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My husban is leaving me...


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Hi everyone. This is my first chatroom. I'm not sure I understand how this works so bear with me please.

I guess I am sad and lonely and need to connect with some supportive women. My life is a bit crazy. My husban is leaving me. I have 3 beautiful girls, no education because, of course, I stayed home with my children so he could pursue higher education. I am 40 pounds overweight. I feel really ****ty.

I know life goes on and I'll get through it all but I really need some words of wisdom from all you wise women out there.

I hope to hear from you.

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I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Yes, life does go on, but still we are often faced with difficult situations.

How are your girls handling things?

You and your family will be in my prayers.

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(((((lynnie))))))

I'm so glad that you took the time to make a post. I'm not sure any of us have any of the right answers, but hopefully you'll realize we have strong shoulders and big hearts and we're always willing to listen and share whatever experiences we have had in the past, in the hopes that they might help others to realize that there's hope for tomorrow.

I'm sure you're feeling many things right now...bewilderment, shock, disillusionment, fear, rejection, helplessness, hopelessness, panic, anger, hurt...maybe some of those are things you feel, maybe not.

And in reading your post one of the first thoughts that came to mind was MrsSurvival...women surviving many things in life. Potential divorce being something very serious many have faced here.

Please know that you are not alone, and whether we have walked the same path as you currently are on or not, we've all been devestated, we've all had the breath knocked outta us by circumstances that have crossed our path. Regardless of the fact that those circumstances might differ, the feelings have a way of having a common bond with others.

It is good you are talking and sharing. I hope that you will come to find, as all of us have here, that you are home.

((((((((lynnie and family))))))))

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((((((((Lynnee))))))))) You have come to the right place, Dearie!! (((((HUGS))))))

I'm so sorry about what is happening in your family life right now. But lets focus on some positives...you said that you have 3 beautiful daughters and that you are a stay at home mom, right?? Those are wonderful, wonderful things about you!! And if need be, that you have to enter the workforce...I am praying that an employer will see those family qualities in you as an asset for his/her company, for sure. Chin up, sweetie!!

WE are blessed to have you here. Keep talking and letting it all out. We are here for you!!! And when Cookie gets here, she is guaranteed to make you smile!! Its her "official job" here at Mrs. Survival smile.gif

You can join us down in the Gym for weightloss inspiration. You'd be amazed at how ordinary women are getting it together with thier physical health, as well as mentally and emotionally bonding with one another. Come on down!!

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[This message has been edited by Ginger (edited July 31, 2002).]

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Lynnie,

Hello and Welcome! How i wish i could say something to take your pain and worry away! If only it were that easy!

All i can say is i will keep you and your girls in my prayers.

I think you've come to the right place. We're here for you.

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{{{{{{{Lynnie}}}} I am sorry your DH decided not to try and work it out. Hug your girls and keep your chin up. You are worthy of something better! I am sure you have the spirit to overcome it all and make a life for you and your girls without him. We're here anytime you need a shoulder to cry on!

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**Cat pats ed's hand...** There, there, ed, you did just fine. We got it, and I'm sure lynnie did, too. smile.gif

Oh, lynnie, I'm sorry! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lynnie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

(That's a BIG hug!)

I take it this all happened rather recently, and you're still in shock? Do you have people who live near you who can just listen? A pastor, a trusted friend, your doctor?

How old are your daughters (DDs = Dear Daughters)? Are they old enough to give you support, or young enough that they keep you busy?

One of the helpful things that I've learned in my life was to write everything down, like a letter; to put down on paper *exactly* what I was feeling and the anger and hurt that I had inside.

The point is not to give it to anyone, or send it, but just to get it *out* of your hurting heart. You don't even have to write complete sentences or spell things right. smile.gif

Then you set it aside where no one can find it, and in a few days you can look at it and either stick it back away or burn it then.

It's great therapy, and it's *cheap*!!

But those things aside, it can help you feel better because it drains the pain out somewhat.

If you can hold your head up and not let your husband see your sadness, it is usually a *plus*, because he is expecting to see you fall apart. You will drive him *crazy* if you react in a way he doesn't expect.

Anyway, lynnie... you've come to a good place, and we can hold your hand (in a virtual way) as you go through the rough spots.

