Who cares for a relative?

[Guest Guest]

I made this great post earlier and it is somewhere in no mans land...gone forever but I will see if I can remember what I posted. sigh

I have a 72 yr mother and 95 yr grandmother. Both have been at my house for a bit this year due to illness. This is a major first for both of them. They both live alone and in fact my mom still works.

Dh and I are looking into the future and seeing that one or both will need full time care at some time in the somewhat near future. Our current house is not equiped to handle anyone else full time.

We are looking at building a house that would have an area for us and a wing for either of them. The wing would be a "universal design" type thing where there are lower counters, no thresholds, no stairs, that kind of thing. Not quite handicapped designed but helpful.

Has anyone else done this? Do you have an elderly relative living with you and what were some of the "physical" issues you had. I think I pretty well know the "emotional" issues involved but we are looking at the physical/logistical part right now.

Any tips you could give me would be appreciated.

[mrszouave]

Hi Tyndalelady!

(BTW) i Hate when that happens!

We had my Mom (also 72) live with us before and after her heart operation for about 6 months. Most of the time she was too sick to do anything but sleep.

Showers were a big problem because we have one of those old claw feet tubs and they are kindof high and hard to get in and out of.

I put a chair with the back facing the tub so she could lean on it to get in and out easier.(with help) And one of those shower chairs so she could sit inside the shower/tub.

Her diet was different than ours (at the time) and we cooked her meals separately.

It's smart to think ahead. If you can afford it, your plan is a great one.

A shower without much of a threshold and a built in shower seat would be helpful. Higher toilet seat with railings too.

But i'm sure you know all that.

I think it's great that you are such a loving daugher/granddaughter and your hubby is so supportive too.

I'm not sure i contributed anything. Sorry!

And i wanted to just say Hello!

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[logcabinmama]

Missy, we did have DH's mom with us for about 10 years.

You are doing a great thing to help older family members. It looks like you are thinking ahead to the time they can no longer climb stairs and such, this is good.

Like Debbie said, one things that is a must is a shower that is easy to get in and a place to set. They make nice showers for handicap people now days, and it is nice for anyone. And again, Debbie was right about the stool in the bathroom, it needs to be a little higher and handrails by it.

From the sounds of your post, the wing would be where they could do some of their own cooking also, is that right? Sometimes you can find stoves with the switches on the front, that would prevent them from having to reach over the burners to turn it on and off. Light weight kettles and such is a help for older people too. Lightweight dishes, or dishes that won't break would be good too.

Light switches are sometimes hard for crippled hands as well as door knobs. Dimmer switches are usable for the lights and a lever type knob is good for doors.

Please let us know what you end up doing.

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[Guest Guest]

We do...I'll post later...

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[Guest Guest]

really hard for me to post on this subject...first a man...second the "quality" of life...maybe later...you are not alone..Ed

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[Guest Guest]

Think about it? yep! when my Father died 2 years ago.

I am giving my Mother some land to build a house... of her dreams (I hope). She will be down the road. One of the things we talked about was making sure this house was wheel chair accessable. This means hand rails, no steps, shower that a wheel chair can access, and wider hall ways.

She is going to build a home with 2 master bedrooms and master bathrooms. This way if she needs live in assistance they will have their own bed and bath. If not then she has a pretty awe some guest room!

While my mother doesn't need any of this right now, there will come a day when she will need something. She is just to darn fisty to go live in a home or a retirement center! She loves to ride her motorcycle and Quad!

Plan for wheel chair accessability and everything that goes with that kind of disability. Plan for a live in health care provider. While doing it your self is admirable, it is impossible to do 24/7 especially when you have a family needing to be taken care of.

More on this after we talk to an architect around October.

 

[Guest Guest]

That is exactly what we are doing. Planning. Actually we are in the musing stage, not truly planning yet.

Mom and grmother are both terribly healthy on the whole and neither need help today. But we know the future is out there.

The idea of 2 master suites is great. WE had been thinking of 2 bedrooms but not 2 full master suites. Thank you.

