Does anyone have any words of advice for us?

[Guest Guest]

I am so angry and hurt right now. My husband has a 14 year old daughter that lives with us. Her mother died when she was 6 years old. She has learned how to act stupid (like she don't know what in the world we are talking about, even with the simpliest, understandable things.), manipulative, so sweet, cuddly and oh so innocent. She lies when ever it suits her needs to get past or through what ever situation she is in, she is in full rebellion and filled with hate and anger.

All her life she dreamed of living on a farm and having animals. Her Dad met me, I had a farm and needed help working it and keeping it. Plus I wanted a best friend and companion.

I excepted his daughter as if she was one of my own (I don't have any children of my own). I went out and bought her nice clothing and turned her into the pretty red head she is. We went shopping together, most of the time window shopping together, but when we saw something we both really liked I usually bought it for her. I taught her a trade and skills that she will be able to fall back on in times of need. We bought animals together and I tried to spend lots of time working with her teaching her how to properly take care of them. I have tried to teach her how to cook but she figures out ways to disappear every time.

We had a lot of fun times together. Now they are all gone. She is a self-centered, mean spirited, angry, rebellious child. She seems to think we owe her everything ( I gave her things and did things with her and for her but was also honest and tough on her when it was needed. I didn't get into spoiling her, just giving her and doing things with her that I felt a girl should have). Her nose gets bent way out of joint when she thinks I have something she doesn't. If I buy her fruits and vegetables that I know she loves she will NEVER touch them, she lets them rot in the refrigerator. If I buy fruit or vegetables and put them away, than later get some out and she see's me eating some she will say, "where's mine", like I owe her some and was a bad parent when I didn't just jump up and get her some. I tell her she knows how to go to the refrigerator and get her own. She gets angry and refuses to eat any.

She has been starving the animals and not watering them. When we ask her if they are fed and watered she says yes, just for us to learn a couple days later that we have animals dying from thirst and starvation.

I wrote her up a check list so she could read and check off what work she had to do and make sure it got done. Everything her Dad and I have tried to get her to become responsible and grow up, she goes through the motions and makes us think she is doing her chores and as soon as we are too busy to ride herd on her and over see her every action, she goes back to neglecting the animals. Soon she comes in bawling, holding another dead or dying animal. SHE NEGLECTED THEM AGAIN!

She will bawl every night for weeks over the dead animals. She says she doesn't want to farm anymore because she cry's and hurts when ever an animal gets sick or dies. She is planing to go to collage to become a vet!

We have told her she is the one killing them and if she was a vet she would be looking at prison. NOTHING we say OR DO gets her attention or fazes her in the least. We make her face what she has and is doing just for her to go out and do it all over again! Her Dad finally told her if she didn't straighten up he was going to spank her. Finally the day came that he had to spank her. He gave her 2 gentle swats on the butt with a belt. He just wanted to warn her and hurt her pride hoping it would be enough to straighten her up. The swats were not hard enough to leave a mark even or sting anything but her pride.

She went to school the next day and turned her Dad in for child abuse! She also has been visiting a friend's home (she lives with her grandparents in a foster care home type situation). In July these parent (grand) of her friend took her out and bought her an outfit for her birthday that was a couple weeks away. They also got her a haircut. They had her call home and seek permission for the haircut. When I got home and found out, I told my husband that haircuts are for families to do not for other families to interfere in. I told him it made me wonder about these ppl. because non-family members don't decide to give someone else's child a hair cut. That is interfering in the family structure.

Well now I find out that his daughter has been going around telling all who will listen that we are mean, abusive parents and she turned her Dad into the authorities for hitting her with a belt! She claims it hurt really bad and left a red mark on her butt cheeks for a whole day. I was there, I saw him do it and he did NOT hurt anything but her pride. He barely made contact with her butt. Her problem is that she is 14 years old and received her first ever spanking and didn't like it. (Her words) Dad promised her more if she didn't straighten up. So she decided to make him pay and cried to all who will listen to her. And it is now looking like plenty are listening! We are being labeled abusive parents and the lady raising her granddaughter in the foster care situation is also voicing her opinion, to our daughter! She told her that her Dad was wrong to hit her with a belt and that she should do something about it because it is abuse! Well that just added fuel to our daughter's fire and she is playing it for all it is worth.

At this point we don't know if anything will come of it or not, all we know is the lies she has been telling others about us and that the authorities have been notified.

I was so angry I made her talk to me. I asked her why she did this to her father and she said because he spanked me and I didn't like it. I asked her if she thought he was wrong in spanking her and she said yes even Phyllis (this foster care Mom) told her it was. I asked her if she wanted her Dad to go to prison for trying to make her mind and stop starving animals. She said I didn't like it and I turned him in to Social Services.