You're welcome to e-mail me at bagunsa@usa.net anytime.

I've been having some connection problems, so it might take me a day to get back to you, but I'll answer.

You're in my prayers, lynnie.

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I am so sorry that you have to go through this; I went through this myself earlier this year. I can't yell you what to do but my best advice is to not do anything in a big hurry or out of anger. My dh and I divorced very quickly and then regretted not trying to work out our problems afterward; he and I are trying to work things out now. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as well as your girls. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

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Thank you all so much for your responses. I was overwhelmed with your love and support! I have a feeling this site will be very important to me in the future.My husban and I are very civil to eachother. It is all brand new so we haven't made any decisions yet about living arrangements. I am trying to look at this as "opportunity". When God closes a door a window is openned, right? Let's hope so anyway.

I am numb. We will talk this weekend and try to make some decisions. He will want to share the house(3 days on -4 days off-kind off thing. That definatley won't work for me!So I expect things to disintegrate rapidly.

Pray for me, wish me luck, send good energy my way or whatever you do to help your friends.

Thanks, lynnie

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Lynnie, I am sorry about all that is happening and will be praying for you along with the others.

I have not gone through this, but our oldest son is going through it now. I don't have any answers for you.

I do think what Cat said, about writing it down, is a big help. I have done that when I was depressed, and I really think it helps.

How are your girls doing with this?

You are right about the doors too, God won't close one without opening another.

Let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

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Hi Lynnie, Just wanted to add my words. I too went through a separation 2 1/2 years ago. We talked about the same thing and were very civil. Do whats best for your kids, and for you. I insisted on keeping the house and kids, it was not a popular decision, he wanted to share house time as well, I would not have been able to live with that.

We went through some nasty times but I am glad to say that we talk now and the kids are much happier that we split, this came out later (they told me).

Be strong and you will come through this cloud stronger and happier if it is meant to be.

I will be thinking about you, chin up, don't give up.

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Briget, I would like to chat with you more and pick your brains for coping strategies and ways to ease the pain, etc. Especially about how to get the husban to leave the kids and get out of the house!

Could we chat?Could we email, maybe?

I'm not sure of the protocol here.

lynnie

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Hi Lynnie:

I am so sorry for the troubles you are going through right now. I will be praying for you! As Darlene said...maybe we all haven't gone through exactly what you are going through, but we have had the "rug pulled out from under us." Difficult times are not pleasant, but seem to be part of life we all go through. Hang in there, and keep talking with friends, pastor, etc. smile.gif

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Hang in there...God never gives us more than we can handle. You are and will be grieving at your loss for a while. You need to Step back from the situation for a moment and make of list of what you need for you and your daughters in terms of housing, support, insurance coverage for you and the girls and any other thing you think you might need. Take into consideration that you stayed home to raise your children while your soon to be ex got an education. Put away your negative feelings. DO NOT feel guilty about wanting what you deserve for yourself and your girls.

Your going to need to find legal help. Some lawyers work without a retainer and they can guide you and do whats best for you and the girls. Make sure you do get an equal share of your assets perhaps along with extra.

Find a place where you can go or call to get support for your mind, spirit and body.

I know this sounds crazy but look at this as a growing experience in your life. Your own personal education teaching yourself how to live and depend on yourself.

Get a journal, write down what goals you want for your life.

Change is scary and your life will be changing. Dont beat yourself up for being 40 lbs overweight. When your ready you will loose the weight. Work on gaining self confidence. Remember you can do anything or almost anything.

These changes are changes of loss, no matter what kind of loss. Anytime you feel overwhelmed step back and take a breather and again, WRITE DOWN what your thinking or how you can deal with problems. Have a personal notebook for your thoughts and one for your needs.

MOST OF ALL PRAY! God Hears your prayers. Get a copy of the poem Footprints in the Sand. Carry it with you all the time. Anytime you feel you cant get through another day or cant solve a problem read that poem and Let God Carry You In His Loving Arms over the rough spots in your life.

GOD DOES CARRY YOU! I can vouch for that personally!

In the meantime I will keep you in my prayers.

You have alot to do. Start with one task at a time. Dont overwhelm yourself. Find others in your area who can help you with your transition into the single parent life.