Ed, I would love to hear what you have to say on this subject. It sounds like you are right in the middle of this and would have some great insights. Please do share.

[Guest Guest]

Yes, My FIL is is in his "80's..Proud man..WW2 Vet..20 years..and 20 with postal service..it is unique to say the least..he has memory "lapses"..He lives with us..he is family...He is Peggy's dad...I shave him..I have to do toiltte things...We do all we can..as we love him...hard in life?...yes..love older people?...yes..Ed

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[Guest Guest]

Oh yes!

Been there. Done that.

We actually built an "apartment" specially designed for my grandma who eventually became wheelchair bound. Believe it or not, one of our difficulties was the passageways and doorways. They should have been WIDER. We could not even wheel her into the bathroom and swing her around to face the sink. It would have been easier for her to reach the sink from her side to use her good arm. That was not even possible. Space is a big issue. You will be surprised at how much space you will need to manuver. Also you have no idea what kind of equipment you will eventually need. We needed space for hydraulic lifts in order to get her from the wheelchair to the bed, for example. Don't trust those "experts" who design for these needs. Later you cannot move walls.... Go for LOTS of extra footage everywhere...

[Guest Guest]

Thanks Ed. I know it is hard. Yeah, we did all that earlier this year with my grandmother. A tough old broad at 95. She is a joy and a trip all at the same time.

We are looking at this again and still and re-looking again.

Thank you everyone.

[Guest Guest]

Major things: WIDE doorways (36" or better), plenty of turn around room in all rooms for a wheelchair, good lighting,slip proof floors,no SHARP edges on corners,and GOOD security.. ......Somethings to think about: A room added for a 24 hr live in care povider, an emergency call light or intercom (in EACH room),a buzzer or some type of ALERT system on the entrance/exit doors (in case of wandering or stranger invasion),a safe for the person to keep their valubles,a place to LOCK UP meds................EVEN THOUGH your mother and grandmother may be in fair health now,they are both elderly and there may become a time when they WILL NEED a care provider.....Even though a care provider may PASS a criminal back ground check,they STILL might NOT be trust worthy OR they may NOT REALLY HAVE the compassion or skill that they will display when others are around....Though 8 years of caring for my own DS, I have found out this first hand to be the case sometimes.........There IS a PRIVACY ISSUE in doing THIS but to safe guard against Care provider abuse (neglect,etc),(WITH my DS PERMISSION), I have installed a vidio camera (one that I can see ,hear and record from my bedroom where ONLY I see it),in my DS's room near his hospital bed............. IF the person BECOMES critical or bedridden, you may in the future want to consider that option..... ........Light colors and windows with a scenic view and potted plants are another thing to add as they help to ward off depression for the homebound..........Hope ANY of this helps .......Hugs,Oregonrose

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[Guest Guest]

To All..good post on a very serious subject..."you guys" are the best!..very hard as all has posted...let us all know how things go...Me?..I would never let anybody wipe my....arrrggg!...never mind...and many ..those that do..you are special people.."healthy" is taken for "granted" .."WE KNOW".late at night....Have you ever seen a person die?.. 2 ways..Sudden or "prolonged"..Sudden "Shocks"..Prolong.. as is cancer etc... you can prepare emotionly

Sorry 2 in the AM..and talking about death...not been a stranger to me...I talk not as a Mod here..just a person who is too young to see too much...Gee? woman site? I will do all I can to help FIL...now it is starting to affect our lives...there comes a time for serious thoughts...when is the "breaking point"? I can not answer that..Well Ed "Spilled his guts" on this one..hits home..I could use some relgious stuff to quote..breaking my own rules..down in "what if" forum...Life is hard on some...Read into this post..as I am a bad typer...Regards all...Ed

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[Guest Guest]

When my Mom built her new home 3 years ago, she did alot of things to plan ahead.

She has a large kitchen with an island, and she bumped out the walls by 2 ft so that a wheelchair will go all the way around the island. She added a lot of electrical outlets to the island as they are easier to reach. All of the stairs in the house, and to the house are only 5" high instead of the standard..what..8 or 9". She did that for now as she has arthritis. She made sure that there is room in the garage to build a ramp up to the back door when necessary, for a wheel chair. She also included a 3 car garage so she will always have plenty of room to get in and out of the car, and to store things in the 3rd car when she can no longer do stairs. There is a pull down stair way to the attic in the garage too.

