maybe i just need a different point of view? (long)

[Kygal]

this is a little bit of what is going on with my in-laws. my mom in law is passive, and pretends to be naieve(spelling?) she does not stand up for what she believes in. my father in law is controlling, and likes to pretend that he is not an a$$hole(for lack of a better word) my sister in law lives with them and she is manipulative, and likes to try and force her opinions on people, make them believe as she does. she has an 8 year old into whom she plants her fears and opinions. both my sister in law and her daughter live with her parents, and are 100% financially dependant on her parents. (she is 32 years old, married and lives with her parents and makes them support her and her daughter)

 

when we got married we lived in vancouver area and we both had full time jobs. as soon as i told my boss i was pregnant she immediately cut me down to 4 hours a week because she claims she didnt want to cause me stress, even though i said no, i NEED more hours. anyways, because i could not get hours and i couldn't find temporary employment, we had to move somewhere cheaper.

 

my idea was to move to edmonton because my mom offered to reserve us a 3 bedroom appartment in her building, just like hers, and i like her apartment. she also offered to be our babysitter free of charge, so we could both work full time. it is cheap to live there and there is tons of work. anyways, pats family decided to bad mouth my family to him, and he decided that we shoud move to where his family is. hoppin' mad about it, but with little choice, i agreed. we had no vehicle at the time so we had to rely on pats folks to find us a place.

 

they looked at one place took photos for us and said that it was availible immediately. the place was hideous! brown wood panel walls, grean/orange honey comb patterned floor, and flourescent lighting! the kitchen is, literally, 6 feet by 6 feet. i have one square foot of useable counter space. i have to keep my dishes in the hallway bnecause there is not enough cupboard space.....i could go on about how much i hate this place all day. well, when i said after viewing the photos that i did not want to live there they said stuff like "i went out of my way to find you a place and this is how you repay me?" the place is only 4 blocks from thiers, it is not out of thier way. but they made such a HUGE deal out of i tried to be the "bigger person" and we moved into it. we figured we could jsut move out right away. well, pat didnt find work right away, and we ended up stuck here. we are still here and its been almost a year.

 

so the other day i was all depressed about living here so much so i was in tears (i get this way everycouple of weeks i hate this place so much) and pat he promeses he will get me out of here as soon as he can. then we get this call from his dad and he tells pat to come over at precisely 8:25. pat asks why and his dad refuses tell. so pat shruggs and goes over there. (i wasnot invited by the way, he was instructed to go alone) turns out that they went to go look at a townhouse for us to live in and they didnt want me to go look at the place because they thought i would make a bad impression on the apparently conservative landlady. my husband is a metal head and he wears metal shirts. yesterday he was wearing one of his metal shirts when he went to see the place and he still smelled "funky" from working that day, and THAT is supposed to make a better impression that a young mom? you want to know what band was on his shirt? ok, i'll tell you, the band is calle immolation. so he went to go make a good impression while stinky and wearing a smelly shirt with holes that said "immolation" across the front. i am insulted.

 

pat sais i will like the place and that it has a big kitchen, but would any of you really want to blindly move into a place that was picked out for you by people who have a history of picking ugly places? this is not the first time i have been blatantly excluded form dfamily affairs. they contantly call family meeting to which i am not invited. last christmas everyone got christmas presents except me. MIL said that my present was ordered and hadn't come in yet. FIL said that he left it his friends truck, and SIL went and gave me some lip balm as an after thought. i still have not seen these mysterious presents that they claim to have gotten me. i dont care about the presents, but they did not even walk up to me ans say "merry christmas" i was ignored. then they had the nerve to complain to DH that i was rude for not eating very much. i was very pregnant and very sick. ALL food made me hurl i could not even keep water down and i was on medication to help me eat. it did not help much.

