St. Patty's Day!

[ROBIE]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

 

 

 

Paddy was in New York .

 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

 

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

 

'Just water,' says the priest.

 

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

 

 

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

 

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

 

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

Robie

[HazelStone]

How Patton redeems himself the next weekend:

 

A man wakes up home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

 

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table :

Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.

Love you.

 

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.

 

His son is also at the table, eating.

The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

 

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

 

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and also clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

 

His son replies, "Oh that ! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

 

"LADY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME ! I'M MARRIED !"

[snapshotmiki]

Good man!!!!

[ROBIE]

HazleStone,

 

I've seen that befor, and possably posted it here somewhere.... but it still gets a laugh!

 

There's a lesson for all us guys(men) in here somewhere....:frying pan:

 

 

 

Robie

[HazelStone]

HazleStone,

 

I've seen that befor, and possably posted it here somewhere.... but it still gets a laugh!

 

There's a lesson for all us guys(men) in here somewhere....:frying pan:

 

 

 

Robie

 

Yeah it's an old joke but one of my favorites...especially under the subset of jokes Mama won't give me a concussion for repeating.

[Amishway Homesteaders]

still laughing here.