being fatherless... maybe its not all bad right? (sorry long rant)

[Becca_Anne]

Michelle I just want to give you a Relationships with parents can be so complicated and painful. I hope you can find peace!

[Deerslayer]

I've been thinking a lot about this thread. I read it and read it and I don't know what to say.

My dad is great--he is still wrapped very tightly around my little finger, so I can't relate to this.

BUT I can relate through my 1st husband. He is an alcoholic. I told him I would leave with the three kids if he didn't quit drinking...the next day he came home drunk. So I packed up and left--didn't hear from him or see him again for 15 years. Then he walked up to me and my sons high school graduation. I was stunned. My kids didn't even know who he was. I told him he could stay as long as there was no drinking and he made it through the whole weekend. Then he left and we didn't hear from him again for 2 more years, then he drives down the driveway for dd's graduation. Same thing--he made it the whole weekend. There were no empty rooms in town that weekend, so he ended up staying here at our house.

I have had MANY conversations with the kids about this. They don't know what to think. They don't remember him and he promises all kinds of stuff but doesn't deliver. They understand that it is the drinking.

My children were adopted by my husband 15 years ago--he is their daddy--and they couldn't ask for a better one.

They tell me they feel torn--like they are supposed to feel a certain way about him, but they both have a hard time figureing out what that thing is. The certainly can't voice it. my oldest daughter will not talk to him or speak about him at all. She says she is removing negative people from her life--that she doesn't have enough energy to deal with negative people. I guess that is her way.

my ds and youngest dd don't know what to think about him popping in and out of their lives. My dd was talking about it tonight. She says she guesses she is just going to be glad when he pops in and not worry when he pops out. She says she will not ever trust him to do what he says so she won;t be disappointed.

 

I guess I'm rambling...what i wanted you to know Michelle and Kitty is that WHATEVER you feel is normal. dd says she can feel several things all at once; love, hate, sorry, etc

 

Kitty I know you're trouble is over except in your heart so I will pray for that to be kind memories soon.

 

Michelle--I know you're problems are starting up again with the holidays. I know you will be going through all of the emotions at once. I will pray for you. I will also say that all it would take is a pm with your phone number and I can be there in less than 2 hours. To hold you, let you cry on my shoulders, let you vent, run him out, make you laugh, whatever it is that you need.

 

I am not very good at this girlfriend thing, but I am trying.

 

Just remember this little bit of wisdom...

A friend will come and get you out of jail when you get in trouble. A really good friend will be sitting next to you in the jail cell saying I hope we got rid of that shovel where no one can find it and boy wasn't that fun!!!

 

 

[michelle]

Oh deer you're doing wonderful with the girlfriend thing. You just put a smile on my face when I've been in tears all night.

[michelle]

Sounds great... I'm already making a Christmas list to give Santa for my shotgun.

 

 

 

 

 

What is there something wrong with my shotgun getting its own Christmas presents? Well I didn't want it to be left out when the .38 got presents.

[Juli]

(((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))

 

 

[Darlene]

michelle, I'm sorry for your hurt...that is not God's will for you at all.

 

I'm one of those that have been blessed to have a Godly, honorable dad and am still a daddy's girl to this day, but...

 

My children have dealt with a prescription drug addicted father, and their heartbreak has been very deep. I know for me, as the mom, while I'm able to bridge the gap to some extent, I know that I could never take the place that they rightfully deserved with the male presence of their earthly father. Several times, I have taken it before the Lord saying, "there's no way I can do this all by myself (raise them successfully)...You're just going to hafta help me, for their sakes", and as He promises all of us, He's given me His peace and more than bridged the gap over these children. There have been many times when I have interceeded in prayer on behalf of my children, reminding Him of where He says in His Word in Isaiah 54, "All your children will be taught by the Lord and great will be your children's peace." That is the prayer that I've prayed countless times over my children.

 

On the flip side, my dad was raised in a very chaotic family. His biological father was an alcoholic who used to kidnap my dad when he was a small child. Many of these tragic experiences carried through to his adulthood, and after 40 years of searching for his biological dad, he finally found him. I'll never forget how my dad was after he found out he had a slew of half brothers and half sisters (his mom and biological dad had divorced back in the 40's...which was very rare back then, and he had remarried and had many more children). There had been something in my dad's heart that was desperate to find his biological father, and when he finally did, he had a letdown that he hadn't expected. As he looked at the old man, it suddenly dawned on him that he had no memories growing up with him...he had attended none of my dad's baseball games, they had never gone fishing, there were no normal memories and he realized that the man who contributed to my dad's birth was a complete stranger.

