You might be a Mommy if....

[ROBIE]

I was watching my wife and my son at dinner, and watched my wife do something that made me think... there has got to be a list about mommies doing things like this... and sure enough...

 

 

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor, and you don't care.

 

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

 

3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

 

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

 

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

 

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

 

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

 

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

 

9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

 

10. Your kids make jokes about bodily functions, and you think it's funny. (that's so her)

 

11. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls...and HE hangs up on YOU!

 

12. Spit is your number one cleaning agent. (hey... if it works...)

 

13. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. (who doesn't?)

 

14. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie treats. (they sure don't know me!)

 

15. You're up each night until 10:00 P.M. vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller-blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink, or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

 

You think a banana clip is a perfectly acceptable antidote to a bad hair day.

 

You’ve ever fantasized about taking a hit out on one of the Wonder Pets. (Michael Jr LOVES the Wonder Pets!)

 

Your underwear is the same pair you had on yesterday.

 

You own a pair of “special occasion” flip flops.

 

You’ve ever purchased sunscreen with an SPF higher than 50.

 

You could never imagine traveling somewhere with your kids that doesn’t have a microwave.

 

Your kid pees on the floor and you don’t clean it up right away.

 

You’ve woken up at 7:45 a.m. and thought “aah, it feels so good to sleep in!” (that's so her again)

 

Your idea of date night is dinner OR a movie.

 

You couldn’t finish reading this list because you had to Google “magic markers” & “hardwood floors.”

 

You suspect anyone who stays up past 11:00 at night of doing cocaine.

 

You know that Mr. Clean Magic Erasers will get permanent marker out of hardwood floors.

 

10. You refuse to flush the toilet in fear it will wake the napping baby. (been there, done that)

 

9. You’ve oinked to the point of losing your voice (upon discovering that your oinking makes the baby laugh).

 

8. You tell the manicurist that she should not, under ANY circumstances, cut or file your right pinky nail because you use it to pick your child’s boogers.

 

7. You no longer communicate directly with your husband, but rather, passive-aggressively through your baby: “Your daddy forgot to take out the trash, didn’t he? Oh yes, he did!” (cooed to the baby in a singsongy voice while said husband is sitting right next to you and rolling his eyes).

 

6. You suddenly find farts funny and endearing.

 

5. You say, “Aw, man, do we have to…?” when your husband asks you out on a date.

 

4. You can pick ice cream sandwich crumbs off the floor with your toes. (I'm so good at this)

 

3. You’ve bought ponytail holders in bulk.

 

2. You have no qualms eating a Zone Bar with baby poop on your hands.

 

1. You regularly (and inexplicably) break into song. In fact, you can make just about ANYTHING a song: “We’re off to go to Starbucks, the most wonderful latte makers of all. Because, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuuse…. of all the wonderful lattes they make!”

 

 

1) Your purse is the size of an airplane carry-on, and while searching for your wallet to pay at the grocery store you pull out a Hot Wheel car and a bag of Goldfish crackers.

 

2) When shoe shopping, your choice of "cute" shoes is now either in toddler sizes or are flats (because let's face it, when do you have time for stilettos anymore?).

 

3) You receive bad customer service and turn to the clerk and say "Now is that how we treat people?"

 

4) The stains on your clothing resemble NOTHING that YOU had for lunch.

 

5) "Doing your hair" involves actually using the hair dryer this time.

 

6) When you're on the phone in a public place and the person hears background noise, they automatically assume you are at home.

 

7) You look forward to bedtime, whether yours or theirs.

 

8) You hear someone talking about this elusive thing called a mani/pedi and immediately assume they meant to talk about Pedipeds.

 

9) When you say you have "nothing to wear" you are not being overly dramatic. Who has time to do laundry?

 

10) "Shopping" means grocery shopping.

 

11) Your weekly trip to the Gym is the Little Gym.

 

12) Softy, chewy, tummy-time have become new staple vocabulary words.

 

13) You are multilingual thanks to Dora and Kai Lan. Who needs Rosetta Stone?

 

14) A "date" is always a "playdate".

 

15) You're a brand snob over Baby Bjorn and Peg Perego.

 

16) The art work in your home was made at summer camp and preschool.

 

17) You think it's perfectly acceptable to drink wine out of a plastic sippy cup, because all of the wine glasses have obviously been broken.

 

18) You know how to get gum (and other sticky objects) out of hair.

 

19) Nothing in your home is white, off-white, or cream colored.

 

20) "Wall art" is what your child does when you leave Sharpies laying around.

 

 

You know you're a mom if you've ever crawled under a crib at 2 a.m. searching for a pacifier like your life depended on it.

 

You know you're a mom if you've ever stuck a pacifier in your mouth just to clean it off! (did that)

 

You know you're a mom if you never call a pacifier "a pacifier."

 

You know you're a mom if you find yourself singing "Old MacDonald" in the car... alone!

 

You know you're a mom when you start looking at diaper bags the same as you did those awesome leather purses currently hanging in your closet.

 

You know you're a mom if you have more children than dollars in your purse.

 

You know you're a mom if you can take a shower and do hair and makeup in less than 10 minutes (with an audience).

 

You know you're a mom if you don't even shut the door to go to the bathroom.

 

You know you're a mom if you taste baby food along with the evening meal.

 

You know you're a mom when you wake up with extra people in bed with you.

 

You really know you're a mom when you stop caring if people think your house is nice and you just wish they'd think your kids were nice.

 

You know you're a mom when baby wipes are more valuable than money at any given time of day in any given location.

 

You know you're a mom if everything you ever need is on the floor of your car.

 

You know you're a mom if you have ever held out your hands to catch vomit. (done that too)

 

You know you’re a mom if every time you go to the bathroom, your 2.5 year-old comes with you, hands you the toilet paper, demands to see the contents of the toilet, flushes for you, and applauds you.

 

You know you’re a mom if you know the sale schedule and rate that items get marked down as clearance for every childrens’ clothing or department store in your area. (She is really good at this)

 

You know you're a mom if you buy goldfish crackers and cheerios by the truckload.

 

You know you're a mom if you stash baby wipes in every room and a burp cloth on every piece of furniture. And in every vehicle. And in every purse/bag. Of which you now carry 3 giant ones, all of which contain essential supplies.

 

You know you're a mom if you judge the quality of a restaurant by how they act when your kid makes a mess on the floor.

 

You know you're a mom if upon noticing a stain or wet patch on your clothing, you no longer ask “hmm, what is that?”

 

You know you're a mom if you realize wanting a baby is the dumbest, craziest, most idiotic, wonderful idea you ever had. (and we want more!)

 

You know you're a mom if you suddenly realize that your husband is no longer the primary person whose inner life is frustratingly mysterious to you.

 

You know you're a mom if your “me time” usually consists of Daddy watching the baby for 30 minutes while you clean up the kitchen.

 

You know you're a mom if you observe that there is apparently some other attractive force in the universe besides gravity, and it emanates from your child’s mouth.

 

You know you're a mom if you realize that, if you are not careful, you and your husband may become one of those freaky old couples who call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy".

 

You know you're a mom if you no longer think that terror and joy are incompatible emotions, as they have become your way of life.

 

You know you're a mom if you show up at church with your very cutely dressed family and you're still wearing your slippers.

 

You know you're a mom if you find yourself locked in the bathroom with a piece of chocolate cake telling your kids "Mommy just needs a minute."

 

You know you're a mom if you have a binky pouch attached to your belt instead of your phone or pda.

 

You know you're a mom when your child has more clothing than you do, and you are proud of that! (she's proud of that)

 

You know you're a mom if you get baby poop on your hands and don't even flinch. Ok. Maybe a little. (I freak out a lot)

 

You know you're a mom when no more fascinating scuba-diving trips matter, but you feel the happiest and have a blast teaching your 6-month old baby how to swim, standing waist deep in the water at the local YMCA pool.

 

You know you're a mom if you have tried at least once to put your husband in time out. (still there....)

 

You know you're a mom if you can recite 10 children's books in the car at a moment's notice. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish... and so much more!!

 

You know you're a mom if you have bandaids, tissues, diapers, and wipes in your glove compartment... OH! and don't forget an extra pair of underwear for those accidents... for the kids, silly... not for YOU!

 

You know you're a mom if you check out other babies' dirty diapers to make sure your baby is normal.

 

You know you're a mom if your charge card statement has replaced the Bloomingdales, Victoria's Secret, and Express charges with Baby Gap, Gymboree, and Babies R Us.

 

You know you're a mom if when out in public the annoying wail piercing the airwaves is actually coming from YOUR kid.

 

You know you're a mom if all the preset stations in your car have been changed to kid-friendly stations, or their nursery rhyme CD has been playing for over 15 minutes without you even noticing.

 

You know you're a mom if all the tasks you do are vocalized in a sing-song way even at work!

 

 

enough for now...

 

Robie

[Amishway Homesteaders]

now THAT was a long list!

But very Funny.

So, just which one did your wife do that made you think?

[themartianchick]

That is a HUGE list! I have resembled most of that at one time or another.

[Jeepers]

Yep, I've done most of those too. Except for the binky ones. Mine was a thumb sucker.