I asked her why she thought she was better than her Dad and didn't have to mind him. She said she never said she was better and he spanked me and I just didn't like it. So then I asked her if she thought it was ok to starve small defenseless animals and make them go 2 days without water (before we discovered they were out) in the hot sun. She said no. Then I asked her if she thought it was ok to disobey us and lie to us telling us she took care of the animals when she didn't. Again she said no. I then asked her if she thought her Dad and I liked it when the animals died because she starved and neglected them. She again said no.

Then I asked her how she would feel if I picked up the phone and called the animal control officer and filed a complaint against her for neglecting and starving animals. She said you wouldn't do that to me. (Oh was I mad, but I kept my composer) I said, oh, I wouldn't? You did that to your Dad didn't you? What makes you think I wouldn't do that to you? What makes you think you can use the law to hurt your Dad but think your above the law when you torture animals with a slow painful death?

I asked her why she thinks she does not have to take care of the animals and do chores. She said she shouldn't have to do it all by herself (that happens about once a week when her Dad and I can't be here because we are working, the rest of the time we do it or help her with it and do it together as a family.). I asked her if she was my child? Was she my responsibility? She said No. I asked her why she thought I should have to fix her meals, why should I have to wash her laundry, why should I have to clean house? She said because it is your house.

I asked her why I should buy her nice clothes, why should I have bought her dressers to put her clothes in, why should I have to spend 4 days in her bedroom cleaning it and getting it so she has some room to do things in it, why should I have to get her dressers all set up and her clothes all organized and put away neatly for her so she could finally have a nice room to go to? Why should I have bought her a clock radio with a CD player in it so she would have something nice in her room? She told me because I couldn't do it myself(we cleaned out part of a storage room and gave her half of it for her bedroom, best we can do until we do an addition onto this trailer And the bedroom is big. Her half she has is twice the space she had in the home she lived in before moving here.). I reminded her that I am disabled and I am not supposed to do a lot of things I do for us and her. I reminded her that there are things I can't do and if I do I pay in pain and suffering because I did. Then I asked her again why, when I am disabled, should I do all these things for you?

Then I asked her what she wanted in her future as an adult? She said a job, a house, a car, a husband, kids. I asked her if she thought she could get and keep a husband acting the way she acts and being too lazy to do anything including learning how to cook? I asked her if you did get a good husband, do you think you could keep him for the rest of your life and do you think he would be happy married to you acting the way you act? I told her her Dad and I are trying to do everything we can to show her how to prepare for life ahead as an adult, if you mess it up, you will have no one to blame but yourself and there is nothing we can do to stop you. It is your choice how you prepare for and shape your future. If you choose to keep going the way you are going and mess it up there is NOTHING we can do about it. You are the only one that can decide you want something worth having in your life and do what you need to do to get it. You are 14 years old, in 9th grade and now is the time to start planning for your future.

Has any of you went through this? How did you get through it? Any advice? Any survival skills we can glean from? We need all the prayers and help we can get here.

Hill

A problem is just a challenge waiting to be conquered.

Impossibilities are just possibilities waiting to be made possible.

You can't stop the curve balls of life but you can choose how you will handle them.

[Lois]

Oh Hill, I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this with your step-child. I have one of those too... we just keep telling ourselves she will be 18 in 13 more months... your family is in our prayers. twi

[Guest Guest]

And you want to marry this gal's Dad???? (just kidding...)

Yup, Dear - looks like you have a full-blown teenager.

My own *sweet* firstborn (17 1/2, mind you!!) has only to feed and water the dog and if there's no homework, there are other chores to do, but no other daily ones. I have caught him lying to me about whether he did that simple job. His hearing is extremely selective... or he claims he didn't *know* he had to feed the dog (WHAAAAT????).

Self-centered, rebellious, contrary, stubborn... but then you know all that. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it means she's normal, as far as the teen years can be called "normal". (And, yes, there ARE exceptions.)

The only thing that makes living with a teenager bearable is remembering how sweet they were as babies. But you don't have that to carry you through.

Maybe realizing that someday she will have teenagers of her own will help you through it??? (I promise... by that time, you will have gotten a LOT "smarter" in her opinion!!)

For the biggest problem, as I see it, be very careful about the abuse charge and possible actions. I believe that by law they must check it out.

However, a 14-year-old being spanked for the first time will hardly gain much sympathy, so she *might* be advised by her friend's grandmother (or decide on her own) to accuse him of sexual abuse for better sympathy/leverage.

If she accused him at school, they might have taken pictures of her "sore bottom", so you might be "saved" by the lack of real evidence.

In my *own* opinion, I think 14 is a bit too old for spanking, especially if it was the first time. A much more effective punishment is "grounding", followed by taking away things she has in her room that make it a "fun" place to be.

