A New "Normal"

[Ambergris]

It's a good thing I didn't expect this to be easy, emotionally or physically. I left DH at the bus station holding a ticket to Savannah, so drunk he couldn't talk straight, six days ago. It's been six days since anyone has insulted me, told me how I'm incapable of loving and would therefore die bitter and alone. Six days since anyone has brought me a cup of coffee or set a towel in the dryer to warm as I ran my bath water.

His last night here was spent wandering from the party in the yard to the pile of clothing and stuff he was considering taking. He ended up taking only the clothes on his back and what fit in a backpack. He left other clothes scattered across the living room and piled on the couch. I couldn't face them until today. This morning I folded the clean items and stowed them in the sea bag he decided would be too heavy to carry. He may send for it. He may not. I keep picturing him holding a piece of cardboard by the side of the road, and my heart breaks.

Someone came into the house the other day and took two of his favorite items: a throwing tomahawk and a spiral-cut walking stick. The person walked past and reached past more valuable items to get those. I have the impression someone just wanted a memento or two. But we have put security on the front burner.

The filth and squalor he left behind on the side-porch area where he spent his time is breathtaking. There are broken beer bottles and large shards of mirror everywhere. I've shoveled some into the trash, but we're going to have to make a few runs to the dump. I need to find out if Waste Management will carry off the peed-on couch and the broken fridge. It wasn't like this a year ago. Not anything like this. I have to wonder if some kind of dementia was at work along with the booze and the drugs. The booze and drugs were a choice, freely made. If there was dementia too, though, that's illness. That's something I should have found a way to treat.

Our closest neighbor is moving out rather suddenly. I hope someone doesn't immediately look over the fence and call the health people. I'm working on cleaning it up. Really, I am. My sons are too. But there's just so much to do.

I have no idea where the chickens are roosting, but it's not where DH said they were roosting. I need to trap them to put them in the chicken yard, but it turns out the fence-over and the back side of the chicken yard have been damaged by falling chunks of tree. They need substantial repair. I also need to pick up enough pine straw to floor the yard and re-make the nesting boxes. That's a lot of pine straw.

I need to get a new hand-truck. The old one has disappeared.

The cats are upset. At least two have started peeing inside. Not, of course, in convenient areas.

My sons are upset as well. They're showing it in different ways, but DH has raised them since they were small.

The agreement was he had through 9-11 to collect any of his stuff he wanted. I'm planning to have things like his camo field jacket cleaned, folded, and boxed up by then. Planning to. My day job is not going to have eternal patience with me.

There's just so much to do. And so much that only he knew how to do.

[dogmom4]

Any kind of change is hard...even a change that most people would perceive as positive. A lost relationship is still lost even if it is a good thing that he is gone because I'm sure there were some good times. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. Do you have other family and friends who you can ask to help? Trying to work and take care of everything will run you down. Take care of yourself and your sons.

[Cat]

You had a life together, and that is not easily relinquished. Your heart is showing.

 

Could he have asked somebody to grab those two items *for* him? Stay safe, Dear.

 

I'm still praying for you all. I wish you weren't so far away.

[Jeepers]

Ambergris, that breaks my heart. He chose drugs and alcohol over his family. If there was dementia…who could have seen it for the substance abuse? You aren’t to blame for his behavior regardless of how it manifested itself.

 

Please know that it will get better! The only thing worse than being alone is being alone with an abusive partner. You will learn how to do the things he used to do or learn where to get them done and you will feel proud of yourself for doing it. I know.

 

Having a cup of coffee or a warm towel for you is not a fair trade off for living with someone who abuses you. You can do those things for yourself without having to pay such a high price for them.

 

Try not to worry too much about the neighbors. I’ve watched enough of the hoarder type shows to know that as long as a person is actively working on the problem the law will leave them alone. They may ask about it, but just tell them your situation and that it is being taken care of.

 

Change is hard even good change. Hang in there and know you are sitting a good example for your sons. How not to treat a woman and the consequences of their behavior.

 

Part of your feelings right now are probably the result of how he wants you to feel. It isn’t easy to think positive when you’ve been beaten down and manipulated. It’s easier to think of the good times and the ‘what ifs’.

 

You tried hard to keep it together, sought out professional help and did everything you could. But it takes two. Two to make a marriage and two to keep it together.

