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Hi all.....family problems are rising. It seems like everyone is weighted down with depression in my house, especially my daughter and eldest son, and my husband seems to not notice, or not care, or both. I really don't know what to do anymore, the depression is weighing down on me too.

My daughter is what really concerns me......ever since about 3 years ago, when she broke up with her old boyfriend, she has been changing into someone so different from her former self, it pains me to see her the way she is. She hardly ever leaves her room, and has crying bouts for no good reason. She hates everyone she meets, and never goes anywhere.

I really don't know what to do. She still hates her exboyfriend and is bitter about it. I try to tell her he let go of her, so she needs to do the same, but she won't listen to me, or can't listen to me.

Some advice and prayers would be appreciated.

-June

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((((((Junebug))))))

I have no tried and true advise about teenagers. Having just went through DS's teen years, DH and I feel as if we have survived a war. Really! If you like you can email me at oneaglewings2000@yahoo.com

Your DH is just emotionally shut down, its all he can do at the moment...please just be patient and don't forget he has needs. You may need to be the strong one for now until he can get his bearings. This can be a time of drawing together or not pulling apart. To win this war, the commanders have to be a united team. Take time away from the house to regroup and refocus. Once a week, DH and I used to pack a thermos of coffee and escape to our property to talk about our dreams and simply enjoy the breeze! Those were wonderful times...I can remember actually seeing the wrinkles smooth and disapear from DH's tense face.

Also find time for yourself, doing things you enjoy like a class or a new hobbie. Read positive books to keep your spirit rejuvinated. Make a lunch date with a treasured friend...don't isolate yourself when you have needs, let others know.

Is your DD or family in counseling?? It can do a world of good. So does prayer, I will be praying for your DD and your entire family. I don't know where we'd be without others praying for our family!

Hang in there, it's just a season. I'm glad you shared your heart with us. This reminds me of when I started coming here and why I love this place so much.

Blessings to you!!

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Junebug, I know it's hard to live with someone who's depressed.

Have you asked your daughter what it would take to make her happy??

When I was at my worst in my early 20's, nobody had ever asked me that before. Nobody in my family really knew me. They all thought they did, but their entire image of me was based on assumptions they had made that I was just like my older sister.

Mom spent months trying to help me by telling me what I should do to feel better. When my Mom finally asked me what it would take, and I was brave enough to share her what would make me happy, things began to get better.

Mom didn't suddenly make things happen for me either. She just listened, took me seriously, and did what she could to help me. (mostly just letting me live at home rent free, which was a big deal)

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Junebug:

I will be praying too!!!! It must be hard for you. Take some time out to build yourself up through whatever you enjoy. Personally when I get overloaded with things I turn on praise music, read the Bible and do something that makes me feel accomplished, relaxed, etc.

Hang in there!

 

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June,

My first concern is the underlying cause of the depression. The second is the age of your children. The third, is your (and your husband's) reaction to it.

It is really important to understand that age is a big factor in determining the severity of the situation. At about age 14, they start to change into creatures you don't even WANT to recognize.

All teenagers, beginning in puberty, have raging wars going on in their bodies, due to hormone fluctuations. This is something that they simply cannot control, and you have to more or less ride it out. You just have to remember that it doesn't last forever, and parents have lived thru it since the beginning of time.

It's also about the time they realize that they know EVERYTHING, and their parents know NOTHING. They will NOT, under any circumstances, tell you what's really bothering them, because it's the unwritten code.

It would really help if your daughter had an older female relative or friend that you BOTH trusted, that she could confide in. This person should NEVER tell you what your daughter says, only warn you if things look like they are getting out of control. If someone like that is unavailable, a counselor or therapist is the next best thing.

If your children are teens, and they both started getting depressed at about the same age, it's probably hormonal, and you'll just have to let them know that you're available for them, but that you won't tolerate unacceptable behavior.

Set rules and guidelines and stick to them. Also set consequences and follow thru. If you don't follow thru, they'll decide you're weak and ineffectual, and they will push you to the breaking point.

If they are in their late teens, to early twenties, it could be a chemical imbalance that could be corrected with medication. Seek medical help as quickly as possible. It will not go away, and ignoring it could lead to disasterous results.

Now here's the sticky part of the situation. It is simply not NORMAL for a young woman to be depressed over a boyfriend for 3 years. RUN, do not walk, her to an OB/GYN, and have a blood test done to determine her hormone levels. Explain the problem to the doctor in front of her, and also ask for a referral for an MRI. It can determine whether she has Bi-Polar disorder. Don't sugar coat any of it, tell the doc everything that concerns you.

Take your husband out of the house, on a picnic or a long walk in the park, and tell him your concerns. Let him know that your marriage is a partnership, and that you won't be left to deal with the children alone. Ask him how he really feels about it, and what he would like to see change. Then make a pact to get thru it together, and don't let the children play you against each other.