I would not allow contact outside of my own home with this "friend" and her interfering grandmother. Invite the girl over if you must, but keep your DD away from Grandma. Even MY MOM would not DARE to get my children a haircut without permission!!!

One of the things I learned to do early was to tell my kids clearly and calmly (BEFORE the situation presented itself) what the "rule" was, and what the punishment would be for not following the rule.

For example:

First time of missing her chores... She is grounded for a day, or a week. Staying home, no outings, no shopping, etc. This includes any fun things after school (do you know how embarrassing it is to explain to your friends that you're grounded for not feeding/watering animals???). (My DD was too ashamed to take a note back to her teacher saying she couldn't attend an after school meeting because she was afraid he'd ask "why" , and she'd have to say she'd lied to us.)

She won't care, because she'll figure you won't follow through if something "important" comes up.

Second time, grounded and cd player taken away for same time.

Third time, something else. No TV, no telephone, no fun anything. If it continues, her "things" get removed for months or a year. If she ends up with a bed and a light in her room, it's *her* fault.

Don't yell or scream, just check to see every day if she's done her chores, and when she misses it, calmly tell her she's grounded. Don't explain, and don't allow yourself to get pulled into an argument... they LOVE that!! (They always think they win, somehow.)

Be absolutely sure her Dad agrees to this, because if the two of you aren't together in this, you may as well not do it. Any split between you two... she'll use it.

Choose your battles wisely. If she doesn't want to cook, don't make her. Some day she'll come to you to learn, when she misses "real food".

But doing her own laundry is a good thing. Not having clean clothes for school is a REAL motivator for some kids.

Keep loving her, and tell her so, but tell her that instead of hurting your relationship by fighting with her, you're going to give her the opportunity to act responsibly, and giving her consequences for her actions are the way.

Yes, she'll mess up. And the problems won't go away until she matures some more.

These are just my thoughts, and with kids, most of what "works" depends on the child and their "bent". Only you & her Dad can tailor these thoughts into something workable for your situation.

Good luck... and try to keep loving her. Find something to laugh with her about (never AT her, of course) because it's nearly impossible for her to stay mad when she's laughing with you.

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[Guest Guest]

I have to agree with alot Cat said...

I think it is *classic* teenager...they think they know it all, they're *testing* their wings and they will push as far as you allow...

I think it's best to just keep it simple.

Right is right. Wrong is wrong. And the things she has been doing very easily fall into a clear black and white zone. Not feeding helpless, innocent, dependant animals is appalling...forgetting occassionally can happen, but consistantly making a decision to be lazy in that regard is wrong. Personally I woulda made her handle it all...from digging the grave to burying it, *if that's how ya'll lay to rest your animals*, and then like Cat said, she would be placed on restriction.

I don't think that's far from how real life goes anyway. If she worked for a company and didn't do something that was asked and given to her a responsibility, repeated offenses would cause her to lose that job.

Not one of us is OWED anything. Everything we have is a gift and a blessing and it's not until we get older that we realize how fragile life and things can be. As her parent though, I believe your charged for teaching those harsh truths so that when she does grow up and leave the protection and confines of your home, she will have been equipped with the training to make it out there in that world.

From what you've described, it sounds like you're on the right track though. You take the time to explain, trying to open her eyes...

I just think she needs to *reap* what she's *sowing*...

(((((((hillbilly)))))))

Keep us posted.

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[ozzzyyy]

((((((Hillbilly)))))))

The ladies here have more than adaquately expressed what I would have said. If I could add anything, it would be to evaluate and weigh every action and line it up to what it will really matter in 5 years. You must pick your battles to have a ongoing relationship with your teen.

I had and still have to do this with my 18 year old son who still lives at home.

 

Examples:

Not keeping his room clean...really does not matter in 5 years. Mind you, this MOM will not be cleaning up one stitch of garbage from this room as long as he resides there.

Hopefully in 5 years, he will be out on his own and can choose to live in this way or clean up his act by then. His choice.

Not having the desire to get out of bed till 3-5pm; does have significant value and does matter in 5 years in order to hold down a job. This is a daily ongoing battle in our household and the consequences of this matter, greatly outweigh the 5 year rule in my opinion.

The same with your step daughter...not taking care of animals/pets properly does matter in 5 years as it may lead to child abuse... pray not but you get the jest of this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wonderful *mother* to stand in the gap for this confused and misguided teen...she will come around in time. She will come out of the teen years and blossom into the woman you dreamed her to be. Its only a stormy season...bright sunny days are ahead.

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[Guest Guest]

Hilly, it sounds like you've been offered some really valuable advice. I don't have any human kids, just canine kids, so I'm totally inexperienced, but you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I would probably be in jail if someone who agreed to take care of my animals, neglected them and let them die.

