being fatherless... maybe its not all bad right? (sorry long rant)

[michelle]

Sorry if this is not something some want to read but I needed to vent somewhere.

 

There have been a lot of posts I've seen lately about everyone's dearly beloved fathers. I've read two today alone talking about their dad's and how much they love them and miss/will miss them later. I don't have a father. When I was little I did and was a big daddy's girl. When I was 12 he got messed up on drugs and spent the next few years causing disaster in our family and numerous times trying to harm or kill me or my mother. It was a long hard time in my life. I didn't speak to him for years. I finally (from guilt) started talking to him again and trying to patch things up although he refused to admit he had a problem, get any help, or even apologize for the things he did to me (since he probably doesn't remember them happening). When I was trying to work things out I found out some family secrets about him that are beyond all imagination and I quit having anything to do with him. He showed up when I had my son and gave me panic attacks just being around. Luckily he eventually left and I haven't heard from him since although he tells my sis he wants to talk to me. (He thinks I'm still out of state from our move and we haven't bothered to tell him differently) I won't ever have anything to do with him again because of the sordid things he's done and its for my children's sakes and mine since I can't function when he's around. It gives me massive anxiety attacks and I've had to go into the hospital before at 17 because of it. I know this won't change and I've spent a lot of time in prayer about it but its still hard to accept sometimes.

 

I miss having a dad and know that all those things girls with dad's have aren't possible. My wedding was a private ceremony (just me, dh, and the preacher and his wife) b/c I didn't have a dad to walk me down the aisle and didn't want to hear the family fights over me not letting him do it. All little girls dream of that and I couldn't have it. I don't have a dad now and my kids don't have a grandfather at all, except dh's stepdad. Dh's dad died when he was 11 and all our grandfathers have passed on. My mother's alone and I know she's lonely and still hurting from getting divorced although its been years and it was for good reason she never wanted that and didn't expect it after 20yrs of marriage and 3 kids. My brother hasn't even spoken to him since he was 5!! The poor child has never had a dad or a man in his life although my dh tries to spend time with him now. My sis is ok and does still speak to the unspeakable right now although I think its only b/c she loves our grandmother and knows she'd disown her if she didn't talk to him. How sad that is. I feel like I've made a lot of progress over the years with dealing with what happened and most the time I'm fine but today... I don't know its just hard sometimes. Its not the abuse that really is bothering me but having something/someone taken away without choice is hard. I wish sometimes that I had a dad but I know that'll never happen. Even if my mom ever gets remarried I'm too old now to have another dad. I'm sorry I'm just having a bad day I guess but I needed to vent. I just don't know what to think some days.

 

 

[lunamother]

((((((((((MICHELLE))))))))))

[ol'momma]

:Bighug: Michelle.

I can relate to a small degree. My relationship with my own father is rocky. How do you hate someone you love, and love someone you hate??

[michelle]

That about says it... He's the only person on earth I'd ever say I actually hate. As harsh a word as it is its true. I can't believe that at times I feel like I still love the same person I hate even after all the horrible unthinkable things he's done in my life. Its insane.

 

[ol'momma]

Ditto that.... Sometimes I find it very hard to forgive myself for feeling the way I do. I doubt I'll ever really get a handle on it.

[Stephanie]

Take heart Michelle,

 

When I was your age I was determined to start the D.A.D.D. (Daughters Against Deadbeat Dads).

 

My birth dad stepped out of my life when I was 5, my step-dad raised us and then horribly betrayed our family. My grandpa was the closest thing to a real daddy that I had and he died when I was newly married. So, I was, like you never feeling like I had that daddy/daughter relationship.

 

BUT, time passes and things change. For one thing I have a pleasant relationship with my birth dad. My mom remarried and I have a pleasant relatinship with my new step-dad. And that's all good, however there's something better.

 

I can have a daddy/daughter relationship with my Heavenly Father. He says He will be Father to the Fatherless! One of the many names used for Him is Abba, and it is an intimate term best translated as "Daddy" and guess what sweetheart, He wants You to be His Daddy's Girl.

 

[michelle]

I know and I pray a lot about it when I'm feeling down over it. My mother thinks I need to get therapy for it. I've had therapy a lot over the years for it but don't know if its really done any good. She seems to think I need it since I react so badly to him. Its like he makes me feel like a helpless child when he comes around even though I'm no longer that little girl he beat and abused. I just don't know what to think about it. I know the relationship with him will never be repaired since he can't change the evil in his heart and mind. I can't subject my kids to it. Its just sad when I realize that it'll never change. There's no way to take back all the harm done and even praying although it helps can't erase the horrid memories. I'm glad I'm able to sleep at night some now though and can be around people without jumping or having anxiety attacks. I still fight it but some days its just sooo hard.

