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Is he cheating?


helen04

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Hello, my husband and I have not been doing too well in our marriage for the last couple of 2-3 years, been married 8yrs.

 

The past year has been more difficult, we have not been intimate in six months, he does not kiss me anymore, he goes out a couple of times a month with friends and does not come home until 4-5am.

He sometimes stays late at work, which is unusual. He doesn't like to go anywhere with me and our kids. His weekend is spent on his own. Over these past few years he has mentioned in arguments his unhappiness with this marriage and me, which also have help convince me he may be up to no good.

 

Do I have a right to think he is cheating and do I have any basis for my feelings?

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welcome6 Helen. Sorry to hear you are having these problems. You already know in your heart staying out with friends until 4-5am along with needing all activities to be separate from you and children is not good or healthy for the relationship between you two or the family. Listen to your gut instinct and try to find out what the situation is. Not only do you deserve an answer it could be that he's acting out due to depression or some other problem having trouble dealing with. Whatever is going on, doesn't appear he's trying real hard to be discreet. Have you discussed these concerns with him or has he given explaination for the odd behavior? bighug
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Actually, I've heard that often a cheating husband gets *more* intimate with his wife, to cover up (or from guilt).

 

7-8 years is often a "crisis period". Young children are needy, husbands feel neglected, life becomes routine. A new "fling" adds spice to *his* life and he gets MORE animated because of it. They buy new clothes, take a new interest in their personal grooming, buy a new car. It doesn't sound like that's what's happening here (from sitting here seeing only what you wrote, of course shrug ).

 

Could he be suffering from depression?

 

Here are a few common causes in men: (You don't have to answer, or get specific... I'm only giving you "food for thought"!)

 

How are the finances? Is the current economy affecting his job?

 

Are bills and work responsibilities weighing heavy on him?

 

Is he getting any pressure from parents or in-laws?

 

Does he seem worried about his health or aging? (Often as men approach the age of someone they know who died young from disease or illness, they get moody comparing their life with the deceased.)

 

 

 

Do you think you could get him to either a medical doctor or a counselor? You can talk to a medical doctor about your concerns ahead of time, if you *do* suspect depression.

 

 

I guess I'm asking you to take a good, close look at *all* of your husband before jumping to a conclusion that could only drive a deeper wedge between you if you're wrong.

 

bighug

 

 

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Helen, I am SO sorry that you are suffering in an unhappy relationship. I have been married well over 10 years and have gone thru times (yes, more than one) where I didn't like my husband very much...or even at all. I'm not sure what the answer is, except that love is a choice...and both parties have to make that choice.

 

As for the lack of intimacy...I would point to a physical issue. Weight gain? Depression? Diabetes? High blood pressure? One or all of those can decrease a guys ability to "perform." Avoidance of the act is one way to get around the inability to do the deed.

 

I hope things get better for you. I would suggest prayer and the counsel of a good friend.

 

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Dear Father, glorious and omnipotent, please help Helen04.

 

You know how much satan hates your sacrement of marriage. It seems that he has found a way into hers.

We ask that you will intercede in this situation and get Your glory. Grace Helen with strength and love and confidence as she waits for You to move. Renew the open-heartedness of the day of thier marriage. Ensure the security of thier children.

 

Have your perfect will in Helen's life.

 

We ask this and we thank You in the name of our Saviour, Jesus the Christ. Amen.

 

Hang in there, Helen04!

 

We ask this in the name

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sounds to me like you need to go out on a date youself..................

 

with him!

 

TALK about going out on a date or even cook a meal at home, Just the 2 of you.

AND make it a date! - talk about the weather, the garden, the sky, what happened to the kid next door, etc. BUT not about money,work,bad times, or anything that will be a downer. (We seen this before - get together and the first words are "so how come you don't love me anymore?" like THAT will make him change.)