[Guest Guest]

Hilly,

Yes, you have been offered all great advice here. I have a son who will be 14 in a few months and a daughter who is 11.

In light of your present situation, spanking is not a good idea and has obviously not worked anyway. HOWEVER if and when she rebells, I believe in making her life as miserable as possible in order to get your point across. You must have authority and demand her respect. There WILL be consequences. Think of Shakespear's Taming of the Shrew.

Grounding is effective and I like to make sure it is especially effective by timing it so that they will miss something very important to them. TV is denied while grounded and chores increase.

They have had only cold, canned asparagus for dinner as punishment and NO snacks later in the evening. If they are still hungry, there is more cold, canned asparagus. (For my kids, choking this down is torture.)

They have had to read books about attitudes and spiritual warfare (for me and assigned by me). Then they must write me essays and apologies.

I require church attendance as a family including all Wednesday evening youth programs. Increase all possible GOOD influences.

I see lying as one of the worst offenses which will bring swiftest and worst compound punishment. Plus, they must apologize in person to everyone involved and I must witness this. Sometimes this is difficult to arrange, but it must be done. Once she sees your tenacity, she will realize that you are a force to be taken seriously!!! For days (after being lied to), your only words to her should be: "Why should I believe anything you say?"

Be very careful about her friends. If you see bad influences, you must carefully and discretely steer her away from these friends. Grounding works well for this.

Fun times with mom and dad are never owed but earned by best behavior. Only best behavior is acceptable. There are never any excuses for bad behavior.

She said she did not LIKE the spanking. The next time she says she doesn't LIKE a punishment, your response will be to inform her that her opinion is irrelevant due to her behavior.

Keep it simple. Instead of long lectures - which she will tune out and not hear anyway, simply tell her: If your behavior and attitude are good - life can be good. No excuses. No exceptions. You might even want to put it on the fridge for her to see constantly.

My best wishes and prayers are with you. This has worked excellently for me and I hope it can help you.

[Dee]

Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagehood, Hilly.

First off always remember that you are in charge of the situation not the teen. If you say you will do something make sure you follow through with it. Ex: ( taking away the stereo for 2 weeks. Make sure no amount of pleading and begging will make you change your mind just to appease the princess. STICK TO YOUR GUNS)

Its unfortunate that the schools and government today teach our children to turn their parents into the authorities if the kids think they are being abused by their parents. I believe that a parent has a right to discipline a child and although I don't like any physical violence a few good smacks on the bum doesn't constitute abuse.

If that doesn't work then you call the big guns out. Your stepchild may think that her friend the foster kid has a great life but I use to place children in foster care and have follow up care with the kids. Foster care is not all its cracked up to be and there is more abuse happening by foster parents towards the foster kids than comes from the childs original parents. This is not to say there are some good foster homes but they are few.

Anyway if this teen of yours gets to out of hand you call up social services and tell them you are getting parentally abused from the child and what is your recourse. Abused Parents have rights too. I would make sure that if social services workers come to your home to check out the situation its up to you and her father to be very specific about her actions towards you and him, make statements about the animal neglect by her and just her overall change in attitude.

When I first read your post all I could think of was that maybe she got ahold of some drugs at school and started taking them. Drinking is another area you may want to check on. If you feel you need to go in her room and do a bit of searching for anything suspicious go right ahead. Its your home and you want it to be a safe haven for all who live there.

I am not saying she has these problems, these are options to look into. She just may be under alot of peer pressure at school or she may be a teen who develops depression and doesn't know why she feels the way she does. If she has done a fast 365 degree turn from Angel to Demon Spawn then its time to check things out.

As for the mean and abusive parent comments she is making to all her friends and anyone who will listen to her about you and your husband, confront her. If she feels you both are being abusive tell her that she is free to become an amancipated teenager and support herself outside of your home or if she is not old enough for the amancipation tell her that she is free to live in foster care. ( Let her go but when she gets a whiff of the rules she has to follow in foster care she will be calling you night and day begging to come home) It could backfire on you that she would get along fine but hey thats ok. Your not being abused yourself anymore. Guilt is the first thing that these kids try to get you with. You have the right to a normal home life and make it known that she is upsetting the balance of the home by her vindictives ways.

Tell her that you love her but that you don't have to put up with her crap.

Remember to tell whoever investigates the case that you and your hubby are being abused by this child.

 

Also Check for:

Drug use!

Alcohol use

Depression

Peer Pressure problems at school.

How are her grades? Are they heading in a downward spiral to failing grades.

Dyslexia and other similar disorders can also cause this type of behavior.

She may be acting out her anger on you and your husband when she is angry at herself for not being in control of her life/dealing with again peer pressure.

She may be grieving her moms death now, because at the age six a child does not know how to grieve properly. This is another reason to take her anger out on you and others around her.

 

These are some of the things to consider.

