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zzelle

My ❤ is heavy

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I don't know were else to say all of this so here goes nothing. In August our daughter told us she was a lesbian she liked girls and her girlfriend just broke up with her. We had no clue. We talked about and we got her into therapy and such because of her depression. Then she had a huge meltdown were she tried to cut her own hair and did not go well. We got her new meds. Several weeks pass and I ask her what is going on and she tells me she fells like she should have been born a boy. She does not like being a girl. She chose a boy name for her friends to call her but at home she still wants us to call her by her given name because she is too close to us and says it hurts her and she is not ready for us to call her by her guy name she has chosen because she is afraid it will hurt us. She is our only daughter. We want her to be happy no matter what. Please only positive feedback I have had enough bad from others and just needed a safe place I could get it all out. Thank you all for listening

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Posted (edited)

Right now, Zzelle, we are in an age of transition.  Being bi, being trans, being intersex, being queer, being other, is something people say out loud these days.  It's encouraged.  But really for a lot of people it boils down to a feeling of being other, feeling alien, feeling outside the current.  People have always had that feeling, especially in adolescence.  Some go wiccan, some go to drugs, some go to extreme sports, some diet themselves down to eighty pounds.  The new thing is saying "I'm trans."  I'm not saying she's not trans.  I'm saying she might be working through different issues and this is how she might be seeing it.  And you can help by not making her defend herself.  Just step back and let her try on the clothes and see that they don't fit.  (Or that they do, and that's another story.) 

I've had this conversation with people whose daughters have come out as wiccan, but really they were just feeling alien/outside. You build bridges, you don't lock doors.  For the wiccan in the Christian house, you advise them to look at Jesus as an agrarian deity in the winter-born king tradition, for example.  In the "this body isn't who I am" situation, whatever it's being called, you just say you love and accept whoever your child is and hope they don't insist on surgery.

Edited by Ambergris
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Thank you for your kind words. We are just letting her do her thing and letting her know we love her no matter what. We told her no surgery or anything like that till she is an adult and she has agreed. It is like she wants to be a boy with her friends and have them call her I don't know her name she has chosen. Then she still dresses like a boy hair but wants us to call her by her given name. She gets so upset when we say the wrong pronoun for a person who is bisexual or asexual all of that I tell her I don't know all of them. She gets mad and says they or them. Thanks for listening

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you are blessed that she trusts you enough to tell you and to come to you while she figures out her future.  She is feeling her way through things, and it is very hard, especially nowdays when gender choices are often fluid and changing.  She is blessed to have parents that love her unconditionally - she sounds like she is not certain of her choices right now and it is frustrating, since I am inclined to think her friends are pressuring her to commit more than she is ready for.  Adolescence is also a time of experimentation - she may change her mind several times - and even later in life she may do so.  Giving onself permission to change can be a hard thing for someone craving consistency and control of their life, and wanting approval from others.  You are right to let her know that whatever happens, whatever choices she makes, you will always love her because love truly trumps everything - fear, disappointment, frustration, confusion.....love is the beacon that shows the way through.  I am not sure I am getting the right words, but hopefully you understand  the gist of what I am saying.  (I have several gay friends who were afraid I would judge them and were relieved to find I still care for them just the same.  We laugh about their fears now, but they were overwhelming fears at the time.) 

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Zzelle, :hug3:

I agree with Ambergris and Kappydell. 

 

It sounds like she is very confused since she wants to be called a male name when with her friends and female with her family. Whether it's peer pressure or just plain old rebellion or maybe she really is feeling that way. Things change so often in a young persons life.

 

It's good she is in therapy for her depression. Maybe she will open up her feelings to her counsellor about her gender issues and get professional advice to help her sort through things. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a 'stranger' about personal matters.

 

Just give her time to figure it all out and continue to let her know you love her no matter what. 

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Thanks everyone so much that helps so much. That is what we are trying to do we just want her to be happy. We love her no matter what.

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Might I also recommend asking the counselor/therapist for recommendations on an organization for the PARENTS of LGBTQ+ persons?  

 

They'll have ideas and experience regarding how you can best support her.

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On 5/22/2020 at 4:29 PM, TheCG said:

Might I also recommend asking the counselor/therapist for recommendations on an organization for the PARENTS of LGBTQ+ persons?  

 

They'll have ideas and experience regarding how you can best support her.

Thank you all for your support

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