Guest Guest Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 Here is a copy of a letter we sent to the school after they told us to back off and leave the school to do the schooling and we need to get counseling and learn how to provide her with a warm, loving home life. If you read between the lines a bit you will figure out that the school was way less than nice to us and raked us over pretty good. Basicly they hold me acountable for all our daughter's problems. We are thinking of pulling her out of the school she is in and placing her into another one. So we are asking for your prayers in this matter, so that what ever discission we make will be the right one for our daughter and not made out of the ill feelings we have with the school system. The school we are thinking of placing her in has a few things to offer our daughter over the school she is presently in. One thing it offers is butcher school and Shannon wants and has been begging to go to butcher school. She has promised us (Promises still have no value or meaning to her, they are empty words to get what she wants.) she will make a good effort to turn in all her work and on time if we will allow her to to move to the other school so she can go to butcher school. Here is the letter......... Rodger and I have been looking over the evaluation that you gave us a copy of. This is the first time I have seen it. I asked Rodger about it and he said he is not aware of ever seeing it before now either. Had we seen it and been aware of it's contents, we would have taken a different approach with Shannon. It tells us a lot that we never knew. It also confirms some of what we have suspected and what Rodger has been saying about Shannon since I have known him. We have always wondered what emotional disability meant. Had we ever had this placed in our hands so we could read it, things would have been a whole lot different. It was our understanding that her only problem lied in math. Reading over this report we begin to see a whole different picture of Shannon and also an explanation as to what we have been seeing in school and at home. A comment was made that we was not cutting her any slack (not exact words but same meaning) for her emotional disability. We understood her emotional disability to have been that she was emotionally immature for her age and we needed to bring her up to where she should be. Looking over the evaluation, we now see things that should have been explained to Rodger way back in Mancelona and explained to me when I entered their lives. Had we known these things we would have been cutting her some slack in the areas we needed to. We as parents want a LOT of good things for Shannon that we never had. We want to see her graduate at the best of her potential, but not be pushed beyond her potential. We are parents trying to figure out what and how to do what is the very best for Shannon. We are trying to show and help her create in her the best person she can be. Someone who makes something of her life and can be independent when living as an adult out there in the world. We don't know the answers, we don't know if what we are doing is right or wrong, we just know we have to try our best. If we try something and it does not work than that means we have to find a better way. If in trying we make a few mistakes, that means we have to correct those mistakes and say I messed up, I was trying but it didn't work, I am sorry. I only want the best for you. Most of the mistakes we have made was due to lack of information. We would have cut Shannon some slack if we had known what her weaknesses or disability really was. We also noticed according to the evaluation that Shannon has had behavioral problems in school long before I came into her life. She has also had the problem with depression, not doing or turning in her homework, relationship problems, problems with sequencing and multi step tasks for a long time. Had I known these things I would have tried to help her with her weak areas instead of contributing to them unknowingly. We both left the meeting feeling like we were failures as parents (especially myself) and like you all felt we was the blame for Shannon's problems. We don't feel you intended to give us that impression but that was how we perceived what was said to us. Especially the opening statement of that meeting. As for the staying after school for study Hall, we are NOT apposed to it. We would be more than happy to have her do that if we could find a way to make it possible. But our work does present some major ostacles. Another obstacle that we do not wish to discuss because it is embarrassing to us, is that we do not always have the money for the extra gas to make extra trips to school to pick her up or to attend extra activities (in case you was wondering why we was not taking an active role in Shannon's basketball.). We wish it was different but reality is that we live from paycheck to paycheck. We try to do what we can but can not do what we wish and need to do financially some times. Money is very tight some times. My job costs me almost as much as I make. When looking at income it looks like I make good money, and I would if I could work close to home. Reality is I am disabled and have to take what I can get. I loose a lot in travel time, miles I have to drive, wear and tear on my car, clothing, insurance, and the hours I have to take a loss on because it took longer than the allotted hours to do a job. We Try to make sure Shannon has a good bath every night, is wearing nice, clean clothing to school and looks like the pretty young lady she is. We try to make sure she gets fed good and has quality snacks aailable to her instead of junk foods.We have went without to ensure she does. Yet we also have tried to present her with a realistic picture, so when we are struggling financially we don't shower her with a lot of things either. She will face tough times in her life and needs to know how to handle them. As for a warm loving environment, we try to do our best there