Make all decisions together, away from the children, and always present a united front. Hold hands, give and get lots of hugs from each other, and run away from home on a regular basis.

My DH and I had FOUR teenagers, at the same time, and I'm still surprised that we made it thru with a little sanity intact.

When things got really rough, we would jump in the van, go spend the night at the lake, get back to town just in time to go for breakfast, and get home to clean up for work.

The kids would be frantic! We'd just giggle and tell them that WE didn't have to answer to them, THEY had to answer to US! They finally understood that common courtesy was important, in both directions, and curfew became less of a problem. They rolled their eyes a LOT!

We also let them know that no matter what went on in their lives, they were temporary visitors in our homes. We told them that they would grow up (if we let them! LOL!) and move away, but our marriage would survive and we'd still be together. We told them that their behavior would determine how long after 18 they would be allowed to stay in our home.

It's a tough situation, and I 'feel' your pain, I really do. Just don't let it ruin your life or your health.

Get a grip on it as soon as possible, and it'll all work out.

Oh yeah! The most important thing I can tell you is this; DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to be your childrens' friend. You can't be both friend AND parent, and right now, they need you to parent them more than ever! Friendship will come later, and it will be rewarding, believe me.

Don't take it personally, you'll become friends again, when they get to be about 25, and when they turn 30, they'll actually start to think you're not as dumb as they thought, all those preceding years.

Our children are now 30, 28, 28, & 27, and we lived to tell the tale. It's STILL not that easy, but it's do-able. We also have 4 grandchildren, and another due in March....

We have the best marriage of anyone I know, 'cause we never let anyone divide us, not even the children. Best of luck to you and yours...

Nana

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So sorry to hear about your daughter's troubles. I have no real advice to give you unfortunately. I haven't been through the teenage years with my boys yet...will be a while...But, all I can say is keep the faith and keep trying with your daughter...don't give up. I know it's hard to do, but hopefully in time, she start to open up to you and let you know what she's feeling inside, so you can help her. I'll certainly be praying for you, your daughter and your whole family! angel3.gif

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I've been so self absorbed that it is a shock to realize others have problems too!(you mean the world does not revolve around me?)

I am so sorry you have trouble. I would suggest just asking your daughter what is wrong. Insist on an answer. Get help- some kind of counselling for her. Maybe an antidepressant.Why not? Also, does she work? Maybe she needs to do something outside of her usual realm. What about going overseas on a 'youth help'program to work for an aid organization? What about working for the handicapped or a children's cause.

How about counselling just for you. Afterall, you can only change yourself, right? But change one link and you change the whole chain.

Kiss-Kiss

Lynnie

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Hi Junebug, I feel so badly for what you are going through. I'm on my third teenager now. The first two and I survived. This one is questionable. She's too much like I was. Soon, if she doesn't stop, she will be going in for counseling and possibly medication. Deep down inside she's a beautiful girl, but man oh man, she's going through a not so nice period of her life. My concern for my daughter and also your daughter is Clinical Depression and/or Bi-Polar as Nan said. I am Bi-Polar and my symptoms started very early. But wayyyyyyyy back then they weren't addressed. So, I suffered for many many years. Now I'm on medication and I'm doing great. Please take your daughter in to someone who she can talk to and who can evaluate her. I sure hate to see her suffer. God Bless you all.

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Pray for Peace

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HI JuneBug...I'm praying as i write this for you and your family. As the mother of a child with bipolar maniac depression I can only say hang on to your hat and get your daughter to a doctor. rule out physical problems and then have her checked for bipolar as NANA advised you.

It was touch ang go when my oldest DD was growing up... her problems hit when she was around 12 years old. but medication,a good psychologist, biofeedback, and good friends have given her her life back... she is now married and has two children and a wonder person to be around most of the time .. grin.gif.. when she hits a maniac high everyone tells her they love her, take her pills and they head for the hills so to speak...

Your DD cant help what is going on, depression controlls you you dont control it.. especially at her young age. DH is probably trying to figure out how to survive this himself.. keep us posted as to what is happening we are here for you. twila

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Sorry I haven't posted before, but was unsure what to say.

I do agree with Nana for sure. Make sure it isn't a physical problem and go from there.

I have a daughter-in-law on medication for Bi-Polar. I have two grandsons on medication for AD__ whatever the other letters are. The Attention problem. Both boys are doing so much better now with the medication than they were before.

I don't like the idea of depending on medication for this, but if that is what it takes, then that is what it has to be.

Things are so different now than they were 30-50 years ago. The kids are going through a lot of stress that some of us never went through at their age. It is tough being a child or teenager now days.

Please let us know how things go and what you decide to do.

