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About NetteTX

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    Still thinking about it...
  • Birthday 02/03/1968

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    East TX
  1. Again, thank you so much for all your kind words and prayers. I have kept logged in to this site since I first posted. Some days I can't even think about getting on the computer, others my mind spins with all I want to say... and then its gone. So, I just lay on the couch. I'm trying to do more stuff but it is hard. If I look at it big picture I don't see much point. So I have started to try little steps on things. I have trouble paying attention to conversations that last to long. I have to have noise going all the time and that doesn't work always or I'm constantly thinking. I'm thinking about my son, my daughter, the investigastion, my life, the world, just on and on. I'm tired. I've questioned myself about every decision I've made and how that one change could have helped him to be in a different place and time in his life and none of this would have happened. I question why do some people get all the second chances in the world. I wish I knew how to do one of those fancy memorial pages. Maybe I can try and figure it out. I want people to know how talented and funny and great Noel was. I would like to go to some kind of group, thanks for the suggestions. We live out in the country and it has been hard trying to find something. No one here wants me to cry. So its quick when I'm alone, like in the bathroom or if everyone is asleep. Well, thanks so much for the cyber hugs and the prayers and really everything. Maybe I'll be able to help some one as much as ya'll are helping me, in some way along my path. Thats what I've always tried to do. Nette
  2. Thank you all so much for your kind words, advice and support. Shoshana, I am sorry for the loss of your son. I'm sorry you have to understand what I am feeling. Thank you for your prayers. I have been feeling quiet alone. Thank you for showing me so much compassion. It has always been hard for me to reach out. I have always tried to shield my two children from all that disfunctional and abusive stuff I grew up in and they blossomed. We had it tough but it made us industrious and inventive. We had fun together. We weren't hung up on material things, but we always had what we needed and then some because I was frugal. They believed in Santa way too long because they knew mom couldn't afford the things they got for Christmas. I finally had to tell them so they wouldn't have problems in school. Actually, they were probably doing that for my benefit, but I know for a fact they couldn't figure out how I did it money wise. Even my parents couldn't. I just keep having all these memories flood my head. My daughter lives with me and I had been talking so much about their births since she is pregnant and asking me questions. I can't understand time right now. It makes no since. I feel like I am watching different movies all at the same time. My daughter getting further along in her pregnancy. Kev, going to work. I know the memorial happened, I even spoke at it. Things have gone on, doctors appts. for both my daughter and I. My grand daughter trick or treating. Days are gone, a week, two. I don't know. I wake up and don't know what day it is. I can't explain it. I feel like it just happened. My daughter has said he has been gone for weeks. That doesn't seem right. I feel confused. I'm trying to figure it out. I know logically the days must be going by but time is not right. Where have I been? A few days at most, but weeks? My daughter was 11 weeks pregnant when it happened know shes over 14. That what she says. Cat, I will take your advice and post on the journal part and in the other part. If I can figure out how to find it. I am so thankful I posted here. I usually stayed on the prep, ready, how-to, and craft threads. Every year I would plan on doing that ornament exchange and chicken out thinking mine wouldn't be good enough. I have a story about my son Noel selling my ornaments(we live in the country) its pretty funny. He surpised me. He had more faith in me than I do in myself. The news video is on the internet. Well, more than one. Kev told me not to, but I had to watch it. Kev wouldn't watch it, but my daughter did. I don't know if you understand. They showed part of him. Not like a car accident were they report and cover up the victems. I watched all the police walking and talking all around him. Over and Over. There is more I want to say about this and ask about this. The blog or other thread, I guess. I just don't understand things. This world hurts my heart. I try to focus on good prepare, love, show, kindness. I had pretty much bacame a recluse in my house after my mom died in 05 and was just starting to see things differently in the last year. Things were getting so much better for our whole family heart wise, spiritually, just in every way. Now I see the TV and its horrible, I know the economy has been bad... but I always prepare for that stuff. I'm talking the other. The craziness I was already seeing it. Moms killing their babies, mass shootings, serial killings, but it is so much more frequent. Now that evil has touched us. I never wanted to be part of a news story. nette Thank you again, I didn't think I could write today but its helping.
  3. This is my first post since the board was changed over and I was a new poster back then. I really thought I had posted. I read and learn so much on here. I felt like I was a part of something, then I look at my profile and nothing. I don't really even exist here. I talked about the board and the people on it, like they were my friends and I was learning so much from them. I did learn. I realized I haven't interacted with anybody in years. This just became really apparent. I'm really stunned, I feel like I know some you on here. I feel so stupid. Should I even post? My heart hurts so bad. I can't be too upset in front of anyone. There is just the three of us left. My son Noel was killed October 16th, he is 22. It is under police investigation. He would have graduated from college this December. I talked to him that day and almost everyday for the two weeks before that. He was already interviewing for jobs for after graduation. He stayed the summers with us when he would intern. My daughter is 21 and 15 months younger than him is hiding all her emotions now. Because she is pregnant and the day after we found out, we had to take her to the hospital. Kev, is just worried about everything, especially me. I have to have surgery on the 20th and I don't even care. He is so used to me handleing everything. We always joke if anything ever happened he would be lucky if he grabbed the dogs before he ran out of the house. He finally was coming around to preparing for the future. Now I don't even care about today. I have a beautiful grand baby, she will be 4 in December. She is just like her dadddy. I am so glad I have a good relationship with her mom and can see her. We had her last weekend, it was needed, loved, but so hard. I don't understand, my boy was good. He had a beautiful soul. He did good things for people. Even the officer told me that people from his age to 70's had nothing but kind words to say about my son. So even away from home he followed what I taught him. But, for what? Now I have no son, my daughter has no brother and my beautiful grand baby has no daddy. I've had a lot of death in my life. Nothing like this. I don't know how to react. I'm so lost. My mom in was the last person I lost and I thought nothing was worse. I was wrong. But, I could cry and throw a fit and be upset even knowing ahead of time what was to be. I feel crazy. I clench my jaw a lot. I feel I can't breath. Tears roll down my cheeks. When no one is around these gasping sobs escape from me in short bursts. I'm afraid of them. There is a pain like I've never experienced before in me and it wants to make noise. There is always my daughter or Kev around me so I stay quiet and composed. They won't leave me by myself any length of time. When I'm not like that I just feel cold and dead with a hard knot in my stomach, still clenching my jaw. Back and forth.
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