Perhaps Tough Love can change things. Maybe not. Its your stepdaughters life. If she screws it up she does it on her own. She can't put the blame on anyone but herself.

Just hang in there and check things out. Take care of yourself

Things will work out one way or another. I will keep you in my prayers.

Reci

[Guest Guest]

First off I want to thank you all for your welcomed advice. We found them to be very helpful. Most of them we have tried and either failed or are currently using them. A couple we have not tried or thought of and will definitely add to our strategy.

It appears that 3 things we did has gotten through to her. It is so peaceful and wonderful around here lately that we are really enjoying it before the next storm comes.

I really put the scare into her when I made her see she was no better than her Father, when she turned him in for child abuse and asked to be removed from our home and placed in her friends Foster care home. (yes, that was a surprise to us. The school filled us in and also said they knew we were not bad parents (we spent the last 5 months of the school year last year working with them to try and get her to straighten up and do her school work and pass the grade.)and never followed up on her complaint.) She started to realize that her actions could not only send her Dad to prison, but could also get her in big trouble for abusing and neglecting the animals, the issue that started all of this in the first place.

We also discovered (with the help of the school) that this Phyllis had been teaching her and grooming her for at least (maybe more) three months. She had stepped into a Mom role for our daughter, became her friend and confidant, bought her things (which we questioned at the time but was told they was an early birthday present), was taking her out to eat with them (We have done the same for her friends, so why would we think anything was wrong?), bought her a nice outfit that was acceptable to the way their household was run but was too sexy and suggestive for the way we are raising our daughter, so we told her she could wear it on the farm only (That didn't sit too good with Phyllis but we didn't let that influence us in the least.). Phyllis also got her a hair cut after having our daughter call home and ask permission. Now the whole picture I described did get my attention. It was at a time when we was struggling financially really badly and I got the impression that they felt sorry for our daughter because we did not have any extra money to spend on her or anything else, our life style had changed dramatically from what it had been and we all felt the crunch, especially our daughter. I never discussed this with my husband, I just figured it was happening because they felt sorry for her due to our financial situation. I did question it in my mind, make a mental note to watch it and see where it went. It died down so I figured why discuss it. Now the haircut..... Yes I was concerned, that is a family thing and non-family members DO NOT GET HAIRCUTS for another family's child, period. You may disagree but I feel it is definitely stepping over the line with that one and I did express that to my husband and tell him I was concerned about their interference in that area. Well it now is apparent that my instincts were right. In fact ALL my instincts were right where Phyllis was concerned. The school told us they know all about Phyllis and how she puts her nose in where it doesn't belong (my wording not their's). The school had to be careful as to what they told us because of liability but they also have worked with me enough to know I don't miss much and I would think about what they did say, examine all the information, read between the pages and draw a picture that would leave very little un-noticed, if any. I did just what they expected me to and got Phyllis figured out.

Phyllis has a history of interfering in family's when it comes to their kids. She tries to use her foster care home and license to intimidate the parents if and when they make the slightest mistake. She teaches their kids to turn against their parents and buddies up to them treating them like she is their best friend and getting them to trust her and confide in her. Their is nothing in your private life left private, because she gets your kids to tell her everything and twists it for her use. She teaches the kids how to turn their parents in and teaches them that they need to ask to be taken away from their parents and be placed in HER foster care home. She even uses her granddaughter to do this and also to gather information about the parents by buddying up to the parents and calling them Mom and Dad. We fell victim to it all.

I must say in the granddaughter's defense though, that she too is a pawn in all of this and does not realize what her grandmother is doing. She does show that she does genuinely care for our daughter as a friend and also for us. This is the ONLY reason we are not prosecuting the grandmother for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. We both want to prosecute her and stop her from putting other families through this nightmare but not at the cost of our daughter's friendship with her granddaughter. The consequences are that they can only spend time together at school or in our home where Phyllis can not have any contact with our daughter. I do know and am on good terms with most of the police officers here and most of them are christians. I will be making them aware of this person and the situation she had put us in.

When our daughter realized she might have sent her Father to prison she had a different point of view. When she realized that I would be given full custody of her and she would be stuck living with me, she also had a different point of view. When she realized no one wanted her but her Dad and me, except for Phyllis and we both would put her in a detention center and make sure Phyllis could not get her hands on her, she dropped the whole thing. When she realized I was dead serious about prosecuting her for harming animals she was down right scared. She knows when Dad says something she can back him down with her games she plays (she has 14 years of history with him, only 1 1/2 years with me), but she knows what I say, I will do if she pushes me.

