Updates on Life

[Crazy4Canning]

Well, it's the middle of the month and my father has again succeeded in practically draining the accounts dry...all because he has a debit card. He's not balancing the accounts, merely using the card. He says he can keep track just fine in his head. So, if in fact this is true, why have I gone to all the bother of retaining an attorney and consulting with adult protective services and talking with social workers? Now, according to him, he stated he needed a car part, he took mom to dinner, he needed extra gas money, it was all explained away. I'm weary.

 

I'm told once this goes before a judge, I can control the bank account situation better and his debit card will go away. Will it be enough, though?

 

Over the past week, I was told by my parents that they have it on very good authority that the world will have an economic crash on the 19th or 20th. This will devalue the dollar greatly and everything will inflate in price. They encouraged me to drain my bank accounts and stock up on dairy products. (Why dairy? I don't know.) This was justification to go buy some things they needed...and there is not enough money in the account to pay the insurance come the 22nd.

 

Dad went for a psych eval last week. I cleared my calendar to attend and after the 45 minute drive up there, I was told I wouldn't be needed. Okay. I drove back into town in time for a student and a really long evening.

 

I realized this week that the things I'm now dealing with - the clutter, the garbage issues, the tendency of my parents to fall in with weirdos, has in fact been going on for most of my adult life and probably before, but I didn't fully understand that I was dealing with a LIFETIME of behavior, not a couple of isolated incidents. A good friend and my husband reminded me of the stacks and stacks of stuff in my childhood home and times when they've moved. Seems this past time was the worst though.

 

Oh, and I finally got the final paperwork on the email money scams he answered, sending money literally around the world. Almost $34,000. Oh yes. This is what I can trace. The wire transfers could only go back so far, so this was just the past six or so years since my mom became blind. Something tells me in my gut that it goes back further than that...but I can't prove it.

 

To add insult to injury, I found some old bloodwork of my dad's. It was 2 years old. His liver enzymes were high and his PSA (prostate) levels were almost 6 times what they should have been. He didn't go to the doctor or seek further treatment at the time. Said he had no insurance, so it wasn't going to happen. I reminded him that he now had insurance and that we would be getting this taken care of over the next few months. He looked me dead in the eye and told me to mind my own business. So, my dad could very well have prostate cancer.

 

I also realized that if every month, there will be an argument over bills, that's a minimum of 12 arguments a year (probably more), times the next oh, 30 or so YEARS before they leave this earth. . . literally hundreds of arguments over money...and living, and storage, etc.

 

As much as I want to honor my parents, I really don't know if I can...should he or my mother continue to slip into a further unfit status or be this belligerent and rude. I can now understand why people take their folks and drop them into a nursing home and walk away. Not that I would ever do that, but I do understand now why it's done. It's just so terribly hard to cope and make sense of everything.

*Sigh*. While I really want to right now all I can do is wait.

 

Oh, and the dissertation is coming along, albeit slow. There is still a slim chance I could make spring graduation, and I'm trying. I will try with everything in me to finish this term.

 

For me, personally, the bad news is that stress is taking its toll on my body. My chiropractor said that my thermal scans looked like someone who had just been in a car accident or body-slammed by a football player. They are recommending that I eliminate all stress from my life so my body can heal...

 

Whoooo, Lordy. Eliminate all stress? What world would that be in?

 

So. It begs the question and consideration of whether or not I want someone else to act as guardian. I believe I have until the 28th to decide.

 

I Am So Tired.

 

[windmorn]

[Annarchy]

[AMarthaByHeart]

Maybe it is time to step back, take a deep breath, and then take a day off to do something you want to do. Get a massage, go to a movie, just rest with no phones, go out and eat with friends or hubby, or even work on your paper without interruptions if possible. Your parents seem to keep doing what they want to, so maybe it is time for you to do that to even if it is for just one day. You and DH will be in my prayers. May God's peace and wisdom surround you in the days ahead.

[Crazy4Canning]

I've been trying to plan a week away to write, but I just can't afford it. We don't have anything like a family cabin or campground. I think if I could get away for a week, maybe two I could hammer this thing home and be done, once and for all.

 

As it is, I cringe at another term. I truly do.

 

As for the time for me, I do that once a week. After working like a mad dog, I will go out to dinner by myself on the nights my husband works late. I enjoy it and come home to watch a chick flick. I'm usually in bed and asleep by 10:30.

 

 

[MomM]

You are in our prayers. (((((C4C)))))

[Ambergris]

Renting a cabin for a week would probably cost less than another semester.

[Becca_Anne]

Deep breath! You are going through a LOT of stress. Time to focus yourself on finishing your thesis and de-stressing. Hand over everything you can to someone else even if it means making someone else the guardian. This is taking a HUGE toll on your health. You don't want to end up developing a serious illness because your body cannot cope. Please take care of YOU too!

[CrabGrassAcres]

Who else could, or would serve as guardian?

 

 

What is the worst that could happen that hasn't already? Sometimes it helps me to stop and ask myself that. Would your dad going to prison be the worst that could happen? Then what? How bad is that, really? If he is mentally incompetent he isn't likely to do time, or if he does, they may put him in a special unit, but I bet they don't put him in prison. If he has prostate cancer and ignores it, is that the worst? What happens to mom if he is in prison or has cancer?