[ol'momma]

Days like that are when I thank God for sending my my loving and understanding hubby, my brother who shared so much and understands, my dear friends who accept me anyway and my lovely children who need me.

 

Point being: When it gets to be more then you can bare...count your blessings.

[Momo]

Michelle I understand how you feel. If only once in my life my father could have touched or hugged me, said I was special or cute or anything positive. It never happened and now it's too late. He wanted nothing to do with my wedding either, so we went to the courthouse. It was just me, DH, and 2 witnesses who were waiting on a trial to start. He never touched or interacted with my son either. He had some serious problems. It hurts no matter how old you get. I know he really hurt himself the most but it still hurts. He's dead 10 years now but it still hurts. You just have to learn to deal with it. Look at the good things in your life and try not to dwell on the bad. I don't say to forget the bad, just don't let it poison your life. I think an occasional "rant" like you just had is healthy!

[JCK88]

{{{Michelle}}}}

 

You know, I miss my dad terribly. I was lucky. He was cool. But there's a huge hole in my life so I have adopted a cool dude at the nursing home where my mother is. I stop and see him every time I go see mom. My daughter and hubby say howdy to him too. Turns out his family lives far away and he wasn't getting any visitors and our adoption of him has improved his mood and his health.

 

There are wonderful people out there who are lonely, never had a daugther, or whose daughter doesn't care about them. I'd go seek one of these people out and adopt them as a surrogate grandpa. If you need a more active grandpa, check the senior center in your area. There are people who act as grandparents for kids who don't have one...and who knows, it might be fun for the family.

 

Meanwhile, nothing wrong with voicing how you feel. It helps! Remember how much your kids love you. Make your family the one you always wished your growing up one was....

 

Hugs to you, sweetie. Hang in there. God bless.

[Stephanie]

((((Kitty))) Bless your heart too.

 

 

 

[Stephanie]

Well, one thing about it Michelle, you can certainly see that you're not alone in struggles with a Father/daughter relationship.

 

[michelle]

Thanks everyone. The kind words here are great. I feel much better now after an early nap today. I saw the post about losing dad in Streams and it just hit me hard for some reason today. I know I can't change it. I tried to get him to get help and offered to go with him to therapy, AA, NA, whatever but he refuses. I went hoping he would follow but of course he didn't. I can't heal his sick mind. I know I'm still lucky. I have a wonderful mom and I'm just glad she and my little brother and sister made it through the years safely. For a long time I feared whether we'd all stay alive or not. It was rough and I dealt with most of it to save them from it. My husband is great and supports me wonderfully... since I finally told him everything that happened 4 yrs into our relationship . I have adorable children that as of now have had a good life and have a wonderful daddy. I'm grateful for that. I can take on anything my self but don't want my loved ones to feel any pain. I guess thats why I came here to vent today. I don't like to let any of my family feel any pain so I try to protect them from it. Sometimes it hard trying to be the protector when you don't let anyone protect you. I'm feeling much better now but really do appreciate the responses here. I didn't really expect any. Just had to get it off my chest ya know? Thanks so much girls. There's always someone here that will make my day better.

(((((((all of you)))))))

[dogmom4]

(((Michelle)))

[mommato3boys]

Michelle...Hey Stephanie maybe we can join your DADD society.

 

My father died one month before I turned 15. To this day I do not miss him as a person. I miss having a daddy (although he was never a daddy to me). My father was an abusive alcoholic and to this day I don't understand why my mother stayed with him. My sister and mother talk about what a wonderful man he was well that wonderful man was not the father I had. I remember hiding in my closet and crawling under my bed because I could hear him beating my mother.

 

I struggle in my relationship to with my heavenly father because I am not a trusting person.

 

Go ahead sweetie vent away I totally understand and I will cry with you then we will dry our tears and have a cup of banana nut cappuccino

[michelle]

