what people think of others

[kathy003]

A few weekends ago I had the pleasure of spending time with my one of my favorite cousins. It's been years since we just hung out together and had a great time.

 

My cousin, the one I didn't go to see, stopped by and wanted to go shopping. I didn't plan on shopping while I was there. So then she wanted to go play putt putt and horse back riding. My cousin who I went to see was on call and couldn't go far from his house. I declined because of this reason, instead we went to get ice cream.

 

While we went to get ice cream she made the oddest comment to me. She asked how I could stand being poor for so long. I was shocked because she was so forward about it, and shocked she assumed I didn't go horse back riding because I couldn't afford it. I asked her what in the world made her think I was poor. She said because I didn't want to go horse back riding, I cook from scratch and haven't been clothes shopping in years.

 

I did not try to justify my finances to her but did try to make her understand we were not poor, we just watched how we spent money. I don't think she ever believed me.

 

When we got back from our ice cream trip - which couldn't have ended soon enough - she wanted to know what I drove. She looked at the junkiest car in the lot and asked if that was mine, it wasn't. When I pointed out my car her first comment was "wow, how can you afford that?" It's only a PT cruiser, not a real fancy car. I didn't answer the question, mostly because she really annoyed me.

 

Meanwhile, she lives in a $250,000 house ( just her and her dh no kids) and drives a brand new car that cost her $40,000.

 

Since alot of people on this site are frugal, how do you deal with people that don't live like you do? I look at her lifestyle and am shocked after the recession people still spend money like it's water. What do you say when they question how you live? I don't plan to go back to see my cousin for another year and when I do I don't plan to tell anyone.

 

Just curious what reactions people on here get when people realize how you live.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Crazy4Canning]

There's not much to say, really.

 

Well, I've had this happen too. I know it will happen again. Each time it does, it annoys the living life out of me and grates on my nerves like fingernails across a chalkboard.

 

I so wish I could grab a glimpse into the future and let them see, if only for a moment, the hard times that are coming. Yet, if I did, I don't know if they would learn anything or not.

 

I long ago stopped caring what other people thought and lived my life how I think it should be lived. It is no one's job to tell me I should fit into a certain mold.

 

I do however, find it terribly ironic that a good friend of mine who disagreed with a few months of 'me' time (after a nasty breakup over 10 years ago) is now very much the way you described.

 

Sigh.

 

I chalk it up to different priorities and values. My DH and I do a lot to support my parents, so our date nights are very precious. I'd rather take $20 from a movie or whatever, and put it towards some home project, buy another fencepost, etc. than pay for over-priced ice cream that will probably taste like freezer burn and is full of preservatives, moreover share this time with someone who I wouldn't spend time with anyway. (I know they're family and I *should* but I still don't like it.)

 

I also find that I, myself, am a very non-judgemental person. I could care less if you drive a nice car or if you wear designer clothes. What I care about is how you treat others - are you kind, courteous, gentle, etc., a decent human being.

 

Kathy, I'm sorry you had to go through this again. I'm sure it won't be the last time. Know you're not alone in this.

 

It does make for stark contrast, doesn't it? I always come home from these things and somehow find myself in my basement pantry or out in the chicken house .... quietly grateful for my blessings.

 

[Homemaker]

I work with 5th and 6th grade girls at church. One night a girl asked if she could use my cell phone because she left hers in the car when her mom dropped her off. I told her I didn't have one. She had a puzzled look on her face and asked in a concerned way why I didn't have one. When I told her I din't need one, nor did I desire one she was shocked. Now mind you, this was a girl. She couldn't fathom the idea that I wouldn't want a cell phone and would choose not to have one even though I could afford one.

Later the girls found out that I don't have cable, We don't get television because our set is old and won"t pick up the new broadcasts. They think I'm nuts. They just don't get it. On both occasions, another leader was listening to our conversation. She pretended not to be surprised, but didn't say anything. Her Jr high and high school daughters both have the cells and the Ipod things.

I just tell people that I refuse to pay those crazy prices for something I can get along fine without. I'd much rather go out and sit in the poo-filled chicken coop and watch my hens laying eggs in their nest boxes than sit in front of a wide screen television with surround sound. Besides, my "entertainment center" gives me breakfast! When we're inside together, my family talks to each other instead of being mindless drones staring at the boob tube receiving the latest installment of mindless entertainment. We have a blast together and don't have to wait till commercials to talk.

