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Crazy4Canning

It Still Goes On... and On...and On

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Just when I think it may stop, that the craziness has abated for a while, and I might be able to get work done, I'm proven wrong. :banghead:

 

So here are the adventures over the past few days.

 

I had closed all but one checking account, where the SS & VA checks are deposited. I found out last Friday he opened a new account with a different bank because he received a check as payment for an odd job. He wanted to be able to cash the check without a penalty...also without telling anyone about it. I told him he needed to close it immediately or I would do it because we talked about his lack of care with money and all of us (he, mom, my husband and I) agreed that cash was a bad idea. He did eventually close it, but not without a fuss.

 

He also recently ordered debit cards for himself and mom on the main checking account, the account he gets his SS and VA benefit to. I had no idea he did this. Mom had mentioned it would be nice to have a debit card in case she might need it, but it wasn't necessary yet. Evidently Dad ordered them anyway. Mom's was sent back to the bank because Dad gave them the wrong PO box number. Dad's was sent to the apartment. I got a call from the bank wanting to know which account to link the cards to because Dad was wanting to make a withdrawal. I briefly explained the situation to the teller, that we were dealing with possible dementia and money mismanagement, and to please link the cards to savings and send him on his way, then kill the cards. She did so and noted that this is the third time dad has requested cards on this checking account. In the process of calling me and working with the teller, he forgot that he wanted to withdraw money.

 

I am very worried that my father could drain the accounts again and spend the little money that's in there frivolously or send it to scammers again.

 

On a different note, the other day I got a phone call from Dad that his clutch broke in the pickup truck (this is the second time in a few months) and he was having it towed to my driveway because he can't work on it at the apartment. He informed me that he would need a ride back home. When I arrived home twenty minutes later, I expected to find my dad enjoying a cup of coffee, perhaps reading a book or magazine, waiting in the living room. Instead, I found him in our basement, rifling through boxes and totes that did not belong to him - for no apparent reason. When I asked him what he was doing, he said "Searching for something", and he had an edger that dispenses paper and tape when you need to mask off a window sill or wall. He said, "I need to borrow this." I nodded and asked him what he was searching for.

 

Pacing, he said that new city was different than the old one. He didn't like having to give up his 'nice' sharps boxes that held mom's used insulin syringes to the recyclers because he thought it was silly he had to keep buying them. He wanted a bucket that he could dump the syringes into instead, because it was more efficient and cheaper. He remembered I had cat litter buckets, I told him we recycled them. He found a ratty old square bucket that had some old chicken feed in it and dumped the feed onto the compost pile and took the bucket. The feed was stale, but it could have been used...now it's good for nothing but feeding the occasional decrepit neighborhood raccoon. As I checked the basement room, the boxes and totes in that room have been rifled through and rearranged. I don't think he took anything without asking, but it made me uncomfortable.

 

As an aside, when I moved my parents back in November, among other trash, there were at least 2, possibly more, cat litter buckets taped shut with sharps in them. He did take them to the recyclers then. Perhaps it is necessary to just buy a stack of sharps containers and insist they be taken to the recyclers when full.

 

As I drove him home, Dad was rambling on...and he told me about falling off a ladder. He insists a 'demon' or 'spirit' kicked the ladder, because he was the only one in the room. He thinks that the spirits that are in his brother are angry at him for doing the right thing and are seeking to hurt him.

 

My mom is becoming quite worried that Dad is not tracking too well. She really wants him to leave the money situation alone and is growing concerned about his patterns of thought. The other night there was quite a bit of confusion over dinner, he changed his mind a few different times about what to fix. Also, my mom said that throughout the evening he was starting conversations, stopping them mid-thought and starting another topic. She was really concerned that he wasn't making sense. Mom has not said that she doesn't feel safe around him, but she is definitely worried about his behavior.

 

So, I'm left with a decrepit truck in my driveway, a loopy dad and a dissertation that needs time I can't give it. I'm seriously thinking of going away for a week to get some writing done, but I'm so afraid of what might happen when I'm gone.

 

I have contacted social workers and the interim guardian. We will see what next week holds. For now, I'm thinking bed sounds really good and it's not even 8pm yet.

