my son Michael

[chefddr]

Hi ladies, I haven't shared this here, don't know why, but here it goes.

My son, Michael is 13 both he and his brother were victims of a local pedophile for 2 years., Jake got into Theaputic Foster Care and is doing well, he will be home in less than a month, about 12 months away from home. Michael, well that is another mess altogether

He is one angry kid. Smokes, is messing with drugs, steals from me and anyone else he can, lies, and has been out of school more than in this year. He even got kicked out of his old school and is in a special school. When he goes. So far in the past 2 weeks he has 3 Truancy Citations. Children Services can end up coming to take him from me, but it isn't like I haven't tried! any thoughts on how to help this boy get his head out of his tail and get him doing what he needs to do? He is in therapy, we are ALL in therapy. Have been for YEARS, I AM SOOO TIRED OF THERAPY. Heck, I am exhausted in general. I am at the end of my rope and there isn't enough to tie a knot to hang on with. Prayers would be great and any advice welcome.

Thanks so much!!

[sassenach]

Will pray about this

[Snowmom]

 

This sounds so like our one stepgrandson. But, he is now 20 years old and still alive.

 

I will add my for you and your family, that God's will be done.

 

 

[Cat]

I *think* I'm glad you put this up here where the guys may see it, too. We have some thoughtful and kind men who may have insight we women do not see.

 

Have you considered checking into if he has a medical need for medicines, for example, like bipolar, depression, ADD, etc? Or if he's already on something, is he monitored for correct dosage?

 

Please don't get me wrong... I HATE to see kids medicated for anything without serious, legitimate cause. But I have also seen a little "help" calm a child down enough to start to "get it", and later grow up and no longer need it. (Although my brother should have his bipolar meds and keeps going off, to his constant detriment and suffering. )

 

I would hate to see him go into foster care. One of the biggest dangers for him and from him is further experimentaion and molestation of others more vulnerable than him. You can better monitor that than *some* (I know not *ALL*, my favorite foster parents!! But I know some bad ones around in my area.) foster homes.

 

(((((((((((((((chefddr))))))))))))))) I wish I had something good to offer. I have a victim's perspective and a mother's heart, and both desperately want him to grow up healthy and whole and free of this.

 

My prayers are with you all...

 

 

[Annarchy]

[chefddr]

I *think* I'm glad you put this up here where the guys may see it, too. We have some thoughtful and kind men who may have insight we women do not see.

 

Have you considered checking into if he has a medical need for medicines, for example, like bipolar, depression, ADD, etc? Or if he's already on something, is he monitored for correct dosage?

Please don't get me wrong... I HATE to see kids medicated for anything without serious, legitimate cause. But I have also seen a little "help" calm a child down enough to start to "get it", and later grow up and no longer need it. (Although my brother should have his bipolar meds and keeps going off, to his constant detriment and suffering. )

 

I would hate to see him go into foster care. One of the biggest dangers for him and from him is further experimentaion and molestation of others more vulnerable than him. You can better monitor that than *some* (I know not *ALL*, my favorite foster parents!! But I know some bad ones around in my area.) foster homes.

 

(((((((((((((((chefddr))))))))))))))) I wish I had something good to offer. I have a victim's perspective and a mother's heart, and both desperately want him to grow up healthy and whole and free of this.

 

My prayers are with you all...

 

Yes, he is on meds and monitored monthly. Hmm, took him to the dr. today, just got back he has bronchitis esacerbated by his smoking. He took off before he could take any of his meds either for the add or the Bronchitis. He is also PTSD from the crime and just basically miserable.

 

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, sometimes it is hard for me to pray but I know God will answer the prayers of the faithfull who lift me and my family up to Him.

I will keep you posted. Again thamks sfor the advice and prayers

[Cat]

I'm sorry... "PTSD"?? Color me confused... and you can send me a private message if you don't want it here. I really have no clue.

 

AHHHH... "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" (PTSD) I had to look it up.

 

 

Prayers for you, your sons, and wise and skillful doctors going up...

 

 

 

 

[Stephanie]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this trying time with your son.

 

It probably won't surprise anyone that I am going to have a different viewpoint. I would say at this point that if you were able to have him placed in a good therapeutic foster home, it might be a great blessing. Here's how I come to that conclusion.

 

Since you are already familiar with therapeutic homes, I don't have to tell you how different they are from a regular foster home. For those of you who don't know, this would be an entirely different situation than being placed in a home with mulitple and various children. Often, the therapeutic home only takes one child at a time, because of the intense needs of the child being placed.

 

Also, from what you're describing, he may be soon taken from you and placed in a Juvenile program/center. This has the potential of terrible influences, environment, experiences, etc... He would be with other delinquents, not an idea place for anyone.

 

Lastly, I am concerned about your other son who is almost ready to come home. He may be negatively impacted by the behavior of his brother in your household.

 

Are there bad foster homes? Absolutely! Just as there are bad birth parents and bad doctors and bad teachers and bad social workers and bad preachers...etc... But HOPEFULLY , those are the exceptions to the rule and not the standard.

 

I'll be praying for you chef and your sons...if you decide to ask for therapeutic intervention, you are not a failure as a mom, you are seeing that your child gets the help they need.

[chefddr]

I have requested and been denied a Theraputic Foster Care Host Home for him. The Dr. at the insurance company, who I happen to know personally since he used to be in charge of the group that runs our family based, seems to think that Family Based is enough for us and he will be fine! I called them and told them to tell HIM to take the lil monster for a few days - I also filed a grievance which is like an appeal. Hopefully something will happen soon.

