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One liners for Stephanie


Leah

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[Kevin B 123] Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping!

[Kevin B 123] Twelve Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered

[Kevin B 123] Six feathered balls, Five milk jug rings, Four munchy house plants, Three running rabbits, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

[Cat] **aHEM...**

[Kevin B 123] lol, oh i did not see you

[Leah] OOP run!!! The cat's here!!!!

[Cat] And what did said cat give back? One wet hairball...

[Kevin B 123] How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

[Kevin B 123] Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.

[Leah] I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time and the kids all gave me cards and presents. Now I'm thinking, "Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me." I opened the cards when I got home. On the inside of one card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it."

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[Kevin B 123] Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet!

[Kevin B 123] Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe!

[Cat] I posted a mugging for ya...

[Leah] We put them under one liners for Stephanie.

[Kevin B 123] Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

[Leah] What does one snowman have the other wants to steal... The scarf, do you think?

[Cat] I think he's looking for COLD CASH...

[Kevin B 123] Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

[Leah] Ouch!

[Kevin B 123] Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

[Kevin B 123] Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Cringle.

[Kevin B 123] Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

[Kevin B 123] Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

[Leah] I think you ran me out of Christmas jokes!!! must find more...

 

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Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ? A: Because it's too far to walk.

How long should a reindeer's legs be ? Just long enough to reach the ground !

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As goofy George had a habit of giving his wife strange Christmas gifts, she was not surprised when he came one night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb was a shotgun shell.

"All right, George," said his wife, truly stumped this time. "What is it?"

"Why, honey." George smiled, "it's a cartridge in a bare tree."

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One Christmas Eve Santa Claus decided to give his reindeer a vacation. In their place, he got eight monkeys to pull the sleigh. The names of the monkeys were Do, Re, Fa, So, La, Ti, and Do.

"What about Mi?" All right, you can pull the sleigh, too!

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Woman: Excuse me, do you have a kitten for my little girl? Assistant: Sorry, madam, we don't do swaps. Woman: I mean, have you got any kittens going cheap? Assistant: Certainly not! They all go meow!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I'll never part with it !

If there were 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be? The twelf

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

What do you call Santa with no money? St. Nickel-less

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In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar."

 

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  • 1 month later...

Valentine jokes... :wub:

 

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!

What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did one light bulb say to the other? I love you a whole watt!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton!

:wub:

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? I'm sweet on you!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses!

What did one pickle say to the other? You mean a great dill to me.

What did the bat say to his girlfriend? You're fun to hang around with.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Edited by Leah
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:wub:

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand

What did the valentine card say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places!

What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day? Owl be yours!

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

:wub: What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day? I'm nuts about you!

What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day?You're nuts so bad yourself!

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day? I Love Ewe!

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Better get the last ones on... :wub:

Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.

What did the letter say to the stamp? You send me.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? I'm stuck on you!

What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Received a request for bad St. Patrick's Day jokes...

Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.

 

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: Because he could not afford plane fare.

 

Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A: A Jolly Green Giant

 

Q: What is out in the yard all summer and is Irish? A: Paddy O'Furniture

 

Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing green

 

Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe? A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!

 

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? A: He gets wet!

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A: A sham rock

 

Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A: A sham rock

 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to water to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

 

Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner? He was a short order cook!

 

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? He took a shortcut!

 

What kind of bow can't be tied? A rainbow.

 

#Knock, Knock #Who's There? #Irish #Irish Who? #IRISH you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

 

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short.

 

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture!

 

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? A:St. O'Claus!

 

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish? A:Sure, they're green with envy!

 

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

 

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? A:To keep from falling in the stew!

 

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

 

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? A:He took a shortcut!

 

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? A:Short ribs!

 

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? A:Because they're very short-tempered!

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Q. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover? A. A rash of good luck!

Q. What's big and purple and lies next to Ireland? A. Grape Britain!

Q. Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? A. you never want to press your luck!

Why did the leprechaun go to college?

Q. How did the leprechaun know to look both ways when crossing the street? A.The chicken told him to.

---

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  • 2 months later...

What do you give a snake with allergies? Anti-hiss-tamines.

What kind of phone does a turtle have? A shell-ular phone.

What did the macaroni say to the tomato? Don't get saucy with me.

What's more dangerous than pulling out a shark's tooth? Giving a porcupine a back rub.

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Why was the turtle shy? He wouldn't come out of his shell.

How do small people travel? In a mini-van.

What do bees use to cut wood? Buzz saws

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  • 1 month later...

Moe: You made great corn on the cob. Joe: Aw, shucks

 

Did you hear the one about the skunk who made big contributions to the church? It was given its own pew.

 

Max at the therapist’s - Max: Doc, sometimes I think I’m an old goat. Therapist: How long have you thought that? Max: Since I was a kid.

 

Omar: Lazy Louis, why are you taking a ruler to bed with you? Lazy Louis: I want to see how long I sleep.

