Guest Guest Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Yesterday afternoon we went to my DH's Aunt's place to celebrate my MIL's 60th birthday. While there, my MIL took my two year old DD to the stove (while there was lasagna in he oven) and put her finger on the stove where it was hot to teach her "hot". She pressed my DD's finger on it, and later on told me that I should keep an eye on it to make sure it wasn't burned. I am not happy. We are training our DD to obey us the first time we ask her to do something, to prevent such things as burns and getting hit by a car. I don't believe that teaching consequences is the way to go, and even if I did, I'm not sure it's my MIL's place to do it. I know that that's one thing she did with her kids, but I don't agree for mine. I know a lot of you are grandmothers and wanted to know your opinions...thanks! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 I can't imagine putting a childs finger to something hot on purpose. We would tell our children hot and hope they never touched something that was but if they did we'd pick them up, cuddle them and point to what they'd touched and say hot again to reinforce the idea. What a strange thing to hurt them on purpose. Quote Link to comment
Lois Posted February 9, 2003 Share Posted February 9, 2003 Well, I think it depends on the circumstance I suppose. I dont think it was wise of your DMIL to place the baby's hand on something hot to begin with, that is your child after all. I do know that our Brianna was a "biter" and nothing we did to discourage it seemed to deter her at all till she bit my breast and brought blood. Unfortunately, Grandma saw red and I bit her back! She NEVER bit me again, but continued to bite others until they started biting her back. Her poor mother called me one day '"to come get this little monster before I kill her!" Seems mommy had to punish Brianna for cranking the stereo up over and over again and told her that if she did it again she woud get a spankin... Brianna waited till mommy turned around and walked away and bit her mommy on the hiney! ( I laughed all the way to Rachels house) I went and got the little booger and took her home with me for a few days. ROFL , she was only 2 years old at the time. Quote Link to comment
mrszouave Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I'm not a granny- but an auntie. I can't imagine holding a 2 yr olds finger on a hot oven door to teach her it's hot....i remember when my nephews came over and the oven was on i put a chair in front of the oven just so they wouldn't touch it...saying HOT.....don't touch.... I dunno.....She obviously has a different way of teaching than you do.....Did you or your husband tell her how you feel? Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Just my 2 cents... I would think if your little girl was playing around the stove and had been warned but ignored it, a lesson *might* be in order. But you don't have to "press" the child's finger to it... they can feel the heat before being burned. The lesson often needs to be taught at the moment of disobedience, like Twila's 'biting Brianna'. But all I can see your MIL proving to your 2 yo old is that Grandma *hurts* her. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I was just thinking...if Grandma hurts a 2 year old like this, how will she hurt a 5 year old? 9 year old? 13 year old?, etc. Does it change to emotional, verbal hurt rather than physical? I would think through DH's conversations and see if he's ever said anything about her saying anything to him that hurt him. It might give you insight as to how to handle this. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I agree with you on the biting Twi. When my children bit they got bit in return. It was a good lesson and they didn't do it again. I would never bite them though until they bit me, kind of like the stove. I can't imagine putting a childs finger on something hot to teach them it's hot. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I'm still angry and confused...I can't understand anyone purposely hurting someone either, especially a little one. I do understand discipline and lessons...but I'm not sure that that was what it was about. I think she just thought that she was going to teach her not to touch by the consequence. It pains me to think of my dear little one in pain...just to "teach" her something. The problem is, my DD has a very high tolerence for pain...she got bit once by another little one, and I was watching it happen. I thought that the other little girl just had put her mouth on my DD because my DD never cried (that's why I didn't do anything about it!). When I looked at her arm, there were teeth marks that seemed like they were about to bleed . She never did cry...when she was younger and would fall (while learning to walk) we'd teach her to just get up and keep going, unless she really hurt herself, then we'd ofcourse hold her, and make sure she was ok. No, we've never talked to her about it. It's very difficult to talk to her, since she feels like she is ALWAYS right. Also, my DH has a mental illness (under control with medications) but he feels like he can't say anything to them with out them saying (or thinking) that it's just because of his illness...or if I was the one speaking to her, they think I'm always overprotective (do you see why???), so I'm just over reacting. We hardly ever ask them to babysit because of this and other reasons, like what kind of food they give her, what they allow her to get away with, what they watch on TV (scary movies). I think it's really sad. I've wondered if moving away would help, since we would only see them once in a while. But that's sad too...ARGH! I just don't want to worry about what happens to my DD when she is with them! Sometimes I feel like I'm such a wimp. I don't stand up much to people...specially people like my MIL who actually have shouting matches with people at work. Just writting this makes me want to cry... I better stop before I do...thanks everybody! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Sweetie... don't you *ever* feel bad about protecting your child! I probably wouldn't say anything, either. (You can call me a wimp if you like! ) But I certainly wouldn't allow them to babysit, no matter what was said to me or behind my back. If she would do this while you were there, what might be done when you're not?? When your DD is old enough to tell you what's going on, maybe you could trust them for short times, but don't feel like you have to use them as babysitters. If you don't have money to pay someone, consider trading "out" times with a trusted friend... you babysit while they go out, and vice-versa. You are your precious child's *first* line of defense... and you never have to apologize or explain that. I've called Moms to ask if there were guns in the house before I let my child go there to play. I've asked what videos would be shown at a birthday party. My kids know that I will embarrass myself or them by asking questions, but mostly, they know I love them deeply and completely. Follow your motherly instincts, happygirl... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{happygirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Quote Link to comment
HapyGirl Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 {{{{{Hugs}}}}} Well as a mom I have done that, but never anything hot enough to actually hurt them. In my view if it actually was hot enough to cause a burn then it is abusive! I would stand up to her and tell her you are sorry if she doesn't understand, but in no way us she to discipline your DD. If she feels she is in need of instruction about a safety issue she should tell you and leave it up to you to do the discipline or teach the lesson. My mom or my MIL would NEVER do anything physical like that. They know it's my job to be the mom. I wouldn't let her near your DD unattended from now on. I am so sorry Happygirl! Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 I agree that we are her first "line of defense". Like my DH says, if something happens to her, she is OURS, and we are responsible for her. It hurts my heart to think about all this. We have not allowed them to babysit her for a long time, and now this. I guess it will be a while longer....*sigh*... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Happygirl, if she asked you to keep an eye on the finger to make sure it wasn't burned , that tells me that she also thought that the stove might have been too hot.... Children's skin is much more tender than an adult's skin..Honestly, it could become a legat issure if someone reported it.. You might tell your mother-in-law to be more careful with her (lessons)... Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Happygirl, when my children were young, we had a very close knit group of families that was our Baby Sitting Co-op. We also started our Food Co-op from this. We had intensive screening of the families. If there seemed to be a problem, it was brought to the board and taken care of immediately. The Babysitting Co-op was a life saver for me. Also, the kids had other kids that they knew that they could play with safely. I tell you this because you asked who could you trust if you couldn't trust your family. Well, I trusted these other families more than my DH's family. Sometimes (Many times for me.) People who are not blood relatives are actually closer to us than blood. Call your hospital, preschools, etc. for any connections or names they might have for a co-op. You could always start one too. Have you checked with the churches in the area? Good luck in being led to your answer. Quote Link to comment
Lois Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Happygirl, this is your child we are talking about here. If you feel that MIL has harmed her in anyway, then please dont let your DD be alone with her. Her safety is your first responsibility and if MIL and SIL dont like it, that's just tough tooties for them! People have a way of saying ,"well ya know my son or daughter said this to me but it was their illness or their medication talking:. Bull........ they just dont want to admit that they are wrong or have interfered! And if she decided to "teach my child another lesson like that" I'd file charges against her for abuse and endangerment. Cat, I never let it bother me if I embarrassed myself or my children by asking pertinent questions to ensure my childrens safety. I was a gun owner in Arizona, a multi- gun owner... and I was never offended if someone asked me if I owned a weapon and I was happy to invite that parent into my home and take them to my walk in closet to show them the large metal gun safe with not only the regular locks on it, but also 2 large hasps and padlocks as well. I also had multi window locks to my bedroom windows and a hasp and padlock on my bedroom door when I wasnt home. One gun accident can change your life forever, I know, I lived it with my own family and I will have nightmares and grieve forever. Quote Link to comment