She did not realize she would be hurting her Father when she followed Phyllis' grooming. For some odd reason Phyllis failed to mention that one to her (don't figure). She gets so angry with me because she knows I have her number, know her games and tricks, won't be played with or take any of her garbage. She also knows I don't act swiftly, I let her think she got away with it while I am thinking how best to deal with it and a day or two down the road I respond with her Dad backing me up all the way. So she would not really care if she hurt me but she does not want to hurt her Dad. She just wants him away from me, she does not want to work, does not want to mind, and wants to be babied and get everything she wants. She knows it will not happen as long as I am around. What she is beginning to realize is, that it will not happen if I am not around and that Dad will go back to the angry, unhappy, grouchy person he was when he met me, only worse. So she finds a friend in Phyllis, who is like a feeding purana, feeding off our family problems, and Phyllis is so mothering to her (the type of mother she fanaticized about, contrary to the kind of mother she got, 'ME'), loving her, buying her stuff, ect. ect. Our daughter fell for it all and decided she wanted Phyllis for her new Mom and when her Dad and I split up over it because he had to choose between her and me (and of coarse he would choose his only daughter), then he would leave me and she could have her Dad back, ALL TO HERSELF.

Family counseling...... We have been trying to get family counseling since April of this year. When you don't have health insurance, or the ability to pay, no one wants to counsel you. Sure there are grant programs out there but you have to find them to take advantage of them. The places we were seeking counseling from had them but was NOT offering them to us or even making us aware of them! I just recently found out about one of the programs AT THE VERY AGENCY we had choose to get our counseling from. I was told about it from a social worker that is a friend of mine when I asked her if she could help us find some help. So we are currently working in that direction now.

We have always (since I came into the picture, lightly at first but increasing as we go along. You can not change 14 years of habits and training by hitting her head strong or you will have strong out and out rebellion.)told her what we want and expect of her and what the consequences were if she messed up. We also have followed through on what we have said. But it is not working with her. She is very stubborn and does not care what the punishment is, she is NOT going to submit to our wishes.

We have tried doing it ourselves occasionally but you see that is where the major problem is....... That is how Dad did things with her after her Mom died. He just did it himself, including cleaning her room. She NEVER HAD TO DO ANYTHING. So how will we be correcting this problem if we do it ourselves? It is not an option! She will do what is expected of her, she will have chores, she will learn how to pick up after herself, I am not her personal maid service (although she seems to think so.). But since she seems to think I am her personal maid service, and since she works for me and is earning some money..... We have told her maids around here get $10 an hour and up. She will pay me $10 an hour for any maid services she wants or inflects on me. This is working, she does not want to give up her spending money. That is not just limited to maid service either, it also includes any of her chores, especially the animals that we have to do properly.

Some have said get rid of the animals. That is not an option either. We are homesteaders, we raise our own food here. When I became disabled I lost a good income and the ability to ever earn that type of money for a long time, if ever. I do supliment our income by raising our food here. I also feel better about myself because I am contributing to the household budget by raising our own food, not to mention the food tastes better and is a lot healthier. I do work and some times I work some very long hours, but not on a regular basis, maybe once every month or two. Besides all of those reasons, why should we have to give up our animals because she decides she does not want to take care of them properly? Why should we have to change our chosen life style because the child does not want to work? Who is the parent and who is the child here? She loves it when she sits down to the table with us and eats food that we raised here on our homestead. She brags and is very proud about the fact that we raise our own food and it tastes better. She is constantly bugging me to bring the animals to school and educate the students about farming. Why should she be allowed to choose the good about farming and refuse to except the bad parts or the work? Why should we GIVE HER THAT MUCH CONTROL (another issue she struggles with, she was the woman in control until I came along)over us and our lives? What would be the lessons we are teaching her here that she can carry with her through life? If you don't like something you don't have to except it? What if you don't like working for a living, or like part of your job but not other parts, so you only do the part you like right and neglect the other part and then something happens because you didn't do all of your job and someone gets killed because of it? What would happen to us if doctors, or fire fighters, or automobile mechanics all did and thought that way? Or better yet, how about airplane pilots, our military, plumbers, home builders, nursing home attendants, I could go on and on. Just stop and think about it. Also look at the ever frustrating lawyers we all love to complain about. They do only the part of their jobs they like and collect a fat paycheck at our expence. (I am not saying all lawyers are like this but most are) Isn't that also the problem we see in a lot of christians and churches? Many read the Bible and tell God what parts they will except and refuse to take God and the whole Bible and apply it to their lives.

Trying to reason with her is very slowly working. She wants to know why this and why that. When she finally understands and excepts the whys, she starts to improve slowly.

Taking the phone away from her has no effect on her, she is not the typical teenager in this area. She seldom uses the phone and ALWAYS asks for permission first even though we have told her she only needs to ask permission for a long distant phone call or for someone we don't yet know. Same thing with the tv. We are homesteaders and we spend very little time in front of the tv. also we are too busy for tv. for the most part. We would rather play family games together and taking that away from her is NOT an option, limit it maybe, but she NEEDS family activities. As for extra curricular activities, they are a must and we have to encourage (not force) them. She is a lazy child with NO interests except playing with her toy horsies. We are trying to help her grow up and also get a life, not take what little she does have away from her.