It's so sad when we take walks at night and can see the big square glow of a set in each house. You know the people in there are missing out on so much living.

 

 

 

 

[Christy]

Wel, truth be told I am poor and make a clear case of people knowing it too.

Part of the strategy, if they know I am poor they are less likely to think there is something to "get" here when the going gets rough.

Meanwhile before I became this ill, I earned very good money and saved most of it. That's what got us our retreat and I want that to look like the shabbiest, poorest house you can think of. All part of the decoy. Who will think there is food in a house that looks like it's falling down? But it sturdy on the inside, dry roof and off grid cooker. And nada left in the bank after this

 

So I do think you had a rotten experience and can understand your anger and frustration. Maybe it's for the best. Someone with that mentality might come running to you empty-handed if things go wrong. If she thinks you have nothing, you do not have to prep for her either.

Cos either the door is closed or you have to prep double to supply others that went on holiday and bought new cars..

 

 

Yes hard words but I scrimp and save and still have a hard time making ends meet. Do not intend to endanger our chances by taking somone in who could have prepped 10 times easier then we and didn't.

Human values are indeed much more important. Frankly someone thinking not less but different of you cos they think you are poor, might not even be someone you want to spend time with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Violet]

When she pays your bills for you and buys you that new car and house, then she can criticize you, ha ha.

People like that are insecure and have their priorities messed up. Being happy in life is more important than $$$. How can you rest and be happy if you are in deep debt ? That and worry about what everyone thinks of you.

Boy, what a rude person !!! I say there is something good at times about distant relatives. The more distance between us, the better !

 

[Stephanie]

Just a slight word of caution....let's not do to others what we consider rude for them to do to us.

 

I live in a big house, my two teens have cell phones,as do myself and my husband. I don't consider either of those a waste of money.

 

She had a rotten attitude (the cousin in the original post). But we need to be careful not to group people and judge them accordingly.

 

I don't pay for haircuts but I do pay $10 a month for the peace of mind I have with my boys having that cell phone in their pocket. Just last week,my sister's two sons and a friend went exploring in the woods on our family property. They got turned around, called my sister and she was able to go an find them in a timely manner. I consider cell phones one of my most valuable preps.

 

 

[Amishway Homesteaders]

We get that too........

 

one thing I do (if the person is one of those typies) is wait until they are done asking -why don't you have a cell phone (like me) and why don't you have cable (like me) and why don't you have this or that.

 

Well I tell them I do have a few things YOU don't have.

 

I don't have a morgage

 

I don't have a big cable bill

 

I don't have a big phone bill

 

AND I don't have any debt !

 

My home is paid for, both cars are paid for, no loans to pay off. Just the monthly bills we have from living the simple life and most of them are lower then anyone around here.

 

So poor us is living a WONDER LIFE and I can sleep at night knowing that nobody will come knocking on my door to collect money or reposess anythiing.

 

That just about does it to them every time.

 

But hey that just me folks..........................

 

[Homemaker]

Sorry Stephanie, I didn't mean to be judgemental. I had no idea you could get cell phone service for only $10 a month. When the kids had their plan up until two years ago it cost $50 for the first one and $45 for the second one. I had no idea it was so low now. Maybe I should look into it and drop the land line.

I was just picturing all these little kids running around with $50 a month cell phone bills in addition to their parent's phones. My kids had jobs and were willing to pay for it, but little kids??

[Stephanie]

Homemaker, I was just saying we have to be cautious, I have to be cautious with the same thing.

 

We did drop our land line, and got a cell phone plan with no whistles (no texting, internet, downloading, etc.) for about the same price. After that, you can add additional lines to your plan for $10 a month per line. The boys are only allowed to call other people with our plan (which includes all of our family members, cousins, etc...) so that no minutes are charged. Or of course they can call any number for an emergency.

 

Our decision was to start getting them once the children were teens. Otherwise, my children are pretty much with me or dh at all times.

 

I surely didn't mean to single you out as being judgmental, I just realize that what one may consider a 'luxury' another may consider very practical indeed. Sometimes we just don't have all the details.

