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Can't take it anymore!


FunkyPioneer

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Ok I am going to go banannas! My MIL has turned in to the worst MIL on the planet! She yelled at me last night, asked me when I am I going to get my tubes tied, why don't I give my eldest child to foster care because he's so dfficult (she was dead serious), Why in the world did I start a business with 6 kids(umm because we needed money and I can do it at home) and she is coming to "inspect" my home this week, :cheeky-smiley-067: To top it off my crazy ex who has tried to kill me who lives two miles down the street just happened to be in home Depot last night and saw me. I hid out in the store until I was sure he was gone and rushed home in tears and shaking. With all this and the stress of DH being out of work, I just don't know what to do anymore. :twister3::soapbox::(:pray:HELP

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Oh, I'm so very sorry! I wish you were nearby... we'd go somewhere quiet and have something chocolatey and/or full of sugar. bighugsad.gif

 

I'm afraid DH would be the one who needs to set MIL straight. :( But if he won't or can't, then you just *might* have to be firm and determined.

 

If my MIL came to "inspect", she would not get into the door. If she insulted my child and me by asking why I didn't "give him/her away", she would not be welcome in my home again, nor would I and the children set foot in hers. I will not allow ANY of my children to be dragged into that kind of environment.

 

I can be sweet, but when it comes to my children, I stand strong and firm. Parents are a child's first line of defense. If DH doesn't do it, I will, with or without him.

 

My brother used to ask my children the same kinds of mean questions he belittled our youngest brother with. His wife called me up while drinking and was abusive (the slights she perceived were in HER mind, and she was too wasted to reason with). As a result, we greatly limited contact with them. Now they wonder why the kids aren't "close" to them. :shakinghead: But I would treat a grandparent the same. Kids have enough problems without wondering why grandma likes sis more than them, or constantly yells at brother.

 

And with the ex, that must've been awful. Do you carry a cell phone for safety? Could you have asked a store employee for security to escort you out? Police to escort you home? :(

 

I'm glad you're ok for tonight. Rest easy and cuddle up with DH. May you sleep peacefully and awaken refreshed...

 

kittyhug4.gif

 

 

 

 

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Aww Cat! Your going to make me cry, Your post just cheered me up. Dh is not home right now and I am feeling extra insecure after seeing my ex yesterday. I was feeling like such a un-Christ-like person for feeling such negative feeling towards her. I kind of have to let her in my home because she owns it, we're renters, but with less rights because we can't afford to pay rent even. NO one will stand up to MIL, they just let her boss around everyone! So its ok to tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine? I found out that I could get a service dog because I am a domestic violence victim thats specifically for protection. MIL says no dogs, but she can't say no to a service dog can she? I don't have a cell phone we had those cut off because theres no money for them. I did'nt have anyone walk me out, I didn't even think that was an option. I will remember that next time I am out. I am almost scared to go out anymore.

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Funky Pioneer, unfortunately I know quite a bit about being a domestic violence/stalking victim. Let me assure you that as long as your cell phone is in working order and charged up you can still call 911 on it. Go ahead and check with your old carrier but, I am certain I am right. One of the things women's shelters ask for is old cell phones so they can be given to homeless women for this reason. I don't believe it requires special programming of the phone or at least it doesn't here. Because the stakes are high (potential harm to you, God rebuke this) go ahead and check with your carrier, just in case. I would be honored to be right about it and have given you happy news.

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Yes, GirlNextDoor is correct as far as I know. You should ask your police department if this is true in your area, or talk to your former carrier.

 

And here's just one link to apply, if you no longer have the old phone: http://www.phones4life.org/apply.html Try looking up "telephones for victims" + (your state or city)

 

And YES... you ALWAYS have the option of asking someone in store security to escort you to your car if you feel unsafe. You are a customer, and if they can't or won't, ask them to call the police to do it, if necessary. Maybe ask them to carry a cell phone in plain sight, ready to call.

 

And I'm sorry... if it's MIL's house, yeah, she has to be let in. :( But do you have to be there? Maybe you could take the kids out and let DH handle the "inspection".

 

I'm not sure if a "service dog" would be a good idea, because if she would kick you out, you have no other options. But definitely check out the emergency phone info.

 

Telling her to "stick it" just *might* be taking it too far, :whistling: but no, in my opinion you don't have to subject your kids to her meanness. If she comes over because it's "her house", well, sorry, the kids and I were going to the park. And GO. Leave Hubby to entertain her. (Isn't it funny how sometimes even the "toughest" guys can't stand up to Mommy?) *Somebody* has to be the adult.

