Pigzzilla Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 My Mom was 80. She had dementia, diabetes, and a hip replaced. I love her but I do not like her. She was mean and spiteful. Her only friends were those who could do something for her, when they stopped doing they were no longer useful to her. My 2 sisters feel the same as I do. This is so sad to feel this way about my Mom. I am the oldest of 3 girls. Kay is 2 years younger than me and Lyn 13 years younger. Mom married my stepdad when I was 6. We lived with my grandparents til she married. Pete is the greatest Dad ever. He put up with Mom for over 50 years. He is now 87 and in excellent health. Mom has said she seriously hates him cause he is so healthy. Mom fell about 4 years ago and had a hip replaced. She refused to do the exercises the doctors and therapists wanted her to do. They recommended she swim but she refused because "someone would look at her and see the scars". We all told her that the people at the pool would be like her, older and recovering from surgerys. But she was determined not to anything to help herself. She developed diabetes. I argued with her for years that she must cut back on drinking, so for a little while she cut back on the Scotch and drank more wine. She began eating less. She was told she must stop smoking, but that was like talking to a rock. "Smoking?? I'm not smoking- you must be smelling it on my jacket. I guess I need to send it to the cleaners." She has had several falls in the last year. None serious, but more and more frequent. Eating less and less. Sometimes she would fall and be so weak, dad would take her to the doctor where she would deny falling. Told the Dr. she quit smoking months ago, then set off alarms in the bathroom cause she lit up. She was finally diagnosed with dementia about 6 months ago. That helped explain some of her recent behavior. Last Wed. she fell again and was very weak. Dad took her to the hospital. On Thurs. she was transferred to a rehab-recovery facility. Yesterday the Doctor said she would most likely be like this for several months, so Dad and Lyn suggested Kay and I make the trip again soon. Kay lives in Texas and I'm almost 700 miles north of Mom and Dad and Lyn. We had been putting off doing some work on my truck but got busy. Figured I could leave first thing in the morning. I hate to fly. Kay got an early flight form Houston. Lyn picked her up and they went to see Mom. She was all dressed, hair fixed and some makeup on. Real chipper. They visited awhile til Lyn had to leave to take her DD to an appointment. About an hour later, Mom had a seizure and became unconsious. The staff wanted to have her taken to the hospital, but Dad said NO. Let God have her. So she passed away about 5:30 this afternoon. I am going to fly down in the morning and probably stay about a week. Don't know if Dad got a new computer or not. His croaked its last a few weeks ago. Please don't hate me for the way I feel about her. Like I said, I love her but don't like her. Strange way to feel about someone..............Pigzzilla Today is Tuesday Dec. 29, 2009 Link to comment
Granny Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Oh sweetie, no one will hate you at all. It’s natural to love someone and yet dislike some of their behaviors. For whatever reason mom chose to do or not do certain things. Particularly those regarding her health were still her choice and you shouldn’t feel bad couldn’t get her to change. Maybe some of the meaness was her own disappointment in self and being a bit miserable not being able to find a balance in all things. Praying for your safe trip to gather with family. And that you’ll find comfort in knowing she lived a long life and is no longer in any pain or suffering. It sounds like she chose a great stepfather for her girls all those years ago. I’m so glad you’re able to go and all of you be together during this sad time. Oh! And I'm pretty impressed with 87 year old regularly using computer. I doubt my own parents would've had much interest in learning "new fangled technology" lol. (((hugs))) Link to comment
Virginia Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 So sorry for your loss. I do understand the mixed emotions completely. Isn't it strange that the person who can be so difficult never feels guilty, but those that love them do feel guilty. Link to comment
Christy Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Dear Pigzilla, I am sorry for your loss. Also sorry for the fact you didn't have a warm, caring mother. My life practically just began after my mother has died so I know how you feel. I loved her cos she was my mother but didn't find much to like. So here's to hoping you can find just one good memory about your mother. Even if it takes some deep digging, I hope you can find one good thing and then it'll be so much easier. If you feel like an explanation on that, feel free to PM. It goes rather deep to explain and I want to respect your feelings. Link to comment
Annarchy Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 My condolences to you and your family. you have a safe trip. Link to comment
S.K. Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 i understand where you are coming from . my mom is like your mom wants someone to wait on her, do for her and so on. i have not talked to my mom in months well about 9 . my dad passed away january 26th this year and when he passed i asked God why take my dad why not my mom. i know i should not of done that but thats how i felt. my mon even kicked my dad out of her house 8 years ago because my youngest sister (5 of us total all girls) did not like something he said goes to show how much love my mom has. she has 22 grand kids out of them 4 the ones that live with her she does everything for only them and the sister that lives with her treats her like dirt. just know you have the right to feel the way you do. With all that your going threw i pray that you can have peace and strength. your family is in my prayers. Link to comment