 

I remember driving back from northern Florida with my dad and he was visibly stressed as all these emotions were flooding his heart and mind, and it was God who laid on my heart a suggestion that many others have done in their own lives that have contributed to their healing process, and I shared it with my dad.

 

I shared with my dad about how friends of mine who had scars and hurts from past relationship, had sat down and written that person a letter. In that letter, they wrote down all their thoughts and feelings, expressing how they REALLY felt...the betrayals, the hurts, the damage that that person had done to them. Most times, they would destroy the letter when they were finished, but they found a freedom in writing down all those thoughts and feelings that had been held prisoner in their hearts and minds all those years.

 

Later, my dad shared with me how he went down to the ocean. He took a pad of paper and went back as far as he could remember, putting down on paper, his feelings, hurts, all of it. It wasn't written taking anyone into account but himself. He later told me how many times while writing it, he would sob and tears would stream down his face, but once he got everything down on those pages, he re-read the entire letter, prayed over it, and then burned it. There was no reason to mail the letter, the goal was accomplished in him finally laying out, all those things he had kept inside for years. He held nothing back, didn't try to be understanding, didn't try to let go, didn't try to do anything other than be totally honest about how that one person had had such an impact and adverse effect on his life.

 

For the first time in over 60 years, my dad felt free. The healing that needed to take place, God blessed him with, and the monsters that always seemed to be chasing him all those years, were finally faced and laid to rest. There's a saying that goes "All those things that you bury alive, you finally bury dead" is a very true statement and one that I've dealt with over the years with my own hurts.

 

Anyway, as I read this thread, so many people said much of what I would have said, with the exception of "the letter".

 

Maybe pray about that, and perhaps, if it's God will for you, you might find the freedom that is His will for your life, through that particular exercise.

 

((((michelle))))

[MomM]

(((Michelle))) and thank you ladies for all your love and wisdom shown to Michelle. Your love and compassion is what makes MrsS so special. God bless you all!

[michelle]

Thank you Darlene that is a wonderful suggestion and something I haven't really thought about. Actually a therapist suggested it to me a long time ago and at the time it did help but the abuse went on after that and I haven't done it since it was all over. I need to do that. I've been reading and praying here and I am feeling better. I really appreciate all the support I've gotten here. I was very upset when I made this post and just didn't know what to do. I didn't have any to talk to at the moment about it so I just typed it all here. This has been a big help. Thank you all so very very much.

 

[zzelle]

i am so sorry to hear all of that will be praying for you take care

[Jasminegirl]

Praying here. We all are here for you.

[zzelle]

still praying take care we are here for you

[Diegoinfla]

Michelle,

 

As I read your post, I could feel your pain.

 

Although I am a man, I also grew up without a father. My mother and father were divorced when I was 4. My father kidnapped me 3 times and took me way back in the woods. He never gave us 1 cent. My mother had to work two job so we could live. My mother went to school parttime in order to better care for her family. My grandmother raised me and my brother. Growing up I had to fight to and from school. Divorce was something to be ashamed of. Mothers wouldn't let their kids play with us. So more fighting. Still thruogh all of this we were told by both of our dear mothers, God will make a way.As I read, I thought of Psalms 68:5, God promised to be a father to the fatherless. He has never failed!

I saw my father for the first time when I was 44. When I met him Isaw an old man, with whom "I HAD NOTHING IN COMMON WITH, EXCEPT HIS BLOOD FLOWS THRU MY VEINS." Icouldn't say remember when-, or what about -, Nothing. When he asked about my mother and family, he asked about my uncle, How is he? He is a mean SOB! He was leaning against an oak tree, and I was facing him. I felt the pentup anger and feelings rise until I was red hot. I drew back with my fist and replied, He has always been my favorite, and they say I am just like Him! I saw the fear in his eyes. I saw an old man, who I could anihilate with my bare fists. But, all I could do was say "Lord help!" The anger subsided, and he profusely apoligized over and over. The next time I saw him was 6 months later. My stepmother introduced me to her pastor. We passed pleasantries, and he looked around and asked "are you a Christian?"