 

You can be firm without being "Un-Christ-like". Even Christ drove the money-changers and vendors out of the temple quite decisively when it violated everything He knew to be holy and good. I doubt He swore at them... ;) But I'm guessing the next time they thought of entering temple space to wheel and deal, they thought it over carefully.

 

Hang in there, and think of the true choices you have. You may have to endure what allows you to live there, but not what harms your children. Think it through...

 

:bighug2:

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I am so very sorry for what you are going through, I'm dealing with MIL issues right now myself. If you don't stand up for your kids this will continue. I agree that when she is coming over to pack yourself and children up and leave. Your husband is the one that has to deal with her, our councelor explained this to my dh but he has let MIL slide lately and she is all in our business again. It is difficult because she owns your house but it is still you and your childrens home and there has to be some sort of boundries there.

 

 

NEVER , EVER be afraid to ask someone to either escort you or call the police for an escort when you are afraid of someone who has assualted you in the past.

 

I believe that it is a federal law that all cell phones, even inactive ones,are still capable of calling 911. I have a couple of old ones around my house if you need one pm me and I will get one to you.

 

I will be praying for you. Stand up for yourself and your children. I know it isn't easy, I have let some things slide now I am going to have to re-set some limits and it's hard but the kids deserve it. Everyone deserves respect and to feel safe.

 

Blessings,

BB

 

 

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IIRC, if your MIL is owner of the house and you are the renter, she has to give you notice before she can come over in her "owner hat". That is, as the owner, she can't just show up and say "surprise inspection!" Though unfortunately, she is within her rights, (I think), to come over and inspect. You might want to check on the renters laws in your area to be sure. She is your MIL, but that doesn't mean that you don't have rights

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I echo what everyone has said - with a big caveat.... out here there was a case a few years ago where someone was sued over 'grandparent's rights'. Now, the parent NEVER refused contact, but it was always in a supervised setting. She has pictures of the swerving car, video of the woman being verbally abusive. When it went to court, the judge left the children with the parents and agreed to 'supervised' visits only, with previous 'permission' and arragements and the grandma had to be clean & sober.

 

 

As a landlord she does have to give you notice - 24 to 72 hours - that is a universal tenant law no matter where you live. If she's letting you stay there free, again, that's her issue. Like others have said, let DH deal with her - she's his mom. You and the kids go somewhere safe.

 

Please don't let her unkind words cause you undo anxiety. Sometimes people thrive on being mean and stirring up trouble where they can. Unfortunately this time, you seem to be the target. Do be strong, be firm, use kind adult words and show your children that you can be respectful to someone who is being rude and mean. You are a living example for them right now. This is where actions speak 1000 words.

 

You're in my prayers.

 

:bighug2::hug3:

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Thank you all. Its a difficult balance to be non-reactive and Christ-like and be a protective mommy and to keep from telling her off. I like the idea about going to the park. You all are also right about the cell phone! Yeay! I'm charging my old one up ad I will keep it with me now! Thank you sisters! You all are such a blessing!

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:bighug2: She has the right to inspect, but you don't have to be there. I am sorry she is being rotten to you, and I agree that limiting contact is the best idea. Just have your DH do all the talking, and take the high road when dealing with her. I would tell her emphatically but calmly that her idea to "foster out" your oldest child is not acceptable and you are going to stand up for your children if she brings it up again.
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Uggh she showed up today unannounced while I was cleaning out the garage, I tried to be nice but didn't say much she left in about 5 minutes. Sigh, I feel like a prisoner in my own home between her and the ex!

 

 

You may have just solved your own problem....."didn't say much"....."she left in about 5 minutes"

 

I do believe that is your answer, if she shows up just ignore her and she will go away. Will she go away happy probably not but if she is going to act ugly then you do not have to be socialable.

 

Hugs sweetie...I have been right there in your shoes except it was a step-mother in law. Lets just say I am not the favorite daughter-in-law. Can you imagine that sweet lit'le ole me not the favorite daughter-in-law :24:

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I 'see' a lot of issues here.

You and hubby need to talk. Have you both talked out the limits to which you are both willing to be 'supervised', by MIL. Be very objective about hubbys verbal and body language during this talk. This is one of those 'know your man' issues, so when it does come to a 'line in the sand'. How committed is he to the family he is married to vs the family he came from.

