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I'm so hurt, my heart is so beyond torn


NetteTX

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Thank you all so much for your kind words, advice and support. Shoshana, I am sorry for the loss of your son. I'm sorry you have to understand what I am feeling. Thank you for your prayers. I have been feeling quiet alone. Thank you for showing me so much compassion. It has always been hard for me to reach out. I have always tried to shield my two children from all that disfunctional and abusive stuff I grew up in and they blossomed.

 

We had it tough but it made us industrious and inventive. We had fun together. We weren't hung up on material things, but we always had what we needed and then some because I was frugal. They believed in Santa way too long because they knew mom couldn't afford the things they got for Christmas. I finally had to tell them so they wouldn't have problems in school. Actually, they were probably doing that for my benefit, but I know for a fact they couldn't figure out how I did it money wise. Even my parents couldn't.

 

I just keep having all these memories flood my head. My daughter lives with me and I had been talking so much about their births since she is pregnant and asking me questions.

 

I can't understand time right now. It makes no since. I feel like I am watching different movies all at the same time. My daughter getting further along in her pregnancy. Kev, going to work. I know the memorial happened, I even spoke at it. Things have gone on, doctors appts. for both my daughter and I. My grand daughter trick or treating. Days are gone, a week, two. I don't know. I wake up and don't know what day it is. I can't explain it. I feel like it just happened.

 

My daughter has said he has been gone for weeks. That doesn't seem right. I feel confused. I'm trying to figure it out. I know logically the days must be going by but time is not right. Where have I been? A few days at most, but weeks? My daughter was 11 weeks pregnant when it happened know shes over 14. That what she says.

 

Cat, I will take your advice and post on the journal part and in the other part. If I can figure out how to find it. I am so thankful I posted here. I usually stayed on the prep, ready, how-to, and craft threads. Every year I would plan on doing that ornament exchange and chicken out thinking mine wouldn't be good enough. I have a story about my son Noel selling my ornaments(we live in the country) its pretty funny. He surpised me. He had more faith in me than I do in myself.

 

The news video is on the internet. Well, more than one. Kev told me not to, but I had to watch it. Kev wouldn't watch it, but my daughter did. I don't know if you understand. They showed part of him. Not like a car accident were they report and cover up the victems. I watched all the police walking and talking all around him. Over and Over. There is more I want to say about this and ask about this. The blog or other thread, I guess.

 

I just don't understand things. This world hurts my heart. I try to focus on good prepare, love, show, kindness. I had pretty much bacame a recluse in my house after my mom died in 05 and was just starting to see things differently in the last year. Things were getting so much better for our whole family heart wise, spiritually, just in every way.

 

Now I see the TV and its horrible, I know the economy has been bad... but I always prepare for that stuff. I'm talking the other. The craziness I was already seeing it. Moms killing their babies, mass shootings, serial killings, but it is so much more frequent. Now that evil has touched us.

 

I never wanted to be part of a news story.

 

nette

 

Thank you again, I didn't think I could write today but its helping.

 

 

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Nette, I add my prayers to all the others for you, for healing, wisdom, grace and patience. And strength. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the anguish you are going through.

 

Keep writing and posting when you can; it does help. I add 'me too!' to all who expressed a yearning to reach through cyber space and comfort you in person.

 

You are not alone in this, although I'm sure at times that cannot seem true.

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This is my first post since the board was changed over and I was a new poster back then. I really thought I had posted. I read and learn so much on here. I felt like I was a part of something, then I look at my profile and nothing. I don't really even exist here. I talked about the board and the people on it, like they were my friends and I was learning so much from them. I did learn. I realized I haven't interacted with anybody in years. This just became really apparent. I'm really stunned, I feel like I know some you on here. I feel so stupid.

 

Should I even post? My heart hurts so bad. I can't be too upset in front of anyone. There is just the three of us left.

 

My son Noel was killed October 16th, he is 22. It is under police investigation. He would have graduated from college this December. I talked to him that day and almost everyday for the two weeks before that. He was already interviewing for jobs for after graduation. He stayed the summers with us when he would intern.