I replied, yes. He then said, Sir, I never knew your father(that makes two of us) and I don't know how to preach his funeral. I shared that I understood, and that his message should be to the living. What do you mean, he asked.

I then outlined his message from John 14 and shared what that meant to me. The next day, the church was packed. The pastor aspoke and as we were leaving, several people said I never heared a funeral message like that. To God be the Glory!!! I have five brothers and two sisters, who I had never knew about. One brother asked me, now that you have found the rest of the family, do you regret it? No, we can't go back and right the wrongs, but we can draw a line in the sand and build from today forward.

 

I had to learn to let go of the past and look to the future. So to must you, I know its hard to forget but, God will give you peace as you release the hurts and pains. Let go of all the past. Apriest friend once shared with me IThess 5: 18, "In all things give thanks for this is God's will for you thru Christ Jesus. You might say, but, you don't know what I went through, TRUE, but God does! God is Faithful! In Hebrews 13:5 HJe says I will never leave you nor forsake you. I have lived my life guided by that truth. May God richly bless you as you grow In Him.

[Darlene]

For those who do not know, DiegoinFla is my dad.

 

Love you (((((daddy)))))

[BiscuitMaker]

My parents divorced when I was about 3, I can not remember him at home at all. He did visit us once when I was in the 5th grade and that is the only time I ever saw him. My mother did remarry and I had a step-dad and he was a good person, but the real father was not there. I know that I have a hole in my heart from that experience. However I did not know how big it was until I started to do genealogy. I did not know if he was dead or alive at that time. So I started to do research on that side of the family, my mother gave me the names of his brother and sisters and so I was off on my quest.

I had a friend that lived in New Orleans, everytime I would go there we would go to the French Quarter to eat and shop. I told my friend that everytime I go there I felt like I was home not New Orleans but the French Quarter. I felt like I had walked the streets before it was strange. Well guess were my father died, that's right the French Quarter, he lived there and shipped out there he was a Ship's Captian.

I found him on a trip to do research in NC, I went to a cememtery to look at the headstones of my grand parents and there he was buried next to his mother. Well I broke down and I cried for about an hour before I could pull myself together. I was in a trance for a few weeks, that was all I could think about.

I called the furneral home there and found out were he died and then got the death cert and that is how I know about the French Quarter.

I am still working on that side of the family, and I think it is because I didn't know them. Well I now know them pretty well , I have research on them back to 1732 and I am still working. Somehow it makes me feel close to that side of the family, I know that sounds strange but it does.

But that hole will always be there.

[gramma lois]

Michelle,

 

As I read your post, I could feel your pain.

...

 

I had to learn to let go of the past and look to the future. So to must you, I know its hard to forget but, God will give you peace as you release the hurts and pains. Let go of all the past. Apriest friend once shared with me IThess 5: 18, "In all things give thanks for this is God's will for you thru Christ Jesus. You might say, but, you don't know what I went through, TRUE, but God does! God is Faithful! In Hebrews 13:5 HJe says I will never leave you nor forsake you. I have lived my life guided by that truth. May God richly bless you as you grow In Him.

 

Dear Michelle these are very wise words that I know to be the truth from my own life experience which is so very much like what you have shared. I would just add that it is ok to abhor the behaviour and still love the person. Recovering from the deep wounds inflicted upon me was a long process and it was when I finally stepped out and decided to trust and believe that my Father God is good for His Word that my healing really began. It was then that I knew I was not fatherless and that I have a father who loves me beyond human imagination.

 

It's ok not to have contact if it will harm you and/or your child in any way, shape or form. I seperated myself and my children (when they were very young) from contact with my father who was a very violent and hatefilled man. As a result my children were protected from inevitable negative 'influence' and/or harm being inflicted upon them, as was I. I see the fruit in that decision today. I have twelve siblings who all have several children, and the sad truth is that my children (grown with families of their own now) are the only children in the family who are healthy, wholesome, loving and living good lives. It is primarily because they were protected from the person (my bio father) who infected his children and grandchildren with his abusive behaviours.

 

I never stopped loving my father, only I came to a place where I found 'real' love in the arms of my heavenly Father and learned how to really love my natural father in a way that I could separate him from those 'things' that oppressed him all of his life. So just know that it is ok to love your father, hate his behavours, forgive him, and know that you are not called to forgive his behaviours or the hurt he inflicted, just him. God bless you in your journey with your heavely Father who loves you beyond words.