She had floor electrical outlets put in all the rooms where she wanted lamps, so there will never be electrical cords to trip over. In the guest room, the TV was mounted on the wall, and an electrical outlet was put high on the wall so the cord wouldn't be seen, and by putting it on the wall, she preserved dresser space.

She added a foot to all of the hallways, and had rounded corners put in. The door to her bedroom is a double door, and the door to her bathroom is an extra wide pocket door. She has a very long counter, like for two sinks, but she only has one, and left the space beneath the counter free at one end so she can put a chair there to do her hair and makeup. She has a large, deep garden tub, but also a large shower that a wheelchair would wheel into easily. Handicapped toilets were installed as they are easier on arthritic knees.

The door to her deck is a double door, and only steps down two inches, so a chair could roll over it. Her deck is very large as she spends alot of time outside.

She included a fireplace with lower switches. She included built in lighting, like nightlights going down the stairs, and along the hallways as older people have a harder time seeing at night. Planning ahead for winter power outages, she included a wood burning stove downstairs for heat. If we ever have to move in to take care of her, we will build a suite downstairs.

Oh, and SO important.....a laundry room on the main level. The linen closet and pantry are both huge, so a chair could get in there.

Outside, she kept grass to a minimum, and laid a lot of rock, and 3 raised veggies gardens. She hires a man to do her yard work, and he mows, edges, and sprays poisen on the rocks where weeds come through for $20 a week. Her house is as maintenance free as she could possibly make it.

That's all I can think of right now.

[Guest Guest]

Hello tyndalelady, I have not had the opportunity to do that for any of my loved ones and probably won't since they are all so independent that my DF will die working on something some where and my DM has decided she is going to go into a nursing home some where when that time comes. My DH's Mom will be taken care of by DH's brother and wife since she gave everything to them and her home is behind theirs.

I have worked in health care and mostly home care for over 25 years and I had the definite pleasure to have taken care of one lovely lady who had such a set-up as you described and it was so wonderful.

 

The floors were all wooden because it was the safest. There was no rugs or carpeting. Everything was level and even.

The bathroom had a tiled, walk in shower with a chair in it. The chair had a back, arms and foot rests on it and was made of sturdy PVC pipe so it could handle any weight and also provided her a place to rest her arms and feet so they wouldn't be hanging and pulling or straining her muscles. The seat and back was open in the center for bathing. The legs were adjustable to compensate for height. The back was adjustable so that it could be pulled down in an reclining position and the foot rests were adjustable like those on a wheel chair, so they could be adjusted up into a foot rest position. They both had several adjustments you could choose from so the person could be adjusted comfortably and easily for hair care or foot care.

On the walls of the shower were plumbing pipes for handles to support yourself. On the walls were wire shelving that was plastic coated. They were placed at just the right height for the occupant to reach everything and bathe themselves as much as they are able. It also had an emergency cord she could pull if she ever needed anything or had a problem.

The bathroom was built in such a way that the person getting the bath could be wheeled into the shower in a wheel chair and transferred to the shower chair. And there was plenty of room for a person to get in this shower with them and do or assist with the bathing.

The chair also had locking wheels so it could be turned or taken out of the shower if neccessary.

The furniture was all set at the needed height so she could easily get up off it without too much trouble. Her chair was firm and adjustable. Firm furniture offers more support and is easier for a person who is lacking in strength to get up off from. She also had a trapease on rollers so it could go with her where ever she choose to sit. A trapease is a handle in the shape of a triangle and hangs down from a bar, it is made to help a person who is limited be able to use their arms to pull themselves up with it. The wheels were locking for safety and it made it possible for her to exercise as much freedom as possible.

The wing had a small kitchen and living room but most of her meals were brought in to her. She had her own phone and there was a message center between her wing and the main part of the house. The message center had a pad of paper and a pen for notes and a door that closed on both sides for privacy. That way they could pass notes back and forth when ever privacy was needed.