too. Some times our lives get way too busy and we don't have the time. Rodger tries to play with Shannon 3-4 nights a week just for Shannon to turn him down, than complain later that he never spends any time with her. We have bought games to play with Shannon, (board games and electronic) she has played the board games with us a few times but won't play the electronic games with us. Often she will ask us if we can play a game later tonight and when later comes she refuses to play. I have bought her nice things that she has picked out only for her to never touch them. I used to take her places and do things with her but she refuses to do anything with me unless it involves her spending money or making money (which we do as we can afford to). I have planned parties for her. I have planed family nights and ladies nights for her at her request only for her to refuse them(except for one time)when the time comes and throw a fit when she doesn't get her own way. I have tried to treat her and do for her anything I would do for a child of my own. The comment was made about me taking it personal, I have tried my best not to. I have had to make myself back up and regroup many times. I have had to take a step back and examine things closely to TRY and figure out what is best for Shannon and her future. I have had to make myself keep trying when I felt like giving up and walking away. I have been in Shannon's corner when some others were not. I have been asking for counseling for myself, my husband, all of us for over a year. I refused to give up on Shannon and refused to let her Father give up on her when he wanted to. I am not saying here, hey look at the sacrifices I have made. I am saying I am trying to figure out what to do and do it for Shannon. Just like any parent who loves their child would. If I fail, it is not because I didn't try and didn't care. I have also refused to except her disrespect. I will not except disrespect from anyone, I am not singling Shannon out here. I also have on many occasions treated others respectfully even when they were way out of line and did not deserve my respect, and have tried to be an example in words and example for Shannon to see and pattern her behavior by. We have gotten on a weekly basis reports sent to us on Shannon, some times 3-4 a week stating that Shannon is receiving Academic Warnings and the last one had an Academic Ineligibility on it. Rodger and myself are looking at it and thinking our child is failing and we have to do something. We don't understand exactly what those terms mean, to us it means there is a problem some where and we have to do something, but what? Then we go to the meeting you arranged and called us into and you all say she is doing fine. Quite honestly that all has us both very confused. In Mr. Tippett's class she is getting a D. You say that is normal for Shannon, but Mr. Tippett's note says She could improve her grade quickly by turning in a few more assignments. Upon looking over the progress report we see she has failed to turn in assignments 17 times out of 36. That is almost half the time. In Mrs. Howell's class we see the same problem. She has not done, or turned in 20 assignments out of 25. Now to us that says we have a big problem with Shannon doing and, or turning in her assignments. In Mr. Beyer's class (PE/Health) she could have a straight A if she would have done all of her assignments and turned them in. On every thing she scored on, she got a score of 100% every time. She scored 0 on dress two times but still got an A in it. We are not sure what dress means, we are assuming it means to dress in gym clothes. If that is correct than she should never score zero in that ever, it means she is not getting dressed for gym. If we are understanding this incorrectly, please help us understand it correctly. Now where her perfect score she should have had, dropped from an A to a C+ is once again in not doing and, or turning in her assignments. In Mrs. Bearss class Shannon is getting an F. She has failed to do and or turn in 9 out of 18 assignments, that is half of her assignments. She also has an unexcused attendance that we would like to know about in this class that does not show up in any of her other classes. In Mr. Beyer's class (Pre-Algebra) We see Shannon is really struggling with it. We also see the same pattern as in all of her classes, she is not doing and, or turning in all her work. She also shows a lack of participation in this class for some reason, is she having problems here that we don't know about? Out of all of her classes, she seems to show more homework done and turned in for this class. Is that because she has an aide? If that is the case, than would an aide help her with the other classes? We don't know, we are asking. Even with all the help she is getting and the more assignments turned in in this class, she is still failing this class as far as we can determine. Her daily work has scored an F. Quiz an C-. Tests an F. Record keeping an F. combined grade is F. Now we were told repeatedly at the meeting that Shannon is doing fine, but looking at these reports on her we are left wondering how this can be classified as fine. Something is not working here. You say she is depressed about her school work, well the evaluation shows she was depressed way back then too. I see and agree I (myself mostly and Rodger a little) was contributing to that depression due to lack of knowledge, information and understanding of Shannon's disability. We are now aware of things we was not aware of before and will be handling things here a lot differently, but will continue to be involved in our childs schooling. So we are lifting the pressure on our end, but even when we do, the evaluation shows that she has a problem and has had a problem for a very long time. So we will help her by working with her disability and not creating it to be worse. We also feel that when Shannon is seeing all these F's on her progress reports, that, that is a strong contributing factor in some of her depression, we