Healing a broken heart!!!!!

[Judy Moist]

I have a problem with my oldest sister, you have to take in mind that she is very opininated, but will not listen to anyone elses opinion. She thinks she is it on a stick, She is very overweight, and a heavy smoker. But she thinks she hung the moon.

We have this family forum, where it is supposed to be all family, but she has just went and let anyone come into the site. Well everyone on the site is upset, because this one idiot with a major problem has gotten in and all this person talks about is molesting young girls, that is all that is on this person's mind.

Well myu sister can't keep her mouth shut, she keeps antagonizing this idiot instead of shutting her mouth and letting the idiot go on. Me and a couple of other members are trying to get bellsouth to do something about this person, because what they are doing is a criminal act.

 

Well Dear sis did not like the idea that I voiced my opinion. She thinks that I am crazy, because I have had such a hard time dealing with mom's death. She thinks that anything that I say, I say because I am crazy...

 

Yeah, I probably have went through the grieving process longer than the rest of the family, and yeah it was a little harder on me. But because, the day the hospital called me to tell me to get there because my mother was dying, is also the day that I was supposed to celebrating, because it was the day, my mother brought me into this world. On my birthday, Instead of celebrating I was wiping my mothers brow, and holding her hand as she took her last breath, while everyone else just stood against the wall.

So Yeah I guess I did take it harder, but does that make me crazy At least I am going through the grieving process.

My sister and I will have these arguments, and not speak with each other for several months, with the result of me always being the one getting hurt. I can't do it anymore>>.

I wrote her today, and told her that, I did not want to hear from her or about her anymore, I wanted nothing nor needed nothing from her. I just wanted her to stay away and leave me alone. If she can't be a part of my life without always hurting me, then I don't need her in my life...

What set her off was that I always kid her about the way she types, when every other word is mispelled it is because she is smoking yet another cigarette. So I always kid her and tell to put the cigarette down. Well she told me I needed to mind my own business. I told her I was minding my own business. I lost my father to lung cancer 7 years ago, and I don't want to go through that with another family member, especially not my sisters.

She also got mad because I voiced my opinion about this child molestation case. Being a mother of course, I want an idiot such as this off the streets. But my sister is so shallow, she thinks just because they live out in the woods something like this could never happen to her family (she has no kids of her own, she takes care of her step grandkids). I told it just me a motherly instinct to want to protect any child from a possible dangerous situation.

 

I just don't understand someone such as she. How can you be so shallow, how can you not care rather or not you hurt someone elses feelings. Does it not bother her one bit, that she has lost her mother and her father one to lung cancer and one to obseity?

I have sat here and cried for the past hour, I am going to do it now and get it over, I refuse to let my dh and kids see me upset again by her.

She told me the reason everyone around me smokes is because it calms their nerves when they have to listen to my mouth. I have not been in a family gathering with my family

since after mom's funeral May 17,2003. I don't call any of them, except my youngest sister. But when they need or want something they all come running to me.... I told not to bother anymore. I am no longer here for her convenience.

This may make me sound cold and cruel, but I'm not, I'm just tired of hurting and crying, and repairing the damage,just to get knocked down again by her.

 

SORRY FOR THE RANT, BUT IT HELPS COMING HERE WHERE I KNOW SOMEONE CARES...

 

 

[jillg]

Oh, Unikemom,

[frugalmel]

unikemom, I care

[Judy Moist]

Thanks you guys, I just feel so bad, because of some of the things I said to her. First she said to me, that just because I can reproduce, I think I am all high and mighty. Her response was "heck even cock roaches can reproduce".. I was so mad by then that I said to her" may be I can reproduce and maybe so can cock roaches, But guess what you can't." I shouldn't have said it, but I wanted to hurt her back just once, instead of just turning away, and letting her think that she is getting away with it. This has gone on all our lives.

I also told her that she was a cold and uncaring SOB. Now that I have said what I said, now Ihave to deal with the guilt, I don't think there is any sanity to be had where my family is concerned. I just want to pack my bags and take my family as far away from these people as I can get.....