Now don't forget........he probably is not feeling like a success right about now. This makes his predictable responses....unpredictable from the stress. You have stress also, so be gentle with eachother.

OK, youv'e had the visit. Perhaps MIL was told by 'someone' that you'all were just trashing the place. Your living in a considerable investment, so perhaps she was just worried. It could be a hundred and one reasons; but you lived through the visit and she rode off on her broom.

[Ok, so now you KNOW what NOT to do when you have a DIL......future reference experience].

As wimpy as this sounds, I would not reccomend that you force the 'issue' between you and hubby and MIL. Nobody will be the winner, and everybody will be the loser.

Time will sort things out. If and when the household has income again........offer rent. That will be proof positive to MIL that you value her gift of shelter/security and arn't there for a 'sponge off'.

Gather up all the courage, patience and good humor you have ever had to squeeze into your pocket, and wear it. God is giving you a trial. He has also given you children whom are watching your courage, patience and good humor. You are giving them clues on how to handle their lives in the future. Actions do speak louder than words.

Are there any chores your kids could do to help MIL? It really is hard to 'mean-mouth' people who do favors for you. it's the old.....drown her in kindness...trick. It will stick in your craw, so deal with it privately, and come out the winner. [[[ hugs]]].

And any time you are about to have a 'meltdown', remember that I am offering to trade MIL's with you. Mine is the devil in polyester!

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You also need a restraining order against ex - hubby. This alerts local law enforcement. Then it is HIS problem to leave the area when you accidently meet. Give the problem back to him. It may be easier for him to leave the area, rather than interupt his daily activities constantly.

You need to get some kind of personal protection training. Once again, can the Y, local women's groups, or local law enforcement reccomend free classes. Seek out books about personal protection. Awareness can be self taught. Empower yourself. Confidence will also help with MIL.

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Just saw this today...sending up prayers that your MIL backs off some. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. Cat gave you stellar advice as did the others so I can't think of much else to add except that I care--and wish desperately I lived near you so you could bug out with the kids for a bit and have a change of scene for a few hours away from MIL. Hugs.

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When my kids worked at Kroger, they had customers asking for an escort to their car.

My son walked several ladies out.

My daughter and her friend worked a late shift and they always had a male co-worker walk them out, especially after they were approached by a man with blood all over his clothes asking for money.

 

We live in a messed up world and every man should feel it his duty to protect un-escorted women. I'm sure every store manager would be willing to provide an escort. If not, shame on them.

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Unfortunately, most local law enforcement cannot enfore a restraining order. You have to ask for a protective order to get city police to help you.

This is the truth. I have had a restraining order before and it did no good and they usually arrived after he beat the crap out of me. My next door neighbor is a police officer and he said the restraining order is only good to get them arrested after the fact, but doesn't do much good to keep them away. That personal protection training thing is a great idea though, I am going to look into it, thanks!

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I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have had lots of hard times..not with my MIL but with my mother. They have a hard time accepting what we do...lifestyle, children, etc. Anyway...I wanted to let you know I am praying for you.

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UPDATE... I got to take this course this weekend for FREE http://events.getoutaz.com/mesa-az/events/...fdefense-clinic YEAY! My father is paying for me to take an hand gun training and safety course and will be helping me buy a gun that I will be able to carry openly and legally on hip for self defense against my ex. I'm still wisjing for a guard dog too, but I think these are great steps to helping me twards being safer.

 

Oh and Bi-Polar MIL is totally sweet lately and as a happy as a clam. It mus be because she is decorating her doll house and re-painting here next week. ALthough as long as everyone listens to her she's happy. Oye!

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  • 2 weeks later...
:mellow: Will this never end? This Easter SHE brought over Easter baskets for the kids and everyone got a nice basket with two small wrapped gifts. EXCEPT my oldest who was given a noticibly different basket with no gifts and very little else. He's a difficult child and can be hard some times, but she has always shunned him. It is not fair, he's just a child. I'm done, I am sick of her being mean to my babies. Time to play fire with fire.
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I think I would have thanked her "kindly" and immediately set the baskets up and away from the kids until they were all "equalized" by me.

 

It would deny HER the pleasure of watching the younger children get their baskets, and send a message that this behavior is unacceptable.

 

The children would be told *in front of her* that "Grandma/The Easter Bunny? forgot some things" and they would get them later. If your older child saw the difference, he would see that YOU were not going to allow this kind of slight.

 

I'm sorry, FP...

 

idiots come in all shapes, sizes, and ages... <_<

 

 

:bighug2:

 

 

 

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