.
I hope you will stop by and visit when you can....and share your thoughts as I travel this road.