ITeenage problems

[ANewMe]

Can someone please tell me how you do that little quote thingy???

[DenimDaze]

Its a horrible situation and I feel for you Momnplanmode. Your teenager has now been sucessful getting around your rules several times - your authority has been almost destroyed by other adults. You shouldn't have to deal with that too!

 

Teenagers, even the best of them turn into manipulative drama queens when what they want is thwarted. I have a 16yo son as well, mine has lost cell phone, video game player and is grounded except for school events for getting C's.

 

The house rule has always been to get better then a C. The whining and dramatics have been amazing! And when you counter the dramatics with facts - oh my!

 

 

I think if I were you I'd go back to family court, update them on the situation and find out what they can recommend. The biggest problem I see is your DH. Unless you both are united, the 16yo, who will fight and manipulate with NO boundaries, will win.

[ANewMe]

NYDebbie....no kidding. We have been very united up until now and I can see a few threads unraveling. He is very nonconfrontational and he's usually the one to back down. On this he has stood his ground except with his sister. He makes excuses for her. She is actually a control freak and always has been.

 

After his first wife passed she tried to get him to let her have our 16 yr old. He wouldn't do it. I came into the picture shortly afterwards and we became a family and she was great...until I stood up to her.....it was down hill from there. They came down and got him to stay a week with them and she tried to keep him all summer. Then she ignored our new child completely. He would chase after her crying for her when she would come pick up the oldest. Now he's as much her flesh and blood as the oldest so I had enough and tried to talk to her rationally. Needless to say it didn't work. Actually things seem to have gotten better but I guess she still holds a grudge. Oh well... I think we'll be bringing home in the next week or so.

[ANewMe]

Thanks Westie...just found your response. We are battling that. Told him he had to get a job to pay his insurance on truck we gave him free and clear. Also told him he would have to pay his book fine at school and since he just crushed his new phone out of anger he can pay for that too. He says he's not paying insurance because the truck is not in his name and he's not allowed to drive right now. So that is fine with me as far as I'm concerned we can sell it. HEY...more prep money!!!! HAHA

 

I told DH bring him home, let him work around the house and earn the money...theres tons to do here. If he does it fine if he doesn't fine but it will matter when he can't drive, and he can't get his grades because he didn't pay his fine, and he can't talk to this darling little girl because his phone is broke. I also told DH I don't care who he sees as long as there is peace in the home and he takes care of his business because I have NO DESIRE to become a grandma at 36 yrs old when I also have a 9 and 3 yrs old. Now that may be blunt for some of you here and I never thought I would say that but....I am. Hopefully in a while he will come to his senses and will see her for what she is and we will get our son back.

 

Thanks Westie!!! I haven't had the pleasure of conversing with you since I'm new but I have enjoyed reading your post and love your no nonsense approach. My prayers are with you daily.

 

Much Love

Melissa

[DenimDaze]

Originally Posted By: momnplanmode

Can someone please tell me how you do that little quote thingy???

instead of hitting 'reply' hit 'quote' and then delete out the parts you don't want to quote.

[ANewMe]

 

instead of hitting 'reply' hit 'quote' and then delete out the parts you don't want to quote.

 

 

Lets see if this works

[ANewMe]

Originally Posted By: momnplanmode

instead of hitting 'reply' hit 'quote' and then delete out the parts you don't want to quote.

this time???

[ANewMe]

Hey...hello happy dance!!!! I did it.

 

Thanks

[Shandy]

Look. Here's the deal about family members.

 

I come from a really neat family. Every one of them are great people, good marriages, wonderful kids, excellent work histories, no addictions. Just really good people.

 

We have been in two situations where we had to deal with troubled kids in our home.

 

And *both* times different family members stepped WAY over the line, even after being told to back off!

 

I've wondered if I were put in the same situation of watching a family struggle because of one kid if I would do the same.

 

Probably not, now that I've felt it from the recieving end.

 

But if I hadn't experienced this end of it, I might think I know better than the parents and step in where all I could do was damage things worse.

 

If you invite family members to help in any way, be aware that you have given them liscence to do the best they can, and they will! Because they love that child, and most likely love your family, and we all think we have the answers till we walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

 

My advice, having walked this road before, is to not let this get between you and your relatives *in the long run*. I'm not sure you can help the resentment and junk inside right now, but if you can, do it! If not, just make sure everyone is forgiven down the road when it is all over.

 

This is a really really really tough situation.

