HapyGirl Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 Sometimes I wonder if my mother just hates me because I was born I guess this is a crystal clear lesson on how not to parent your adult child! Is it any wonder I am afraid to ask for what I need in my relationship???!!!! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Becca-Anne}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You are loved, you are cherished, and you are of great value. You are *not* wrong to want a marriage based on love and respect. You do not *have* to have a relationship with someone who does not respect you, mother or not. Your very *first* responsibility, at this stage of your life, is to your children, because they are so young. Next but not far behind, comes your husband, and you're working on that. (When you begin working yourself out of the "Mommy" job, he must be your first. ) I understand all too well what you're going through, and my solution has always been to draw closer to my husband and to keep a safer distance from my mother. You can be cordial but not tell her everything; respectful but not allow her into your personal life. If she talks about you to your children... bye! THEY don't need that. I think sometimes mothers are harder on their daughters because they relate too closely to them and their lives. If you have the financial security that she didn't have and wished for, she could be jealous, in an odd sort of way. If you have a loving husband that she once wished for, that can cause jealousy. She may not even realize where it comes from. Let us be your "Mom" when you need it, and believe me, Becca-Anne, when she needs you for something, you'll be *hers* again. Love ya, gal... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 (((((Becca Anne))))) Are you sure my DH and you aren't related??? My Mom and I have a wonderful relationship...my MIL on the other hand...well that's another story... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 Becca, I think that Cat pretty much said it all. When you need to vent, come here to do it.....we love you, and will support you. {{{{Becca}}}} Quote Link to comment
ozzzyyy Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 (((((((Becca-Anne)))))))) I agree with all said....wonderful counsel we have here!! If I may add one thing it would be to keep the important relationship subject matter in emails to a complete low. I love the convenience of email but its times like this, that face to face and heart to heart is what is needed. You are a wonderful daughter, wife, mother, and friend!! The very fact that you stated this concern about your mother and your relationship shows the depth of your love and compassion. May the healing waters of reconciliation wash over you and your mother. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Love ya! Quote Link to comment
gardnmom Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 I have nothing to add to the advice given. Just want to say that I want the best of everything for all on this forum. For each of us what is best is going to be different. We are all unique, each of us can tolerate some things that would drive another "mad", but we all deserve relationships that are based on mutual respect. (((Becca))) Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 A little something to cheer you up! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 Awwwwwwwwwwww, Becca Anne. (((((((((((((((((BECCA ANNE)))))))))))))))) I can relate, had the same problem with DH and we are newly weds, well sorta, we got married 3 times and divorced none (go figure ). I had to talk to DH several times and show him what a 'Normal' marriage and relationship was supposed to be like. It took several times to make him see it. Then when I finally got through to him and he knew I was not going to except ANYTHING LESS than what I had a right to........... I cut him off and made him practically beg me. He got the point loud and clear. Then onto the next hurdle. I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever want to talk, or want a good listener, or a shoulder to cry on, here is one from someone who understands and has been through an awful lot in her life too. Hill Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 ((((((((((Becca_Anne))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar, yet very very different. I found a support group that is led by a psychologist that has been through the same thing I am going through. I emailed her the other day and recieved a quick, welcoming reply. The two things she said to me were: 1. You are NOT crazy. 2.You will NOT go crazy. I just broke down and cried. Everyone who did now know the facts, thought I was off of my rocker. I realized that when the truth came out, I had worked my butt off trying to please him and it was impossible. However through the whole thing, I kept telling myself and my kids: You have to still love your dad. He's a creature of God. You do NOT have to like what he has done. I tell myself that over and over and over again. I sure hope things settle down for you real soon. Just remember....YOU ARE NOT CRAZY and YOU WILL NOT GO CRAZY! God Bless You. Quote Link to comment
logcabinmama Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 ((((((Becca)))))) The others have said so much. But I would like to add one thing, or two. I feel your mom was very wrong for not listening to you. You said you didn't tell her everything. But did you tell her enough that she knows what is really going on, if you did, I'm wondering is she has had this problem too, or one simular and is hiding it from her family. Therefore is not sure how to handle things. So, takes it out on you. Wait a while and call her and see what she has to say. Maybe she will have a change of heart. Know we love you here and you are alright. I will be praying for you as well as your mom. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 If you Mother uses what you tell her as ammunition against you then just don't tell her anything. Keep your conversation with her on her and not on you. In other words, keep asking her questions abut her. Each time she asks you a question about you, skirt around her question turn it around and ask tthe same question back of her. "Me? fine, but how are you doing today?", "The children? fine but how is your....... coming along", "my husband and I fine, how is Dad feeling" and so on. I have a feeling that this isn't a behavior your Mother just picked up, but has been this way all of her life. I think some ompassion and pitty has to be given to her as she only knows what she was taught. Think about how your poor Grandmother was raised? This doesn't mean you have to embrace it. It wasn't until your generation that women acheived close to equal status. I am not saying to embrace your mother, on the contrary, just hold her at arms length. One more comment about your children. Do you really want your children exposed to a person that causes their Mother mental harm? how soon before she tells these precious children that it is the fault of the mother for the fathers behavior? "If your Mother did this... then your Father wouldn't do that..." If we as adults are to lead our children by example, is this the example you want your children exposed to? Some people we need to put on a Limited Relatonship..perhaps your mother is one of those that you need to have a Limited Relationship with. Quote Link to comment
HapyGirl Posted March 21, 2003 Author Share Posted March 21, 2003 You are right she is goign through some of the same, only I think she is identifying too much with my husband as the cheif wage earner. She has never truly respected my decision not to have a career as much as she has verbally said she does. I always knew this day would come, if I ever dared have my own ideas about things. Oh well the ball is in her court. I won't sink down to her level. From now on she'll only hear positive things from me, never a whisper that everything isn't perfect. Because that is what I am being rejected for, not being PERFECT. I'm not exaggerating either. Since that is an imposibility I will have to just accept that she will never be able to give me unconditional love and support. I will just have to give it to her and my own children and hope that it is enough. Thank you all for YOUR unconditional love and support for me. It has given me the softest place to fall and I can't tell you enough how much all of you mean to me Quote Link to comment
Goose Liver Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 We're here for ya Becca...... Quote Link to comment
Goose Liver Posted March 21, 2003 Share Posted March 21, 2003 Sorry Becca that was not supposed to show a smiley face on the reply of my last post to you...must be an automatic thing my fingers do....... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted March 22, 2003 Share Posted March 22, 2003 ((((((((((((((((((Becca)))))))))))))))))) I'm available if you need a 'mom'. IMHO, I'd just ignore her Quote Link to comment
Lois Posted March 22, 2003 Share Posted March 22, 2003 We're all here for you Becca..... and If you cant handle the things your mom is saying and doing, then cut off the relationship for awhile hun... yes your kids need to know their grandmother, but not when she is being hateful to you and putting you down. YOU DONT DESERVE THAT. luv ya T. Quote Link to comment
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