Guest Guest Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 and if I say these things out loud, I may just fall apart. I actually wonder if I can even write any of this in a sane, cohesive manner. Some of you may remember that I have one son, by birth, and my only grandson is the child that we are raising, so in a sense, he is our second son. My son, Shannon, celebrated his 32nd. birthday on May 13. At least I hope he had some sort of celebration. I wouldn't know, for sure, as he rarely makes contact with us. Shannon is bi-polar, and was finally diagnosed after getting into a lot of trouble as a teenager. He's been re-evaluated and given medication many times, but he always said he hates the way the meds make him feel, and he ends up getting into trouble again. He self-medicates, meaning he uses illegal drugs to cope with his disease. I've never understood that type of addiction, or why people can't just stop. Once, he told me that if I could see the things that go on in his head, it would scare me to death. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, but who knows? Maybe he's right. I spent years feeling guilty, as though it was my fault somehow, and I didn't know how to help him. I finally reached a point where I had to learn to protect myself, emotionally and financially, because I'd helped him so many times, and been burned so many times, I felt like it was killing me. Nothing I ever did seemed to really do any good, and I often wondered if I could finally say no and stick with it. Almost a year ago, I did it. After not hearing from him for more than a year, he called. He actually had to get the operator to call me and give me a number where I could call him, because my number is unlisted and unpublished, and they will only give it to emergency services. He couldn't remember it on his own. I told him I loved him, and I wished him well, and that I would pray for him, but if he was calling to ask me to help him again, that I couldn't and wouldn't. I remembered that he had once told me that God had given me Christian (our grandson), to make up for all that he had done wrong and for him being such a lousy son. It breaks my heart every time I think of it. After I said I couldn't help him, he stopped calling again. He lives in Arizona and we live in Oregon. I think of him often, and I pray for him all the time. He is my firstborn, and he had so much promise, it is painful to think about the path he chose, and the things he's done. He was tall, handsome, intelligent and charming, with a beautiful smile, and a soft, deep voice. He writes incredible poetry, he has a really good singing voice, and is gifted as an artist. Yet, he's ruined his life with illegal drugs, and always looking for a way to circumvent the laws and rules of society. If he had ever put half as much energy into something good, he could have changed the world. Because I knew of his enormous potential, I always prayed that God would touch him in a way that would make him turn his life around, and be the man I always thought he could become. I also prayed that he would stay safe. I got a phone call this morning, from the operator. She said she had an urgent message from my son. I've been waiting for that phone call for a while now, and I've been dreading it. As much as I knew I didn't want to make the return call, I wasn't the least bit prepared for what I was told. My son had a disagreement with his roomate, and was shot. He is paralyzed from the waist down. It is unlikely that he will ever walk again. As he was telling me this, my mind was racing. I wanted to scream, then I wanted to wake up from a horrible nightmare. Then I felt something inside me go numb. I took a deep breath and held in the pain that was threatening to errupt in great, wracking sobs. I asked for his doctor's name, and then I spoke to his nurse. I wanted her to tell me that he was overreacting, that it was temporary, that he would walk again. She didn't. Though she did suggest the possibility of a miracle. As I write this, it seems so strange and unfamiliar to me, as though it's really not true, and I'm writing some fictional story about a really bad nightmare. I know it's true though, because my chest hurts, and you don't feel pain in nightmares. I can't say anything because I think if I speak, I'll become hysterical, and I'm supposed to be the strong one in this family. Aside from all the work I should have done today, and still need to do, I also need to call my oldest DD, and talk to a few other family members. I have to stay calm, so that they won't be too upset. I have to be able to find the bright side of this, and be able to offer some note of solace. I have to take a deep breath, and listen to my daughter cry, and see the pain in my husband's face, and give them a sense of hope. Then I have to call my son back, and never let him hear me cry. I just read what I have written so far, and it sounds like I'm trying to be a martyr, or to make this about me. It isn't, and I'm not. My entire adult life, I've been labeled 'the strong one', and the rest of my family has always leaned on my in times of trouble. My little sister once called me a rock. It was in the last letter she wrote before she was murdered. I can't let her