 

My daughter is 21 and 15 months younger than him is hiding all her emotions now. Because she is pregnant and the day after we found out, we had to take her to the hospital.

 

Kev, is just worried about everything, especially me. I have to have surgery on the 20th and I don't even care. He is so used to me handleing everything.

 

We always joke if anything ever happened he would be lucky if he grabbed the dogs before he ran out of the house. He finally was coming around to preparing for the future. Now I don't even care about today.

 

I have a beautiful grand baby, she will be 4 in December. She is just like her dadddy. I am so glad I have a good relationship with her mom and can see her. We had her last weekend, it was needed, loved, but so hard.

 

I don't understand, my boy was good. He had a beautiful soul. He did good things for people. Even the officer told me that people from his age to 70's had nothing but kind words to say about my son. So even away from home he followed what I taught him. But, for what?

 

Now I have no son, my daughter has no brother and my beautiful grand baby has no daddy.

 

I've had a lot of death in my life. Nothing like this. I don't know how to react. I'm so lost. My mom in was the last person I lost and I thought nothing was worse. I was wrong. But, I could cry and throw a fit and be upset even knowing ahead of time what was to be.

 

I feel crazy. I clench my jaw a lot. I feel I can't breath. Tears roll down my cheeks. When no one is around these gasping sobs escape from me in short bursts. I'm afraid of them. There is a pain like I've never experienced before in me and it wants to make noise. There is always my daughter or Kev around me so I stay quiet and composed. They won't leave me by myself any length of time. When I'm not like that I just feel cold and dead with a hard knot in my stomach, still clenching my jaw. Back and forth.

 

 

 

 

1) YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

2) You do whatever you have to do. Scream,cry, punch chit,doesn't matter. DO IT!

 

 

 

 

3) You know, your Hubby and daughter are probably hoping that you let go, so THEY can let go with you. They need to hold you just like you ALL need to be held right now. They may need to feel needed to help them with their grief. Let them help you so you can help them

 

 

 

 

4) The pain will NEVER go away. It will dull with time. But it won't go away. losing a child is nothing like anything else in the world that you could ever go thru. So, don't even try to compare it to anything.You didn't hold your mother under your heart for 9 months. Theres no comparison.

 

 

 

 

5) Look for grief counseling. and GO. it helps to be around others who do know what you're going thru.

 

 

 

 

6) TALK about your son. Talk about all the silly stuff he used to do and say. Remember all the stuff he used to do to make you so fed up with him or so loved by him, or so happy with him. It's ok to talk about him. It's also very ok to talk TO him. Because I'm telling you right now, He's right there with you. You may even smell him sometimes.

 

 

 

 

7) You'll be angry with him and the world. It's OK hun. You're allowed to be pi$$ed right now. So, don't deny any of your feelings.

 

 

 

 

8) I know what you're going thru. I've had to do it twice now. You're lucky. You have a daughter and a grandchild. I'll never know that. Count the blessings  you do have. And you do have some. Remember, some of us, don't have what you do. ;) <3

 

 

 

 

You'll make it.

 

 

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Heavenly Father,

 

I just read this thread and my heart is breaking for Nette. As I read this road she's on right now, all I could think of was "there's no words I can say that will help". I thought about backing out of this thread and continuing to pray for her in private (as I know many are doing), but I just needed to share this prayer to You, for her.

 

I haven't lost a son but I almost did and I remember.

 

I know that there's nothing I can say that will help ease the pain. There are no words Father, and it's at times like this that I just really get frustrated that our venue of communication, falls so short.

 

But I also know that You alone are God, and You are able to do all things, so I just pray Father, in Your love and compassion for Nette and her family, that You would pour out Your Spirit over their hearts, and through the power of Who You are, God, bestow upon them Your peace.

 

There is just no way that we can humanly deal with this kind of tragedy, and Father, as I write this prayer I'm getting a little upset cause Nette is hurting from something she shouldn't have experienced. So Father God, please forgive me but I'm totally serious when I charge You and say, You just hafta do something...You are God and no one else, and only You can touch her heart this day. You promise You will, You tell us over and over that even in things like this, that You are still greater, so Father God, I just ask that somehow, someway, THIS day, that You would flood over this family in a powerful, holy, righteous and profoundly loving way and give them Your peace.

