Leah Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 From the shout box - [Kevin B 123] * Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? * They're making headlines! [Leah] Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. [Kevin B 123] * What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? * A tuba toothpaste. [Leah] How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch [Kevin B 123] * What do clouds wear under their clothes? * Thunderware. [Kevin B 123] * What does a cat sleep on? A caterpillow. [Leah] What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss [Kevin B 123] * What is hail? Hard-boiled rain. [Kevin B 123] * What's the strongest bird? A crane. [Leah] What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween? Twick or Tweet [Kevin B 123] * What insect is good at math? - An account-ant. [Leah] What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula [Leah] What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter? Pumpkin Pi [Kevin B 123] * What wobbles as it flies? * A jello-copter. [stephanie] Wait!! I can't read them fast enough, y'all got to put these in a thread, my boys will love them...Call them one liners or something! [stephanie] I only know one....are you ready?? are you really ready??/ [stephanie] What did the boy firefly say to the girl firefly??? [Kevin B 123] sure Sure, [Leah] Ok-ay-ay [stephanie] You glow girl!!! [stephanie] [Leah] \ [Kevin B 123] l o l, Stephanie- - - Link to comment
Kevin B 123 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 What insect is good at math? An account-ant. Link to comment
Kevin B 123 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 How do French poodles greet each other? Bone-jour. Link to comment
Leah Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 Earlier ones were - Why didn't Dracula get married? He never met a nice Ghoul What kind of dog does Dracula have? A Bloodhound What do you call two witches living together? Broommates. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? Give him screws. Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club. Link to comment
Leah Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 Kevin B 123] * Why do pigs make good spies? -- They're excellent at going in-hog-nito. [Kevin B 123] * What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a plate? A tyrannoSAUCER. [Leah] What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos [Kevin B 123] * What do you call a judge with no thumbs? - - Justice Fingers. [Leah] What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap! [Kevin B 123] What did God say to the man on the moon? - -Kneel Armstrong! [Kevin B 123] What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison! [Leah] What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Booties! [Kevin B 123] Where did the little king keep his armies?- - Up his sleevies! [Leah] What did the skeleton say while riding his motorcycle? I'm bone to be wild! [Kevin B 123] Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? - - Who could blame her, she had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball! How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat. [Kevin B 123] Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? - - Fo Drizzle [Leah] Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? They would only let him be the bat boy. Link to comment
Leah Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 [Kevin B 123] What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider? - -A hairnet. [Kevin B 123] Why don't ducks carry spare change? - - - - They all have "bills". [Leah] What kind of makeup do goblins wear? mas-scare-a [Kevin B 123] What did one frog say to the other? = = Time sure IS fun when you're having flies. [Kevin B 123] What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? ANSWER: Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog. [Leah] What do ghosts drink at breakfast? Coffee with scream and sugar. [Kevin B 123] Why did the one handed man cross the road?? ANSWER: cause the second hand store was across the street. [Leah] What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost-Toasties [Leah] I think I'm getting hungry. [Leah] How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. [Kevin B 123] Why do people wear perfume and cologne to church? ANSWER: Because they sit on pews. [Leah] What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray [Kevin B 123] Why do cowboys ride horses? ANSWER: Because they are too heavy to carry. [Kevin B 123] If April showers bring may flowers, then what do May flowers bring? - -: Pilgrims [Kevin B 123] Why did the turtle cross the street? - - To get to the Shell station!! [Leah] Turtle wax? Kevin B 123] What does a car say when its time to go??? Let's motor-vate! [Kevin B 123] Why do seagulls fly over the ocean rather than the bay? - : Because then they would be bay-gulls (bagels)! Link to comment
Leah Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 [Kevin B 123] Why is a bad joke like a poor pencil? Because it has no point. [Leah] Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea [Kevin B 123] What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk [Kevin B 123] Where do baby cows eat? The calf-eteria. [Leah] What does a ghost eat for lunch? A BOO-logna sandwich [Leah] What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spookgetti [Kevin B 123] A sandwich and a banana walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "Bartender, get us each a beer!" The bartender turns to them and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here." [Kevin B 123] What did the wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs. [Kevin B 123] What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! [Kevin B 123] How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little Boogie in it!! [Leah] What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid!!! [Cat] Why did the possum cross the road? No one knows... he never made it... [Kevin B 123] How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little Boogie in it!! [Kevin B 123] What is it called when a person sings in the shower? Answer: A SOAP OPERA!!! [Leah] What song does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine" [Kevin B 123] What did the Hippie say when they cut off his pony-tail? "It won't be long now" [Kevin B 123] What kind of nurse would fall in love with a rich patient? Answer: A practical nurse. [Leah] What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hobblin' Goblin [Kevin B 123] What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? - - - l o l- - - -: Time to buy a new fence. [Leah] What can't you give the headless horseman? A headache [Cat] When is it time to go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth-hurtie) Link to comment
HSmom Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Quote: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula Ya hear that, Darlene? BEWARE!!! Quote: Why did the possum cross the road? No one knows... he never made it... So sad, but so true! Link to comment
Crazy4Canning Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 SO did one of you rob a 7 year old of his joke book? Seriously...these get mighty old if you teach elementary school. Imagine having to LAUGH at each and every one of these...as GROUPS of kids are learning to read and develop their sense of humor...as a good teacher and developer of childrens' minds and characters, you know you MUST laugh as each child tells you these OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again...almost makes me believe in purgatory.. Okay, I'll admit, I did giggle at a few...and added some to my arsenal. Link to comment
JCK88 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 LOL Crazy4Canning....reminded me of the old elephant jokes. My brother and I drove our parents nuts with those..and worse...I still remember those jokes! ARRRGh Link to comment