Oh well, one of these days something is going to happen to wake her up. and I doubt that it will be a pleasant event....

[Guest Guest]

It must be in the air this week. I have had some bad times too. You are doing just fine, Unike. My grandmother died on my birthday and I have always felt it to be a special bond. You and your mother may have a bond that that she and your sister don't. You can't change others only yourself. Keep in mind that God created you just as you are. Oh I know how difficult this is at times. Why God Why? Why am I as I am? Use your gifts for good and help others in your life and don't let others get you down. There is a reason and you (and I) need to stop fretting so much about things. Your sister is wrong and her friend is hurtful but you can only pull yourself away if it is too offensive. Others will do the same.

Good luck with it all and God bless you.

 

 

[Judy Moist]

Since I made this post this afternoon, dear sis has emailed me twice, wanting to tell me that everyone in the forum thinks I am a lunatic. I am crazy, because I wish my sister would stop smoking, before it hurts her? I am crazy, because there is a potential child molester amongst their group, and there is something we can do as a group to stop this person? How does that make one crazy...She has gone and told them that I have lost my mind..... WEll she sent three other emails after that, I spammed every last dang one of them!!!!!I am not fooling with her anymore. I have had a throbbing headache all afternoon because of this, she is the reason, why I now have to take blood pressure medication, she keeps me so upset all the time, that it has made my bp go outrageous. When I do not get around her, or have anything to do with her,my bp levels out. So she is on her own, I just hope that when all her so called friends realize exactly what kind of person she is, she doesn't get too lonely......Because when you have no close friends or family to turn too it can get lonely, Thank god for my dh and kids they are what keeps me sane, or half way sane. And all the good people here who I can call friends....

[Guest Guest]

Sometimes when you're in the middle of conflict, it's hard to see the forest from the trees...with that said...

 

"She, she, she, she, she...." That's what I keep hearing you say...she...

 

Who's in control of this situation? Obviously not her because she doesn't have the maturity with which to act like an adult. You do, therefore, you control this situation. All she's trying to do is push your buttons because of her own pain. Deep down inside of her she is absolutely miserable and hopeless, so this *family site* that y'all had was one thing she feels she can truly control. She isn't interested in wisdom or reasoning, all she's interested in is what I call *the pack mentality*...leading a *pack* of people who are no more healthier than she is. I've seen it over and over and over again, and it's truly a very sad, sick thing.

 

You on the the other hand are a very strong and caring person. Your shoulders can carry alot, and one of the things that makes you special is your sensitivity. If you are still processing through the mourning for your mother, then by all means, continue. Everyone's path in these types of processes is different and you have to give yourself the freedom to just be who you are, and resolve and come to terms with it when YOU are ready. You don't answer to anyone else for your grieving of your mother, as long as it is not inhibiting your ability to be there for your own family. Mothers are incredibly special and I don't care how old we get, we still need them in our lives...at least I do. And I think of that day when my mom will go to be with Him, and I can barely even think about it cause it scares me to be alone here on earth without her.

 

Last but not least, no, you don't hafta go down to her level...that's where she's trying to drag you so that she can, in her own mind, validate this crooked perception she wants and needs to believe of you, when in actuality, she's probably very jealous of you, which is why she strikes to hurt and toys with your feelings. She is in control and responsible for her own life, not you, and I would offer that you learn how to seperate the two lives, which is what you seem to be starting to do. Family is family...she is your blood sister and MHO is that you should love her, but if you can't *live together*, then it's best to seperate. Hopefully, some where down the road, she'll come to her senses and approach you on a more mature level, but untill then, you are worth more than to hurt everytime the whim strikes her to lash out.

 

So much is lost in just typed words so I will express that the above is JMHO, but that it's said, at times, rather bluntly, cause I care and value you and feel sad that you're hurting. I hope none of it offends you.

 

(((((((((unikemom)))))))))

 

[Judy Moist]

Darlene: NO, I don't take offense to anything that you said, it actually helps me to see somethings.