 

the first chriostmas pat and i were together they invited me ove for thier family christmas, and i was happy tp gp and get to know them as pat was always telling me how great they were and how i knew that they would accept me with open arms. shortly after i had met pats sister she told everyone i was a satanic witch and she convinced her parents of that and i was uninvited 2 weeks before christmas. she claims tht she made that call becasue i had upsidown crosses and satanic symbols all over my house and person. which i dont. she had never been to my house before. she assumed. i dont wear satanic anything. i am not a witch nor am i satanic. i dye my hair black and wear a lot of black clothing, but that is hardly a good enough reason to burn me at the proverbial stake. they later grudgingly accepted me enough to allow me to visit thier house.

 

 

last night i couldnot take it anymore. i gave my father in law a big huge piece of my mind. BIG piece. i am certain that they will blow this whole thing out of context as usualy. i am just waiting for a reply and/or reaction. essentially what this boils down to is culture clash. they were born and raised in chile in very well off families, and i grew up poor in canada. to them it is rude to take off your shoes when you go to thier house. to us it is disrepectfull or keep them on when you go to someones house. that is just a small example of the clashing that we have been doing.

 

they are moving back to chile in a year or 2, so i am trying to hold on untill then. it is hard not to give up and shut them out. but i keep truckin' for my husbands sake.

 

anywyas, this has been a nice long post, and thanks if you even read this far. what is your point of view?

 

 

everytime i get discouraged i say to meself, "everything is ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it isn't the end." it helps me to take a deep breath and relax a little. i neeed a bath.

[Linda]

Pixie you story sounds so much like a freind of mine, right down to the Christmas gifts. I can tell you what she did. after 12 years and one child later. she left him.

 

sure am hoping things go better for you. good luck hon

[redhenfarm]

It sounds like your father-in-law is the "patriarch" and he expects to rule the roost - even when his children are grown and should/could be making their own decisions. Perhaps he helps his children out financially and that gives him the power to continue to rule. I am amazed that they were so rude at Christmas. I've always thought it is interesting the Bible says "a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave (unite/bond with) his own wife. All the cartoons and stuff imply women have a hard time making decisions without their mother's opinion. Anyway, my bias is I believe what God said and I think it is interesting he warned men to cleave to their own wife (not his parents). When I married, many years ago, my husband's father and stepmother were disinterested in what we did and my parents were critical. Mainly my mother didn't like it that I chose to breastfeed my babies, then she got mad because we decided to have natural childbirth with the second one with my husband in the delivery room. She got mad when we decided to move to this small town several hours away. The best thing we did was make that move anyway with that space and distance giving us a chance to build our lives together. Young couples have enough things to learn and iron out about each other without parents butting in. Now if it's a matter of life or death or someone's safety (like in Snowmom's grandchildren) then a person needs to do what they can. But in a hundred years what is it going to matter if you choose to wear black and dye your hair? If you love your kids and are taking care of them then you should be encouraged. Unfortunately life isn't that simple. If I were you I'd be having discussions with Pat about whether he expects to move back to Chile with his parents in future and something like this year you want your family to spend time with your Mom (if it works with her plans). My daughter-in-law usually doesn't come here for the holidays even when our son does. It's her decision and it makes me a bit sad and I hope some day she feels she wants to be with us enough to come but until that time I just keep letting her know she is invited. If I feel concerned about anything my kids are doing or aren't doing all I have to do is remember how it was for me when I was their age and I keep my lips zipped. After all I love my kids and if they love someone, who am I to make life hard for them.

Good luck, Pixie, and this is a good place to be able to vent about such things.

 

[Guest Guest]

A couple of things struck me while I was reading your post...

 

Having lived in Miami for over 20 years, I've become acquainted with the South American culture. It is very old fashioned with the man of the household running things, the wife in the background, and the children who have been raised to respect and believe what ever their parents say. They do tend to be very tight families, and often have grown family members still living in the household. Being American myself, I don't think I'd do well in a traditional latin setting, as I am a very strong and independant woman and I stand for what I believe, whether I be wrong or right. A case in point...my brother had his truck parked in my driveway for 2 years, and finally decided to sell it. 2 latin guys came to buy it...one spoke english, the other didn't, so the first one was there to translate for the one that was buying the truck. I was filling out some papers to finalize the transaction and the english speaking guy and I were joking around, and I said to him *ahhhh shadddup*...he looked at me seriously and said to me, "if you were MY wife, you wouldn't speak to me like that"...I replied, "well first of all I was joking, 2nd of all, I'm not your wife, and 3rd of all, if I were, I'd say whatever I wanted"...*rolling eyes at self* lol

 

The bottom line is that you are married and you and your husband need to build your own life. That will probably prove difficult for your husband at times because *obeying* his fathers request is how he was raised and is respectful to that culture, so it's not gonna be easy. They aren't gonna change and could quite possibly try to come between you and your husband...the one good thing that you have going for you is that you share a child together and I'm sure his parents are nuts about her.

 

Regardless, you're not gonna change them and the important thing is for you to be who you really are. I wouldn't stuff things until you blow up, I'd politely state your opinion as things come up. You're not there for a popularity contest, you're in love with your husband and you love your daughter...that's what you are accountable and responsible for.

 

Communication in a marriage is vital, so perhaps consider sitting down with your husband and discussing short term goals (i.e. moving to a different place) and also long term goals that you want to set as a family.

 

You are a very special person that God knew would be born many, many years ago. He created you for a purpose and He found and finds value in you today. You have alot to offer and give, in your marriage, with your daughter, and with the friends that care about you too. It's not always easy and it sure won't be a bed of roses, but nothing that's worth anything, ever comes easy anyway.

 

You're a bright girl, and you already have the answers, it's just probably tough to feel like you're *going it alone*, and swimming upstream like a salmon. Be true to yourself and don't let anyone ever take that away.

 

Please feel free to vent here anytime...sometimes for me, just writing how I'm feeling, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, lightens those loads that feel unbearable at times.

 

But most of all, keep looking up!

 

(((((pixie)))))

[Freetobeme]

 

Pixie- My first marriage was to a really nice guy who was still very much immature at the age of 30. He was part of his dad's company and his dad 'ruled the roost'. To make matters worse, his dad and my mom were married to each other making his dad my step-dad. (Yeah, I know it sounds very redneck!)

 

Anyway, after years of playing second fiddle to his family (my mom didn't count, she was just a workhorse), we divorced. He recently apologized for all of the nonsense he allowed to happen, but it really makes no difference now. You see, he saw the error of his ways too late. In retrospect, I should have put my foot down and insisted on going for marriage counseling. Unfortunately, outside help was seen as something that other people did, not us.

 

On the upside, we have three great kids and are now friends. I have regretted not finding a way to work things out to maintain my sanity and marriage. I would urge you to seek counseling. There are free and low cost services available in most places.

[HapyGirl]

I'm so aorry his parents have chosen to treat you this way

[Guest Guest]

**Cat wades in with armor covering her vulnerable parts...**

 

This is just *MY OPINION*. It may rub a few people the wrong way, but I hope they consider my heart and see it as a whole.

 

I agree with Darlene about the Latin culture. How much have you learned about it, really? How long has your husband's family lived in Canada? It can make a *BIG* difference in how they view the culture in which they now live AND the way they view *you*.

 

You have several things going on, according to what you've written here:

 

1) This is a traditional Chilean family structure.

 

2) They are living in a strange (to them) culture (unless they've lived there long enough that their children were born in Canada).

 

3) Their precious son (only son??) has married not only a "strange Canadian", but one who looks and dresses out of the "norm" for most Canadians.

 

4) You have a meddling, manipulative Sister-In-Law who takes advantage of her parents (who probably think they're protecting her somehow?) despite being married herself (WHERE'S HER HUSBAND?? )

 

 

 

[Freetobeme]

Great advice Cat!

[gardnmom]

A list, 2 columns.