As for the letting the chore go if they are non-life threatening until she does them. Been there done that, it does not work with her. She will hate the consequences and get more rebellious and angry as the punishment goes along but WILL NOT do the chore unless made to do it and do it NOW and when she does do it, she will deliberately do it wrong unless you are standing over her every step of the way and who has the time and energy to do that every day? She loves to procrastinate, ignore (including us, but that is not tolerated)and just plain NOT DO ANYTHING. And she knows (has 14 years experience at it) how to wear you down and get out of work. Not an option, we are trying to get her to do her chores and in a timely manner. Same with radio and stereo, we seldom listen to them except in my car. Dad does not listen to music much, does not like it, except in small doses, very small doses. She was never exposed to that stuff except for teen music before I met them. She needs to have a well rounded culture. She is developing that now and what little she gets we will not take from her. We have in the past but it has no effect on her as far as behavioral modification, but the exposure to the 'normal' things of life does tame her down a bit.

Yes things would have been better if she had been taught these things when she was a child, but I did not give birth to her and was not in their lives at that time. Her mother never taught her anything, never disciplined her, gave her everything and down right spoiled her rotten. Her older sister is a very spoiled adult and can not take care of herself or her children as a result of how her mother raised her. We are trying to stop that from happening with our daughter. When her mother died, her Father had to take on a second job to replace the loss of the mother's income and also pay the over $100,000.00 he owed in medical bills. She was left with baby sitters. Her Father's family helped out a little, but VERY little and told him she was not their kid, not their responsibility. When Dad was home he spent his free waking hours playing with his kid. He was too tired to fight with her or take time to teach her chores, it was faster and easier to just do it all himself. He was grieving the loss of his best friend and companion, his health was not what it should have been, he was wore out, tired and depressed. He was forced into bankruptcy. Then he had to take on a job that required him to work long hours and work very hard. He came home beat and still had to feed, care for a kid by himself and clean the house (and he is an immaculate housekeeper).

Yes he made mistakes, but who can say under the circumstances, that they could have done it better? Now he has me to help him and we are trying to correct the mistakes.

Yes she is depressed, who amongst us would not be in her circumstances? It is hard enough being a teenager and all that goes with that, but she also has to change, has to grow up, has to start maturing to her age level, has to work for the first time in her life, has chores, responsibilities, has a family for the first time, has a new Mom that is nothing like her real Mom or like the Mom she created in her mind all these years. She is grieving the loss of her real Mom, grieving the loss of her Dad (she has to share him for the first time ever.), grieving the loss of her fantasy Mom, saying goodbye to her babyish activities and learning to take on new teenage ones and become responsible. She was moved from a school where she could lazily float her way through and sit in learning center and not be academically challenged or be held accountable for doing her work, to a school that is one of the best in the state academically, she is not only held responsible for her school work she gets punished if she does not do it. She is no longer fooling around in learning center but made to use her brains and do work at her level of ability. She attends learning center for the one area she is weak in only. So she is being made to change in every facet of her life.

She uses her picture of her Mom to try and cling to the past and not let go. She also tries (I just pretend I don't notice) to use her picture of her Mom to try and send a message to me that I am not her Mom and she does not have to do what I say or respect me. She also uses the picture to cling to her Mom and grieve over her loss, past (when she died) and present (when I took her position).

She has a really tough life, but it will be a lot tougher if we can not get as much done as we can now and she has to learn it all as an adult.

We have found that the more she acts up, the more we punish her and the more angry and rebellious she becomes and the worse things get around here. When this happens we soon see there is such a struggle going on that soon everything is negative and there is no positive, no room for positive or time for positive. With out positive you can not move forward and will move backwards very swiftly.

She has no friends except this one I have talked about and 2 who never have time for her. We have had a pizza party for her and told her she can only invite her kids from her new school and only her age (she tries to make friends with 5 & 6 year olds.). It has not worked. She is fighting all the changes and every good encouraging thing we do. We have told her repeatedly that we will accomplish our goal, the easy way or the hard way, you choose but it will be done. She chooses the hard way every time.