 

I have many, many times told my sister even after she has said something very hurtful, that I love her. But she can never repeat those words to me.....

Everytime, that I feel some closure in my heart and soul and come to terms of losing my mother, she dredges it up, about how I have lost my mind since mom died. I still just tell her that I loved my mother and can't help it, and that I also love all my sisters and brothers. I realize now that she and I will never have a close relationship, we have tried for years to be close, but it never works out.

 

But I have promised myself that my family has seen me cry for the last time over her. This has been going on for way too long, she doesn't seem to understand that not only does it affect me, but also my kids, when they see mom so upset.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am going to start it new, and not give her another thought.

 

Thanks everybody for the words of wisdom and caring....It is great to have people to turn too like all of you..

[Guest Guest]

Ahhhh, yes, I remember it well......

 

I used to be the type of person that allowed everyone, and I literally mean everyone walk all over me and treat me like I was lower than the dirt itself. I never could find the words to say to put them in their place or back them off. If I saw trouble coming, I'd take it and let everyone walk all over me.

 

It has been a long growing process but now I am just the opposite. I will take a lot, do a lot of warning, and when all else fails, I will very quickly put a person in their place in a nice and adult like manner and walk away while they are still wondering what got me going.

 

It is not easy and VERY hard to do with one's own family.

 

Just the other day I said something to my Father that I don't think he will EVER get a clue as to what I was telling him. DH and I interviewed for a job last week. It was very obvious to me that they really were not interested in him in no way, shape or form. BUT me on the other hand, they are very interested in. They recognize my skills, talents, abilities and experience and see the potential of me working for them and also climbing the ladder with them.

 

Why did I make sure to point out to my Father that they wanted me for my skills and knowledge and did not want my husband? Because as a child, every day of my life my Father made sure to tell me I was so dumb and stupid that I would never amount to anything. This was drilled into my head and I was a D and E, mostly E student in school. I graduated because my Mom in her motherly wisdom said something to make me mad and I graduated just to spite her and prove her wrong.

 

All my life I felt like a failure, I found out when I was 30 that I have an above average intelligence. I have struggled through life and failed most of the time. Every time I can here my Father saying, you are so dumb and stupid, you will never amount to anything.

 

I became disabled 6 years ago and the Dr's told me I'd never work again. I told them, sit back and watch me, I'm too young to die yet and not working would kill me.

 

Ever since my disability my Father has said things to me like why don't you just get disability and quit working. OR Why don't you get a real job and quit taking these jobs that won't get you anywhere, and make you struggle to survive.

 

Here I am 6 years later, a company wants me because they see that I am highly skilled in their field and need a person with my skills.

 

So I could not resist telling him that a company out there wants ME, for my KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS and ABILITY. Not bad for a person that is so dumb and stupid that they will never amount to anything.

 

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I was where you are right now and I fought to rise above it and if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO. They want to treat you like that.... You can't change them, you don't want to really divorce them, they are family and you love them. But you can change you and how you look at them. You can recognize that they have a problem, it is not your problem anymore, you refuse to be a party to that, but you love them and that is how they are. You learned to rise above it all and it is a pity that they don't want to and would rather cast blame and guilt on you for their short comings. But that is their choice, not your choice anymore.

 

I hope this all makes sense to you and helps.

 

[Judy Moist]

I just wanted to say thanks to everybody, who mommied me yesterday, when I was feeling so down and bad about my famiy situation.

 

I did the crying, and making my self physically ill over it yesterday, and thought about it last night.So now it is time to go on.

 

I did write to her last night to tell her that I apologized to her for some of the things that I said to her, because I should have never said them. And told her again that I do love her, because she is my sister, but I said it loud and clear, that if she cannot be a part of my life and be a sister and a friend, instead of always being on the attack. Then I didn't want anything else to do with her. I told her that when she decides she wants to be apart of my family, let me know...Until then I am through.

 

But enough about all this. I just wanted to say THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY, AND YES, THE THINGS PEOPLE SAID DID HELP!!!!!!

YOU ALL DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU......