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ROBIE

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Everything posted by ROBIE

  1. For the last two weeks, I've been having computer problems but thankfully no viruses to deal with.... that I know of... but I had to enstall a new hard drive and redo windows... oh joy.... So I thought I'd find some computer jokes to share... Types of computer viruses Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years. Robie:laughkick:
  2. My one year old son is always trying to help me cut veggies and handle the very hot stuff all the time! :wink (2): Robie
  3. Did you see the news about the survivalist that was out camping with his son in California? Apparently they got lost for two weeks, and NO ONE KNEW TO LOOK FOR THEM. (The biggest mistake people make when going out hiking/hunting or just outdoors! Tell someone where your going and when to expect you back and when to call for help if you don't show/contact!....rant over ) Eventually they were found, dehydrated, starving, and with an endangered California condor carcass at their camp. Of course they were hauled into court for killing an endangered species. HEY YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. The court room was packed with survivalists and nature lovers and of course the press was there to cover it all. The father had a chance to speak and said "Your Honor, we were lost, starving, and I was watching my son literally waste away before my eyes. The condor was the first thing I found to shoot, and yes, I knew it was wrong. But it was the condor or my son... I'm sorry, but what would you do if it were your son?" The judge stares at the prosecutor and asked him if he had any qualms about dropping the case considering the circumstances. Prosecutor looks around at the press focused on him, decides he doesn't want the bad publicity, and declines to prosecute. The judge dismisses the case and raps his gavel. Then he said "Before I let you go, and I know this is kind of a morbid question, but what does a condor taste like?" The father looks at him and says "Well it's kind of a curious mixture of bald eagle and baby seal." Robie
  4. A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open,... as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?... ''Yes," was his incredulous reply...........She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.' Robie
  5. A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah! The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start." Robie
  6. When I first read this artical this morning I was like... How will it make the rest of us look in the eyes of the sheeple? Another good reason for the best OPSEC you can have. From what I read in the artical, he does have a gas mask, the bunker is bigger than the LEO's first realised, and he has enough food/water/preps to hold up for at least a week. They found the bunker complex by looking at photos of the bunker found at his house. Huge OPSEC fail. If he is guilty of what he is accused of, he needs to face up to the law. There is however more to the story than being told at this point, but it will all come out soon. It will be talked about for years for the good and the bad. What he did right as far as preps and being prepaird, what he did wrong in breaking the law. How survivialist/preppers/militia/teaparty right wing extreamists/anti gov/ect...ect.. are either total nutjobs never to be trusted, or a fring element of our society that needs to be held in check. I can just see it now on doomsday preppers and doomsday bunkers.:frying pan: A few lessons/reminders: Dont live in fear! Dont let fear drive your preps/survivalism. Practice the BEST OPSEC you can every day/hour/minute you can!! Have faith in God and let Him be your guide. There is more to say, but this is enough for now! Robie
  7. Rules for men 1. Call. 2. Don't lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If a guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If a guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "(meany)" are bad. 12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 15. Her cooking is excellent. 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 17. Soap is your friend. (I like this one) 18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 22. Two words: clean socks. 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. 24. Burping is not sexy. 25. You're wrong. 26. You're sorry. 27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. 28. Ditto for your discourse on football. 29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.:frying pan: 40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 42. Think boxers. 43. Silk boxers. 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. 45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 46. Her haircut is never bad. 47. Don't let your friends pick on her. 48. Call. 49. Don't lie. 50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your a** smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything. Robie:laughkick:
  8. ROBIE

    More rules

    25. TheView is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do. 24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either) 23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar. 22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work. 21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy. 20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so? 19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification. 18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion". 17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire. 16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store. 15. While the lingerie appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking. 14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear. 13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax. 12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary. 11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses. 10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree. 9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it. 8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not. 7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty. 6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet. 5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor. 4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care. 3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V. 2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean. 1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you. Robie
  9. ROBIE

    The rules!

    And yet more! Women's Rules for Men The female always makes The Rules. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. No male can possibly know all The Rules. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. The female may change her mind at any time. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. The male is expected to mind read at all times. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void. The female is ready when she is ready. The male must be ready at all times. <h1></h1> Men's Rules For Dealing With Women Don't call. Ever. Lie. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. No matter what, it isn't your fault. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help. Women like it when you ignore them. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. Deny everthing. Everything. Use the best break up line, "It's not you, it's me". Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. Feelings? What feelings? "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. It's OK if you forget trivial things, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. Don't ever notice anything. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know". If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. If anyone asks you for a favour -(a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; ( remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every day for the rest of their life. Lie. Robie
  10. ROBIE

    The rules!

    We are studing about proper marriage relationships in our sunday school class, and thought some of thies might be helpful Some you have seen, they have been around for a while, but some might help give us some insight about our spouces..... maybe.... Women's 50 Rules For Dealing With Men Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambigious. Always. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember. Make them apologize for everything. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile. Look them in the eye and start laughing. Cry. Get mad at them for everything. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm. Hold grudges. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess." Be late for everything. Yell if they're late. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness. Cry. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry. Fall for your FAC. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud. Correct their grammar. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer. Leave out the good parts in stories. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing. Cry. Declare that you are not wacko. Criticize the way they dress. Criticize the music they listen to. Criticize their hair. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them. Try to change them. Try to mold them. Try to get them to dance. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted. Cry. When they screw up, never let them forget it. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because. Blame everything on PMS. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?" Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch. Read into everything. Over-analyze everything. Cry. Make it your goal to make them cry.
  11. I saw this game the other day while at Barns and Nobles and just happend to think of all my prepper/ survivalist friends. It was about $35 at B&N, so I passed on it pluse I want to see how its played and worth the money. You can find it cheaper on Amazon, like this: http://www.amazon.com/Z-Man-Games-7021ZMG-Pandemic/dp/B0013OBXG2 Your thoughts? Robie
  12. ROBIE

    Teenagers

    A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager. Robie
  13. There have been several threads concerning what qualifies a person as a Survivalist or Prepper but no real standards or level of training presently exists. This is about to change with the opening of the American School of Survival (A.S.S.) The aspiring survivalist will be able to train over 4 years in courses that provide a firm grounding in survivalism topics. Graduates of A.S.S. (accredited by the National Alternative Education Foundation) will receive a Bachelors of Survival Science (BOSS) or the similar degree in Prepper in Survival Science. Course study will include subjects in: Canned goods, beginning and intermediate. Weapons and tactics, including history and development. Foraging techniques. Psychology of Survival Historical survival studies. Basic and applied Prepper math. Homesteading Bushcraft and advanced bushcraft and other subjects. Just imagine the authority you will command when those that question your survival knowledge, You can reply to them that you got it in The A.S.S. Robie
  14. I belive its an annaconda somewhere in south America/amazon rain forest. I'm pretty sure this guy is eather dead or scarred for life! Robie:behindsofa:
  15. This guy WAS an idiot!! http://www.letssmiletoday.com/videos/1965-snake-strikes-at-cameraman Robie
  16. Over a hundred views, but only 5 replies... guess people are too busy laughing to reply:sHa_sarcasticlol: Robie:laughkick:
  17. I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision-making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups, too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again, as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle… at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine. I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeway. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness… all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets, I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect… As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it — it was that close. I hate to run over animals… and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leaped! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!”, as the leap was spectacular, and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street… and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing!! I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely-kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary ****ed-off squirrel. This was an evil Krazed Killer Squirrel of Death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in… well… I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street… on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle… my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a *Army Ranger* Krazed Killer Squirrel of Death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel, however. The rpm’s on The Valkyrie maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand… I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked… sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested in or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger… That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car… I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves. Robie
  18. ROBIE

    Bad Advice!

    ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points... When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. Robie
  19. Snowmom, I'm happy to report that there are still 3 babies in the nest! I was up early today and saw mommy feeding her 3 chicks. Robie
  20. The first egg hatched yesterday afternoon! A cute little fluffball! Robie:cele:
  21. the first egg should be due to hatch this week!! so excited! Robie:balloons:
  22. I watched this last year too, at work no less! My work mates thought I was a bit nuts, but they liked seeing the baby eagles when they were moving about. I pray this time I get to see them hatch! Robie
  23. Sence I made a comment about this in the humor section, I had to read up on this. Sounds very interesting! BTW... what ever happend to Cootie? Robie
  24. Only the chocolate ones!!! Robie
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