 

Oh - and now I feel an overwhelming need to change the locks. How do I do that without escalating this or making him feel bad? :sassing:

Edited by Crazy4Canning

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:hug3: Changing the locks was my first thought. You can always tell him you were concerned about local break-ins or something. And it is actually for his safety as much as your security.

 

I'm sorry if you mentioned it already somewhere, but is he on any medications? There are some that are supposed to help with these problems *in some people*.

 

The demon/spirit thing worries me... that can escalate without warning.

 

I wish I could really help. :( But I will continue praying, since that's all I can do from here.

 

:bighug2:

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A psych eval is being requested both by the interim guardian and the public defender. He will have 2 done from 2 separate states. As I see it, it can only help prove the fact that he's not all there.

 

Yes, this weekend will consist of re-keying the locks and putting a door on the 'storage room' that has canning, some filing, a safe, as well as some things that go bang. What a time for my husband to be sick. There was a door on the room at one point, but we took it off for remodeling reasons.

 

The meds he is on don't interact, at least according to my brilliant pharmacist friend. It was the first thing I checked months ago. It doesn't mean that he can't be taking OTC meds such as anitihistamines that can interfere with bp meds.

 

Yes, the demon thing has been of concern for a while. While I believe in good and evil, and that there are demons/ angels, etc., to have such an extreme view is unsettling. He is perfectly convinced that there are things like generational curses, and that these spirits cause physical affliction...mental illness is clearly demon possession in his book, to be fought with prayer, not meds or counseling.

 

A consolation at this point is that it is clear that what he has is a type of illness...and illnesses can be tempered with medication. Not that I want him doped to the gills and a drooling vegetable...I just want him safe....and my mom safe.

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CGA, it does sound like more than alzheimers. depression can present like this and anxiety too when it gets really rolling, it may not be something more complex. the demons stuff can become dangerous instantly. He wont realize what he is doing , but yes, its not a good sign from all the odd behavior and broken up thought and conversation attempts.

It could be that an antidepressant and a little atavan or some other scrips would help alot but he sounds truly difficult when it comes to making sure he would take them long enough to see if they would work. he sounds like he would really balk at all this.

I would be keeping close tabs on your mom and make sure she knows to instantly call you and 911 . Its better that he be hospitalized and no real harm comes. She needs to understand this. Most states do a 23 hr watch and then a 72 hour. He definitely is not thinking at all cohesively here and the demon stuff is serious. It may not just be a strong faith expression.

The 1-4 day period although it may seem embarrassing helps the medical assessment and they can get him started on medication and observe and be there for him to talk to them.

 

I know this is terribly heart rending but its better to be safe than sorry and your mom could easily be harmed and he wouldnt even realize what he was doing because its like being controlled by something else.

 

Hopefully its only what is called schizoaffective , which can be part of depression and anxiety rather than actual schizophrenia .

 

but its brain chemistry gone awry and he probably needs medication to help adjust it back to or towards more functional levels.

 

And he can turn on a dime in this state and do things terribly different and thats very risky for not only him but your mom.

 

Please impress on your mom to stay in touch with you and to not hesitate to get aid if need be. If she can walk and leave the apartment, she may need to do so. Make sure she has her cell with her if she has one. I know this is probably very contrary to all she would probably try to do but she needs to get out immediately if things escalate and get somewhere safe in the immediate neighborhood and then call. Then someone else more capable can deal with him. She needs to slip out and get away before he can act out. To keep herself safe and out of range. Later on he can be reassured of things when he is calmed down again, whatever all that may be.

He sounds greatly deteriorated. Very sad and its so hard to figure it out, but she needs to understand and be watchful and asessing things right now for her own physical safety.

 

My own sweet grandfather had similar disallusioning of his own but he was finally already in a nursing home before it got that bad. did things out of character, broke a tv in a bathtub during the Iranian Crisis when he heard about that and he was not a veteran. But it was like overnight. A favorite aunt and cousin lived in his home for several years after Grandma passed and he did well for a long time but the very last part and this did accompany alzheimers really happened so fast and he didn't last much longer.

 

I realize with alzheimers they will use certain meds for that but they may still want to make sure he is taking mental health meds as well. If it could help him , i can only hope he will acquiese if its recommended after the psych eval. It may stabilize him. But until then its very risky if he continues like he has been displaying. He is just as confused and frightened too in all this I am sure.

Not that he would admit it.

 

I would make sure they have the proper sharps containers too. Once the used needle is inside its very difficult to access them and that too is a definite safety issue because he is very disoriented.

 

But your mom needs to be clearly told its ok to vacate the premises for her own safety , before it gets turned on her. Its not her fault and she is NOT equipped to deal with him alone.

 

 

Its ok to leave and ask someone or call for help. It may be terribly embarrassing but it may help avoid worse things happening to her or him. and yes they usually happen really fast.

 

its ok to go in the bathroom or a closet and hide with the cell phone, make a quiet call and such too if things escalate with his delusional stuff , if she cant leave the house herself. and not breathe a word so he isn't aware of it and EMS/LEO can come in and get him under control hopefully with out any physical harm, and he would have to either own up to the difficulties and work to stabilize before he can come home. Or someone takes him to the hospital, if it comes down to this. Also while he is adjusting in such a setting that may give you all a breather for now. I am sure you and your mom are already quite shocked and exausted just from whats happened so far.

 

I realize other adjustments for your moms sake may be necessary temporarily but I think this is the safer alternative if you all need to act fast on this. She needs to know its ok even though it is probably not what she has been doing. She needs to know that she has "permission" although it goes against the grain and everything she has always been used to possibly. Its not something he probably needs to be told. He is too disoriented to understand at this point.

i

 

It is very sad and difficult but I want you and your mom to be safe enough too. I can see his side too, really, maybe why it is s o much more difficult. He's really breaking down, whether its from the alzheimers or more , but his life changed drastically and hes going through a lot realizing all is gone and he made mistakes whether he can admit it and got taken advantage of by those scammers. That hurt a lot I am sure because it made it impossible to be responsible to your mom and such .. that's a big thing to a man to be able to take care of his family. Its all been tremendously unsettling. Not being healthy and steady and such, its very embarrassing when you know you were better at it before. There's a lot of hits to take for him , deep down inside.

 

I dearly hope the assessment is done very soon and nothing else happens in the meantime. But if need be, maybe hospitalization and working with the medical team may be needed. It may really help if it could be done. Its delicate I know having to figure this all out. Getting him to do it is another story. So being safe is important.

 

 

 

 

I definitely agree its wise to change your locks .

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The doctors told our family that my grandmother did not have Alzheimers but she had dementia. I'm not too sure what the difference is but she acted sort of like your father. Be aware if he starts to talk to people who aren't there or is hearing voices. It sounds like a lot of his issues involve money.

 

Lets hope he gets evaluated SOON. That sneaky little rascal sure is keeping you on your toes!

 

And do change your locks if for nothing else but for your own peace of mind.

:hug3:

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((((C4C))))

What a nightmare. This must be draining energy at a rate you can't replenish.

Like Arby, I suspect a bit more than dementia/Alzheimers. His train of thought would make me think about a form of schizophrenia.

The moment a religious belief takes over into a form where it controls fears and actions, it's beyond believing.

As we say in healthcare circles, religion is talking to God, when God talks back loud and clear, it's mostly an illness (no offence anyone).

Your dad seems to be scared of so many things that hinder him from living his life that is is out of the borders of Alzheimers I think.

 

Good grief girl, I can do all but hope you will find some peace of mind to write your work and get some rest. This is a real nightmare.

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Since there is no reasoning with your Dad, you are now his parent. You have to take control, or someone has to. Making decisions for a parent is one of the hardest things I've ever done (even raising teenagers). Surely you will get help from the courts/counselors.

 

He is a danger to himself and others, which I think is a criterior (sp?) for taking away his adult rights.

 

So hard for you and DH, so hard. I pray what needs to happen will happen quickly. You need help and relief. You are doing the right thing.

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I'm thinking that the move may have really disrupted him. When people have dementia or Alzheimers, they usually fare better at home in the house that they are used to living in. When they are forced to move elsewhere, they can decline. In this case, there was no choice but to move him to a new (safe) apartment and it was the right decision...the ONLY decision that could be made.

