What Do I Do?

[Lilly]

My DD had a baby when she was 19. They have lived with us ever since the baby has been born. We watch the baby while she works. She calls me Mommy half the time. I correct her, but that is how close we are. I am with her on most days more than her Mom. I fix her meals, play with her, read to her, give her her bath and put her in her jammies. My DD came in last night and said that a guy she had dated a while back had asked her if he joined the Airforce would she go with him. She told him yes. Yes!!!!!!

They only dated two months and it did not work out the first time because of the baby. She got on his nerves. I cried till 2 in the morning. My chest hurt. I don't know how I can let the baby go without my heart breaking into a million pieces. I am crying now. I know it is not fair to hold my Daughter back. She says she might not go. I am just so tore up right now. I did not expect her to live with us forever. But at least nearby. I am worried if I will be able to handle this. I love that baby so much and I want the absolute best for her. We have gave and gave to make sure that has happened to this point. There is really nothing I can do, if she wants to make a quick, ill thought out decision, I can't stop her. I just feel so hurt, and sad. There are not words to desribe how much this hurts.

[preparing]

I sure hope she changes her mind. Why any woman would join the military with a child is beyond me or even without a child. That is one of my fears is that bad things will happen years from now when my children are not with me where I can take care of them. Families should stay close.

[goatherder]

Perhaps someone needs to point out to the young woman that when one has a child, she must be a mother first and put her "woman needs" second.

 

Is she planning to marry or live with this guy, or is she planning to join the AF as well? To the best of my knowledge the military is not big on enlisting single parents unless they have arrangements with someone (usually an ex or other relatives) for the care of the child while the parent is in bootcamp and if deployed someplace that must be unaccompanied.

[MizNCO]

Lilly - if your DD is planning on joining the Air Force you better tell her to check the single parent regulations. I had a friend that was a single mom and was told that she would have to give up custody to someone. I don't remember which branch told her that but I am pretty sure she tried all of them and got a very similar response.

 

If she is just planning on going where ever he goes there would be a lot to think about. Not everyone is cut out for the life of a military dependent. I speak from experience. I have been an Army wife for almost 9 years. When I told my parents we were getting married my mom was scared we would be sent somewhere far from home. We got lucky and stayed 3 hours from home until last year when we were sent here to Fort Jackson. In my first 3 years of marriage I only got to spend about half of that with my husband. I am not familiar with the Air Force. I have been told they deploy more often but shorter terms than the Army. If you DD is use to having you around it will be rough to be somewhere by herself with her child and no one to help. Since my hubby was in the Army before we met it has been the only life I have had with him. I have many wives that knew their husbands before he joined. They all had problems. They were use to him being there all the time or they were use to coming 1st in his life. Once they join you are no longer 1st. I know my husband has responsibilities to the Army and they come before me. It is a way of life I have excepted. I can't complain because this is the life I chose. My motto is "I made my bed and I lay in it every night and a lot of times by myself." My hubby is 2 years from retirement and that scares me. The Army has been such a big part of our life. I won't know what to do when he comes home every night. I am not trying to be harsh so please forgive me if it comes across that way. I just want to give you some things that your DD might not be thinking about. If the baby got on his nerves before what will happen if the baby still gets on his nerves.

 

Lilly - my heart goes out to you. I saw what my mom went through when I moved away from home. I was the only girl and the baby. Then we got orders to come here while I was pregnant. We actually didn't move until the baby was 5 months old. That broke my parents' hearts. I might not understand what you are going through but I do know the other side.

[Snowmom]

Lilly, my heart goes out to you, and I do understand where you are coming from.

 

I do agree with the others, your DD needs to check things out before she agrees to go with this man. Also, if the baby got on the guys nerves before, I'm sure she will again, as some men are NOT cut out to be dads.

 

I/we had our one grandson about as much as the parents did for the first year. We have always be so very close and he at times still calls me 'Mom'. There was and always will be a special bond between this boy and myself. This is the older of the 2 grandsons in Fargo. I'm sure you will have that special bond with your grand-daughter too.

 

It is always hard to have your children leave home, even though you know it is best for them. But, if you are not sure it is best, then it is even rougher.

 

I remember when they decided to move 2 hours away from us, then they decided to move to TX. It was hard, and it really took a lot of strength and I know I was very stressed out. It was while they were in TX., that our DS left his wife and we met him and the 2 boys in MO., to help him get back up here. This was only one of the times he left her. They are now divorced and have been for close to 2 years now. DS is married again now a year ago in May and is the one expecting a baby in Aug.

 

 

I will also pray that she understands what will take place with and in her life if she moves with him.

 

Again, I do understand what you are going through, as I have been there in some ways.

[quiltys41]

Lilly, I don't know much about the subject of military families and such, I just wanted to send you a and offer a prayer for your breaking heart....

 

Q

[goatherder]

One more thing...If she is just planning to tag along and not go into the AF or marry the guy, there will be no extra money for housing. In fact, he would be given bachelor's quarters on base.

 

The other ladies are right on about "if the baby got on his nerves before, she will again". This sounds like an abusive situation in the making. Military life is hard and stressful enough without all the complications this situation entails.

 

Do you have a pastor she could talk to? She should also talk to a recruiter and maybe a military chaplain about her plans to make sure the guy is not just painting a rosy picture for her.

[Lilly]

Well after causing me some major stress he has decided he is not going back into the AF. She never was going in. At this poist I am not even sure they are going to date anymore. Where have all the good men gone. I feel sorry for my Daughter. Dating nowdays is hard. I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It is wonderful to have a place to come to for strength and wisdom. You ladies are precious to me.

[goatherder]

I'm so glad your daughter may have seen the light regarding this young man. I hope she finds a good man who will accept her child as his own and they can build a life together. Finding the right guy means avoiding the "wrong" guys! The hard part is knowing where to look.

 

It's not just gals who have a hard time finding a mate with values. My sons who are good men wonder where all the good women have gone! So many gals they have dated turned out to be good time girls instead of good women who want to marry, build a home and a life, have children who they stay home to raise, and grow old with their spouse. My sons are looking for gals who want life-long relationships, not a roll in the hay and lots of partying. Too many gals now days are out for "if it feels good do it". They keep telling me they want to meet women who want to become friends first, fall in love, marry, have kids, and work as a team to raise their family and build a life. Sadly, nowdays too many young people meet, have sex, get pregnant, break up, and move on to repeat with someone else. Who suffers most? The babies they produce!