Putting Things in Motion

[Crazy4Canning]

This past week has been nothing but battles. I'm so weary.

 

What tipped the scales was a literal email battle between my parents and I. They wanted to tithe more than they had, I said no. They kept badgering me. I kept telling them they didn't have the money.

 

They insisted, I said no.

 

They wanted cash, I said no, I can't give you cash.

 

They said, we ran out of groceries, we need a few things at the store.

 

I said, tell me what you need. They couldn't say.

 

See a pattern here?

 

After a particularly pointed email telling my dad to stay home, do not come over, and that I would see him Tuesday morning at 8:30 for a drive to court, he showed up at my house Sunday morning. While he did pull some weeds in the front bed (I am grateful for that), I did not open the door.

 

He waited for over an hour, even leaving a message on my husband's phone saying, "I'm here to talk to my daughter and get some money. Would you open the door?"

 

He insisted it was an emergency that my mom was out of decongestant. (She takes this stuff daily.) I told him to call the doctor and get it prescribed. He refused and showed up at my house.

 

This drama took up so much time, I missed a weekend of working on my dissertation and missed ANOTHER deadline.

 

In addition, I felt like a prisoner in my own house.

 

My dad did eventually leave. I was peeking out of the curtains like a mad woman.

 

I drafted a letter to the lawyer asking for an appointment to explore guardian options. I also contacted his psychologist and forwarded the emails that he sent, demanding that I obey and honor his and my mother's requests.

 

I realized this weekend that my parents agreed to the guardianship because they thought they could manipulate me and get what they wanted. They thought they would still have control and could boss me around like an 8 year old.

 

I was going to wait until my dad's court case finished to pass off guardianship, but I was told that could be another 6 months. SIX MONTHS. I will not - no, I CAN NOT wait that long or wait for the day he becomes violent or endangers my life or the life of my family.

 

My husband reminded me that there is nothing that I can do that is right my parents' eyes. Removing them from a bad situation wasn't enough. Neither was finding them a nice place, etc. I have done more than most would have done and I am not a miracle worker.

 

Perhaps a stranger can reach them where I can't.

 

I have an appointment with the attorney tomorrow to seek a professional guardian for them.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Crazy4Canning

[ANewMe]

Oh my word!!! That is just a horrible situation for you to be in. I can not even imagine having to deal with that. I have no words of wisdom other than try to get some rest. I would imagine you are mentally and emotionally drained from the whole ordeal. I'll be praying for you....hang in there.

 

[Mt_Rider]

With this much dysfunction [mental health issues], best to step out of the equation. Seems like you're doing the right thing. It's hard tho, to think of turning family business over to strangers. But.... likely nothing short of that will bring you a sane life again.

 

MtRider

[Crazy4Canning]

MtRider - that reason is why I became guardian in the first place - I didn't want to foist my parents off on complete strangers. I now see why public guardians exist and why there is a need for them.

 

I did get my dad a gas card, for he was doing some volunteer work at his church, but I did not get them an extra grocery card yet. They will get one at the beginning of the month like everyone else.

 

I cannot express how "done" I am with playing games and being manipulated.

 

I know I'm a delayed processor, and my anger is kicking in. I'm trying not to let it get in the way of decision making.

 

Hugs and blessings to everyone.

 

[themartianchick]

I'm so glad that you've come to this decision. It is what you need to be able to live your life to the fullest. Wishing you nothing but happiness once this burden has been lifted. I would imagine that you're feeling better already, just knowing that the end is in sight. You tried your best and you've given it your all. Now it is time for someone else to step in, so that you can have a more normal relationship with your parents.

 

 

[windmorn]

[Jeepers]

You are just too close to the situation to be effective. I'm glad you are stepping back. Even with the best intentions, sometimes you have to let go and let the professionals do what they do best.

 

 

Wishing you peace...soon!

[TurtleMama]

Oh, dear heart....feel no guilt. Feel nothing but relief that you have successfully made a very, very difficult but VERY necessary decision that will allow you, your DH, and your parents to move on to a much more normal life. You have done SO much for them, and you have done an amazing job of honoring them, providing for them, and helping them....know that in your heart as well as your mind. I wish that I could give you a hug and bring you a cake. (Because sometimes chocolate is just theraputic!) Breathe deep. Live well, live happy, knowing that you did EVERYTHING in your power...and you knew when to say when. You will all be better off for it. (Not to mention, your dissertation will get DONE!!! Woo hoo! LOL)

 

Prayers for you, hon....

[Ambergris]

You didn't open the door.

[Crazy4Canning]

This morning after court, Dad sat on my sofa and demanded the cash I was holding for him. He said it was unfair of me to not let him spend it as he saw fit. When I reminded him of why, he said that he hadn't contacted the scammers in months and didn't do that anymore. In his eyes, that was enough.

 

We had a chat about needs versus wants, emergencies versus a bill. It was like he and I were talking about two separate things - maybe because we were. I could see I was getting no where. To escalate the situation was pointless, so I gave him the $250 I was holding for him. I was so tired and worn down, I really didn't care. If he spends it, (and I know he will), it will be gone. It literally wasn't worth the rift. Even though he sees it as "winning a spiritual battle and me submitting to his authority", I will save my energies for another battle another day. What amazes me is that he still doesn't realize the difference between an "emergency" and a want - like gas in the car or a few extra groceries. He just doesn't plan ahead and running out of things still justifies a crisis to him. He was complaining that he was out of toothpaste, cheese, and there wasn't enough money. I hate to see it in a few months when there is even less. The very first thing he will do is go out and get a money order and mail in their tithe so they can get the books they want from this ministry. He told me he would rather starve and tithe than not support the ministry.

 

I had a meeting with the attorney today to explore options about the guardianship. She reminded me that processing things does take time, so we did need to continue with the 90 day paperwork due this month. She agreed that my list of needs did need to be addressed, and normally would be, without the family dynamics in play. It was a relief to hear someone else say, "Family dynamics are strange things. In spite of you wanting what's best for them, they seek something else. That's why they're in a guardianship."

 

She did say that there were a few professional guardians who might see to "consult" with me for a monthly fee, to act as 'leverage' to help get things established, prior to taking over full guardianship. I said that I would love to try that for a month or so, then hand it off, for my parents won't magically change their ways for a stranger. It would also serve as a good transitional period and not be so abrupt so as to take more time away from my work.

 

I am so glad to know there are options and that people are willing to help me explore them.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Crazy4Canning

[CrabGrassAcres]

So glad you are getting help with this. The load is too heavy for you to bear alone.

[Amishway Homesteaders]

sometimes it is hard to do what is right.