logcabinmama Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Ok, I think I have this the way I want it. HappyGirl, as you know, I have 3 adult children and 7 grandchildren. NEVER, EVER would I put a hand or finger of a grandchild to the hot oven. I have allowed them to get within a few, 5 - 8, inches of the hot oven door, when it was closed, though. I WILL not let them close to it when it is open. NO WAY. There are many ways to teach 'lessons' without letting a child get hurt doing it. They get hurt enough the way it is. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 10, 2003 Share Posted February 10, 2003 Thank you so much everybody! I see that I struck a cord with all of you...it's good to know I'm in the right place! I like the ideas of finding families- like a co-op. For Valentine's Day, a couple at our church has offered to babysit kids so that parents can go out (free of charge, I believe), so this might be the start of something great! I really appreciate all your support...and I will keep you posted to what happens. My DH and I are still praying for wisdom...yes, it is true that sometimes you are closer to people that are not relatives...so true in this case. DH has a group of guys that he gets together with every week and they are pretty close. I have a couple of friends and we are pretty close...I had high hopes of getting along super with my inlaws (I do with my FIL-although he supports his wife above all else!) so feel like I have been let down from those hopes. My MIL and I would probably get along much better if it weren't for my SIL...I think my MIL feels guilty spending time with me without her...but I'd rather not be with my SIL, I've learned my lesson there! Well, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your awsome support. For now we will only allow our DD to be with them while we are there...until we can feel like we trust them more.*sigh* Quote Link to comment
Goose Liver Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 Hi Happy girl.... holy smokes you sure sparked a conversation here... I was only gone since yesterday morning and came back to this...... I think, here's my very short two cents worth. that everyone had a good opinion, but Cat was right trust your motherly instincts.... they are always right and if they are off once in a while who cares......no one else is raising your child except you and your husband.... In laws and parents never agree 100% with what you do with your children. Stick to your guns.... ps I don't think this aunt should have done what she did and I would just make sure I never leave my child alone with her again. She can still visit, but when you are there .... oh and I probably wouldn't have said to much either, but would have stewed and stewed about it and thought about things I could have said when I got home.... Keep up the good work Happy Girl........ Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted February 11, 2003 Share Posted February 11, 2003 Hi Happygirl I think everyone has already said everythin I could but I just wanted to post to send my love. It must have been a horrible situation for you and your little one. Stargirl Quote Link to comment
Linda Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 :mad you all might want to delete this but here goes.... I caome from an abusive childhood and there as a lot to over come... yes I was on meds But Thank God no more. One of those things that was done was the burn thing...or throw out of the boat to learn to swim (which i never did, almost drown though) OOOOH!!!!! NO ONE has the right to hurt any child. NO ONE!!! I was a strict parent ask my DD and she will tell you that, but to hurt her NO WAY! We heat with a wood stove and with the grand babies we wouuld watch them very close and let them know ouch..hot.. and if one like the grandson did went to touch it scared me so bad that I screamed NO. and in turn it scared him so bad that he cried and I hugged but he never tried that again. We as adults should make it as safe as we can for the child and teach them what will hurt them. I've done the chair thing before too, As for the MIL here is a suggestion... tell her how you feel about this, if you can't talk to her (and I understand how your DH feels) write her. writing her will help you to get this out of your system, you might have to write more then one letter to get it right... and will give her how you feel in writing and she can refer to it after she gets over her first mad to see what you are saying. keep a copy. Good luck and God bless and lead you in raising your children. Quote Link to comment
Snowmom Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 Happy Girl, there's not much I can add, except that I wholeheartedly agree with Cat's comment that what Grandma REALLY taught your daughter is that you can trust Grandma to put your hand to a hot stove! You might mention that if something similar comes up again........"yes, you've taught her the stove is hot and you've also taught her that Grandma will hurt her for no apparent reason." Quote Link to comment
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