!st column- What I want for me and my child.

2nd column-What it will cost me to have it.

When you have finished it you weigh to 2 very carefully, and decide on what is truly important to you, then adjust accordingly.

I have come to learn that what is important to "me" is not what would please someone else, so we must all base our decisions on what we can or cannot live with.

Men and women alike live very comforably with actions that would literally drive me to distraction, but they are quite happy with that choice.

Just be sure "you" can live with it.

[Kygal]

i am actually very happy for this insight. since we have wed i have changed my hair colour, i never have worn only black, most of my clothes are dark, but i really dont have a lot of clothes, and therefore i can only wear dark clothes 3 days a week anyways. i grew up poor and so i have always had the mindset that money is better spent of food and bills than things like clothes, and shoes. i remember wearing sneakers with holes for an entire prarie winter because we could not afford anymore.

 

pat IS an only son, and he is thier favorite. he has been babied and spoiled him whole life. as a result i have to teach him basic manners and even grammar because the would never correct him because it was "cute" when he did/said it wrong.

 

they have lived in canada since pat (who is now 30) was 18 months old. his sister is 2 years older. sil married in vegas and has NEVER even lived with her husband. she got married, then moved in with her parents. she has tried to break us up on several occations, telling pat that she thinks i am the "type" that will cheat on her. she tried to break us up before telling everyone that i was a satanic witch. however i am remonded of that bible verse that sais take the log out of your own eye before removing the splinter from your brothers(in thins case sisters, hehe) eye. she dyes her hair black, has all sorts of piercings in odd places (lip nose, eyebrow, ears ears ears, nipples belly button and even clitoris she told me i have not seen, lol) she is half covered in tattoos, wears ONLY dark colours and reads terot cards!

 

in regards to helping financially, his parents do help us financially. but they needn't. the reason they do help us financially is because my husband insists on driving 4 hours(round trip) to vancouver every weekend to go and practice with his band. that is 60 dollars in gas not including commuting at either end, and not running out as you pull into the driveway. so, 80(min) dollars in gas per week, and 100 dollars a month for insurance, he stays the night there when he does go, so a weekends worth of fast food...20 dollars a weekend. that makes it 5 - 6 hundred dollars he spends on going to play with a band that does not make him anymoney. he refuses to quit. instead he goes, week after week, and then askes his parents to pay our rent. i feel so ddependant(and helpless?). i have been independant my whole life (well since i was 13ish, just ask jo hah hah ) i have made so many sacrifices for him and this marriage, and all he did was........get sick and ask for money? SIL gets pissed off when pat askes for even just 30 bucks to top off our rent when she has no problem pinching her moms credit card to go buy a pair of 300 dollar shoes. they are already paying for her cell phone, her car, her kid, and her computer....

 

they seem to have no problem whatsoever to call me up and tell me i am making the wrong decisions for my kids at anytime they please. you should have heard the angry phone call i got when i let my daugter walk 2 blocks to school. i can even see the school, and i watched her from the driveway! i used ride off on my bike all the time anywhere i pleased, all over town when i was a kid and nothing bad ever happened to me because i was tought how to be safe rather than how to be scared. could you imagine the hell i would catch if i called her up and told her i have a problem with her parenting? her parents baby her because she was in a car accident a couple years ago.

 

in pats family it is very much the man of the house rules. i grew up in a family where it was always the woman of the house rules. my fasther was handicapped from a severe car accident and therefore no better mentally than a 10 year old boy. so, mom rules. me and my husband rule our home jointly. we also acept input from our kids. if my daughter does not like the rules we have, she is welcome to question them. if we cannot find a good valid reason to have a rule, then we discuss it as a family, and maybe throw it out the window. when we were dating however, i flexed my will often and always got what i wanted and he still married me even though i asserted my power over him at that point.

 

i am not asking that his parents accept me, i am only asking that they include me in discussions that have to do with me. they call family meetings so that they can complain about how rude they think i am!

