funny quotes - although some are true!

[mistylady]

Good Quotes (I marked my favorite)

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

-- Spike Milligan

 

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

-- Mark Twain

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

-- Joe Namath

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

 

One I really liked! Maybe it's true that life begins at forty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

 

Oh so true one --- The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Bookworm]

Hee hee hee! Those are good! I like your new sig line too!