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One liners for Stephanie


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Just realized I put the Valentine ones in the Shoutbox, but not here - oops!


Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ? A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch? A: You turn me on.


Q: What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A: A stamp.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? A: Antelope.


(Had to edit out a couple of duplicate jokes from last year.)

Edited by Leah
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New St Patrick's Day jokes... For more, please see last year's post.


When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? When it's a French fry!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? Because it was too far for them to crawl.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.

What did one Irish ghost say to the other? 'Top o' the moaning!


Did you hear about the leprechaun who went to jail? He was a lepre-con!

Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? They like to "go" first class!

What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a Texan? A pot of chili at the end of the rainbow!

What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a frog? A little green man with a croak of gold!

What do you call a clumsy Irish dance ?A jig mistake!

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.

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What is all over the house? The roof. smilie-house.gif

What runs all around the yard? The fence.

What did the chimney and the door do when the house caught on fire? the chimney flue and the door bolted.

What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the next corner.

What did the rug say to the floor? hands up, I've got you covered.

When should a window pane blush" When it sees the weather stripping.


What is big enough to hold a pig, and small enough to hold in your hand? A pen.

What is it from which you may take away the whole and still have some left, or take away some and still have the whole left? The word wholesome.

What goes from New York to Albany without moving? The highway.


What is always coming, but never arrives? Tomorrow.

What remains down even when it flies up? A feather.

What is it that you cannot hold for ten minutes, even though it is lighter than a feather? Your breath.


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Sorry about the typos. The site will not let me fix them even when I notice as I type them.

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Clearing out my files...

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

A fish swims into a wall... "I'll be dammed!"

Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand store.

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.

Judge: Malcolm, when did you become a hardened criminal? Malcolm: When I was running from a construction site with a stolen whistle and fell down into some wet cement.


Butch: You don’t look so good. Junior: That’s because I strained myself.

Butch: How did you do that? Junior: I fell through a screen door.


Young fly: Pop, can you teach me how to do the backstroke? Older fly: Why do you want to learn the backstroke?

Young fly: So I can be in one of those soup jokes.


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.


How do you get holy water? Boil the he** out of it.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.


Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank—proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a banana? Try peeling an elephant.

Junior: Mom, I have the biggest feet in the fourth grade. Is that because of my genes? Blanche: No, Junior, it’s because you’re fifteen.

First scientist: I see you’re still reading that book on anti-gravity. Second scientist: Yes, I just can’t put it down.

Willie: Does your grandfather suffer from insanity? Lilly: No, he enjoys every minute of it.

Professor: Junior, how can you prove the earth is round? Junior: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide.


An agriculture student said to a farmer: “Your methods are too old-fashioned. I won’t be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples.” “I won’t be surprised either,” said the farmer. “This is an orange tree.”



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