Its tough right now and it will be tough for a while. Remember that you learn and grow from your life experiences. You have the power to control your life. You are a life experience teacher without a degree. You have given the knowledge that you do have to your children while raising them, and to those whom you know. Be proud that your doing your best and have done your best.

DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP!

God Bless

[This message has been edited by reci (edited August 01, 2002).]

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(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))I'm so sorry.

I know how hard it is to end a marriage. Is there a community college near you? Many of them have "Fresh Start" programs for women (and men) in your shoes. There might also be many women's groups to help you cope and get a support system. Of course, a great support system is right here at MrsSurvival.

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Lynnie, I'm so, so sorry for all you are going through right now.

I'm the only member of my family that hasn't had multiple divorces. So, while my advice is as a bystander, I really have seen a lot of divorces.

The first thing I would say is to not allow your pain to get in the way of defending your children and their economic future.

Yes, your husband still loves the children, but in leaving you he is looking out for his own interests, not yours, and not theirs.

Don't allow yourself to be saddled with 100% of any joint debts. Both my sisters have done that because they wanted to keep the house (and were convinced that also meant keeping equity loans and 2nd mortgages)

Do not let him walk away with cars, boats, motor cycles, etc. that were bought with an equity loan or 2nd mortgage and leave you with the debt because it goes with the house.

Also, in our state we have a program called, "Non-Traditional Occupations for Women". It's run through our county vocational school and it gets women ready to work in "men's jobs". Many of these women are just like you, starting over without high school diplomas. You may have a similar program where you live.

A program like this can help you get a diploma or direct you towards good paying jobs that don't require one. They can tell you how to go about applying to the carpenters, electricians & plumbers unions and help you get the skills needed to pass entrance exams.

I know a woman who weighs 90 pounds soaking wet who is a heavy equipment operator. When the guys tease her about being a woman and being so tiny, she just tells them that it's the truck doing all the work, and she can climb up into the cab of that truck just as easily as they can. She drives dump trucks, bulldozers and road building equipment.

She makes $22 an hour. (probably more now, last time I talked with her was several years ago)

You may not want to do this kind of work forever, but it's the quickest way I know of to begin making the kind of money it will take to care for yourself and your children.

"Women's work" will never pay enough for you to provide the kinds of things you want for your girls. Regardless of any child support and alimony he may be required to give, if you get custody it's going to be up to you to provide for them. You can't do that making the kind of money most "women's" jobs pay.

As for the extra 40 pounds you are carrying.....you are about to go on "the divorce diet". I've never met a woman yet who hasn't lost a whole chunk of weight before the divorce was final. Take good care of yourself, eat well (healthy) and don't sweat it. wink.gif

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since everyone else is putting in their dimes worth let me throw in my 2 cents.

First forgive me for my what may appear to be cold callous comments. I in no way intend them to be. However, I have only the children's best intrest at heart not yours or your husbands.

Being the child of divorced parents .... honestly ...it sucks! and 45 years later is still isn't any better!! I still get it from both sides. Probably more as an adult then as a child, but as a child I was far more aware then given credit. children are not stupid and know what is going on even as little as age 3.

so while I am not the spouse scorned I am a child of that scorn.

Sell the house! move into a place where you can live side by side. You in one apartment and him in another is an example, a duplex that you both buy or you buy a house and he buys a house next to yours. Just cause you two are not able to live as husband and wife doesn't mean that the children should suffer the loss of one parent or the other! cause that is what is going to happen! the children loose!

Use each one of you for babysitting, perhaps he can watch the children while you go to school or you could work opposite work schedules so when he is at work you have the kids and when you are he has them. Ballet classes, baseball, music lessons what ever it is, the two of you need to work it out. The closer you are together the better. Maybe you have bread and jelly and he has peanut butter, nothing wrong with the kids running next door and raiding the cupboards! or Dad is out of milk and he runs in and gets milk for dinner. It should be that kind of relationship the children see. Not one of hurt and hatefulness.

Let the children see that just because you two can no longer live as husband and wife doesn't mean you can't be friends.

Don't deny the Father his rights as a parent. While the children need their mommy they also need their daddy too! it is balance they need. Without Daddy's imput how do boys know how to be men? and without Daddy's imput how do little girls know what to look for in a husband?