 

You aren't alone. Many of us have been through it or will go through it, and came out happier in the end. Keep looking forward. It will get better, I promise.

 

Wish we lived closer too.

[Mt_Rider]

Agree with all of the above. Nothing to add except

 

 

MtRider [....oh, and breaking in any new normal is the pits! BTDT But it gets easier. ]

[Annarchy]

[windmorn]

[homeschoolshe]

Been praying for you, your sons, and your DH. I didn't know for sure what was going on, but had an inkling. Was praying for your safety, and will continue to do so.

[CrabGrassAcres]

All I can add, is that, even though the marriage wasn't good for you, there was still the thought in your heart that there might be hope for change. Sometimes, the person who needs to change cannot do it until he has no props under him. You cannot help him any more. He must stop leaning on you and get his own act together. He has to come to the realization that he is responsible for himself and cannot blame you or any body else. Whether he actually does, is up to him.

 

Yes, it hurts. Been there, oh how I've been there. You have an adjustment to make, and so do your sons. You have to grieve what could have been and what was before the drinking and mind games started, then you can get on with healing and living.

 

HUGS hon.

[Ambergris]

[lumabean]

Thoughts and prayers for you and your sons.

[Becca_Anne]

It's a huge adjustment. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know you deserve so much better. Get therapy for YOU, and maybe even your kids if you think they need it. There is no shame in getting some support. Do not blame yourself he is responsible for his own behavior.

[The WE2's]

I can hear your broken heart, I can see you bleeding. But know this..."this too shall pass". It's a true tragedy when a soulmate relationship comes to an end...death or divorce. I was widowed after 42 years and faced a world I suddenly realized was very different. Married at 19...and suddenly at 60+ thrust into a world that seemed to consist of singles, marrieds, divorced or widowed. Most of whom I didn't know. I did know that as a Christian, they weren't going to find me on a bar stool! One of the most important things I did learn...if it makes my life more difficult, then it has no place in my life!!!! And that includes people! Some may think it's a calloused world view, but I served the church realm for 30+ years and gave 10% of everything I could get my hands on...but when my first husband passed...2 preacher friends "showed up". My daughter said "Mom, where's all you and Dad's church friends?" How do you answer that? So...I did like you're going to have to do...CLEAN HOUSE. And that's going to include people and things that make your life harder than it already is. Surround yourself with people that love and adore you...you need it. And don't be concerned with what people might think of you being "calloused" ... or "that's not the woman we used to know". You're NOT the woman you were a short time ago. My first husband was abusive...first 8 years by meanness, the last 3 by dimensia. I didn't have a happy marriage with him...even though I loved him...figure? Anyway, about a year after his death I found myself standing by his grave in the rain, sobbing...because I missed him? NO!!! Because I realized I had slipped from being a loving wife to a loving "caregiver". It set me free. Shortly after that I met my current husband on a ballroom dance floor where there was no alcohol or smoking...a true gentleman! Happy? You bet your sweet tootie! I wouldn't go back to the former way of life for nothing, and I thank our Lord every day for His grace in leading me through that mess I called my life to what is now my life. Hang in there girlfriend! There is something better ahead of you...take the right hand lane (off ramp) away from the highway of destruction you were on.

[Walelu]

Ambergris, my heart aches for you and your family. Since I am new to the forum I don't know the back-story to your situation, but I completely understand your turmoil and sadness. I've been there more than once. My ex-husband and the father of two of my children was an alcoholic. I loved him (still do), but I felt it was best for my children to get them away from such a negative lifestyle.

 

Unfortunately, he died in 2003 at the age of 50 from cirrhosis of the liver. It broke my heart for him, myself and our children. The main thing you need to remember is alcoholism is a sickness, and unless the person makes the decision to change it won't happen. I spent 20 years and did everything humanly possible to make him stop but nothing worked.

 

I will keep you and your children in my prayers and ask God to give you strength to face the future. If you want to talk privately send me a message. I'll be happy to listen. God be with you.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Walelu

[ANewMe]

So much wisdom here...nothing that I can add other than my prayers, hugs and love. Hang in there sweetie!

[Fullpantry]

Oh, Ambergris.......I can feel your pain and heartache. Keep your chin up and know there are a lot of people praying for you - and him.