Advise on mom?

[goatherder]

My mom is 79 years old with severe emphysema and possible heart issues. We went to the cardiologist and he ordered an ultrasound which was done today. We should have the results by Thursday.

 

The problem? Mom seems to think she can simply go back to her house which is almost 2 hours away and at an elevation of 5000'. The doctor told her that living that far from help and at that elevation was very inadvisable. At this point she doesn't remember which doctor told her what or even what her prescriptions are. She had a couple of breathing meds that she said made her breathing worse and the doc changed them. She doesn't recall that very well.

 

I told her today that it would be irresponsible of me to take her home and leave her without her having a firm back up plan in place. She insists that because she has oxygen (24 hours a day!) she will be able to breath up there. We've tried it more than once. It doesn't work. I want her to rent a small apartment or condo less than five minutes from me, but she doesn't want to. She insists that you can't just pack your suitcase and move even though she has been camped out on me for about two years now.

 

What can I do? I have to go back to work Monday and can't be running up and down the road to see to her needs every other day.

[Virginia]

Since I am dealing with an 88 yo father who is really a challenge, I can sympathize.

 

IMHO, she is a danger to herself since she cannot make wise health decisions. Of course, you will probably have to go to court to "make" her move, but there is a limit to what you can do otherwise. So sorry for the struggle.

[goatherder]

Since I am dealing with an 88 yo father who is really a challenge, I can sympathize.

 

IMHO, she is a danger to herself since she cannot make wise health decisions. Of course, you will probably have to go to court to "make" her move, but there is a limit to what you can do otherwise. So sorry for the struggle.

 

How do you cope?

[Dee]

Will her doctor tell her she simply can't go home and live by herself? That's what MIL's doctor told her and she didn't argue with him like she did us. She went to an assisted living facility and quietly accepted it since the doctor made the decision for her.

[Virginia]

Coping is easier some days than others. DS and DB and I "made" him stop driving, difficult when it happened, but that is going pretty well, but now we do have to take him everywhere. He does not want to get out much, though.

 

The hardest part is his arguing about things, repeating himself 3 times in a 3 minute conversation (if you can call it that). I know he would not choose to be this way, but it is still trying. I get ashamed of myself for not being more patient. He is getting more childlike, and wants attention. All this is typical I know, but still difficult to handle on a daily basis. He lives alone, but is next door, and seems to be ever present. He worries that one of us will die before him--and we might!

 

There is a book "The 36 Hour Day" that has helped some. I would not read it at first because the name scared me. I dreaded the idea of each day being 36 hours long.

 

DF is a stubborn man, as your DM must be. BTW, my 100 pound DF is stronger than most 50 yo's out there-JUST ASK HIM, or he might just tell you.

 

I hope you can help her, and asking her doctor to advise her is a good idea.

DF's doctors were not helpful at all with the driving problem, sorry to say.

[Jori]

DH's grandmother turned 90 in January and she still lives in the house that grandpa built. DH's cousin lives there (in the basement) & does most of the household things and FIL checks on her at least once a week. MIL does a lot of her doctors appts to do the driving and hear what she is being told. FIL has medical power of attorney. The dementia has set in very quickly in the past few years but it has progress all of the sudden, she is getting her children (FIL & his sister, brother passed years ago) confused and having to ask if they are so and so.

 

There have been problems over the years (DH and I have been together for 9 years) - sending money to people (scams), multiple phone companies, having to change the phone # because people would call and she would send money, missing bills/forgot to send, misplaced jewelry, etc. The most recent one was in the last two weeks, some guys came to her door and she let them in and they argued with her about them wanting to trim trees for her and she would pay them. She told them no but they cut the limbs and demanded the money. She didn't pay them and they finally left but it's unthinkable what could have happened. DH's cousin is currently working 12 hours a day and not there to help her.

 

FIL is looking at 2 nursing homes because she can't be left alone. It's going to be a fight and we know that because DH's cousin had to disconnect the battery in the car so she couldn't drive. They have talked about taking her to court to have her declared but it's going to be the last resort. We've run into the doctor's not being willing to tell her things because they don't want the liability.

 

I don't know what to tell you but I'll be praying for you because it's not an easy situation or a simple solution.

[Mother]

I am extremely lucky that at almost 90 my own mother still lives by herself, does all her own cleaning and cooking, takes occassional care of her GREAT grand children and is wonderfully supportive of ME. She also lives next door to my brother who sees to all her needs, bless him.

 

It was not so with my MIL who developed alzheimers. She, too, became the unsuspecting prey of unscrupulous people and ended up selling precious family antiques for pennies. Thankfully, she also lived next door to one of her sons, who with my DH had power of att. over her finances. It was left to my DH to do all of the bill paying eventually but my B&SIL had to deal with her physically more than any of us. Eventually he had to take her keys and she spent weeks fussing over them and looking for them thinking she had lost them but then suddenly forgot them totally. We helped as much as we could and finall all four of her sons made the decision that she could not stay alone any longer. We are grateful that she'd made the power of attorneys just after my FIL became ill and died, while she was still in her right mind. She had turned over the finances to DH early in her disease but her other two sons had power of att. over her health decisions and using it was a bit more complicated.

