Tensions of a mixed faith marriage

[HazelStone]

Gripefest ensues...

 

Christmas will be fun...

 

It is a 10 or 11 hour drive from my house to my parents' house. Every year we go there for the family celebration and my brother's family comes in from the City. This is assuming that there's no pileups on the toll road and the weather is good. Gas costs are not trivial.

 

As I am currently unemployed, we are "blessed" with a lot of leeway for scheduling. We usually take a week off for Christmas because I don't get to see my family at any other time. There is a wrench in the works though... my parents were having some remodeling done. It has gotten way, WAY behind schedule (because my parents can't negotiate their way out of a paper bag) and the house is not in a condition to accommodate guests.

 

So my parents have offered to pay hotel costs for the 24th and 25th. This is gracious of them, but it's also insane to spend as much time in transit as we would at the destination. My husband would use a different word, but this is a family-oriented forum...

 

So if we want to make the stay long enough to be worth the drive, we'll have to spend several days in a hotel on our dime. We could hang around my tiny hometown (hooray) or we can go into the City... this looks like the better option because everybody will be Busy right before Christmas, and no one is hanging about long, except maybe my niece. Sweetie has never been to the City and wants to see it so that is a great time to do it.

 

...except that he is concerned about costs. Our finances are conservative; when I got laid off it wasn't a case of "OMG how will I make the car payment." We're still cashflow positive and we have a decent emergency fund (thank you, Lord). The sticky point is that Sweetie is a government employee and so everybody is holding their breath about The Fiscal Cliff. Since most employment here is government-derived, every agency is suspending new hiring. The longer the government plays chicken on this, the longer I will likely be unemployed. And Sweetie might be on reduced hours, too. So he's being skittish on travel expenses.

 

Christmas/Hanukkah presents will be very lean/simple this year. Kids will get theirs, but the adults have decided we all have enough Stuff. We will also do a Hanukkah celebration with Sweetie's family.

 

While I have been accomodating/respectful of Sweetie's heritage, he has not been extending similar to me or mine. He refused to go to Christmas Mass with us last year; he says the incense sets off his allergies. In a small close-knit town, it doesn't look good but I wasn't going to force the issue. The choir, and its selections are not very good so that's another understandable pain point. He gets angry about the incense, asking why the heck the parish is trying to kill its members. (He is overly fussy on some things. Bleeping drama queen...).

 

Holy Thursday Mass was ruined this spring because he only registered this year that hey.... this Mass uses incense too! He keeps talking during Mass and isn't always respectful. I should point out for context that Sweetie suffers from ADD. Oh and he was angered at the rhetoric for Holy Thursday Mass. (Because Christians see themselves as the natural extension of the original covenant with the Jews and that ticks him off- "his people" were persecuted by the Church for centuries and now "you guys" claim that "you are just like us?!") Ruined that Mass and I went to Easter Mass alone (none of our friends here are Catholic). Then when I got back he was in a panic attack because I was out for so long and my phone was unreachable (I turn it off in church). Yes I told him this Mass would be considerably longer. He also won't understand that the length of a church service VARIES from week to week!

 

For regular Mass I just go alone. But I like to have company for Christmas and Easter.

 

Sweetie's short term memory isn't great (ADD). He exaggerates it, I think, just so he doesn't have to be responsible for remembering/ keeping track of everything. He wants every last thing to be logged on Google Calendar. My view is that as a grown man with a master's degree he should be able to handle a few things without crutches or shoving the tracking responsibility on someone else. In short, he acts like a lazy, spoiled brat because he got away with it at home.

 

Mind you, Sweetie is an AGNOSTIC Jew. I have pointed out that his claim to being one of God's Chosen People is rather shaky when he doesn't believe in God. Sweetie said he wants more direct evidence. I've argued that those who were given it did not lead easy lives...careful what you wish for! Especially madenning is that almost everything he knows about the Catholic Church and Christian doctrine in general is what I have taught him. This isn't even a case of a hostile person feeding him info first. He's twisting the explanations *I* give him, when he doesn't know jack...cowpie...about history either.

 

So basically he acts like a spoiled brat, down to complaining that the pews are uncomfortable and screw up his back (those 90 year olds over there are doing ok with it...)

 

He has also sworn that if my family leaves "A Christmas Story" on the TV while we're there, he's grabbing his stuff and driving home. He hates that movie with a passion. (I agree with him here, but just ignore it when its on). So if he tries to pull that card, I am in the unenviable position of having to rent a car/book a plane ticket to get back home later, or follow him in his snit. A married couple should be a united front, but this assumes being half reasonable in the conflict. Although, I have asked my parents to accommodate this point and they have refused to.

 

So I have the choice of undermining him in front of my family, or "giving in" to his brattiness and missing what little time I'd have with my folks. Everybody's family has practices or details that drive outsiders crazy. His family is no exception. Y'know what? I smile, act graciously, and keep my mouth shut.

 

I might wait until we're well past Cleveland before I tell him I wouldn't be accomodating any snit he gets into.

 

I actually broke down crying in frustration last night because my parents couldn't get their crap together AND I'm having to re-convince Sweetie to even head out there. And also that no one is sticking around very long so our travel to family time ratio is way skewed. Lots of family obligation, little actual benefit or face time.

