Guest Guest Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I have a rather difficult situation that I really don't know how to handle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My mom's best friend's son's wife (still with me? brace yourself, it's going to get even more confusing) nagged, begged, pleaded, and threw a general hissy fit about her husband having to go to Europe for 3 months with his reserve unit. (they have only been married 6 months.) Anyway, the unit was an Ohio unit. They live in Penn. now. She convinced him to transfer to a new unit in their home state. One hour after the transfer was finalized - the unit was told they were called up and heading to Iraq for a year. Panic set in. He tried to transfer back out - from what I understand she was a bit hysterical at the time. But no go. He transfered, it stuck. Now here's the tough part. She is a new bride in a town she doesn't know, and she feels guilty. Her mother in law (my moms best pal) is trying to not act like she blames her daughter, stuff happens. But her mother-in law wants me to talk to her. (Not knowing that once upon a time her son was seeing me and then dumped me for a string of other girls - straightened himself out and met his wife)Try and comfort her. Quote Link to comment
ozzzyyy Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Wow, whatta story! Well, my advise to you would be to forget the history chapter of this saga (dating her DH, her setting her DH to go away longer tour and to a more dangerous place, her mil blaming her...ect.) and start a new page. This new bride ia all alone and needs diversion desperately. She needs to be settled in a new area and you can be the wonderful friend to show her around and help her bide out this time. Possibly the history topics will come up later if your friendship takes off to a deeper level. But take one step at a time. Be a friend, she really could use one I'm sure you will make her smile like you do us here at Mrs. Survival. Thats just what she needs at a time like this. My heart goes out to her. I'm sure she is living in guiltland prison and needs to be broken out. With the military there are no guarantees of being deployed safely and speedily. The reality is that anything can happen, they will send whomever wherever whenever needed. All we can do is pray. I have a friend who is serving in Iraq in the reserves. He has been there almost a year and gets to come home for a 3 week leave to be with his wife. They are flying somewhere exotic to be alone for this too short period and then he goes back to Iraq. Its so very sad....but yet I'm inspired in knowing that men and women, like my friend, are serving our country. They are persons of integrity, deeply committed to doing what has to be done. Quote Link to comment
mrszouave Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Geeeeeeeee......that gal sure made things worse did'nt she..........toooooo bad......water under the bridge now........ I would think you could tell your mom/friend that you have nothing to say...but then they may be peeved at you....... Then i think the best thing you can do is call that gal......give her a hanky and a shoulder to cry on......she'll need somebody to talk to.....only thing is.......you may end up carry-ing a heavy burden so be prepared...........SOME people when they are depressed can tend to carry you down with them if your not careful. I'm also thinkin it may be best to not mention the hubby/dating part.......unless your really looking for a way out of the situation......then that might come in handy......and i'm thinkin she already KNOWS she messed up and it's her fault......when she mentions that.....just say.......nothing can be done about it now......you've got to accept it and move on......... I say.......IF you get involved.......just be there to listen.....go out for coffee....keep her company....that kindof thing......sometimes it's better just to listen and not to say much....cuz some people don't wanna hear what your saying anyway......they just need to vent. Oh........it's not jerry until you show off your boobies...keep your shirt on. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Hmmm... this is a bit of a sticky wicket! A couple of things you might want to discuss with the 'Moms'; First, are you absolutely sure she doesn't know you used to date her husband before they married? If she does, and the two of you aren't really friends, she may resent you for delving into her personal life. Second, the fact that you two are not friends, really is a major obstacle. One doesn't go to a perfect stranger and try to discuss personal relationships, unless advice is sought by the person with the problem. Think about the conversation; "Uh, hi! Your mother-in-law, told my mom, her best friend, that you are feeling badly because, your husband, my former boyfriend, got sent to Iraq because you forced him to transefer to a new Guard unit. Can I help?" I don't mean to sound glib about it; this is a very serious situation. This girl has to find her own support system. If she seeks advise from you, or her MIL, that's a whole different ball game but, for now, understand that she may end up hating all of you, if things go badly and she thinks you interfered in her marriage. It's one thing to advise close friends when they ask; giving unsolicited advice on such an emotional powder keg can be disastrous. Good luck, in whatever manner you choose to handle this sad situation. Quote Link to comment