Don't surprize him when he walks in the door and think he will enjoy it - it must be a planned thing so you both are ready to enjoy. By the way don't think that whe dinner is over 'dot-dot-dot' will happen. That and getting back together will take time.

 

baby steps for now.

 

Michael2

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Susie! HUSH! keep your silly comments in the outhouse, where they belong! Good Grief! I'm hoping you were saying this tongue in cheek, but whatever, don't blurt things out like that.

 

helen welcome to MrsS, there are some lovely helpful folks here on the board. I pray things work out for your marriage.

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Helen,

As a guy, I have a suggestion. My suggestion is for you to simply come to him in a time when you both are alone with no distractions. With all of the vulnerability you can muster, no criticism, no bitterness or accusation and simply talk openly about your concerns. I wouldn't mention the notion about your fears of his betrayal. I would simply go to him, express your great love for him and your respect for what he is doing to support your family. Recognize that this is a spiritual assault designed to tear your family down at the roots and approach it from that standpoint. Tell your husband again of your commitment to him, no matter what. Give him your reassurance that you are standing with him no matter what and that you are not running away. Offer what you have within yourself to him as his spouse and partner. Then duck and let God Almighty deal with him. Once you have done your part, the rest is up to God. Respect is the key. Respect without condition. Just as love without condition is the key to his part in this marriage. Eph 5. Read it and take it seriously. You do your part and God will honor it. Letting him know that you believe that he has good intent and that (regardless of his failures) you believe in him is THE most important thing any man needs to know way down deep inside.

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want me to follow him? seriously... if you found out he was.. then what? think long and hard! any of your friends can follow him! but now that you know.. ?????

 

got a video camera? place it in the corner somewhere. turn it on! then go back and watch yourself and kids.. maybe he just needs more calm and quiet? what ever goes on.. it is always interesting to watch family dynamics. I wouldn't turn with him at home without telling him. And explain you want to see what is going on to drive him away.

 

If you don't have an education.. go get one! find a career.. nothing worse then to be faced with divorce and not able to support yourself and children!

 

I am not as sweet and kind about this stuff. I would get a career.. the least amount of years for the most money.. Registered Nurse! I would keep the family intact as long as I could, play nice, no stress on him. Once I had my path completed.. then I would have him followed! photos too! cause I am not nice about cheating!

 

Welcome and stick around..people do care!

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There are other options.

 

A few, off the top of my head..

 

1. He gambles

2. Is into drugs

3. Is into criminal behavior

4. Has another family somewhere (child by someone else)

5. Feels disrespected at home, is seeking affirming through other sources (activities, drugs, friends, work, affairs).

6. Really is working like crazy to make ends meet. (my DH is super stressed by the economy and is taking all the overtime he can get).

7. Has some kind of personal problem and is afraid to share it (getting treatment for medical needs?)

8. Is a closet drunk.

9. Is impotent and hanging out at strip clubs to deal with it

10. Has alternate lifestyle issues

etc..

 

I personally would start a two-pronged strategy.

1. Try to vamp up your relationship with him. Try to do things so he feels valued and affirmed at home. Let him overhear you bragging about something he does to someone else. Men need respect and affirmation from their families, it's not an egomaniacal kick for them to say that it's a "need".. it really is. They need three things... 1. respect 2. intimacy 3. good food and the feeling of "home" being a refuge. If intimacy isn't happening, work on the other two, but find ways to show that you are still attracted.. women aren't the only ones who feel diminished by physical aging and changes.

 

2. Start evaluating your own life.

Do you have any friends or outside interests of your own? Are you boring? (that's something I had to answer "yes" on, it gives me the right to ask it). Have you lost the ability to have fun, laugh, be silly, impulsive? Are you a happy person?

What would happen if he left you suddenly? Do you have enough cash to get through a month? Do you have support people? Are you capable of taking care of yourself and your children through even a short separation?

 

Taking action to preserve your future in the event you are left alone is useful regardless of what he is doing. It's a practical life affirming exercise to really evaluate where you are and what your skills are, what things need improving, and what your permanent handicaps might be.