 

I trust You even with this, for I have no where to turn, I have no other hope, except You. I don't understand many things Father, but I can't ever let go of trusting You, no matter what. Surely as my heart hurts this much for her, Yours hurts far greater as You see her pain? I know it does, and I also know that You are the only One Who can reach her pain too.

 

In Jesus Name I pray,

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Nette, I am praying for you and yours.

 

I wanted to suggest calling your local Hospice. I attend a grief counseling program they sponsor. It's free and open to anyone who has lost a loved one regardless of if they were tended by hospice or not. In our group most of the attendees lost a family member due to illness but a couple had sudden deaths. Hospice services are available to everyone (but call yours to verify). This time of year the meetings are discussing how to survive the holidays.

 

Also, periodically various churches run announcements that they offer grief counseling. Check your newspaper or just call around. If you have a pastor perhaps he can recommend a place.

 

You ARE in a fog right now, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It must be our body's way of helping us cope initially. Unbelievably, I paid two house payments in October, just four days apart. That explains why the balance in my checkbook is so low, eh? I have no memory of having done that. It's good that you and your daughter are sharing memories of the happy times. That's healthy.

 

I recently lost my husband, but his mother lost her child. I can't understand your loss but I know the toll it's taking on my MIL. You will remain in my prayers.

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8) I know what you're going thru. I've had to do it twice now. You're lucky. You have a daughter and a grandchild. I'll never know that. Count the blessings you do have. And you do have some. Remember, some of us, don't have what you do. <3

 

excellent tips OINK.

 

I"m so sorry for your loss.I can't even imagine!!

 

while I don't know exactly your pain -

I did lose my best friend ,my husband,after being married and working together for 36 yrs ,3 yrs ago.

 

It's ...shock.I was in shock for a good while ,but didn't know it.time seemed to stop.

 

it will get easier .but for now,there are no words,just know you are in my prayers.[[[hugs]]]

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Again, thank you so much for all your kind words and prayers. I have kept logged in to this site since I first posted. Some days I can't even think about getting on the computer, others my mind spins with all I want to say... and then its gone. So, I just lay on the couch. I'm trying to do more stuff but it is hard. If I look at it big picture I don't see much point. So I have started to try little steps on things.

 

I have trouble paying attention to conversations that last to long. I have to have noise going all the time and that doesn't work always or I'm constantly thinking. I'm thinking about my son, my daughter, the investigastion, my life, the world, just on and on. I'm tired. I've questioned myself about every decision I've made and how that one change could have helped him to be in a different place and time in his life and none of this would have happened.

 

I question why do some people get all the second chances in the world.

 

I wish I knew how to do one of those fancy memorial pages. Maybe I can try and figure it out. I want people to know how talented and funny and great Noel was.

 

I would like to go to some kind of group, thanks for the suggestions. We live out in the country and it has been hard trying to find something. No one here wants me to cry. So its quick when I'm alone, like in the bathroom or if everyone is asleep.

 

Well, thanks so much for the cyber hugs and the prayers and really everything. Maybe I'll be able to help some one as much as ya'll are helping me, in some way along my path. Thats what I've always tried to do.

 

Nette

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We're still holding you in prayer, Nette. :wub:

 

 

Maybe you could ask your husband or your daughter to just let you cry, while one of them holds you. Maybe it would help them to see you get it out, and it might help them cry with you, too.

 

God created us with tears for a reason, and it sure wasn't for when we cut onions. Crying can be a very real emotional release, a "washing out" of tension, and a way to deal with things you can do nothing *concrete* about otherwise.

 

From a study I found: "Those who derive the greatest benefit appear to have received a good level of emotional support from others at the time they cried."

 

If you're hiding your tears, then you're also going to feel gulty about crying, which doesn't help you.

 

:bighug2:

 

Still prayin'...