know if we was in Shannon's position and saw that, it would be very upsetting and depressing to us. We feel (Rodger and I), that the comment was made that Shannon is normal, other kids don't turn in their homework either. We never thought Shannon was not normal. We have also been aware that other kids don't turn in their homework. Yes that is all normal for her peers and age group. That does not mean that we are to except that and say it is ok not to turn in your work, we see it is normal and we will over look that. We see it as normal but also as something that is not acceptable, it needs to be worked on and improved. The acceptance, without the expectations for improvement of that which is normal will cripple her for life and not help prepare her for the real world out there on her own, without anyone to help her through like she has right now. How will she explain to her employers, well I don't have to do all you require of me. I have a disability and don't have to do all my work. That won't fly in the real world, and that is what we, as her parents are trying to prepare her for. The employers of the world only care about money and production, if she can't perform they will replace her, there are several others waiting in line for her job. The employers will keep the ones that give them the most for their money. I am disabled, I know what it is like to be disabled and try to find work to support myself. Rodger and I both agree that it is beneficial for Shannon to try and find a field of work that she is good at and will work with her weaknesses and not aggravate them. We do have some ideas in that area, but need to better understand all of Shannon's interests and abilities first. We love our child and want to help her, not hurt her. We are trying our best to figure out how to best go about it. One of the things we are going to be working on and towards is 100% of her work assignments done (or at least attempted) and handed in on time. We will also be trying to understand and work with her disability as much as we can figure out, now that we have a better understanding of it. Contrary to what Rodger and I feel seems to be the consensus there at school, we both are not angry unfeeling tyrants that want performance out of Shannon and don't care if it is wrong or hurts her. We do care, we love her very deeply, myself included, we do our best to not take anything personally and when we see that we are, we step back and try to figure out a better way. We make mistakes, we have also tried to correct those mistakes when we see them. When we are wrong, we also talk to Shannon and say, I messed up, I was trying to do this but it did not work or we went about it the wrong way, we (or I) am sorry. We have not tried to do anything with her except prepare her for adulthood and help her to become the best Shannon she can possibly be. Rodger would like to know if there is any way possible that Shannon's next evaluation be done as soon as possible. He (we) feels that 3 year intervals is too long of a time span, especially in Shannon's teenage years. He would like to see her evaluated now if at all possible instead of making her wait 6 more months. Please let us know if that is at all possible. Cora A problem is just a challenge waiting to be conquered. Impossibilities are just possibilities waiting to be made possible. You can't stop the curve balls of life but you can choose how you will handle them. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 Well Hill, I have to agree with you. Her Dad should been told about the problems a long time ago. I'm praying for the best for you all. di ------------------ Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 I think your letter is a very calm, intelligent response to what must have been a very upsetting meeting. I would recommend changing school though based on their lack of proactivity regarding her education. It is appalling that you were not made aware of the emotional disability at a much younger age when councelling should have been offered to her at school and for your entire family! Obviously they aren't doing their job to ensure she is effectively helped and at least offered a tutor if her grades are that low. D's and F's are not normal as long as a child is guided to the correct study skills and helped when comprehension is lacking. They have given up on her, and are just meeting with you to say they "did all they could" and pin the blame on you. My DD has had some learning issues which I am homeschooling her to overcome. If left in the conventional school system I am sure my DD would be failing due to her inability to complete basic work in a timely manner. She showed problems completing the work from Kindergarten level, such as not participating in P.E. Which they didn't tell me until the very end of the year! After this continued through 3rd grade with little improvement in her work habits, and no real concern expressed by the school over her obvious problems doing the work I decided I couldn't afford to let her education be ruined. At no time was she offered any extra help nor was it recognized that she had some learning issues! Now I can address any lack of comprehension as it comes up rather than letting it slide as "normal" To me failing to complete 1/2 of the assignments isn't normal. At home, she takes as much time as she needs to complete the work and I am sure she understands it before we move on to the next subject. We work all evening if neccessary! I give her plenty of breaks and also work to present the information in a way that she is more receptive to. Over time she has really improved and now we rarely have to work into the evening to get the work done. She seems happier and our relationship is closer than it has ever been. I get a lot of help from the homeschool assistance program through the public school system. A teacher is assigned to our family and we meet monthly as well as attend classes twice a week where she can be with other homeschooled children. Some children (like my DD) are