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Daniel the gangster wants to rub out a client that's not paying his gambling bills.

Times are hard so he only has $1.00 to pay his hit man, Artimus to do the job.

The hit man goes to do the job but forgets his gun and has to strangle the client.

Next, two of the clients friends come in and he has to take them out also.

What do you think the headlines are the next day in the paper?

Answer: Arti-chokes three for a dollar.



The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that:

Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.



What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?

String beans.



Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known as Cole's Law...



Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them.

An ambulance rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into surgery.

Finally the doctor emerged and approached the carrot who had been anxiously awaiting news.

"Tell me Doc, how is he?"

The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is he's going to live.

The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.



Why is it not wise to tell secrets in a cornfield?

There are too many ears.



When is a cucumber like a strawberry?

When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam.



Have you heard of the garlic diet?

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.



What is a Honeymoon Salad?

Lettuce alone, with no dressing.


Knock, Knock

Who's there? Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in and you'll find out.


What did the lettuce say to the celery?

Quit stalking me.


What do you say to rotten lettuce?

You should have your head examined.



Boy Melon: Honey, can we run away and get married?

Girl Melon: Sorry, I cantaloupe.


Where do watermelons go for holidays?

John Cougars' Melon Camp


An old farmer was once asked what the difference was between a watermelon and a sweet pea.

He thought about it for a moment and replied: "Well, I think about 20 minutes."


A girl visited a farm one day and wanted to buy a large watermelon.

"That will be three dollars," said the farmer.

"I've only got 30 cents," said the young girl.

The farmer pointed to a very small watermelon in the field and said, "How about that one?"

"Okay, I'll take it," said the girl, "but leave it on the vine. I'll be back for it in a month."


Knock, Knock

Who's there? Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe who?

Cantaloupe tonight; Dad's got the car.



What was green and a great trick shot artist?

Annie Okra



Do you want "corny" jokes?

Nah. We want jokes with "a peel".

Sorry, but jokes about onions bring tears to my eyes.



If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?



I eat my peas with honey.

I've et them all my life.

It makes the peas taste funny,

But it keeps them on my knife.



My mother-in-law grows a great patch of potatoes.

In fact, to get them off to a good start, she plants each seed potato in a small paper bag........

It keeps the dirt out of their eyes.


Knock, Knock

Who's there? Spectator.

Spectator who?

Do ya' spectators will grow well this year?


What do you call a stolen yam?

A hot potato.


A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?"

"Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant.

"Well," came the explanation, "I'm always being late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock ...."

(If you think about it long enough, you'll get it; it's a play on words - if I got up at eight o'clock)


POTATO HAIKU by Kim Hodges (copyright 1995):

Potato Peelings

Winter - outside my window

six potatoes huddle

on the telephone line

twittering softly.


Spring - leaves open

the first potato pops up,

sees its shadow,

and goes back down.

Two more weeks of winter.


Spring - a small potato

has fallen out of its nest.

the large ones circle

hysterically, shrieking.


A potato peaks out

from behind the sofa

time to set traps again


Potato Scraps

The men from McDonald's

race across the field with nets

potatoes scurry in all directions

some hide under lettuce leaves,



Budget cuts at USDA -

homeless potatoes linger

in doorways and on street corners

occasionally one leaps out

at passersby.


Most are bakers, the police say,

a few pit potatoes have been seen -

those are the dangerous ones.


The thief stopped her.

She rummaged in her purse,

handed him the potato.

Is that all? he demanded.


She reached in again,

gave him the packets

of butter and sour cream.

He left, grumbling,

'No chives again'.


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