ROBIE

Test 1: Preparation Women: To prepare for pregnancy: 1.Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. 2.Leave it there. 3.After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans. Men: To prepare for children: 1.Go to a local chemist. Tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. 2.Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. 3.Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2: Knowledge Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life when you will have all the answers. Test 3: Nights 1.Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 12-15 lbs, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2.At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3.Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4. Set the alarm for 3am. 5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6.Go to bed at 2.45am. 7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8.Sing songs in the dark until 4am. 9.Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off. 10.Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years — and LOOK CHEERFUL. Test 4: Dressing small children 1.Buy a real life octopus and string bag with holes in it. 2.Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no tentacles come out of the holes. Time allowed: five minutes. Test 5: Cars 1.Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon. 2.Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 3.Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player. 4.Take a bag of oreo cookies. Mash them into the back seat. 5.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Test 6: Going for a walk 1.Wait. 2.Go out the front door. 3.Come back in again. 4.Go out. 5.Come back in again. 6.Go out again. 7.Walk down the front path. 8.Walk back up it. 9.Walk down it again. 10.Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11.Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. 12.Retrace your steps. 13.Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. 14.Give up and go back in the house. Test 7: Conversations with children Repeat everything you say at least five times. Test 8: Grocery shopping 1.Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. 2.Buy your weekly groceries — without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. 3.Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9: Feeding a one-year-old 1.Hollow out a melon. 2.Make a small hole in the side. 3.Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4.Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane. 5.Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6.Tip the rest into your lap, making sure most of it falls on the floor. Test 10: TV 1.Learn the names of every character from the In The Night Garden, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. 2.Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11: Mess 1.Smear peanut butter on to the sofa and jam on to the curtains. 2.Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3.Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. 4.Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house on to the floor, then proceed with Step 5. 5.Drag random items from one room to another and leave them there. Test 12: Long trips with toddlers 1.Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mommy’ repeatedly. Important notes: there must not be more than a four-second delay between each Mommy, and include occasional crescendos to the level of a supersonic jet. 2.Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for four years. Test 13: Conversations with adults 1.Start talking to an adult of your choice. 2.Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above. Test 14: Getting ready for work 1.Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. 2.Put on your finest work attire. 3.Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it. 4.Stir. 5.Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. 6.Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 7.Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel. 8.Don’t change (you have no time). 9.Go directly to work. You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!

Tater McKnob

I posted this on my facebook the other day and thought it would be perfect here. This is a goal to work for, living better by living cheaper. http://www.today.com/video/today/51092494#51092494 [edit: Im an idiot] Robie

Deerslayer, I have you Trudy and Shirey added now too. I've been poking around and looking at a few things and still getting a feel for it. Robie

I just singed on with Pintrest, and am curious who else here is on Pintrest. What boards do you follow and what boards have you started and please give this pintrest newby some help!! Robie

During her doctors visit, a woman asked, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put into a nursing home?” ‘We fill up a bathtub,” the doctor said, “Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.” “I get it.” the woman replied, “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No,” the doctor countered, “a normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?” Robie

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime." End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. Robie

The wife came shashshaying out of her big walkin closet saying to her husband laying on the bed, "Look dear, I've had this for 30 years & it still fits perfectly." The husband looks up lazily saying, "Its just a scarf!" Robie

Its probably been around before, but some people need reminding. The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. ( don't you love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. but don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta' there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! Robie

What is the thinnest book in the world?"What Men Know About Women" What's the difference between men and government bonds?Bonds mature How do you save a man from drowning?Take your foot off his head What do men and beer bottles have in common?They're both empty from the neck up How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don't know... it has never happened What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?Lifting his leg so you can vacuum What's the difference between a man and E.T?E.T. phoned home What does a man consider a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack of beer What do you call a man with half a brain?Gifted ! What did God say after he created man?I can do better What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?1. No mind 2. No business Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal?He bronzed it How do men sort their laundry?"Filthy" and "Filthy and wearable" Only a man could buy a $400 car and put a $4000 stereo in it Why did God create man?He needed to practice Why is it good that there are female astronauts?When the crew gets lost, at least she will ask for directions Robie

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!" What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!" What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independance Day What's the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day! Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! What is another way of saying Happy Valentines day! S.A.D, Singles Awareness Day! What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!" Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts! What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny! What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!" What did the paper clip say to the magnet? "I find you very attractive." What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche! What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon Gosselin? Desperate! What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me." Knock, Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!" What did the bat say to his girlfriend? "You're fun to hang around with." What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed! What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single. Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!" Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste! Do you have a date for valentines day? Yes, February 14th You wanna hear a joke? Valentine’s Day Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man! Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. My wife and I always compromise; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!" A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!" Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Robie

There was a bit of confusion at the Ft Myers Cabella’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When an elderly man was ready to pay for his purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, he did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to his credit card. He's been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer Robie

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in New England were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?" Robie

Philby, thats what my sister had to deal with except it was supposed to be a girl and right before she was do it was like SURPRISE! That was 20 years ago. Thank God they have gotten much better.

Oh yes! I am so wrapped around her little fingers already. Michael Jr willneed some adjustment but thats normal. My wife Kelly is busy getting things ready and organized. Robie.

Baby #2sitter for the Roberson family is going to be a GIRL! Just got the word from the ultrasound today! This happy daddy will keep everyone updated as we grow along! Robie

My internet is limited but I want to hear from our friends in the north east. First sandy now this storm. How are your preps holding out? Amishway homesteaders? Themartianchick? All others? Robie

My wife is now pregnant with our second child! The Lord is so good to us! We just confirmed with the Dr today. Now 9the more months of happily waiting for the blessed event. ROBIE

Sorry that I've been gone so long. The move went ok, but the computer didnt make it. Did I miss much? ROBIE

Sorry I could not be here sooner, but happy birthday! ROBIE

cute! normally I cant stand rap, but thats cute. Might even put it to my facebook.... maybe... Robie

Kinda nice to know I'm not the only one with a junk drawer. and fishermanwife, I know that feeling too... happend in the Army when I put a battery in my pocket and it arched off my keys. Talk about dancing a jig! Robie

Michael, Your right! I'm cleaning out a bunch of boxes and found this one again. I was not sure if I posted this one befor, but its still good the seconed time around. Robie

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh**,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H***!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HE**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! Robie

I've been looking at coupons as well and I've been noticing fewer and fewer deals. Mostly health care/skin care or paper product stuff now. Im wondering if its a backlash from all the extream krazy couponing thats been happening the last few years? Robie