Now we are talking to her about her choices and how she can make something of her life and be somebody or she can be like her sister and go no where, be dependant on others, and so spoiled she can never be happy. We are careful to not throw her sister in her face, but allow her to look at her future and decide for herself what she wants it to look like and be like. It is working! She is a whole different girl, she is showing responsibility, doing her chores without any problems what so ever, talking to us respectfully and even listening to us when we correct her. Last night her Dad told her something and she disagreed with him but instead of saying why she disagreed, she argued with him, refusing to do what he wanted her to do. I very calmly said to her, I have 2 things I want to say to you. 1. You are arguing with you Father and we are trying to teach you not to do that, it is wrong behavior and is disrespectful. She started to get her rebellious look on her face and I said, here is the second thing I want to say to you. It is alright for you to disagree with your Father, but you are just arguing with him instead of telling him you disagree and why you disagree with him. You may have information he does not have and you need to share it with him so he knows why you don't want to do what he is telling you to do.

She checked her attitude and turned to him and very respectfully told him she disagreed with him and why. He told her ok, I did not know that and you can do it your way.

So we are all learning together and growing here. We are learning that punishment is not the answer for this child, it is getting her to understand and except that what she is doing is wrong and that there is a better way. We will not be tossing out the punishment but will only use it when left no better way. As for punishment we have already told her that she will not be spanked again, with a belt or a hand. As long as she wishes to act like a child we will punish her like we would a child. She will sit at the kitchen table with nothing, no books, no tv, no music, nothing and she will sit there for a couple hours with nothing to do and no one talking to her for a couple of hours. We told her there is no law against making her sit, she can not turn us in for child abuse and no one is going to come to her rescue if that is her punishment. That got her attention real quick.

We strongly believe there is way too much negative here and she needs positive reinforcements. We will punish bad behavior when needed and necessary, but will strongly reward positive behavior wit lots of praise and attention always telling her how proud we are.

The hardest part for us is that my adopted Dad (He was my counselor and helped me deal with my bad childhood, we adopted each other and he has been my Dad ever since.) was always my guide when I needed advice or was unsure if I was handling her right. But now that Dad is gone, we have no where to go and check to see if we are headed in the right direction.

Anyway thank you all so very much for your words of advice, they were greatly appreciated.

Hill

A problem is just a challenge waiting to be conquered.

Impossibilities are just possibilities waiting to be made possible.

You can't stop the curve balls of life but you can choose how you will handle them.

[Guest Guest]

Sounds too real for me!..try 2!..Arggg!

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[Guest Guest]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hillbillee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are already doing a great job!!

Thank God you are one of the lucky parents who have a *good* school system!

Your experiences will help others here who wonder what their cute little 4 year olds will be like, and help them to see that parenthood is a continual learning experience.

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[Guest Guest]

Hang in there!!!!!!!!

 

[Guest Guest]

Everyone else was offering good advice so I didn't speak previously, but I am praying for your family, Hillbillee...I hope you don't mind that. :-) Teenagers can be difficult,even in the most stable and loving of families. I used to think that if you did all the right things, you'd get all the right results but I have seen many, many good parents struggle with their children. In the end, though...like by the time the kids are, say, 40, lol, I do think good parenting usually results in good kids. I am sure it is not easy to be a step parent but as she is a part of your dh, she is a part of you, too. So, as someone else said, hang in there! This, too, shall pass!

You mentioned you are disabled..do you mind my asking in what way? I am alway curious about such things since I have lupus and am legally disabled, having had some big problems in the past with it, but I am doing well at the moment.

[Guest Guest]

No advise here, I'm taking notes! DD is 10, and I have 3 DS after her so I need to be prepared! {{{{{Hillbillie}}}} Know you are in my thoughts and I am praying for your family.

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[Dee]

Hillie it sounds as if you are a very level headed person and It sounds as if things will work out for you and your family.

Does the school have any activities that your daughter might be interested in? How about 4H and Girl Scouts? Also in cities and towns alot of organizations such such as cultural centers for ballet, arts and music are always looking for volunteers to help at concerts which is a good thing because you can get into the concerts for free just by volunteering.

Also some of these places take children who can't afford the prices of lessons but have an interest in the art such as ballet and teach them for free. They even provide the outfits free of charge. Its kept very private.

Working on sets for plays and local events such as the Opera would give the chance for your daughter to meet alot of kids who also volunteer.

She can Candy Stripe at a local hospital, Volunteer at the local planetarium, Take band or orchestra in school - the school provides the instrument the kids learn on. There is also Art Clubs and School Newspaper Clubs and other clubs that schools have.

What are her interests? Ask her? There is so much she can learn and experience for free that may even help her growing up process.

Does she have her own horse? Does she ride Horses? Is she interested in going to Camp?

How about Space Camp for kids. Thats always an option and she can meet kids from all over the country and have a great time. There are many many scholarships out there that will pay her way if she really wants to try her dreams. Its finding out what her dream is first thats important.

Let me know how you make out. I know many many people all over the country and may be able to help you in some capacity.

Maybe if she is doing something she likes it just might pull her out of her funk. Always encourage her to dream too. No dream is to big or to small for it not to come true.

Its when we stop dreaming that we find ourselves in trouble.