 

Given your dad's current legal situation, this move may make his mental health status more apparent and things would be easier for a mental health professional to document. My MIL had some form of dementia and her sister suffers from Alzheimers. One of the big differences that we saw in both of their symptoms was that her sister was forced to move out of her home for her own safety and rapidly went downhill due to not being surrounded by her own familiar things. This may be the escalation that C4C is seeing in her dad right now. This may balance itself over the next few weeks, but some of the memory-type drugs might help. I remember my MIL being on Remeron.

 

I agree that the truck needs to be taken away permanently. He really needs some sort of guardian to keep him from being able to sabatoage his finances and other things. By all means, change your locks. Your home is your sanctuary and you don't want to allow him to possibly hurt himself there in your absence. Lastly, take a week off...You need it to maintain your own sanity. I will keep praying for you because I do understand how heartbreaking this must be and how very tiring it all is.

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C4C~

 

I'm so sorry, I can't image what you are going through.

 

We moved DH's grandma into an assisted living facility because of some similar problems. My FIL has total power of attorney now but he had to take the financial sometime ago because she was sending money somewhere.

 

Praying for you and your family!

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I hadn't thought of the move as being a disturbing thing, for they've done it so many times before, but this was the roughest one. Things were so disorganized, and not just because my mom can't see, but because dad had a lot to do with it.

 

I honestly do not believe at this time that his strong "expressions of faith" are mere testimony, they are indeed not normal.

 

Violet - I can't take his name off, because both checks - SS & VA are deposited in his name and his alone. If I take his name off, the money won't get deposited. I checked that first thing. What will have to happen via the guardianship is that we will need to set up new accounts, that he can't have access to, like a trust. I will be the only signer and hold the only debit card. End of problem. My dad will not be able to open, own, or operate any checking accounts or hold any money, or he will be in violation of the courts. That appears to be a few weeks away with the trial on March 30 for guardianship.

 

We did get things to re-key the locks yesterday and my husband will be doing that today. We both hesitated at doing so, but I told him I didn't want to wake up and find a crazy man in our basement or much worse find one of our metal friends missing....he agreed. As to what we will tell him when he tries his key...don't know yet.

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Crazy, I am so sorry all of this is going on ! The stress for you would be just so hard to endure.

 

Prayers going up that the doctors will intervene and you will be able to get his name off the finances. I agree, this doesn't seem like normal trust and faith any more.

 

As for the locks, pray that the Lord will give you wisdom in what to say to him. Just remeber and keep telling yourself that God promises to not give you more than you can handle !!!

 

I keep reading your posts to keep updated.

 

 

So much going on for me that I don't post much now.

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can you set up an automatic transfer so that the money goes into his account, and immediately out to an account you control?

 

I have been following your posts and admire you for dealing with this at great cost to your family. You show the real meaning of respecting your parents.

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When my daughter turned 18 I had to get legal guardianship. Then SS continued to send the checks with me as representative payee. They insisted that the checks go to an account with her name on it, but I transfer the funds to my personal acct each month. She isn't capable of doing anything with the acct, but if she were, moving the funds out right away would keep her from using them.

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can you set up an automatic transfer so that the money goes into his account, and immediately out to an account you control?

 

I have been following your posts and admire you for dealing with this at great cost to your family. You show the real meaning of respecting your parents.

 

Hi Sue,

 

If I were to do that, even for bill paying purposes, the law is very clear - it is theft, larceny, a felony. I can't and won't do it. Right now, all I can do it wait it out. The bank refuses to keep cancelling cards for him. They say it's a waste of their time, after all, it's his money, he should have access to it. :banghead:

We did get the locks re-keyed this weekend and I did learn how to do it. The basement door still needs to go up, but I'm feeling much more secure.

 

Ladies, if you have never re-keyed a lock, I highly recommend learning. It's simple and good to know. Depending on your locks: Kwikset or Schlag are the two most common. You can buy re-keying kits on ebay. The most difficult and awkward thing is taking the doorknob off and putting it back on. The process itself is simple and because women tend to be gentler than men, they tend to be better at this.

 

My husband teasingly said, "Hey hon, if this higher education thing doesn't work out for you, you could always be a locksmith." :grinning-smiley-044:

 

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