 

It really sounds like he is his own worst enemy, aided and abetted by his wife. So maybe time to let their consequences BE their consequences and not yours.

[dogmom4]

Renting a cabin for a week would probably cost less than another semester.

 

Or even a hotel room? Cheaper than a cabin...

[Crazy4Canning]

CGA, since I am the only living child, there is no one else. I doubt any cousins would care enough to do this and none of my parents' siblings would want to. I would have to find a state appointed guardian...more than likely, the current interim guardian would be the one I would ask. He would then apply for subsidy from the state for his time because that's how he makes his living.

 

Yes, a cabin would be cheaper than another semester. I've got an appointment with my professor Monday evening so we will chat then. I'm weighing the stress of packing all my junk up for a week versus just turning my phone off. Right now, shutting off the phone is winning. We shall see.

[CrabGrassAcres]

Hon, I'm voting for that nice state appointed guardian if he will do it. Sometimes having a third person to take the flak who is not emotionally attached to the ward can make all the difference in the world. You do NOT need the extra stress. Your parents will complain, but you will be able to shrug and tell them there isn't anything you can do about it and it isn't your fault.

[Jeepers]

[Annarchy]

I am inclined to go with CGA, my parents would not listen to me. Yet, have someone unrelated come in and tell them the very same thing and it was like a 'light bulb' to them and they would tell me what great advise this other person gave them.

 

[Virginia]

I'm with CGA and Anna. The State would have do this, I think, and there will be nothing you can do about it. You might feel like you are shirking (SP) your responsibility, but you have done way more than most of us could handle.

 

In Sept, we 3 "kids" put our DF in a nursing home. Very hard, very hard, but it needed doing. We were so surprised, he did not fight us. After he was there he told some staff he had been afraid at home.

[themartianchick]

I also vote for the state appointed guardian. You're too close to this situation and it is tearing down your own health. I believe that children should honor their parents but I don't think that you should shave years off of your own life in order to extend their trip down the rabbit hole. I don't know how old you are but I have a friend that had 2 heart attacks a couple of years ago after giving birth to a child. She was 39 years old. LIfe is too short as it is and even a fairly young person can suffer from life threatening conditions due to stress. Put this one burden in the hands of a well-intentioned stranger. You can still be there for them in other ways and you may find that the relationship is stronger/better when you have a little space.

 

You are putting a lot of stress on yourself at this point. What would happen if you had a heart attack and passed away due to stress? You wouldn't be available to clean up this mess for them and they would have to rely on the well-intentioned stranger. I don't mean to sound harsh...but your life is valuable, too!

[Jeepers]

I agree with CGA and the others. You have done all you can do and they have fought you every step of the way. You are probably too close to the situation now. Explain to them that just because you are stepping aside legally, doesn't mean you won't still be there for them. Your father may not try to pull some of his stunts with a stranger. Sort of like when a child is a holy terror at home and in public is a perfect angel and people look at you as if you are crazy. LOL

 

Might be time to step back and be a loving daughter again and not their task master (in their mind). Time to say 'enough' and take your life back. C4C, you really did do the best you could on your own. Time to call the professionals in.

[Crazy4Canning]

Well, today was the first sunny day in weeks after tons of rain and snow. The yard showed it! We had some grass as tall as the fence! My DH gets out the weed whacker and before long, he's out of string. He goes to open it and can't. Somehow, it's so tightly shut he can't open it without breaking the mechanism. Did I mention this Torro is only 1 year old?

 

Yes, the last one to use it was my dad. He was whacking back some grass to loosen dirt to pour concrete. I don't know if the mechanism got jammed or what. I did call him and ask. He says it worked fine for him, but he had to 'jam' the string case on. Yes. A new weed whacker ruined.

 

Oh, and my husband could probably have fixed it, but the proper tools are nowhere to be found because his tools are still in chaos. Dad was in the garage again and used the saw, tossed some boxes and left glass shards, saw dust, and broken things in the driveway...so. End of privileges.

 

My husband said, "No more. He is not having any cars towed here anymore, not coming over aside from a visit, NOTHING. Maybe I'll like him by December."

 

To see my normally calm husband hit a rolling boil because his tools have been trashed, lost, misused, and destroyed was saddening. There was nothing I could do to fix the situation or make it better. All the years, the tens of thousands of dollars, the loss of faith and trust. Not to mention, the effects on my relationship with my husband. . . .

 

I did get a new padlock for the garage and put new keys on our rings. The house locks have been changed. I don't know what else there is to do.

 

Hearing for Guardianship is this Friday.

 

The amusing thing? As we were cleaning up outside, I noticed that where some lettuce bolted late last summer and scattered seeds over the gravel walkway on the side of the house, there was volunteer lettuce. I gathered up a handful of NEW lettuces! Sometimes, it's the small things.

[Annarchy]

((((((((C4C))))))))

 

 

 

[Jeepers]

Still sending you many good thoughts and prayers. Bless you...you must have the patients of Job.

[Becca_Anne]

Such a hard thing to deal with but it's time to let someone else step in and deal with the issues so you can focus your energy on living YOUR life.