hands on learners rather than the visual/auditory presentation conventional school offers. Perhaps your DD is a hands on learner and would do better in a setting where she can learn a skill to support herself rather than the college prep work most H.S. are offering. Many people go on to have successful ives doing a job that does not involve the things they learned at school. A technical school where she can learn a trade might be just the ticket. Obviously she will still need the basics, but she might feel better if she can see her progress in a physical trade like butchering. Other trades she might be drawn to might be hairdressing, culinary school, etc. Maybe she should sit down and think about all the possible things she would like to do when she is on her own and go visit someone who is doing it to see if it appeals to her. If she has a goal to reach for she might be more motivated to work towards it. As her skills grow so will her capacity to do more work. "Success is a vitamin" as Mel Levine says. His book "A Mind at a Time" might be helpful for you. I saw him on Oprah and he had a lot to say about how we all learn differently and advise to overcome learning issues tailored to each child's learning mode and strenghts. Try to see if your local library can get a copy through interlibrary loan if they don't have it. My advise would be to move her to an altrernative school if at all possible, they are used to dealing with children with many types of learning issues and will give her the tools she needs to become an independent adult. Meet with the administration before she is enrolled to discuss your concerns about her. She doesn't have much time to learn the skills she will need to make it in the world and the school she is at has clearly demonstrated they aren't able to meet her needs. Good luck whatever you decide! ------------------ Quote Link to comment
Dee Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 Do you realize that most school district pass the underachievers because they the districts get monies from the Federal Government to incorporate into their school budgets (High Paying salaries to school admins) every year. In most cases it is not the fault of either the student or the parents, as most school districts make the parents believe. Think about it. They pass the kids who can't keep up, year after year and when the kids get to higher grades and can't do the 3 R's they the district call the parents on the carpet. Listen Hilly when these problems started the school should have contacted you right away and before you came into the picture they should have contacted your husband about the problems your little girl was having. They should have had her tested for learning disabilities when the problems with her learning first started. If they haven't I would check and see why they didn't. Even if parents are dealing with childrens emotional problems at home the school also can provide council to handle these and other types of problems so that the kids can get professional counciling without it costing you a cent. Same goes for the learning problems. They have to provide tutors, aids, learning tools and other that will help the student, and don't let them tell you any different. Remember The Schools kept passing your child from grade to grade. Some teachers are put in a position where they are made to slide the non passing kids to the next grade and it all has to do with quota's,and the extra monies the governments, local and federal will give to the schools. This also applys to How many are on the bus, attendence in class, free breakfast and lunch programs. The more kids who take advantage of these programs the more money the school gets. Most parents are not made aware of the services that the schools provide and if counciling is in order for your child it can be done discretely without other kids finding out about it. I think I need spellcheck today, I am having a menopause moment here...LOL Anyway don't get bummed out. Do what you feel you have to do to get your daughter out of her rut and if you do change schools make sure they have everything available to help your daughter. Becca Annes post is so true and typical of the way the schools systems work around this country. I have had to tutor many of my university students in the passed because they can't read or write. Becca Annes children and yours are the true victims in your posts. I think Becca is right in homeschooling her daughter. I have taught many homeschooled young men and women who came to the Univerity where I teach, for their college educations and they are some of the best well rounded students I have had. I hope all turns out well for you and your daughter. Just keep on plugging and don't let the system get to you. Quote Link to comment
twilap Posted October 19, 2002 Share Posted October 19, 2002 It sounds like your daughter is being tested as if she is in Special Education, yet it doesn't sound like she is in Special Education. Is she in RSP? The reason I ask this is because my husband is a Special Education Teacher for middle school. EVERY YEAR they test his kids to see what level they are at for reading, math, etc. They are required to meet with the parents to discuss the results and set a plan. This would include behavior. They test physical abilities, emotional, etc. I think every few years. At my husbands school the special ed classes are smaller in size, which allows for a little more one on one help as well as helps lower the chances of behavior problems within the class. Now, he has the same problem though with kids not turning in their work. He would love to have you as parents because you care if she turns it in or not. He has had a several parents over the years say that he is picking on their kids by making them do their work. I agree with you about her turning in her assignments. That would help her grade...even if she doesn't do 100% on each assignment, but makes the effort to turn in her assignments is part of a grade. My husband has had to give D's and F's mainly for assignments not turned in. Even after many, many phone calls to parents, reports home,etc. nothing changes. I think it is a bummer that school districts do not hold kids back...but you are right...I think it is a money thing. Even when a teacher wants to hold a student back and talk to the parents, they are not always allowed to. Many times it has to be the parent to bring it up. Before switching schools, I would find out more about the other school to see if it is just administration at your current school or administration at the district level. I would also sit down with the principal at the new school to have a plan set in place BEFORE you switch her. That way you know that all are concerned about her well being and want to work as a TEAM! I will be praying for you! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Here is a letter I got in my email tonight in responce to the letter i emailed to the school principal....... Cora and Rodger, Thank you for the long note. I sense the same frustration in your letter that I have felt when we talk. You are anxious to fix Shannon, are not satisfied with her current attitude and academic achievement. It is obvious that you not only desire to do what is best for Shannon, but that you would like any help you can get to do what is best for her. Please understand, these are the same frustrations that we feel for a number of our students, and that there is no quick fix for any of them. Problems like Shannon’s did not develop overnight, and will not be repaired overnight. The only way to eventually make corrections in student behavior is to do what you believe and know is best, and remain consistent in your approach. Shannon does have special needs, and they are different then other children. The first step to helping any child is having a clear picture of what their capacity for learning is and what expectations are realistic. We feel terrible that you have never had a copy of her evaluation report. This information is supposed to be shared with a parent following the evaluation, and prior to the first Individual Educational Plan Conference (IEPC). There was no way for us to know that Mancelona had never done this. Knowing now that you have not had a chance to see this report explains a great deal. I apologize personally for any comments that made you feel that you were insensitive. It was not my intention to make you feel inadequate or unfeeling. My comments were made only to point out that Shannon does not have the same capacity to learn that many children have, and that adaptations and accommodations for those learning difficulties is the reason that she has been identified as a child who needs special education services. In reading your first letter, I didn’t see any recognition on your part that she has limitations, and that our expectations, and your expectations, have to be different because of that. Knowing that you were not made privy to that information explains a great deal. It has always been very obvious to myself, Mrs. Woodard and other staff members that you care a great deal about Shannon, and do have her best interest in mind. In any interpersonal relationships, there are multiple difficulties that need to be addressed. Entering a child’s life during the ‘teen years’ is always difficult, and presents new problems. Having been in your situation, I will tell you that the most important thing that you can do is to hold to the higher ground, let them know that you care, and that nothing they do will change how you feel. They are looking for ways to show that you don’t really care, because it is always easier to justify their behavior when they’re doing it to someone who doesn’t care. It is never as easy to justify inappropriate behavior to someone when you know that they truly care for you. Mrs. Woodard will work with Shannon’s classroom teachers to make sure that appropriate accommodations are being made for her. She will notify you by email of daily assignments and missing assignments. Hopefully this over-seeing on her part will help you keep track of assignments and help Shannon get her work in on time. Thank you for the correspondence, Bill Aten Quote Link to comment
twilap Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 Wow...your letter sure seemed to make a difference! How do you feel about it? Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted October 23, 2002 Share Posted October 23, 2002 We feel there may be some hope, but have been through enough to the point where we will wait and see it his words are true. I guess it is sad that we feel that way but life has taught me that people can and will say anything, but when they back them up with actions then you know they really meant them. I have a saying I wrote a few years ago (I was married a short time to a habitual lyer)....... Words are cheap, actions harder. Show me your actions, before you ask me to believe your words. We do feel they are trying, but not ready to let our guard down and trust quite yet. Hill Quote Link to comment
twilap Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 It sounds to me like you can't afford to let your guard down....your daughter is at risk! Hang in there....I will be praying that God gives you the wisdom you need in this situation!!1 Have a blessed day! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted October 25, 2002 Share Posted October 25, 2002 Rodger called the school today and told them he wanted an re-evaluation ASAP and they are saying that it is very possible, but we will see what they produce. Hill Quote Link to comment
Dee Posted October 25, 2002 Share Posted October 25, 2002 DEBLYN thanks for your last post. You said it all in those few words. Watch your back Hilly. If you have to address the school officials don't give them anymore personal information- AT ALL no matter how friendly they are to you. Be cordial and Tell them what you want without all the added home life information. Quote Link to comment
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