 

If you've made it this far down, thanks for reading. I needed to vent and think aloud a bit. I still don't know how to play, this, though.

[Jeepers]

I've never been in that situation so my thoughts may be totally wrong. Feel free to ignore.

 

I'd tell him I'm spending my holiday with my family this year and since he doesn't enjoy being there, he may as well stay home if that would make him happier. And I will save the hotel money by sleeping on their couch. Also, if he wants me to spend his holiday with his family, I'd be happy to go with him or stay home, but it's up to him either way. If he is ADD and 'needy' then he will probably panic and hopefully see you aren't going to cater to him. I'm not calling him needy...it's just for lack of a better word!

 

I'm a big believer in putting the ball in the other person's court and making them make their own choices and living with their own consequences. Learned that raising a difficult teen so I'm probably a hard a$$. One holiday without you might make him see his own decision making affects him more than you.

 

If he still wants to go, tell him to just skip the church service as you can't force your religion on someone else. If anyone asks, tell the truth. He can't tolerate the incense. Or that he is of a different faith.

 

As for the Christmas Story, their house, their rules. And if he says anything...they'll shoot his eye out. LOL.

 

It sounds like you want him there with you but he makes you miserable when he is. BTDT and the tension is usually not worth it.

[lumabean]

I wish I had the answers for you to make this holiday less stressful for you. Jeepers has a good idea though, maybe even just the suggestion of him being alone for the holiday may sway his thinking a bit.

 

If he does come along...

 

WIth the incense in church, can he sit in the back or even in the crying room if that church has one (my mom's church is Catholic, and they have a room in the back with big glass windows for parents to see Mass, and also has sound -- people take their kids in there when they're being loud or crying -- I figured other churches may as well).

 

It does seem as though he's protesting a bit much .... my brother and his wife are of a religion where they are not supposed to mix with other religions at all, esp. going to other services, yet they still sat respectfully through my grandmother's funeral services, and also attended a baptism. Granted, my sister-in-law made a point to tell everyone how wrong the religion was but at least she waited until the gathering afterward.

 

Maybe also point out to him how you sit through his events/gatherings with no issues, and would appreciate him doing the same. With how he's being, it may be less of a hassle to just work out solutions to his issues ... such as the incense (changing seats, crying/childrens' room, or even stepping outside for a breath of fresh air if need be).

 

As for the what they watch, etc. I am sure that there are concessions and sacrifices you make when you're with his family -- perhaps you can mention some of those things to him in a nice way, to show that you're doing your fair share of the give and take -- and he should as well.

 

I hope you're able to enjoy your holiday and family time regardless of his dramatics

[HazelStone]

If he is ADD and 'needy' then he will probably panic and hopefully see you aren't going to cater to him. I'm not calling him needy...it's just for lack of a better word!

 

 

'Needy' is an appropriate word here. Heck, part of the appeal of going to Mass regularly is to get some "me" time (heh). Church helps me keep on an even keel in general, but there is the added bonus....

 

I have said before "I am going. You are welcome to come to services with me and it would be nice if you went with, but I am not going to force you." If he doesn't come, he's left alone for a while, and whines. If he comes with me, he rips on the ceremony, and whines. And on the surface-level, aesthetic stuff yeah I agree with him. (ultra-modern parish). But he then gets offended if I tell him to pipe down at a part where it is really inappropriate to be talking. Not because he doesn't know offhand what those parts ARE, but that he gets offended on a polite request to can it.

 

My family always gets to church at the last minute so the only seats left are toward the front. Part of this really is mom also getting snit-y if Sweetie does flee to the back.

 

This year I may just take a harder stance and say "stay home. Drink some Bailey's. We'll be back when we are back and you should know by now that I can't give you a firm return time. Man up and deal." Reinforce that I am not "leaving him" to go to Mass, he is CHOOSING to stay behind.

 

Maybe I should put together a list of the things MIL has said in recent months where I did not rise to the bait to have ready against Sweetie's complaints. MIL is the opposite of me in political views and I have to suppress an eyeroll when I pass the old presidential campaign signs stored in her garage.

 

Or maybe I give SIL full permission to mess with his head this year. He's been getting the "new family member" courtesy through now... if he wants to be so stubborn my family might take the kid gloves off. And they are formidable in verbal battles.

 

Oh and when we have kids he says it will be up to me to teach them both traditions since he admits he didn't pay attention at all in Hebrew school. This could be FUN! Get schooled by your 5 year old in Scripture...

 

At least SIL agrees to a moratorium on "A Christmas Story" this year. Still gotta convince Mom though!

[Skagitgal]

Dear Hazel stone,

 

I pray that you might have a blessed Christmas. In my humble opinion, if I were you, I would create a Christmas peace WITHOUT your hubby or your parents. From what you have written, it comes down to a huge tug of war...with you in the center. This is not what Christmas is about.

 

1. Although they are your parents, they don't sound particually welcomming or flexable.

2. Ditto with hubby.

 

Stay home and spend time in mass to communicate with your God. If you are interested, spend the time you would in travel, in church..

 

Be conservative...[read very frugal] with presents, spend time volunteering close to home.

 

Please do not have children. You and hubby do not have a solid base/ concensus/flexability to bring children into your world.

 

Please do not find this harsh and judgemental, I'm a realist.