Thanks! I'm sorry for what you went through mt3b. I remember those nights when he'd hold my mother hostage or hold a knife to her throat. I'd have to lock my brother and sister in my room and go fight him to get him off her. I'd find my sister hiding behind the couch balled up and crying. The poor girl was terrified. I should have been but I was too mad to let fear even register. I'm still that way to this day. Once you get me really mad I don't think to be afraid of anyone or anything. I know it comes from fighting him all those years. My mom stayed with my dad for a long time trying to work through it and I was glad when she finally divorced him. It was hard to deal with. All the nights of fighting and fear, sleeping with a knife under my pillow in my hand just in case I had to jump up and fight him. Hiding a spare cell in my rm so we could call the cops after he broke the phones one night and we couldn't. It was rough. I know God had his hand on me helping me through it though. The worst it ever got was one Christmas Eve and he broke/tossed all the phones in the house. It was a horrible wretched fight that night and I couldn't call the cops and I couldn't leave to get help. The cops happened to show up! They saved us that night because at the rate it was going my father or I one would probably have died that night. After the cops got him and finally left I went to sit down and cry the song "Independence Day" by Martina McBride was playing on the radio I'd left going in my room that night. It still makes me cry to this day when I hear that song. I hate to hear that other people have gone through stuff like this but sometimes it helps to know that someone understands. I too struggle with my relationship with the Father because I'm so untrusting of people and I feel like I'm very unforgiving and resentful sometimes. I'm trying to work on this though. I even held off on being baptised because I felt I couldn't be completely faithful if I couldn't even follow the 10 commandments and "honor your mother and father". How do I honor someone who tried to kill me and admitted to wishing me dead? Its still a struggle sometimes but its not something I deal with or think about a lot now so I know I'm starting to heal some. I just keep praying.

[HSmom]

Michelle *sigh* I don't know if you're ready to hear this or not. If you aren't ready, this will anger you. If that's the case, you have my sincere apologies. If you ARE ready, this will make you nauseous to start, but in time, it will bring you freedom.

 

You won't be free until you forgive him.

 

I KNOW what a difficult thing I am suggesting...because I've been there. But I also know what freedom there is in being on the other side of forgiveness. It is very unlikely that you in your tiny human self will be able to offer your earthly father forgiveness. But if you allow your Heavenly Father to share some of His forgiveness with you, you can forgive your dad.

 

I do NOT mean that you have to tell your dad that you forgive him. I didn't. But, in your heart, you have to let go of the righteous anger, the fear, the desire for him to admit his wrongs, and even the loneliness.

 

Through God's grace, you can do this difficult thing.

 

And when you have, you will find that your emotions are no longer owned by what happened TO you. Your emotions will be your own.

 

This may not be something that you can do today. You may not even be able to do it this year, but if you aren't ready, I hope you will remember this later, when you are.

[michelle]

Thanks HSMom. I know this but its not something I've accomplished yet. I know I'm getting better because I don't usually react to it. It use to bother me on a daily basis now I don't even think about any of it except on occasion. If he is brought up now for some reason I'm not mad and usually don't even get upset. I know I'm improving but I also know I have a lot further to go. I'm working on it and a lot of prayer is helping.

[SueC]

 

And that prayer just got multiplied as you shared with your sisters ...

[MomM]

(((Michelle)))

[Stephanie]

Michelle and all,

 

I'm 45 years old and just now coming to a point of true healing myself. I didn't face the atrocities that many of you did, but more of an abandonment issue.

 

Emotional healing is a journey, but as HSMom pointed out, the first step is forgiveness.

 

My big mistake was thinking that forgiveness was measured by emotions. A lot of people think that love is measured by emotions. I don't agree. Forgiveness is a choice.

 

I finally came to that point about a year and a half ago. I felt convicted that I still had 'aught' against my birthdad. I also came to the realization that he was never going to fully accept the responsibility for his own actions.

 

That's what really bugged me, I just wanted him to say, "I'm sorry, I was selfish, I had my priorities mixed up, I regret it." Something, anything to express remorse.

 

Now, I will never have that 'daughter/daddy' relationship with him. But, I have a pleasant relationship with him and have learned to enjoy him to a degree.

 

Some of you will never have any kind of relationship with the abusive man in your past. I don't even know how you bear to call them your father/dad, etc... Shame on them, that's all I can say.

 

But, you can still set yourself free from the chains that they have tried to wrap you up in. They hurt you in the past, don't let the continue to do so. You deserve better than that.

 

[michelle]

I don't call him my dad or daddy.. I use the word 'father'. Thats what he is. The biological 'father' that helped produce me. He's not my dad or daddy because I think of that as more of an intimate term for a loved one. I finally started using that term again for a long time I just called him by his given name. I did try to forgive him and have a relationship with him again but it was over the phone when he was states away. Worked alright until he tried to come see me and I started having anxiety attacks again. Thats when I realized I wasn't healing.

 

Its a process and I'm working on it.

[Stephanie]

I think you're doing great with it Michelle and you're right, it is a process.

 

 

[Crazy4Canning]

Michelle,

 

I send you hugs. I really can't speak to your exact situation, for I've not experienced that kind of abuse.

 

I can second the love and encouragement the ladies have given and keep you in my prayers.

 

[HSmom]

Bless you, Michelle!