 

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist’s showcase. “If I had to have false teeth, mother, I’d take that pair,” said the small boy, pointing. “Hush, Timmy,” the mother said quickly, shaking his arm. “Haven’t I told you it’s bad manners to pick your teeth in public?”

 

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

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8265-007-06-1072.gif4th of July is coming!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog? Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The Fodder of Our Country!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic? To get to the other tide!

 

What did King George think of the American colonists? He thought they were revolting!

What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty? "Keep in torch!"

What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage? The Liberty Bellhop!

 

Why were the early American settlers like ants? Because they lived in colonies.

What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects? Mt. Vermin!

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster? John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? Beneduck Arnold!

 

What did a patriot put on his dry skin? Revo-lotion!

What would you get if you crossed a dog with the Father of Our Country? George Washingtongue!

What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!

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Four cynics are having dinner at a restaurant. The waitress comes to their table and asks, "Is anything all right?"

 

Hello, is this the receptionist at the mental hospital? Yes, it is. Can I speak to Maurice in Room 327?

I'm sorry, sir, but nobody seems to be answering the phone in that room. Great! That means I really did escape!

 

First doctor: Did you give a speech at the Surgeons Conference? Second doctor: Yes, and afterward, they gave me a big hand.

First doctor: That's wonderful! What did you do then? Second doctor: I crammed it into my briefcase and carried it home.

 

Shirl: I just saw your dog chasing a man on a bicycle. Pearl: Nonsense, my dog doesn't know how to ride a bicycle!

Why was the calendar so sad? Because it knew it's days were numbered.

How can you tell a girl moose from a boy moose? From it's moostache.

How can you help a sick bird? Give it first aid tweetment.

 

What do you call a crate full of ducks? A box of quackers!

What kind of fur do you get from a bull? As fur as you can get!

Does your shirt have holes in it? No, then how do you put it on?

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  • 3 weeks later...

What do you do if an elephant charges you? Pay him!

How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away his credit card.

How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck!

What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team.

 

When does a cart come before a horse? In the dictionary.

What is the center of gravity? The letter "V"!

What has four eyes but can't see? Mississippi

What occurs once in a minute, twice in moment and never in a day? The letter "M".

Why did the girl turn in her math book? It had too many problems.

 

Game Warden: Don't you know you can't fish without a permit? Boy: That's okay. I'm doing just fine with worms.

What did one tonsil say to the other? Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out.

What goes "putt, putt, putt, putt"? A bad golfer.

Why did the soccer team bring string to the game? So they could tie the game.

What kind of frog can jump higher than a telephone pole? Any kind... telephone poles can't jump.

 

 

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Um.... Stephanie?

You may NOT want the kids to read this one...

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An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

 

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

 

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. machine-smiley-5068.gif

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. kaos-animal-cow-smiley-6127.gif

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? animal-smiley-4902.gif

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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  • 2 months later...

Halloween, again...

 

What does a short-sighted ghost have? C7.gif Spooktacles!

Why is Dracula so unpopular? icon_lol.gif He's a pain in the neck!

Who did Frankenstein's monster take to the dance?icon_biggrin.gif His ghoulfriend!

What do you call an angry monster? folder_new_hot.gif Sir!

What do you call a vampire who's always feeling peckish? i_ff_halloween.gif Snackula!

Why did the skeleton go to the party? bullet_pumpkin-sm.jpg For a rattlin' good time!

How do monsters count to 13? pumpkinpuz1.gif On their fingers!

-

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Thumping...

Thumping who?

------------

Jokes courtesy of - http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/Halloween...box%20notes.pdf

Edited by Leah
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  • 3 months later...

OOPS! Sorry about forgetting this thread, life's been busy.

********************************************

Did you hear the one about the cowboy who was made out of paper? He was arrested for rustling.

 

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy who swallowed ten quarters doing? Nurse: No change yet.

 

Did you hear the one about the dentist and manicurist who got into an argument? They fought tooth and nail.

 

Did you hear the one about the two silkworms who had a race? It ended in a tie.

 

Moe: Why did you put away your broken pencil? Joe: Because trying to write with it would be pointless.

 

Did you hear about the doctor who botched a kidnapping attempt? No one could read his ransom note.

 

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it? Darkness.

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Willie: My grandfather is really old.

Lilly: How old is he?

Willie: He's so old that when he was a kid rainbows were in black-and-white.

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Alfonso: Doc, I cut off all ten of my fingers with an electric saw! Can you reattach them?

Doctor: Sure, because of modern microsurgery I can reattach them right now. But why didn't you bring them with you?

Alfonso: I couldn't pick them up!

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R.J.: I'm so excited because we're going to my grandma's tonight for dinner.

T.J.: Does she make a tasty ham or turkey?

R.J.: Neither, she owns a McDonald's!

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Son told me this one today

 

youtube, twitter, facebook are merging they are going to call it

you twit face.

 

ok that's not so nice.

 

Fedex and ups are merging its going to be

fedup

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