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Carie

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Got a letter from my mother this past week. Almost 10 pages of accusations, lies and manipulation. According to her (it could be her lying again, I don't know) some of my friends from facebook have been telling her what I say on Facebook. I don't air our dirty laundry on FB. Occassionally I will comment about how things aren't going to well, or how I feel alone or how hard stuff is. I do ask for prayers about the house selling. According to my mom (could be a lie, who knows) someone from my church has been telling her things that we/I say there. We go to a very small church. Very small. On the other side of the county. I can think of only 1 couple from my church that even know my parents. If it was them (I put out feelers to this person and didn't get an admission) I have no doubt that they thought they were being helpful. But I feel betrayed. By everyone. Someone told my mom that I was feeling abandoned (which I do) so she proceeded to inform me of how that wasn't true and how terrible it was of me to say those things. Thank you mom. She ended the letter by letting us know that since she heard on fB that we were selling our house (we told her 9 months ago we weren't staying here) that my dad owns our water meter not us and that we would be in legal trouble if we should the house claiming that it had water. Dh made a quick trip into the water company to confirm that it was true.

 

***side-note for those that may just be reading this. When my parents "gave" us this land we accepted 3.81 acres where our trailer currently was, up a lane from the road. The deed for our land includes as "right-of-way" easement to the driveway. We assumed that included the utilities that run next to the driveway. Apparently not. According to the water company, THEY own the meter, but since it is on my father's property, he controls it and the water lines that aren't on our property. Which is most of it. Although we pay the bill for that meter (our water usage and my brother - the troublemakers - water usage) we have no control of the water. My father owns all the land around us. We haven't asked if they would give us an easement but if they were going to why wouldn't they just do it? She made it sound like this property wasn't going to get water if we moved. ***

 

 

Dh is angry. He feels that we have no other option but to file bankruptcy but since he doesn't want to do that and ruin his credit he has decided that we will just stay here, accept the continual escalating harrassment and be miserable for the rest of our lives. His words. I am devasted. Not only do I not feel safe at home or around my home but now I don't feel safe on FB or at my church with all my friends. If I was lonely before I have now been transplanted to the most remote reaches of space.

 

Dh is also angry at God. I get that. But he is refusing to pray and won't be going to church with us any more. I dont' want him to move away from God. God is our only help in time of trouble. I dont' know if I can bear this if I dont' think he has God with him. Where is God? We need him. Badly. And it seems like he isn't here anymore. I feel so alone.

 

I went to my 6 month dr. appt Friday. I have PCOS. I am supposed to be on a exercise program and strict low carb diet. My insulin #'s are out of control. The dr. was grouching, nicely, at me. Said I needed to eat better and exercise more. How do you explain that some days the only thing that makes me smile are the brownies. How do I explain to him that I don't feel safe walking anymore (my prefered exercise I love to walk but won't walk on this road because we are harrassed). I practically begged for antidepressents but he told me to get some sunshine. And my dh didn't bother to ask how my appt. went.

 

I'm crying. The tears just won't stop. I can't even explain how I feel. I'm not going to church this morning because I will just sit there and cry and I don't know who will report back to my parents.

 

I guess I should quit rambling. I try to remember that there are those with cancer or the tornado victims that are worse off than me, but I just can't drag myself up out of the dark. Its been really dark here and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Our minister (and my counselor) is coming for dinner tonight. He is hoping to convince Norman that we need to leave and explain our different options to him. My minister wants me to take the kids and go to my friends house down the road so that maybe Norman will understand that emotionally I can't be here anymore. Dh comes from a broken childhood though and I am afraid that will backfire. I'm not sure the older boys would go for it anyway. They are like their dad. I love him. I don't want to leave him. But I don't know if I can live like this forever. I've given it to God. Really I have. But there seems to be no hope anymore.

 

Carie

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:hug3: Patience, my Dear.

 

God can do miracles... He's in the business of doing just that. Whatever He is doing, there's a reason.

 

Your mother is a master manipulator... did you realize that yet?? :happy0203: She has just succeeded in cutting you off completely from your friends... make you distrust *everybody* around you.

 

Facebook... check your security settings and be sure that nobody else can see what you type unless you allow it. If you need help figuring those settings out, come back and ask, and I'll make a post about it. Many times a friend of a friend of a loose-lipped friend can see your posts.

 

Church... your mother was probably the one who instigated any conversation that you see as a betrayal. She probably came across as the poor, confused, loving mother who is "deeply concerned" about the increasingly confusing behavior by her daughter. *IF* it happened, they should not have said anything, but in loving circles sometimes mistakes are made. They didn't know how your mother would use it.

 

Ask for prayer, but always make it "unspecified" prayer... don't give out any details. God will work it out His way. But don't turn your back on the church... they might end up being the help you need. Encourage DH to turn to God, but don't push... pray and "love him" back to Him.

 

I hope your pastor is a wise man. But I can't see where taking the children away, "moving out" even for a short time, could be helpful. It is abandoning your husband at a time when he needs you most. And with his childhood, it sounds like *BIG* trouble.

 

There is hope... God is still God. Your husband still loves you, the children need you both to be strong, and this *WILL* work out. It may not be tomorrow, and it may end up being a surprise, but God takes care of His own.

