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My Personal Hell 4/18/10

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Thursday, April 8, 2010


My Personal Hell


Where do I begin to describe the place that I have found myself. It seems like just yesterday I had a precious blonde haired 4 yr old asking me to be his Mama, and now 14 years later I have lost my first born. He was not born from me but from my heart and part of it is now gone.


My little boy was the brightest, sweetest kid you could ever meet. He was everything to me, and I was so proud of what he had endured and overcome in his life. He lost his Mother at a young age but never let it define who he was. We had such high hopes for him and his future and our lives revolved around him. When he wanted to play baseball for a certain school we sold our house to get in that school district. He was so talented and we sunk tons of money into developing that talent. We tried to give him every opportunity to shine and become who he wanted to be.


What I'm dealing with has become so complex I don't know how to even put it all into words to describe. There are so many stories to tell...so much that leads up to how we got here. All I do know is that sometimes I feel I will either die of heartbreak or loose my sanity. I go to bed each night with him on my mind and wake up every morning with the same thoughts running through my mind...all thoughts of him and what he is becoming and what we all have become through him.


I figured I could write about it....maybe it would help sort things...help me get a grasp on reality and figure out what I can do to make things better or see where I went wrong. Noone reads this blog much anyway so why not use it for my own therapy? At this point I'm desperate and will try anything.


How can a girl twist a boy around so tight that she changes him as a person to the point that he lies, abandons his family and then destroys all that they love? How can family members that you are supposed to depend on undermind you at every turn then turn their backs on you like trash on the street....just based on what a kid says? How can your own father turn his back on you because of something a 18 yr old kid says to get his way and never once listen to what you say?


December 3, 2009 my blonde haired blue eyed baby boy turned 18. December 5th he walked out of our house and never came home. Since then my Dad turned his back on me, my brother has nothing to do with me, my husbands family does everything they can to encourage his behavior and drive a wedge as deep as possible. But this hell that we are living didn't start then...it started 3 years ago when she stepped into my driveway. Now it seems that we are living in hell and our walls are plastered with nothing but bad memories.



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