Survival joke

[ROBIE]

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness.

 

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked.

 

Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc.

 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

 

"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster.

 

Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards."

 

"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster inquired.

 

"The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you during the rescue."

 

"And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

 

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

 

 

 

 

 

Robie

 

 

 

[ROBIE]

On a tour of Alaska, a Baptist preacher went to the mountains for some sight seeing. Suddenly there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A Liberal wearing a “I Hate O’Reilly” t-shirt was struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10-foot grizzly.

 

As the preacher watched, horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semi-conscious Liberal from the bear's jaws. Then they threw the bear on the bed of their pickup truck and placed the injured Liberal in the back seat.

 

The preacher said to the loggers, “Bless you for your brave actions! I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and Liberal activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that love overcomes differences.”

 

As the preacher drove off, one of the loggers said, “Was that a Baptist preacher? He has access to all God’s wisdom.”

 

Another logger said, “He may have access to all God’s wisdom but he sure doesn’t know anything about bear hunting... by the way, is the bait holding up OK, or do we need to go back to the ACLU and grab another one?”

 

 

 

Anyone ever play the Milk Dud trick on outdoor newbies?

 

Set up camp. Then walk out in the woods a few yards where no one can see you and make a little pile of Milk Duds on a flat rock.

 

Later announce a little nature walk to identify “animal signs”. After “discovering” the pile of scat... announce that you can tell what kind of animal left it by the taste... and pop one in your mouth. Kids love this one!

 

 

 

 

 

Robie

[CrabGrassAcres]

Yeah, they look like goat berries.

[ROBIE]

I was thinking of using raisonettes and calling them squirrel scat.

 

Pop a few in my mouth when the kids are watching and watch how many shades of green they get.

 

 

 

Robie

[Cat]

DH's co-workers did that to their secretary (an older lady) some years back.

 

She kept complaining that the mice were "having a party" on her desk, where she would eat snacks, and at night they'd find the crumbs. And leave their *own* "crumbs".

 

So one morning before she came in, one of the guys wiped off her desk and poured out some chocolate sprinkles so it looked like mouse droppings. Predictably, she had a fit.

 

He walked over, wet a finger and tasted a few. "YUP, it's a mouse!"

 

They thought she was going to faint.

 

And when she knew what he did, he had to RUN!!! :frying pan:

 

 

:24:

[Amishway Homesteaders]

cool!

to tired to type anything else!

 

Oh wait....................

I just did?