[ANewMe]

Shurleen...that is what I hope to do. I have forgiven alot that his family has done towards me...problem is sometimes I have trouble forgetting and it rears its ugly head at a time like this. I think I can see that she is not really doing it to get at me...she just thought it would help and she hasn't seen the flip side of him...just the good boy who cooks for them and does his own laundry and cleans his room....would really like to see that side down here!!!...but anyway. She only knows what we have told her and what she has seen with him. All of that based on the knowledge that all of this is way out of character for him I can see where she could easily be taken in. Let me tell you...he can work it too. So I'm going to try not to hold a grudge..chalk it up to lessons learned and get on with it. Thanks for bringing it into perspective for me.

 

[ANewMe]

I hope you guys are not getting tired of my drama...I just need to vent, cry...something...I'm so frustrated. I just posted another prayer request and I feel very badly about adding to this one but I truly am at witts end.

 

My parents are going on vacation and will be up in the area where my SIL lives and our son is staying. They offered to bring him home when they come to save us buying a ticket or spending gas to go get him. He also has baseball coming up and I miss my child...all the garbage doesn't matter when it comes to the fact that I miss him. Well, I emailed my SIL last night and told her of our plan and asked how far they were from Gatlinburg. She responded and her exact words were:

 

He can't leave yet. We have rented a cabin in Gatlinburg for the 4th and going over with ---. Will call you tonight. Love ya

 

I was absolutely LIVID that she would tell me that my son couldn't come home. So emailed back and said "Man I hate for him to miss that but we figured this would be the easiest and best way to get him home. He has stuff with baseball. How far are ya'll from Gatlinburg." I rec'd no response. I tried calling him all day and only got answer machine. DH tried calling...same thing. Well, about hour ago my MIL called to tell us she just rec'd email from them and they were going camping for the weekend and would have no phone service. They didn't tell us that or try to contact us. DH said he'll take care of it but he's never stood up to her and thinks everything she does is fine. Where we have stood united we are dividing...quickly. I feel totally invisible and it's like I have no say so where she is concerned. I don't want to take it out on DH but its getting harder and harder.

 

Something has got to give...with my test tommorrow and my job situation and all of this I just don't feel like I can take much more. Please pray for me and my family because right now I can't.

 

Melissa

[susie]

Originally Posted By: momnplanmode

Shurleen...that is what I hope to do. I have forgiven alot that his family has done towards me...problem is sometimes I have trouble forgetting and it rears its ugly head at a time like this. I think I can see that she is not really doing it to get at me...she just thought it would help and she hasn't seen the flip side of him...just the good boy who cooks for them and does his own laundry and cleans his room....would really like to see that side down here!!!...but anyway. She only knows what we have told her and what she has seen with him. All of that based on the knowledge that all of this is way out of character for him I can see where she could easily be taken in. Let me tell you...he can work it too. So I'm going to try not to hold a grudge..chalk it up to lessons learned and get on with it. Thanks for bringing it into perspective for me.

Aren't ALL kids better behaved at someone else's house?

[susie]

Oh, NO!!!! Don't let him come home!!! Make him stay!!!

 

It'll only be worse.

[Stephanie]

((momnplanmode))

 

First, stop and take some deep breaths. You're okay and he's okay for this very moment, and the rest of it IS going to work out. Listen, I'd be right there with you, livid, that someone was so bold to make decisions that involved MY child. However, this stress is going to make you sick, so do your best to LET GO and LET GOD.

 

You've been praying, so could this possibly be a Divine Intervention? Your husband said he'll handle it, so just choose to believe he will this time.

 

One thing I've learned in my spiritual walk is that timing is everything. God knows how concerned you have been and are. He's listening to your prayers. YOU really don't have a lot of choices right now, so choose to TRUST. TRUST your husband, your relatives, your son and your GOD.

 

Please save this speech somewhere for me in case I face a similar circumstance. (((((momnplanmode))))

[Shandy]

OK. I was going to post the very same things exactly that P2B posted.

 

So I won't say it twice. Just consider it strongly dittoed.

 

-From one that has been there.

[Pastors wife]

Quote:(Shurleen, I'm going to do exactly what you said. Stand firm on house rules, love him to pieces and watch from the sideline and be there when he falls. I can't fix this for him...all I can do is make sure my home continues to be the home that we make it without the outside influences.)

 

It is hard to stand firm, but if you do so, you won't regret it.

 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.KJV

 

Don't beat yourself up about all that's going on. This too shall pass.

 

I have a now grown son that caused us no end of tears and sorrow, but now he is all any mother would want. He doesn't know why he did the things he did. I think it was mostly to see how far we would bend. When he was in his late teens, we banned him from our home because of drugs and stealing. He could call, but that was it, UNTIL he cleaned up. Tough love? Yes, but it was because of that love that we had to take that step.

 

I will keep you in prayer.

[JCK88]

Oh...this is so hard. Our daughter gave us a lot of grey hairs threatening to run away with a boy to Arizona, being hateful, going against all we taught we taught her. However, my dear mother in law kept telling us that no child who had gotten the loving guidance like ours had would stay bad very long. She turned out to be right.