Her daughter checked in on her often to make sure she was ok and didn't need anything but still gave her as much privacy as she desired.

The entrance and the door to her screened in porch both were level with the floor and ground so there was no uneven levels to trip on. They built her a small screened in porch so she could enjoy the outdoors with out the elements. She had plants hung around in it and also they gave her a couple of parakeets in separate cages to sing to her so she had as much of the outdoors as they could provide to her.

She had all the comforts of home and as much of a set up as they could provide for her to be as independent as possible but yet have all the privacy she desired and the security of feeling like she was in her very own home and not creating a burdon on her children.

If you can think of any questions you want to ask, feel free to ask them, Not sure if I can answer them but if I can't I will look for an answer for you.

Hill

A problem is just a challenge waiting to be conquered.

Impossibilities are just possibilities waiting to be made possible.

You can't stop the curve balls of life but you can choose how you will handle them.

 

[Guest Guest]

We, obviously, have been thinking about this alot lately. This weekend we were able to go to an estate sale that had a mother in laws wing (about 1500 sq ft...huge house) that was a universal design. I told dh that I did not care about my mom, I wanted a house like this.

It incorporated many of the ideas here. Lower switches, higher plugs, fantastic shower for a wheelchair etc. It was so nice and did not look "handicapped" at all.

I am printing everything here so that we can use this stuff as we go on. Thanks

[The WE2's]

Very close to this gal's heart. My first husband survived a brain tumor for 26 years...and I took care of him. We were married for 42 years. The last 3 years were the hardest because he ended up having a colostomy and just couldn't understand what that "thing" was on his tummy and of course wasn't able to do the maintenance on it. I had to have an aide come help during the day during those last 3 years. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest and least recognized parts of loving. My mom is 87. We bought her "homestead" and she lives there paying $1 a year. We take care of the maintenance etc. and pay her a monthly payment on the homestead (we let her trust make the loan to us). This takes the financial responsibility away from her and gives her another source of income to her social security without putting her in a "over the top" income level. I've since met and married a wonderful hubby and we do all the things I wasn't able to do for 26 years. God is good! He rewards in His own ways.

[Daylily]

good for you!

 

One thing we did when we built our house was put lever handles for all doors and all faucets. I had tendonitis in my hands for awhile and absolutely could not open or turn on anything with a knob.

[kappydell]

I was my husbands caregiver, too. Some things he expecially appreciated: a small micro and low (easier to get to) freezer so he could get out and makE snacks on his own. Room for the wheelchair so he could 'scoot' along using his feet from place to place. I am learning from experience that walkers need a wider turn radius, too. A large white board for writing and a bulletin board for a calendar (losing track of time and what day it is are common when one has no job or such to 'anchor' one's time sense)was a thing he appreciated, once I convincd him it helped organize things for me, too (he was afraid it meant he was losing his memory). I could write on it any upcoming appointments, and even "today is tuesday, remember, tomorrow is your doctor's appointment, rain is expected today and tomorrow" and such things noted on the board helped him to orient on bad days. (I liked it too, it put all the info in one place - calendar, tacked up doctor's business cards, etc.) The lowered counters also one or two work stations (counters with no cabinets below, kind of like a built in desk and wide enough for a wheelchair) and such are precious aids to independence, making it possible to do so many more things. I would have had one work station with a built-in cutting board for working with sharp things (cooking knives) or tools (screwdrivers) that might slip. If you can find a copy of a little book, "Aids to Make You Able: Self Help Devices and Ideas for the Disabled" (ww.alibris.com) or "Disabled Villge Children" by Hesperian.org (they have downloads for free) they have soooo many DIY things for making life more accessible. They were inspiring, too; many of our outdoor 'disabled par-course' items were inspired by them. (His physical therapist was amazed at what we had done.) It is wise of you to plan ahead and make things safer for your parents, and a very precious gift as well. You will always remember and treasure the extra time you have together.

Edited September 18, 2012 by kappydell