 

Give the two things above about a month to work and then reevaluate your situation. By then you should have more information and may need to start doing other things to either improve your marriage further, or determine if it's already damaged beyond repair.

Trust me on this though, outside of outright abuse, divorce won't make anything better anytime soon, maybe not ever. The ripple effect of divorce doesn't seem to ever end.

 

Don't think in terms of "I can't handle it anymore". Think in terms of "How can I improve my life/marriage by changing X behavior or habit". Most marriages can be saved if even one party is willing to try. Don't believe that he has to match your efforts. If it's savable, his time will come, but it might be all on you for the time being.

 

I recommend a book from the library that is no-where near as radical as it sounds. Laura Doyles "The Surrendered Wife". There is no door-mat advice here, only sound perspective and a whole lot of common sense. It worked for me.

 

Hope this helps and doesn't offend. I've been walking in similar shoes though. I still remember sneaking around our one-light town trying to tail my husband without him seeing me. He wasn't having an affair, btw. He was working 80-90hrs a week, sneaking in a drink on the way home and was going fishing by himself to destress when he would just "disappear". I got smarter and was lucky, maybe you will too.

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Helen... I don't know what your standing is in religion. But I have seen many marriages come back from the brink of destruction because of the wife praying for the marriage. I know that it sounds crazy, but the more that you pray for yourself and figure out what God has in store for you and to show you what needs to be corrected in your life, your husband will come around. (I am by no means saying that you are wrong, because what you have said, he is doing wrong) If he is not a Christian, than only YOU can only do what is right by staying committed to the relationship. One day, you will only be responsible to God for your actions and reactions, and he will be responsible for his own behavior. The only time that you should walk out is if there has been a definite cheating (which if you don't know, do not assume) or if he is abusive. Don't follow the world's standards it is very self absorbed and what you think will make you happy, which is not right. It will be all right, and if you want to talk more, you can PM me and I will try to help you in any way that I can. I have worked with a lot of women and helped them to rediscover love in their broken relationships. Just let me know and I will be there. Love is a choice, even if if the person that you are loving doesn't feel the same way.

I'll pray for you and your husband.

Buggs

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(((Helen))) Sometimes people are just plain unhappy and it has nothing to do with their own life or their spouse or whatever. They are unhappy because of something inside them.

 

You can't be responsible for that. You can only control what you do.

 

One question you need to be honest with yourself about: Are you afraid he's cheating or are you hoping he's cheating?

 

That will tell you a lot about where you are coming from and what you might need to do.

 

A marriage destroyed is good for none of the family. It will *never* be ok later or some year, no matter what the books or magazine articles or your best friends tell you.

 

A healed marriage is good for everyone, from the couple to their children to their great-great-grandchildren to their community to their nation. Everyone reaps good benefit from a healed marriage.

 

I pray for you that you can find the strength and wisdom and grace to walk toward a healed, restored marriage.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would also add, that if you should find out he cheated (I'm not saying I think he is) and you are still willing to try to salvage your marriage, it can be done. I've seen it happen. It is a very tough road to walk, but with God's grace your marriage can be healed. And your decision to stay with him is nobody else's business!

 

And as long as we are recommending books, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Shlesinger is a good read.

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Helen, I have two books to recommend to you. Five Love Languages by Harry Chapman, but the most important is Divorce Remedy by Michelle Wiener-Davis.

 

Please check them out. I can not tell you how many marriages they have saved in my personal life alone. (friends, family, coworkers, doctors. I buy dozens of them and have had so many people tell me how it changed their life. This woman is truly blessed in her line of work.)

 

There is a great website that goes along with the DR book. It's www.divorcebusting.com Great group of people, very kind and loving community.

 

The reason it works is that it helps you work on yourself. It helps you to "get a life" as they say. Believe me, it works.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

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