 

I too am concerned about Jake coming home in less than 3 weeks, but there is nothing I can do but pray something works out. I may take Jake home to my mom in NJ to keep them apart, and if Children Services does decide to step in, Michael may just go home to live with Nana and Jake will be here. Unless we get really really lucky and the judge will send him to boot camp or wilderness camp for the entire summer, maybe that will help??

In the meantime, my friends from another online group are planning a fast and prayer day on Sunday for us, which I think is amazing and I am very touched by their love and willingness to do this.

 

I will keep you posted. Thanks for all the prayers, they are greatly appreciated

[Momo]

Chefddr..I am so sorry for your family..words are just not adequate. I hope your entire family gets through this ordeal successfully!

[Becca_Anne]

I hope that your appeal is granted! There is nothing worse than feeling so helpless to help your child through that kind of nightmare. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers!

[gulfcoastruth]

Chefddr, gosh I''m sorry things are so stressful for your family. I can only offer a couple of ideas, and you may have already tried them. I work with troubled teens, and most respond to SOMETHING if you can find it, and the sad truth is, some don't, or we just never find it. I hope and pray with all the others here, that the Lord will lead you to what really works for you and your sons.

 

First: If you have had him with the same therapist for a long while with no apparent improvement, change therapists. Also, there are diff types of therapy.

 

Second: Most boys that I have worked with actually prefer a military type enviroment. I would first try him in sports, to be around men and see how he does with that. If that's no help, there are organization like 'Young Marines", and then there is a true military type boot camp for troubled youth, or military school.

 

I have worked with boys in jail. They almost universally prefer a military type environment to other kinds structured environments. Has to do with winning approval of men they respect, earning honors etc.

 

My best wishes and prayers.

 

 

[Unike1]

OOPS DOUBLE POST SORRY.....

[Unike1]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! I too have been dealing with a similar situation,, my boy is 14..... He has been dealing with sever depression and anxiety due to his fathers death 3 years ago. This past year, he has been in doctors offices nearly on a weekly basis for one ailment or another.. Finally, I pulled him out of school at the end of april and decided to homeschool, him,,,,well the homeschool I was going through, sent me the wrong application... they sent me one for 2008-2009 school year, well after May 15th they could not accept it... so I contacted them, they sent me another one in MID JUNE.... well my son has calmed down, I had several guys sit down and talk with him, and he seemed to really open his eyes, and seen what damage he was doing to himself and our family.. He began back to school yesterday.....

 

Now take in mind, he was on add medication, which he acted adversely too... he went absolutely crazy on it... he was violent, could not get out of bed wanted too sleep 24/7,,, I had to go so far as to call his school and have the asst.principal, guidance counselor, attendance counselor, and school resource officer come to my home and take him to school.

 

I will tell you,pray,, PRAY ABOUT!!! I prayed so hard and on a daily basis over this situation.

But, I wasn't paying attention... I was being given the guidance I needed over this situation, but I wasn't paying attention.... I prayed over the homeschooling, I guess I wanted to be able to it so bad, that I blocked everything else out...BUt the more I tried to push the homeschooling (I'm not bashing homeschooling,,,, I'm all for it).... the more mine and my childrens lives became so chaotic, everything was falling apart... I, have never been in trouble with the law,, not even so much as a traffic citation..... I had to spend 48 hours in the county jail,,, We still have to go back to campus court on Tuesday,, due to the time he missed in April- May... of last school year... I don't know how that will turn out, but we have to face the consequences and deal with.......

 

MY MAIN ADVICE TO YOU,,,, ARE YOU A SINGLE PARENT? IF SO, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP...... get your neighbors, get the school resource officers, family,, whoever you have available, make him attend a church service or a church based teen activity....

 

You will be in my prayers,,,, Just don't let this tear you apart.. I did and I feel at times that I have failed my family... I should have never let this happen... Ihave people telling me, stop being his friend and be his mother..then I stop and think these people saying this have no children or their children have not hit the teens yet... so what do they know,,, they just haven't got to the fun part yet!!!!!!

Just hang tight, and do a lot of praying.... and remember you have a lot of good people hear when you need to talk.......

[JCK88]

All good advice above. I don't have a lot to add except more prayers from our house for your family....

 

I can tell you that for a few years we thought we'd lost our daughter, who also had PSTD following several bad things in middle school. She acted out for a bit in ways that horrified and frightened us. It took about five years to work it out and now the girl is about to graduate high school, does well in sports, and has already taken a college class and gotten a B.

 

What I'm saying here is don't give up. Even when you are just at the end of it--and just wish you didn't have to deal with him, remember that you love him even when he's being this way. I had to put up a lot of kindergarten photos to remind me that my precious little girl was still "in there."

 

I just got back from a fun shopping trip my girl--we laughed, and found coupon deals, and talked like old pals. I never thought this was possible a few years ago.

 

What I learned was that I had to meet her where she was, not where I wished she was---that I had to accept her limits, her mistakes and embrace all of her faults and even her bad behaviors. Once she figured out for sure that nothing was going to make me not love her, she began to come around.

 

Counseling will help. If it is not helping, then get another one--but do not give up, and do not fail to let the kid know you love him. Sometimes the tricky part is making the kid realize he's worth loving--and helping him like himself.