 

The important thing is to get him home, talk to him from your heart about how much you love him. Help each other work through the problem rather than have him try to run away from it, and it may be that he learns you love him always even if he does push you to the edge. OUr daughter says she is much more sure of herself and her place in our family and is certain that the three of us can face anything now==because we went through the worst.

 

Keeping you in prayer that things can be worked out. It does take time, even years, but don't give up!

[ANewMe]

Hi guys...haven't been on here in a long time but with the Hurricane heading our way I had a few minutes to see if any of you on the Coast had news. Thought I would give you an update on my teenage situation.

 

Should've gone with my gut feeling and NOT sent our son to my husband's sisters. We found out that she lied to us the whole time, allowed him to do anything he wanted to do and maintain contact. She played him and us. Husband was livid but kept quiet because he wanted him home and did not want to stir the pot. She then emailed us and told us how we handle things wrong and need to do things different. He put on a huge show up there and did not show the side he showed here. When he got home we found that she took him to buy the girl a ring!!! Now, remember he's up there to cut off contact. He can't say how much money he's made and she won't say. He never sent us money to pay for the books he left in the back of his truck so we could get his grades...again another lesson in responsibility we were trying to teach him. But she did send the money and got his grade ON OUR BEHALF. When I tried to get them they wouldn't give them to me!!!! They said that his mother already got them. So with all of this and the ring to top it off our situation blew wide open. We emailed her and told her that we did not appreciate the lies and undermining. We did not curse or be ugly...just stated the facts. That unleashed the most vilest bunch of emails from her and her daughter I have ever seen. AND they fowarded all of them to my 70+ yr old mother-in-law. She was so upset she started talking about dying and what she wanted done. She can't handle stress. We were threatened with Child Protective Services and said they had taped phone conversations which I could care less because if they did it would have had their part of the conversation backing us up and agreeing. It's a mess. It was all towards me mainly but it was also ugly and disrespectful towards husband, previous deceased wife and our son.She vowed to get the emails to our son which we copied and gave to him ourselves. He got really upset about them and basically said he wanted nothing else to do with them. In an effort to pacify his mother my husband decided not to speak to his sister on the matter and just emailed her and said they were not to contact any of us again. So...they started contacting our son's girlfriend...offering to support her in any way they could.

 

On a good note....we had a plan for when he came home. Of course, it took much longer because of the sister's garbage, but we dealt with some things and son is doing really well. He is still seeing the girl and we have made ammends with her. But I'm still very careful. So I am thankful for that. I also now know how husbands family truly is. They all line up behind that one sister....noone wants to go against her. I love my mother-in-law and husband but I now understand that noone will ever stand up for me in this family. The other sister-in-law that I was close with cut off contact. Supposedly she didn't agree with what her sister did but she still cutt of contact. So I will no longer be involved in the family functions at all. She claims that I stole our son from her....all I did was marry her brother and become a mother to her nephew.

[JCK88]

{{{Hugs}}}}

 

Mend your own household's pain and don't worry about the rest of them. Continue to show kindness if you run into them. Don't let the venom come from you, ever. These people aren't going to change but it is still up to you to model the right behavior on your part, so that your son sees who is doing what is right.

 

Keeping all of you in our prayers...

 

 

[sassenach]

I think everyone said it all already, so......

 

and praying your sons guardian angels are working overtime to turn him around !

[cookiejar]

More prayers sweetie

[ANewMe]

You know, I don't know if you guys know it or not but you are the greatest!! There are no words to express the gratitude for the support and encouragement that I have found here on this site. It literally brings tears to my eyest this morning as I read all of these post....not just for me and my situation...but for others as well.

 

I know without a doubt that God led me here. I don't even remember how I found you now....but I'm glad that I did. I had not been on here for a few months because I had been fighting so hard for my License...but that is over and I'm back. I feel like I'm home.

 

It's beyond me how I can feel such a connection with people that I have never met personally. You guys feel like family and I would give anything to meet you all in person. Although I know that here on this earth that will never happen I know that it will when we all go Home. I hope you all will look for me when we get there because I will be looking for all of you!!!

 

Thanks once again for your kindness and encouragement. Know that I send hugs and prayers to you all.

 

Melissa

[Jasminegirl]

Praying for your family

[MommaDogs]

I was a defiant teen and all I have to add is that if my parents EVER told me what not to do - that is EXACTLY what I would have done.

 

What do I do with my stepchildren? Respect them for the individuals they are, let them know I am always there to talk to, and that some rules will not be broken. Push him away from her and he will run right into her arms.

 

Love the idea of the restaurant. Get them out of the cocoon they are in and into the real world together and maybe he will see her for what she really is - or you will, maybe.