Leah Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 Actually, she asked us to put them here for her kids... Do you think she knows what she's getting into? Some others that were in the shout box. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers Where do spooks water ski? On Lake Erie What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist? He was repossessed Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You look boo-tiful tonight Link to comment
Crazy4Canning Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I do believe it... Link to comment
Leah Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 [Kevin B 123] Happy Halloween, i think I'll have a cup of coffee with SCREAM [Kevin B 123] I think I'll make me some BOO berry muffins...... [Leah] What does a ghost put on his cereal in the morning? Boonanas and Booberries [Leah] I'm being bad... I'm eating a Rice Krispie skull for breakfast! [Kevin B 123] l o l---- [Kevin B 123] just to get in the mood 4 halloween, I scared myself by looking in the mirror! [Leah] Before you brushed your hair!?! [Leah] Bed-head, it'll do it every time! [Kevin B 123] l o l, yep [Leah] [Leah] What is a ghost's favorite party game? Hide-and-go-shriek [Kevin B 123] lol [Kevin B 123] what do you call a pumpkin that works out in the gym? a Jock-O-lantern [Leah] Where do most goblins live? North and South Scarolina [Kevin B 123] which halloween personality weighs the most ? A Skell-a-TON [Kevin B 123] Trick R treat, smell my feet give me something SOUR to eat [Leah] I forgive you :tongue: [Leah] Oh heck! I thought it stuck it's tongue out at you... [Leah] Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building. [Kevin B 123] lol [Kevin B 123] he he he [Leah] When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone [Kevin B 123] What a sure sign of FALL? when we all see the talking skull... [Leah] Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. Link to comment
Stephanie Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 My five yr old keeps asking everyone...."What do ghosts have for lunch....and then he collapses laughing before he can get out.... Boooologna Sandwiches! He think that is the funniest thing he ever heard. Link to comment
HSmom Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 *sigh* Five-year-olds! Wouldn't you love to be one again?!? No worries and farts are the funniest thing you've ever heard of. Link to comment
Leah Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 Thanksgiving is coming... What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving. Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside What are unhappy cranberries called? Blueberries! Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks Link to comment
Leah Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 How much did the Mayflower weigh? A Puri-TON [Leah] What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock [Kevin B 123] What do you get if you cross a cat and A turkey ? a TURKEYpLATERpUSS [Leah] If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed! [Cat] Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off... [Cat] What key has legs and can't open doors? A TurKEY [Cat] What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! [Cat] What ship did the Pilgrim's cows come over on? The MOOOOflower! Link to comment
OldMaineBear Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 I'll print these out and send them to my cousin in Hollywood. Cousin Fozzy Bear. Link to comment
Leah Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Where did the first corn come from? The stalk brought it. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape. Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language. How did the Mayflower show that it liked America? It hugged the shore. -- and a joke I can't resist posting... The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day? Link to comment
ol'momma Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 where are the Christmas one-liners....??? Link to comment
Leah Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 What is Santa’s dog called? Santa Paws! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws! What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move? Santa Pause! What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective? Santa Clues! What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy claws! What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit? Crisp Kringle! What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic! ---- What do you call an old snowman? Water! Where do snowmen go to dance? A snow ball! What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted flakes! Link to comment
Leah Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas? He got 12 months! Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy! Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low elf-esteem. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? Neither, candles always burn shorter! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas? A merry Christmas to ewe! What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells! Link to comment
Leah Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 [Leah] We have had requests for more Christmas jokes... [Kevin B 123] OK [Kevin B 123] How does Santa Pay for all thoses gifts ? he tells congress he is AIG..... [Leah] What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple! [Kevin B 123] lol [Leah] Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?' [Kevin B 123] What do you get if you feed Santo to many Jelly Beans ? J E L L HO ho ho [Leah] What do you call a snowman on rollerblades? A snow mobile [Leah] The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, 'Did you get my drift?' [Kevin B 123] What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime? Merry Christmas to ewe! [Leah] Lol [Kevin B 123] What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime? A "pointsetter"! [Kevin B 123] What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime? Season's Bleatings! [Leah] What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia [Kevin B 123] How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad! [Kevin B 123] What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner? Your teeth! [Leah] ha ha ha [Leah] Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. [Kevin B 123] Why should Christmas dinner always be well done? So you can say "Merry Crispness"! - This is a longer one - One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. 'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!' Link to comment
Leah Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 [Kevin B 123] Knock Knock. Who's there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open 'til Christmas! [Kevin B 123] What do angry mice send to each other in December? Cross mouse cards! [Leah] What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite! [Kevin B 123] What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"! [Kevin B 123] Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?" "No, I wouldn't know how to feed them." [Leah] What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you. [Kevin B 123] What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii? "O Tanning Palms"! [Leah] What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow! [Kevin B 123] What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way! [Leah] Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.' 'Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.' [Kevin B 123] What's the favorite Christmas Carol of new parents? Silent Night! [Kevin B 123] Where do mistletoe go to become famous? "Holly" wood! [Leah] What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman?She gave him the cold shoulder. [Kevin B 123] A Christmas thought: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. [Leah] Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks? Link to comment
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