gardnmom Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I agree that at this time she may just need a friend. If she wants to talk about it,that is the time to say whatever you feel is approiate. Just being there is sometimes the best solution. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Ginger, you know I love you and think the world of you but, I have to say I think you may have overlooked a couple of things. Chances are that this girl already knows that Jenna used to date her husband. I know I would, if it were me. Think about it. Jenna's mother and his mother are best friends. From a small town. I can hear the query now, after the wedding reception; "How many of those girls who were at our wedding, did you date before we met?" "Uh, why would you ask me that? " "Because, I saw the way they looked at you, and since I don't know them, I just guessed." "Oh. Well, I only dated a couple of them dear, but it didn't mean anything. I was waiting for you!" "Uh huh. Which ones?" You get the idea. The other thing is, Jenna and this girl don't live in the same town so, this would be long distance meddling in a strangers personal life! Personally, I think it is out of line for the mothers to even ask. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 You all have really good advice. Things to think on. just a few things.... 1) forgeting the past - really not an issue here ladies All I can do is look back at my younger self and groan. Well that and want to wear a bag over my head for being so dense. So the fact thet we dated really doesn't effect me too much anymore. I cried. I got over it. (It helps that when I see him now with the regulation military haircut those ears stick out like jug handles! Giggling at what you thought was so dreamy helps you get over stuff quicker) 2) The sticky part (among many) is that she really doesn't know we dated. They married fast, and he told her that they would both put the past behind them and never talk about what may be in the others closets. (I got soooooo lucky when we broke up. A man telling me that line today would have every danger signal going off in my brain) 3) She wants to be friends even though we live 4 hours away. Her m-in-law has tried to instill this "you two would be great pals" attitude in this poor girl. She is lonely and I do feel sorry for her. I just don't know how to help. Personally all I can think of is alll the ways her hubby is putting the blame on her and wanting to smack HIM. Not real helpful. I guess what I was really looking for was someone to say what I was feeling guilty for feeling. Thanks nanapop. Having both moms pushing this is starting to get a wee bit old. I always do have a problem getting my mom off a track once she gets on. Thanks to you all, you have really helped. Each of you in your own way. I thing (looking back at this MASSIVE missive.... I tend to run on, sorry) that the best thing I can do is, nothing. Looks like I need to go have a chat with my mom and tell her that this is something that I realy don't think I should get involveled in. Thanks all. Sorry for taking up so much space. Quote Link to comment
gardnmom Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Jenna, don't be sorry, here you will always get advise from all points of view. The only way to get it is ask for it. I know what you mean about the "lets not talk obout our past thing" my DH would introduce me to them and casually remark that they used to date. Idon't think I would have been comfortable with feeling like I had to drag info out of him. The young women (2) and I were good friends, after the introduction. He had really good taste in women. (He did marry me!) Quote Link to comment
ozzzyyy Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Nana, I love you, too! But I do have differing opinions than you once in awhile. I am a go with the heart first kinda person. Its my greatest strength as well as my deepest weakness. I suggested Jenna to be a friend not a bosom buddy. I know fully well that true friendship takes time, trust and commitment on both ends. I do agree that the mothers need to tone it down on pressing this union between Jenna and Home-Alone-Bride. Jenna, I am glad you have a sense of peace in this issue. It shows how huge your heart is to even be concerned. You need not feel guilty if your heart is not in making this girl comfortable. She's sure to find her way and her own network of support. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Boy........glad I came once you had a solution...not sure what to tell ya.....I guess IF you wanted to travel 4 hrs away to be with her, then you could do that...and like Ginger said, not necesserily to be bossom buddies (sp?).......but it really is not your responsibility, and I also agry that the "moms" should tone it down a bit...and I also know how that is.....anyway, you just have to remember that you have to be true to yourself... Quote Link to comment
Linda Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Boy oh boy .... what fun ... Not... I think the mothers need to back off also. And as for the gals mil she needs to try and be there for the gal too. but that is my two cents worth. and Jenna, don't be sorry for coming here with any kind of problem. I have found out that is all part of Mrs S. We are glad to have ya. Good luck girl with what ever you do in this situation Quote Link to comment