 

 

 

[snapshotmiki]

I think our media plays a significant role in how the "poor" are viewed. Letting us know that we cannot live without this car or that TV. Phooey! In my younger days I never knew anyone rich or poor, there wasn't the emphasis on the financial that is seen today. Nor do I think we were a nation of "consumers" as we are thought of now. Maybe getting off point here. This is going to sound rude but if our nation would back off from the trough of our media driven lives we would be able to see each other so much clearer. And I don't mean any one here either. My dh and I are judged "poor" on a regular basis. We just had to toughen up because we aren't changing our lifestyle to fit others standards. Twice, in two different states, Someone thought we were homeless. At first I was incensed. Since we did not live in a regular house, we were less than them. I have found that usually when someone looks down their nose at me or anyone, they are just trying to make them selves feel or look better to those in their circle.

So we just live and let live and try not to get into whatever is being pushed at us today.

Feel like I should delete this cause I'm not making sense so I am hitting reply before I chicken out.

[blestmomof4]

Our kids are all teenagers and we also consider their ($10) cells a prep/need item. I still have 2 of them in public school and wouldn't let them out the door without a cell phone in their pocket. However, they have to pay for the unlimited texting plan($30 for the family) as they are the ones that use it. We have no extras on our landline and people get upset with us all the time when they leave a message to call them and don't leave their number. They think we have caller id and just aren't returning their calls. I need to redo the out going message to let them know so we can avoid that problem. We do have cable but only enough service to get the family/christian package. We have certain pastors that we really enjoy and learn from as well as the news and educational shows that I use in homeschooling.

 

We don't have the boats, the ATVs, the trips or the spa visits and I don't care if others have them as long as they are able to also provide for their families. We know those that have these things and they have called us on more than one occassion because they had no food in their house or their kids needed something. We have given money in the past to only kick ourselves about it later. From now on I will provide for them from our own storage or go to the store myself to get the medicine, formula, diapers, etc that they need.

 

We are a one income family and are blessed that with the economy DH still has his job but they did cut hours and it decreased our income by 25%+ so we have definately had to review our budget and priorities. We are thankful for what we have been given and take the responsibility of managing it and teaching our kids about making financial choices very seriously.

 

I guess I am at the point that I don't care what others think. My kids sometimes have a hard time with it and we try to never do anything that would embarrass them but don't want them to put so much value in material things. If it something that they really want but we feel is totally frivolous they have to pay for it themselves.

 

Blessings,

bb

[kathy003]

should have seen the look on her face when we she found out we didn't have cable tv! We were sitting in my cousin's apartment that I went to visit and Man VS Wild was on - now this is a show i do miss. I mentioned it and the cousin that is nosy asked if I had cable, I said no. If I only had a camera! i didn't add anything. After my show was over she was flipping through channels, then commented after flipping through 200 some channels - she turned the tv off and said there was nothing on. I said - that is exactly why we don't have cable tv.

 

snapshotmiki - I think you are exactly right. the media portray's what we *need* and, I think, all media has pushed consumerism to the point that many people found themselves with too much *stuff* and this is result of so many people's financial problems. It takes very special people to have a realistic view of wants versus needs.

 

I must say, I was happy to be back home and live the way we do. I'd rather this over that any day!

[Homemaker]

Sorry, I didn't mean to derail the starting topic of this post by getting on the subject of the reasons we have cable or cell phones for kids. I just was using two examples I have encountered in my life where people have looked down at me or thought I was unusual for not living a certain way. The girls I spoke of used their phones all the time at church to send texts and lots of pictures. I assumed that cost a lot of money. I also didn't know you could get family and christian channels. When we had cable, the programming consisted of things in the shows and commercials that offended us, so we dropped it. we have family members who will not visit us for overnight stays because we don't watch television and they get bored.

Please don't consider my post an attack on your choices. They were just examples from my life.

[Cat]

We had a really great discussion about this attitude in this thread... http://mrssurvival.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=30434

 

 

It is attitude, more than anything. People will always make snap judgements about others because most people try to gauge their own selves/success by comparing. We just often don't TELL each other.

 

Maybe the bratty cousin was kind of concerned... or honestly curious... about how *any* body - much less a relative *gasp* - can live frugally. Most of those kind of people have NO CLUE about what's truly good in life... not evil, just clueless.

 

We have cell phones for emergencies, rarely use them, and they're TracFones so we pay for minutes as we go. We have both built up a huge excess of *minutes*, but have to buy the service time extensions. But I do appreciate the extra "safety factor" when driving.

 

 

 

I'd rather suffer some "poverty" financially than in the soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lunamother]

I wish I knew who wrote this- because it's really good-

 

The Difference Between Rich & Poor People

 

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

 

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

 

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

 

"It was great, Dad."