 

 

 

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You cry when and where YOU want to! Don't let someone else dictate what YOU are feeling and when. This sort of thing just burns my bloomers! So what if "they" don't want you to cry! You wanna cry?.....CRY! Don't let others shut you down. You need to move thru all the stages and crying is one of them

 

Not only will the investigation take a while, then there may be the trials. Been there done that one too hun. It took us over 5 yrs total for all the trials ( there were 4 perps), and then there was the Federal one and then the State one.

 

If all you do is sit on the couch, thats a start. Get up from bed, shower,dress and then sit on the couch. Although I don't recommend it. Thats how I packed on 100 lbs! LOL

 

You need to get into town and get to a group. So that when and if there is some sort of court dates, you'll have the support there with you ( hopefully).

 

Working on a memory page would be a great way for you to work out your grief in a constructive way. So what if it's not perfect the first time. Keep at it till you get it the way you want. Nothings perfect in this world except for Nature.

 

I don't know the circumstances, but there is a group called Parents Of Murdered Children ( POMC).www.pomc.com

 

Check it out. It may what can help you.

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My pastors message Sunday was "Life is Not Fair" Responding to the Trials of Loss.

"Pour out your heart to God,for he is our refuge."Ps 62:8

Wailing is the word he used.Out to God. That's what i did after my dh passed.from the depths of my soul.

It's part of the healing process. :bighug2:

Continuing to pray for you.

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit..." Ps.34:18

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Dear NetteTX,

 

I too, have been away awhile and have not posted. I come on and lurk and read, but haven't felt much like participating since my Mama died earlier in the year. I learned something new about her death today that just brought it all back to me, and I came on here to try and find a way to clear my head. That's when I found your post. My heart is hurting too. But my burden is nothing compared to what you are going through, and I think God wanted to remind me that there are tougher places to be than the one I'm in.

 

How my heart aches for you and for your precious family. I am among those many of us here who wants to reach through the screen and hold you and allow you to cry and scream and rage and vent and release all of those pent up emotions you are dealing with minute-by-minute, second-by-second.

 

What could I possibly do to ease your pain? Nothing, I am sure. But I sit here struggling, trying to come up with something for this total stranger who is my sister in a strange sort of way, none-the-less.

 

We all are praying for you, and as I am preparing to pray for you here, I also am wondering ... Is Nette furious with God? Is she able to pray and feel that her words are reaching the Father? Does she want to scream and throw things toward heaven if she could gather the energy to be angry with Him?

 

I'm afraid that I would be in that place were I you. So I hesitated to pray here in oder to avoid placing you in a position of having to think of that among all the other questions and pain swirling in your head.

 

But God assures me, even as I write, that He is cradling you through your pain and anger, regardless of your thoughts. And He wants me to pray for you here among your friends of many years.

 

Dear Father,

 

Our NetteTX, as you know, is suffering unspeakable pain in the loss of her precious son to the needless, senseless hatred of this world. We beg you Lord to continue to cradle her and hold her up when she is too weak to stand. Give her rest when she is too tired to sleep. Offer her peace of mind when there is none to be found. We know Lord, that you understand Nette's every feeling because you also lost a Son to the world, and have dealt with the pain and sorrow of sin that rips families apart and crushes the hearts of parents, siblings and children.

 

Lord, we beg of you to get Nettie through day-by-day so that she can regain her strength and her desire to live. Help her Lord to see the big picture in the eyes of her darling grandbaby. Give her the clarity of mind and courage of heart to continue loving her daughter, husband, grandchildren.

 

Father, we pray specifically for you to grant this family the grace to "lean". Allow them Lord to lean on one another when leaning is needed. Help them to rally around and surround each other with the love they feel for their precious Noel so that they do not become gripped with fear of loving again. Surround them with Your grace Lord, surround them with Your grace.

 

Please give us the words to inspire NetteTX to live again Lord, since we are too far to hold her hand. Send to her someone locally to hold her hand. Replinish her ability to dream the positive dreams of life and moving forward as she strives so diligently to face each day in her pain and anguish.

 

Love NetteTX Lord, as only You can love her. Comfort her as only You can comfort her. Heal her as only You can heal her.

 

In Thy name we pray. Amen.

 

 

 

 

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