ScrubbieLady Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I am so sorry. Both for the immediate loss and for the things that have happened that affected the relationship you had with your Mom. So glad you have a wonderful Dad. Link to comment
TurtleMama Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Dearest Pigzilla, don't let that guilt consume you. I think that you will find there are many, many people who understand the "love, but not like" conundrum that we can encounter with members of our families. I know I do. I pray that God will bless you with comfort found in your sisters and father (and thank God for him...it sounds like he has held your family together for many years -- he must be an amazing person), and that you will experience healing and peace in the coming weeks and months. Link to comment
mommato3boys Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Don't feel bad hon, I have the same feelings for my mother. I love her but I don't like her, I don't have that lovey dovey mother daughter relationship either so I totally understand where you are coming from. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Link to comment
Becca_Anne Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I'm so sorry for your loss! It's ok to have mixed emotions about your mom. Relationships are complicated and people don't always treat their loved ones as they should. Link to comment
Stephanie Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Have a safe trip and I hope perhaps you can have some closure and healing while there. Link to comment
Mt_Rider Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Same thots. Relationships vary. Treating our difficult family members with the respect they deserve [simply because of their relationship to us]....and honoring them for the good we can find in them.... it's tough but worthy of our effort. But sometimes we don't spend a lot of time with them. Not required. Sometimes it's dangerous or simply tooo toxic. Be at ease about that, Pigzilla. The next few days/weeks may be tense with others of the family too. We'll pray that God's peace will mellow out the tempers and anxiety and tension that go with the passing of a family member. Many are at their worst selves when it comes to funerals and saying goodbye. I pray that you will have some important and poignant moments in the coming days that are worthy to remember and cherish. MtRider Link to comment
WormGuy Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I have some of the same feelings in my family Pigzilla, you are not alone. I pray you will find some peace and closure in the coming days. John Link to comment
snapshotmiki Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Sure understand the mixed emotions and will be praying for you and your family. Link to comment
out_of_the_ordinary Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 ((Pigzilla)) I'm sorry for your loss. I understand the family issues. You are not alone there. Link to comment
The MacKinnon Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Prayers for you all, Pigzilla, especially for peace and grace. Take care. Link to comment
ol'momma Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I know from experience that there's nothing quite like the guilt you feel after you've lost a parent that you can't respect. You have my sympathy and prayers. Link to comment
kathy003 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 So sorry for your loss. My DH had a father that was difficult to be around. Things with my father in law were never pleasant no matter how my husband tried. I hope you can move forward, enjoy the relationship with your step dad that sounds like a wonderful person Link to comment
carr Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 So sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you!! Link to comment
Cat Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Amazing, isn't it, how honesty can help you find the friends who know *exactly* what you're feeling? ((((((((Pigzzilla)))))))) May your heart find comfort in your sisters and your stepfather. It was wise of him to let her go instead of prolonging the process. As you continue to sift through your feelings, feel free to write about it, either here, or in the ladies' forum, or in a private blog for only you. Writing things down can be helpful, even theraputic. God bless you, and we'll be here foryou... Link to comment
Simone Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 I, too, can relate to your feelings. My "mother" is in her eighties. She wants nothing to do with me, or her ONLY grandchildren. The only way she wants a "relationship" with them, is if I (or a magic unicorn???), delivers them to her house, and then I am supposed to disappear. She never calls me or them. I also have an older sister who completely ignores us. I do have a younger brother - he lives far away and I don't hear from him, unless I call him. He is friendly when I call but.......I find myself wondering if he is just tolerating my calls (infrequent as they are), because he never calls me. I probably will not call him again. I am, and always have been, the "black sheep" of my family of origin, as you can see! I have never understood them. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.