PatiSue Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Well, just another .02 (and worth every penny, if that...).... I am a military wife, grew up in the military, etc. Currently I am thousands of miles away from my family. My father just called a couple of weeks ago and said "Oh there is a guy that I went to school with and guess what? His son is remote to Korea but his wife is still in your area and is really lonely. Also there is another guy who works with me and his child and their family are up there too. You might call them if you want to....". So I did. Why? For two reasons: I do not think you can have too many friends and it just broke my heart to hear that the one wife was so lonely and that her dh was going to be gone for a year. I could not imagine how it must feel (or actually I could and it kills me) and I know that I would love for someone to call me out of the blue and say "Hey, how are you doing?". Not everyone feels this way of course, but I sure would appreciate it! The MIL is best friends with your mom. They both have girls in the family about the same age. It would be natural to try to get them together at some point--especially if you know one of them is quite lonely. You cannot and should not be the girl's counselor at all, but it probably would not hurt to just email her and say "hey", if that is something you wanted to do. It might not be the first thing on your list, but it might mean the world to the girl. Military life is really really hard on folk and yes, I am sure she is wallowing in guilt and yes she and her hubby should both be slapped for letting the situation get out of control. However we all make mistakes. If I was judged on my stupidity, I would not have a friend in the world! OF COURSE the choice is yours, but since you do not have a problem with the past, since your mom and her MIL are friends and since she is going through a rough time, maybe an email or phone call would not be a horrible idea. Should you play counselor? NO!!!!!! But even if she had not pushed her husband into this situation,she would still be feeling pretty poopy. I would tell the mothers that you are going to counsel this girl, no matter what you decide to do. If you decide to extend the hand of friendship, that is one thing, but tell them that you are not a therapist (nicely of course lol). I guess that is my point (did I mention it takes me a long time to get to things?). Would you still feel as reticent if your mom said ONLY "Hey, I know a girl whose dh is deployed for a year and is pretty down. Would you mind giving her a call?". If you would do that under those circumstances, then perhaps consider doing that now. Everyone acts really stupidly some time--especially the first time they are faced with a long term separation. I grew up in this, and was still a big brat when my sweetie first started going on TDY's and to school, etc. I am sure he was glad to leave after as ugly as I was being! You grow up, get a grip and then when they leave, it just leaves a dull ache, not a bleeding, burning pain in your heart. And you know, he might have been called up if he had stayed in his old unit anyway--things are pretty hopping right now... It sounds like I am trying to persuade you to do this, and maybe I am, and that is wrong of me. You have to make the decision. I just wanted to show a different side of the issue form someone who has gone through some of that. Take it for what it is worth (which is probably not much) . A. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 Again, I want to thank everyone for their wonderful advice (differing viewpoints all Anyawy, on the upside, she is now so angry at him that she isn' tooo upset about leaving the country, and HE is pretty glad to be out of range of any low-flying skillets. I really feel bad for her, I do. I also feel bad for him. No good answers, no real happy ending. They will make up before he leaves (I hope) but it will not be through any advice of mine. Sorry, not the most cheerful post in the world, but it is a good lesson in staying out of other people's marriges....... and also good to know that sometimes you get proof that the ones taht got away, the ones you always wondered about... are often great sighs of relief that they are gone! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 Woah... what a mess! I really have to ask, had you called her to try to talk before the volcano errupted? If so, did it do any good? If not, how did you end up faring after the explosion? I know this girl is not trying to take this out on you... And the $640,000 (inflation, you know) question is, have the mothers decided to stop trying to push you into the middle of this mess? If not, get a flak jacket and a helmet, hon, you're going to need it. Quote Link to comment
ozzzyyy Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 Life is good when you find out years later how things might have been if certain events did not take place. I'm glad this guy is out of your life. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 21, 2003 Share Posted December 21, 2003 Nanapop: Nope, hadn't called yet (had it on my prayer list and was planning on trying after sergent nitwit let for Texas.) so I lucked out a bit there. And while the mothers have let up on the "you could be just the bestest buddies" program, they do want to know when, how long, and why wasn't everybody aware we were dating. Well, my mom knew, but for reasons he never explained he hadn't told his mom. Everyone just assumed it was known. Yes, I know, stupid stupid me for dating him. In my defense though, I was 15-16 at the time and my dating life was well him and um, him. Quote Link to comment
mrszouave Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Well now your off the Hook Jenna........the wife is peeved.....so is her mom.......so problem of being buds is solved.........right? I've got my popcorn ready to hear the next Jenna adventure......be waitin... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Move over, Blebbie, and let me have some of that popcorn.......this show is good! Quote Link to comment
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