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Junebug, you have been given a lot of good advice here, but I would like to add to it one more thing, well maybe two, possibly three, or more that were not mentioned and I feel are important to consider.

I learned when I was going through counseling that one of the best ways for therapy is to give your daughter a new notebook full of notebook paper and a package of pens. Tell her that you know that some things are very personal and some hurts hurt too much to talk about them, but you think that she might wish to write about them. It will make her feel better if she can put them down on paper.

She probably feels all alone, abandoned by her lost love, and no one understands her and why she feels this way. Then if that isn't hard enough to deal with she has her Mom bugging her all the time and telling her to just get over it.

Now we all know that is NOT what you are doing, but I am trying to give you a glimpse of what life is like for her, through her eyes. She feels nobody understands her and nobody cares. The depression she is in just gets deeper and deeper with her self-pity.

When I went through counseling my Dad (my counselor and I adopted each other) taught me that feelings, including self-pity are not bad. They are an expression of how we feel. We have to learn to look at them and say, ok, I feel this way, BUT, I really don't like to feel this way, OR, I know feeling this way is not good, beneficial, or of any help to me as a person and I really do want to become a person I can love and admire (not being prideful here, just learning to love who you are and who God created you to be.), because I must first learn to love myself before others can love me and I can love others.

Here is another of the emotions she might, (probably) is feeling..... I am a bad person, I hate myself, I wish I would just die (going into bedroom and hiding from the world is a form of killing one's self without doing the actual dying), I don't deserve to live, my boyfriend dumped me, see I am a bad person, if I wasn't a bad person than he would have stayed. I could not keep his love, I am a bad person. I am BAD, BAD, BAD, I don't deserve to live. Then to top it off Mom is always harping on me (her feelings again here, not what is really happening.), and telling me to get over it and move on. Don't she see I can't get over it and her bugging me is just making it worse. She hates me too, I can't do anything right, I can't keep my boyfriend's love and I can't please my mother. I am really bad. Everybody hates me.

Now for the second part of my advice to you...... She is growing up and needs her privacy. She does not want to tell you how she feels. She can't talk to you about it, you are THE PARENT. She also probably feels that she would really hurt you and the relationship (as meager as it is at this point) that you and her do have if she was really allowed to and felt free to say what she is really feeling inside. AND if she did say to you EXACTLY what she is feeling and says it, in her own words she would be bordering on being disrespectful (She would be emotional and blurt it out with feelings all tied up into it, not meaning to be disrespectful, but it probably would be interpreted that way from her outburst), you would get upset, hurt and there would be hard feelings on both sides, maybe even a fight would break out or words said in pain, hurt and anger that you both could never take back. That would make it a lot worse and she would go away hating herself more, feeling more unlovable and unwanted, feeling like you really hated her for sure now and feeling SO guilty for hurting you and creating this whole mess. She would say to herself as she probably is already, SEE you are a bad person and unlovable. No one could ever love you.

So respect her privacy for both of your sakes, tell her I am here, I LOVE YOU, I care, I hurt for you when I see you hurting, I want to help you but I don't know how, so I just want to let you know I am here for you IF you ever want to talk, but I will not push it, I know you will come to me when and if you are ready and if you don't, just know I love you and it is ok if you don't want to talk to me. If writing in your notebook helps, you can do that and I PROMISE I will NOT read it unless you decide you want to share it with me, you bring it to me, you personally place it in my hands and tell me I can read it.

When I went through counseling with my Dad he did all of that for me. And I took my notebooks (I wrote 7 before I was through) into him and let him read them. He was uncomfortable with it at first and didn't want to read them, but it was my only way of telling him how I felt at first. I could not say the words, but I could write them. It worked very well for me, but we all handle things differently and in our own ways. What works for one may not work for another.

Here is an example of what I am saying..... When I went to counseling God was my real counselor and guide not the woman counselor. I went to a wonderful woman counselor who was a christian and she really tried to help me, but could not handle it because it was so different to her, different from everything she had been taught in school about counseling. Why was it different? Because God was in control of the counseling sessions, not the counselor and I did not allow anyone to take God out of the control seat. The counselor was wonderful, she recognized God counseling me, she knew God directed me to the books he wanted me to read and through his counseling. I was going through things, dealing with things at a VERY fast pace, where I was at one week dealing with a certain thing, the next week the counselor would be prepared to deal with last weeks issue and to me it no longer was an issue. I was down the road about 3-4 issues and she simply couldn't keep up and didn't want to interfere with what God was already doing with me because she knew it would hurt me and my progress. But when I went to Dad for counseling he got me writing (my passion)and when I allowed him to read my writings he saw how God was working with me and he jumped on board and was able to keep up with it all and say, lets go back here a minute, I think we need to look at this one a bit further before we dismiss it. My Dad had never counseled like that before either. He recognized he was not in control as he had been taught in school he was supposed to be. But he recognized that God was in control and said, I think I will just sit in the passenger seat and go with you for the ride and help out where I can but you can do all the driving God.