 

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

 

"Oh yeah," said the son.

 

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

 

The son answered:

 

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

 

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

 

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

 

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

 

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

 

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

 

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

 

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

 

The boy's father was speechless.

 

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JCK88]

Sometimes, it is not others' attitudes toward us that really bother us -- it can be our own. It can get "old" being frugal if you lose sight of your goals and there can be times you begin to wonder if it really is worth it. I went through it this week when my family asked me to join facebook and there, I saw how vastly different their lifestyles are from mine and I have to say it rankled me that I'm the one going every day to the nursing home to care for mom while they are all down in Florida and going to the Bahamas or whatever fun thing they are up to. They never some see us, they expect us to go there and for now, we cannot afford it. I haven't been there since my father died and I moved mom up here because not one of them bothered to go see her even though they live right near where she was.

 

I have to look at my mother's face when she asks, "Do you hear from David?" (my brother) and see her hurt when I say, "They are in the Bahamas this week..." beacuse the unspoken thing between us is the conversation just a few weeks ago in which my brother said he was worried about his job and they couldn't afford to travel up here to see mom.

 

There was a little part of me that was jealous and it happened again the other day when I worked really hard to get my front gardens mulched and pretty for the ice cream party I was having for the neighborhood. (The ice cream was free, I won it in a contest) Another neighbor had a landscape service working her yard.....and I was sweating and miserable.

 

However, at the end of it, when the garden looked good, I had a real sense of accomplishment. And when I went to the nursing home and brought mom and her roommate to the party and saw how they enjoyed seeing the kids having so much fun, I knew that no trip to the Bahamas could make up for that memory.

 

I realized I'd have the joys and blessings of having done things in a way that I could care for my family and not live beyond our means.

 

In the hard times ahead, these things will matter more than things on credit cards. (Which is how my brother finances stuff)

 

On the other hand, when others have more resources and can have more than we do--that's okay with me. It's just seeing family not use their resources to care for each other that bothers me.

 

And even in all of this, I often still soul search to be sure that my feelings about my brother don't broil into resentment and anger. I have tried to accept that he is limited, and to meet him where he is rather than at where I wish he could be.

[gulfcoastruth]

Well, I really was a noticeably poor adult for a few years in the past. I have to say my church group, which was my only real contact, was very kind and helpful. I never felt put down. Not condescending or pitying, just helpful. As a child from a very poor family, I have experienced snobbery, and it was extremely traumatic.

 

I agree with those who say that rich/poor boils down to values. My family now knows that although I dont have alot of new, trendy material items, or take expensive vacations, I am debt free (except for low mortgage), have $$ to help others in need and when SHTF they will gather HERE. They are learning to appreciate my choices.

 

I do look for teachable moments, especially with my grown children. We all have choices to make, and I sacrifice some things in order to enjoy other things, like peace of mind! I would rather drive an older car, and have $$ to spare for emergencies (like retirement LOL). They have a new-found respect for me these days, as I have had the blessed priveledge of carrying them through some hard times.

 

I thank God everyday for teaching ME how to live this way. I come from extreme poverty ( a very hungry child etc) and only by the Grace of God am I able to have more than enough for me, and enough to share.

 

I believe the Lord is using me to help my grown children re- prioritize. Hard to enjoy a new house and car if you have to work 2-3 jobs to pay for it, and be constantly going into deeper credit-card debt in order to keep up with the Jones's.

 

I am still learning! And appreciate those who share practical tips and ideas here!

[HSmom]

I think this whole thing is about choices. Some choose to have cell phones. Some choose to have cable. Some choose to grow vegetables. Some choose to keep chickens, goats or a cow (and lemme tell you - their food products are NOT free; it takes time and money to earn those eggs, meat and milk). I agree that our media carries some of the blame for encouraging the idea that "everyone" has to have certain things. But honestly, the OP's cousin has just as much right to spend her money on horseback rides and shopping, as I do spending my money on seeds and chicken feed and coca-cola. I confess that I sometimes get judgemental and evaluate others' spending and interests as "shallow" but who am I to make that call?

 

If anyone thinks I'm poor (and looking at my house, they would), I smile and say: "We have all that we need. I *could* work more and we could have other things, but we're happy."

[snapshotmiki]

I sure agree with that HSmom! We got tired of trading our life for "stuff"! Except for preps of course! That is a big part of the reason we downsized to the RV. We don't have as much but neither one of us work as much either.

 

threaddrift!