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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank


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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, who was visiting Texas:

 

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity

in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted

to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the

other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted.

 

Here are the scorecards from the event:

 

Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Frank: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint

from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 

Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.

 

Judge Two: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the

beer line.

 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

 

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

 

Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows

the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer

wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front

part of my chest.

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

 

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh

refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted

and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt

when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved

my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of

irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

 

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

 

Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers

at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number

3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

 

Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I

wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili

which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the

autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,

it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air

I'll just let it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

 

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

 

Judge One: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and

pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

 

Judge Two: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Frank:

 

(Editor's note: Judge 3 was unable to report)

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