 

thankfully for me, they are not catholic. well, his mom is, but his father is athiest.

*~whew~* they claim to love my daughter as thier own grandchild, but i have heard them say when asked how many grandkids do you have, they say "2" SIL's daughter gives everyone a hug before bed or when we leqave except sapphire. it hurts sapphires feelings and she feels very left out. so, she is going through the same thing i am but on a younger scale.

 

i believe pat is too proud for marriage councling. however if i tell him that our marriage might fail and that he needs to do this, then he would at least have to realize what i have been saying to him all along. i tell him that he has to stand up for his rights. i am his, right? so, he has to stand up for me. he sais "i dont wwant to be caught inthe middle" but i told him its a family problem, and therefor, we, as a family have to deal with it. otherwise it is just me on a soap box whining and complaining. and him in the back shaking his head. now when they ask him questions that involve me, he always says "ask pixie, i cannot speak for her" before he would assume the correct answer, and they would make up the rest.

 

i would LOVE to live near my mom., pat refuses to live in the praries. least thats what he sais. he used to live in thompson manitoba and he said that he was miserable there. i tell him taht because he didnt have me. hee hee.

 

"I suspect they chose an ugly place to encourage your complaints and depression and rip up the marriage. (I'm sure they know several very eligible young women in Chile who would *LOVE* to marry a "rich Canadian" and would suit them better as a DIL.)"

 

i never thought of that. my family would NEVER be so devious. in my family when someone weds someone you dislike, you like them wether you like it or not! lol litterally. even if my family did not like pat, they would treat his as thier own son because we have our vows to each other. that is more important that someone elses petty feelings of dislike.

 

pats family makes him promise not to tell me what goes on at the family meetings. but he tells me anyways. it is litterally a "pick on pixie party" if i say something along the lines of "if you have a problem with me, can't we discuss it like mature adults?" the poo poo hits the fan! if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all, right? or at least no to ones face.

 

with the shoe thing fine, whatever, i ask that they take off thier shoes in my house. or i would but they refuse to visit. iam the one that has to clean the mud off the carpets. pats parents are trying to convince us all to move to chile. pat refuses to go. he doesnot consider himself chileno, if you ask him, he will say he is canadian.

 

if they cant see me as family, then my blood would not be family either, right? i WILL take drastic measures if i have to .

 

oh and pats dad has cheated on his wife many times. pat hates his dad as much as he loves him and sais so himself. pats dad was swearing at his mom one day and pat strongly told his dad to stop it. his dad attacked him, but never took into account the years of karate lessons he paid for for pat. LOL

 

 

well, we will work this out somehow. i refuse to be weak and give in, i wont give up on my husband either.

[Guest Guest]

(((((Pixie))))) I can relate to a certain extent...I hope and pray that things go better for you.

[logcabinmama]

Pixie, I am so sorry that things are going this way for you. I do hope and will be

 

 

[kaseyb (Supermom!)]

Pixie, you're a survivor of many hardships in your life and you'll pull through this too. I scanned this quickly due to lack of time, but I'm assuming you have children. If so, then keeping your marriage intact and strengthening it over time is crucial. Divorce has its place on occasion (such as when a spouse refuses to give up an adulterous affair), but it often leads to all sorts of other problems, many of them serious. Most women in poverty today are single moms with children, for example.

 

When my dh and I got married both sets of parents started pulling control strings - or should I say, they continued their usual antics. So we moved to another state.

 

I've always longed for an extended family that could be together in harmony, but the reality in some families is that such dreams are not possible. My strong belief is that God intended for families to stay close to one another - it benefits the children greatly and it's a good thing. But when other people refuse to get along in spite of your best efforts, all you can do is work with what you have. In my case it meant putting distance between some of the players involved.

 

My dh and kids are wonderful people and we all get along great. I think our getting away from the controllers helped us establish our own family. Your husband will do better if he's not around the "pamper parents" so much.