 

The first step was to talk with her doctor and to have him do an evaluation knowing before hand what had been happening. There are certain things they ask them and have them do to accertain if they are capable of staying alone. She wasn't. Thank heavens for small towns, the doctor made a call to her lawyer and the sons were given the right to use their POA to put her in a nursing home. The doctor, her long time doctor, had a talk with her, told her because she was was having health problems he wanted her to go into a 'care facility' for a "little while" to rest and get well. She listened to him where she wouldn't listen to her family and finally agreed. We had medication to give her if we had difficulties getting her to the nursing home but never had to use them. The one moment of clarity that hurt us all was when she stopped in the doorway while leaving and said she felt like she'd never see her home again. It had us all in tears. It was heartbreaking but not as bad as having her stay alone and be in danger.

 

I understand, Goatherder, that your mother is not as advanced but now is the time to at least get something in writing if you can. If nothing else a written statement from her doctor that he feels she cannot or at least shouldn't live in her present home alone. For many years I did elder-care management for people just like your mom who wanted to stay in their own home as long as possible. My duties included seeing to their finances but also to their care, either personally or by hiring it done for them. The situation was different for each depending on their abilities and finances. Many times in the beginning it was a matter of me going in or of hiring someone to come in once or twice a day to check on the person, do whatever cleaning or personal help was needed and perhaps make meals. Finding someone reputable was difficult but in a couple of cases a neighbor was even willing to do it for a small fee. The visiting nurses in her area should have a list of people who do that sort of thing. There are also agencies. They would be more costly but might be covered by your mothers insurance if it was on a Doctor's written orders. There is also the possibility of her insurance covering a visiting nurse to come in a few times a week just to see to her health needs.

 

Here are some of the things I learned in working with the elderly. It is very difficult, both emotionally and physically, for most seniors to move from a home they love or have lived in for years. Just the thought of trying to discard or pack up years of memories is almost impossible for them. I always had to be aware of the emotional feelings of my clients when I was working with them, not just the feelings of their families who usually hired me. I could not just come in and demand they change. Often times they would listen much better to my suggestions than their families but that was simply because I was NOT family and therefor someone whom they had raised and was used to being the 'parent' of. It is very hard for them to give up that role in their life and become the 'child' that needs to be told what to do. I did not go in and just 'take over' unless the situation was very serious but would encourage them to get organized with their daily care and medicines. Sometimes a big pill organizer helps if they are aware enough to know the day and time. With oxygen and breathing enhalers it is a bit harder as you have no control over how much they are using them but at least with the organizers you know if they have forgotten to take their pills or have taken too many of them.

 

By the way, too little oxygen and some of the medications given can cause some COPD patients to act as if they have dementia so be careful to monitor her needs there. Our 47YO son lives next door to us and has severe COPD. Some of his medicines make him extremely irritated but thankfully, with our suggestion, he's been able to get them changed to something less problematic. The elderly are also quite often depressed because of their situation and the doctors can help with that if they are aware of the need. Often they are not unless someone tells them about it. Most elderly and others as well, are not even aware they ARE depressed. Depression can take the form of obstinatance too. And if a person has always been a bit difficult all their life it will be even worse with certain meds.

 

Another suggestion is to get your mother into a Meals-on Wheels program if one is available in your area. Just the fact that someone is going to her home daily means that someone will know if she's okay at that point. You can usually get the service to call you if she doesn't come to the door or is acting strangely when she does. Alerting the local police to her situation might also help. They will often keep a check on the house if nothing else. There is very little way of keeping an elderly person from giving away their money. I have had them try to give it to me when I was helping them. If someone else has control over their finances it helps as usually they are left with enough money to make them feel independent but not too much. Most banks, for a fee, will pay bills for the elderly and in todays world many bills can be paid automatically through the account. Arrangements can sometimes be made with grocery stores to allow the person to shop for whatever they want and the bills be sent to the family or care manager. Beauty salons sometimes will even arrange to come to the home or to pick up and return the person for appointments. Quite often the elderly will agree much quicker to a 'service' taking charge of their finances than someone from the family.

 

The pastors of the person's church, or even just a local church, would almost always agree to make regular visits and will sometimes even help set up a visitation schedule with others in the church. Each aspect of the person's life needs to be examined and a different approach applied to address them. With ingenuity most of the difficulties can be overcome to allow them at least a few more months in their home if they just refuse to move closer to family or go into an assisted care facility.