 

**Praying for God to surround you with His peace today.**

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Carie, so sorry for all the mess you are going through. It is so difficult to wait on God when EVERYTHING is causing so much pain. Even though there are others with cancer or tornado destruction, that does not diminish your suffering.

 

I agree with Cat. We would hate bankruptcy, too, but if it saved your family, health, marriage, sanity, it might need to be considered. If that would allow you to move and get a new start, it is an option.

 

Know you have friends here who really care, are praying and want God's best for you. God knows how your husband is suffering, and I do not believe that God will turn His back on your DH just because your DH is struggling now.

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Photocopy the letter. Mark the copy with one color for true, one color for mostly true, one color for mostly false, one color for false.

 

Bankruptcy is hard. Been there. It's not as hard as living with people who not only make you miserable but model toxic family values and family roles for your children to absorb. BTW, if you can handle filling out a ton of forms, you don't need a lawyer. You just need to go to nolo.com and follow instructions to the letter. If you can't handle filling out a ton of forms, a lawyer is going to frustrate you to kingdom come.

 

How hard would it be to drill a well? You can tell the family either they give you a document acknowledging the easement includes the utility right-of-way, or you will have a well-driller in here next week and they can pay for their own water (and brother's) from now on. This is best done through a reliable third party, such as a lawyer or minister. But only if you're willing to follow through.

 

If you were to find a chart of behaviors common to alcoholic and clinically disfunctional families, you might find a shocking amount of it very familiar.

This is not the best site I've seen--it's just the first a quick search turned up: http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/053_thirteen_ways_to_recognize_acoa.html

Edited by Ambergris

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Dearest Carie :hug3:,

 

I am so terribly sorry for the pain that you are going through.

 

I'm afraid that I have no words of advice to add -- I think that the ladies who have counseled you so far have given excellent advice -- but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family.

 

Don't give up, honey. Reach out to God, He will ALWAYS be there. We will be, too.

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My goodness! You really have been through it, haven't you?

 

The others have given you some really good advice about your spiritual well-being and your internet well-being.... I'm going to focus on your physical well-being.

 

Exercise... my preferred method of exercise is jogging. I crave the runner's high and it really helps with my seasonal affective disorder. However, I live in a city and don't like to jog on uneven sidewalks or in parks that don't feel safe to me. I hate driving and avoid it at all costs and it seems *dumb* to have to drive someplace in order to go jogging. So, in that sense, I am trapped by my environment when it comes to exercising in my prefered manner. I use a treadmill. I am inside the house and don't feel as though I am on display. If there is no money for a treadmill, then set up a walking course in the house and blast your favorite music while you walk through. Not perfect, I know... But it will give you an opportunity to get some stress-relief from the issues.

 

In your case, you do have 3 1/2 acres at your disposal. I would set up a walking trail or path that goes around your property so that you don't have to walk on the road and feel as though your relatives are watching you. If I had 3 1/2 acres, I'd probably set up my own cross country route just to avoid having to jog on a country road with ditches on each side!

 

Another thing... Have you thought about renting out your current home to someone else? Depending on where you live, you may get a decent amount in rent and maybe more than what you are currently paying in a mortgage. This would avoid the need for bankruptcy.

 

Another possibility...Buy another home for your family and then file for bankruptcy. I don't know the laws in your state, but if they allow you to keep your primary home, then the new home could be considered as the primary, while the old one is lost in the bankruptcy. It isn't an ideal situation, but once most people have a home, the need for good credit diminishes somewhat. You could always build the credit back up.

 

One last thing...Friends are wonderful to have but you do have to guard yourself. Keep your current friends at arms length until you figure out who talked to your mom. There is no need for you to completely isolate yourself. Just don't tell all of your friends everything that is going on. Remember that all of your friends at church did not betray you... There was probably only one who spilled the beans and probably because they thought that they were helping you. You still have friends out there...

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what was said was great so I don't have to add much.

How is the water in your area for people who have wells?

If it is drinkable - have one dug for you and then STOP paying for the meter! The money you spend on the meter is high I bet seeing they don't pay for any of it. So the money you have to spend on the well will be about the same for you as pay for the water meter over a few months?

 

When you sell the 'home' haveing water will get you moe money then if it has 'shared' water anyway so you should get most of the cost back when you sell?

:AmishMichaelstraw:

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I was talking to DH about this. He says it's likely hooked up to city water and must continue to be done. But he says that *maybe* you could ask the city to reinstall a new line and meter under your own name. Redundant, but your *own*. The city can cut off the old one.

 

That said, just knowing about the water meter controversy will most likely scare away any potential buyers. :(

 

If you install your own, do it fast and quietly.

 

:bighug2:

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I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to say the even though you feel that God isn't there, He is! Faith is believing what you can't see and what you can't feel.

 

It sounds to me like your DH is suffering as well and that you and the kids leaving wouldn't help him any. He probably understands how hard it is for you but just doens't know what to do about it. He's probably frustrated at his inability to "fix it" for you and doesn't know how to express that to you. Don't let your mother and father separate you and your DH. You need each other for support. You have to be on the same side! I'll be praying for you and your situation. God has a plan. Sometimes just when we think we can't take anymore, He works it all out better than we could have imagined.

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