Do not confuse Daddy Duty with yor expectations of a Husband or your expectations of a wife. It is always about the children.

Personally, I'd try to put the marriage back together. The two of you had something once, it can be again. Or at least seek marriage counsiling to help make this divorce better and civil. Though I completely disagree with divorce. I feel like there is nothing that can't be compromised and worked out!

When the two of you made a commitment to be married the two of you can do what ever you please, but when you brought children into the world you made a commitment to them! at least till the last one turns 18.

I hate to see a broken heart, but mostly I hate it when it is a child.

This is for both of you not just you Lynnie.

Now for those kind words... first I give you a Great BIG HUG! now, what have you always wanted to do? it is now time for you to go back to school and do it!

I don't know what your laws are like but go get the best divorce lawyer you can find! one that specializes in Family Law. NOW! not tomorrow, not next week, but now! Go ask this one simple question... "What do I do now?" there is a start. Find out what all of your legal options are and his too. Are you eligable for spousal support? child support? how much? can you get money for school? can he be made to pay for the attorney? what is standard visitation? Perhaps if you two are civil you can work this all out and only use one attorney. Perhaps you two can work it out and be in love again.

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I'm so sorry to hear this Lynnie. You know you can always come here and talk to us and we'll try to help anyway we can. My prayers are with you and your daughters smile.gif

We, at Mrs S, are like a great "shoulder" you can always lean on whenever you need to!!! smile.gif

{((((Lynnie))))}

 

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[This message has been edited by mrszouave (edited August 01, 2002).]

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Wow... I am awed...

lynnie, I hope you have found some comfort in these words of love and advice.

Please see past the words to the love underneath, and the deep feelings that your situation brings out.

We do not allow e-mail addresses to show here because there are "web crawlers" who scan everywhere for addresses to send "junk mail" to. I don't mind deleting stuff, so I often post mine, and I will gladly act as a go-between if both parties agree.

bagunsa@usa.net

*OR* you can go ahead and post yours, but you know the risks. And *NEVER* post your "home" (main) address... set up an anonymous free one at hotmail, yahoo, or another place woithout any identifying names.

Some of us have instant message (IM) systems like ICQ, Yahoo Messenger, or others. My ICQ number is in my profile. Talking in "real time" is how many of our deepest friendships here have been formed. smile.gif

And lynnie? It's fine if you want to contact people here.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lynnie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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I've tried to write this 3 times and I keep getting cut off. Yikes!!

Thank you for your kind ( and real) words. You don't know what having a group of wise women thinking of me does for my energy!

My husban and I have gone through rough times for 10 yrs.(I'm only 33!)I was the one dragging him to counselling (3 times) and who separated from him for 3 months. I have put blood,sweat, and tears into this relationship-and now he has the "nerve" to leave ME! It's quite ironic, really.

I have a job I got last week. I know I will be fine. But those 3 little souls I take care of are what worries me. Although all my reading tells me happy children come from happy Mommys.

And I am also worried about somekind of "backlash" from the husban. Some of my friends think he is doing this as a "control" tactic.(Be good and do things my way and I'll let you come back to me)I've had it and am not going back. When he figures it out he may get "nasty". Let's hope it is a clean break and we grow from it and continue our 'journey'.

Thanks again

lynnie

p.s.how do you get those nifty pictures with your names?

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Lynnie, it's been 22 years since I heard those words, and it still knocks the wind out of me when I see someone post that their husband is leaving them. I know how heart breaking it is when you are really vested in the marriage. But, time will be your best friend, and you WILL survive this divorce, and emerge a healthy, happy person. You'll discover strenghts you didn't know you had, and you'll find out how self sufficient you can be on your own.

Ask for "separate maintenance" payments until the divorce is final....and you might also ask for him to foot the bill for college or technical school for you. If you don't do that, ask for alimony, and a portion of his retirement funds so that you are not destitute when you retire. Whatever you do, look after yourself and your kids, and don't let him manipulate you out of what you are due.

Keep that chin up, Lynnie, and let us know how you are doing. You don't have to go through this alone.

 

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(((Lynnie))) I think it has all been said, lots to think about, but do get to a lawyer

NOW. Get custody of your children before he tries to use them against you. even if it is tempoary custody until your divorse is settled. Get it now!

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