 

If that is the ultimate destination then the interim care can be geared towards that end by helping them sort through personal belongings and packing them away. Notice I said packing them away, not giving them away. I found it much easier for them to have me help sort through a lifetime of memories with them, letting them tell me all about them while all the while helping them "organize" things in neat boxes to 'store' in an unused area. I would always leave the most important things in their former place so as not to upset them unduly. Later, the family has an easier time disposing of the things that are already packed in neat boxes for them to sort through. Sometimes someone from the family actually did this with them, showing an interest in having some of the items or in wanting them packed away for 'later'. It's somehow easier for them to give something away if they feel the reciever is going to treasure it as much as they do. In some cases where the peron owned their own home, I've seen them agree to pack only a few things and move "temporarily" to an apartment or assisted living with the intention of eventually coming back to the home. Mostly they didn't but sometimes they actually were able to do so.

 

Goatherder, you are right at the hard part of caring for a parent. That transition stage where they are not ready to give up their independence yet. Not ready to become the "child" again. Some never are ready and will fight tooth and nail against it. Depending on your mom's personality it might be better to let her know of your love and your fears for her safety or tell her how much you want to be able to spend time with her and help her but can't do that from afar. Sometimes it helps to turn things around and say you would miss her too much if she went back to her home far away. Sometimes it works to somehow make them think it was their idea in the first place by using reverse psychology. It really all depends on her abilities at this point in her life. You may just have to bite your tongue and wait, doing some of the things I suggested above, if you already haven't tried that in the past, to see to her safety.

 

My heart goes out to you in this situation. This is a very difficult time for both you and your Mom and I hope you will find a solution that works for you both. You will both be in my prayers.

 

((((((Goatherder)))))))

 

[Annarchy]

((((GH))))

 

My mother had medical troubles, I could not keep up with her daily needs. She started making bad decisions and would not listen. My siblings and I had made plans years ago what to do when the time arrived. After a serious medical condition almost killed her, we knew the time had arrived and we sent her to my brother's house where she is doing better. But even now they are considering more advanced arrangements.

 

It is hard, I miss my mother, the way she was before she aged. I know she is in capable hands and surrounded by prayer.

 

 

[goatherder]

Thanks for the replies. Today I checked out an apartment complex not five minutes from me. They have a nice ground floor two bedroom coming available. It will have all new flooring and paint. I told mom that she needed to consider getting her own place nearby, but she just wanted to argue and say that she would just go back to Payson. She wants to ask the doctor about living in AL with her sister (high humidity!!!), but we have already asked about that and the doc said no. Same answer as for higher elevations. She claims we did not ask, but I take notes.

 

I was so irritated I had to leave for awhile.

 

She does things like telling my daughter that her back problems are from a car accident when she has been told numerous times that DD's ex caused them by jerking her down in the shower by the hair. I don't know why she has to be such a horrid person! It's no wonder my older sister and brother got out years ago. I wish I could too.

 

Her attitude about getting an apartment was that we were trying to "put her away somewhere". She claims that she likes to get outside, but she doesn't have the energy and it's always either too hot or too cold. I explained to her (again) that emphysema doesn't get better and she started her "well, maybe I'll just commit suicide" routine. I told her she didn't really have much of a way of doing it and that people who talked like that could be declared incompetent and really put away. That's about the time I had to get out of the house to preserve my sanity!

[Crazy4Canning]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I had to make the choice for my parents. I found 3 places and said, you're moving into one of these, here are options. You choose. They chose an unlikely one, but like it. I would have some options for her. Maybe the family living close by can help with this choice or the move.

 

Good move on the note taking. It's sad we have to do that, but it's necessary.

 

Sometimes leaving when your temper flares is the safest thing. I still have to do it and my folks are now 20 minutes away.

 

I don't know how set up for money you are, but I had to pay all the moving fees, the movers, the carpet cleaners, etc. I even had to help with the packing because my parents well....mom was unable to do anything and dad just shut down.

 

You may need to plan on having someone sleep on her sofa for a few days until she gets used to the new place....

 

My heart goes out to you. I know you'll make a wise choice in caring for your mom.

[Christy]

I don't know why she has to be such a horrid person!

Perhaps because she is an independent person who used to be young. She can probably remember being able to do everything and anything and will be refusing to acknowledge she can't anymore.

As hard as it is to see a parent going down that route, it's a fair bit harder to realize you are slowly but surely losing it and no way back.

[Gunplumber]

Just let her die on her own terms.

 

Oh Mark, how can you be such a ****?!

 

We all have our agency. She isn't violating anyone else's rights. She has been advised. She is, whether you choose to admit it or not, already in the "end of life" phase.

 

The other alternative is to have her certified incompetent and put her in a home. The toughest question to reconcile will be whether your actions are for you or for her.

 

My mom just turned 70. Not particularly old, but she is stubborn as a mule and still runs 5 miles a day. She's going to keel over dead one of these days and it will be exactly as she wants it to be.