Dad told me to keep those notebooks and read them when ever I felt the need to look where I had come from, see just how far I had come in such a short time. Then he told me the time would come when I would know in my heart that I didn't need them any longer, it was all done, it was in the past and I am looking and moving forward not back. I will know I don't want to or need to look back at the past anymore. He said when that time comes I am to go outside and start a camp fire or a fire in the burn barrel, what ever way I choose that was safe from a fire getting out of hand and destroying who knows what. Then I am to take each notebook and tear the pages out one at a time and watch each page burn until all the pages are all burned up and gone just as my past was dealt with and is now gone and my future lies ahead of me.

This is the VERY BEST therapy I have ever seen. I have watched my Dad use it many times with those he counseled and I have watched as each and every one of those he counseled began to change and become the person they wanted to be. But at the same time we are the choosers of our own destiny. It is the choices we make in life that makes us who we are and takes us where we are.

Another example, I have another adopted sister (she was adopted by Dad also (before me, I am the baby of the family, LOL), Our childhoods were quite similar, we both were abused in the same ways, what happened to her was horrible! Much worse than what happened to me, but I learned in the coarse of counseling that the effects of abuse are all the same no matter the severity of the abuse or mildness of it. The damage done and the pain suffered are always the same. Kathy and I are as different as day is to night. Where we differ is in the choices we have made.

Kathy has chosen to go through life hating others and taking her pain out on them, even after completing counseling. She hides from her past and approaches everything with anger. She is a bitter and angry person by choice.

I view my past as an opportunity to help touch someone and show them love and compassion, be a friend, love them, be there for them and maybe make their life a bit brighter knowing some one out there really does care. Not only do they care, but they know what it is like to hurt, feel alone, feel pain, feel suffering, sorrow, loss (I could write a book and it would touch all who read it and be a best seller but I can not write it no matter how hard I try. I can not write my story, I wish I had someone who wanted to write it for me, I think it would help all who read it.)and feel like they were abandoned.

Here are two people, the damages were the same, the therapy was for the most part the same, but the choices of how they were going to handle it was totally opposite. One choose to use it as an excuse to inflict pain on others and the other choose to use it as am excuse to inflict compassion on others.

Another thing you can do to help your daughter when she is ready....... is sit down with her, get out a pad of paper and write some lists. Write a list of what she would like life to be. Discuss this list and put it into categories, things I feel I can change, things I can't change. Next list..... If I can change them, how can I change them? Break it down into steps she can handle so the picture is do-able and not overwhelming to her. The other list you can discuss and write a similar list. If I can't change them, how can I learn how to live with them? Break this down into do-able steps also so it is not so overwhelming. Next list..... What is in my life now that I don't like, how can I change them and make my life better?

It is very difficult for a parent because your child needs compassion and it is hard to show compassion and still be an authority figure, balancing the two and being so close to the situation can be a real juggling act. As a parent you are too close to the situation. It is easy for me to sit here at my computer and type out all sorts of advice, but it is far more harder and bordering on impossible (impossible = I'm Possible) for a parent who has a connection, and feelings all tied up into the situation to always see and do what is the best for their child.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I ask God's blessing on all of you and your situation. Put God first and all will be well.

Oh, and one more thing I have learned and works so very well in all situations. Go to God, place your daughter's hand in Jesus' hand and give her to him to care and raise. Thank him for loaning her to you to love and care for her and tell him you will continue to do your part to the best of your ability, but you know that all of us are his children and she needs her biggest Daddy's help right now. Do not take her hand back, leave it in Jesus' hand. Than sit back and watch, you will be amazed at what will happen next. But if you take her hand out of his it will not happen.

One last thing I wish to say here and I will step down from the speaker's box. Please take my advice for what you find it of worth to you. It is only worthless words on a message board out in cyber space some where. They are just ramblings of a key board connected to a computer some where out there. If they have meaning or are of any help to you, please use them and hope they work for you. If they don't have any value or use to you, just chalk them up to the ramblings of an old woman who wanted to help and cared enough to try.

As we all walk through this life we will touch many people. Some we will make a difference or an impact in their lives, some we may just brush them slightly as we go by and others we may pass by totally un-noticed. May all those who need it feel our hugs as we walk with them or pass by.

Give your daughter LOTS of hugs and tell her I understand but say nothing more. We kids thrive on compassion, understanding and plenty of hugs, even us big kids. :-))

Hill

A problem is just a challenge waiting to be conquered.

Impossibilities are just possibilities waiting to be made possible.

You can't stop the curve balls of life but you can choose how you will handle them.

[This message has been edited by Hillbillee (edited August 14, 2002).]

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