down, even now, and it's been 27 years. I'm sorry for rambling like this. I guess I could delete it and walk away, but I won't. I told my youngest daughter this morning that I hoped that we could all learn a lesson from this, and take more responsibility for our actions, and to realize that there are consequences for the things we do, especially when we know them to be wrong. I always asked God to touch my son, so that he would become a better man. Maybe this is the way for that to happen, I don't know. When my daughter talked to him, she said he was really upbeat, and that he planned to become a 'Handi-man', and act as an advocate for the handicapped. I asked him this morning if he was back on drugs, hoping that he was exaggerating the extent of his injuries. He said, "Not anymore." I guess this is his 'rock bottom'. I'm havnig a hard time envisioning my son in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I keep seeing him lean (he is 6' 5" tall) on my shoulder, as he tells me that short people are for leaning on. He always laughed, and I always smacked him for it. It was our personal joke, 'cause he couldn't let anyone know he wanted a hug from his mom. It's harder for me to think of all the things he'll never have the chance to experience again, if ever. I thank God he's alive, because from what I was told, he almost died. I just don't know what to do next, or what to think, or what to say. I guess I'll just suck it up and square my shoulders, and keep moving forward. Unfortunately, I can't afford to go see him, as time and money just won't allow for it. Maybe that is actually a blessing in disguise... I don't know that I could look at him and keep it together. And if I can't help him, I sure don't want to impede his progress. Impede... a poor choice of words, yet I can't seem to find a decent substitute. Maybe I need to work on that, too. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Oh Nana, I am so sorry. I wish I could come up with the perfect words to help but I really don't think there are any. This is one of those horrible things in life that you, your family and friends will have to deal with. Please accept my love and prayers for all of you! One thing though, even though you are tough, PLEASE accept comfort from your family and friends and, as hard as it is to remember, sometimes crying is a good release. Come here and tell us whatever you want whenever you want to. We'll be here for you my friend!!!! Quote Link to comment
gardnmom Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Oh Nana, it is tough to be "the strong one" believe me when I say that you can draw strength from those you love. I wish I could just reach out and hug you. Just know that we as parents try to do the best we can for our children, sometimes that means walking away and allowing them to learn the hard way. It is often more painful for us than for them. May our Father help you through this. ((((Nana and family)))) Quote Link to comment
Synn Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 No words could express how we all feel for you right now.. So I will just leave you with a hug.... {{{{{{{{Nana}}}}}}}} Quote Link to comment
Linda Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 oh,dear Nana .... glad you came here to share your pain. Please know we are here for you I will be praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment
Becca_Anne Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Nana, I am sooooo sorry. Lisa Quote Link to comment
logcabinmama Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Oh Nana, I am so sorry about all of this. Please let the tears come as they will do more harm to you if you don't. You are strong, but even the strong have a breaking point. Quote Link to comment
redhenfarm Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Nana, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this and this has happened to your son. I will be praying. Have you ever been in contact with NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill)? They have classes for families of the mentally ill called Family to Family that were extremely helpful to us in learning about/trying to understand my bil's schizophrenia. It's helpful seeing other families going through similar things. There are also support groups but the Family to Family was particularly helpful to us. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Oh Nanna I am so sorry about all of this. What a burden to bare all these years. As bad as this seems to you, this may not be as terrible as it seems. Do you remember my neighbor, the young man lost in the woods last winter? He was a lost boy in many ways too, his ordeal and the amputation of his legs has brought him a new focus. I really don't think he would have ever changed in such positive ways that he has if he had not been lost in the snow all those days. Maybe... Possibly... this might be the turning point that your son needed. I don't know but I will sure pray that it is. God bless you and your family through out all of this. God's strength to you and God's peace to get the rest you will need. Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted July 28, 2004 Share Posted July 28, 2004 Nana, I just don't know what to say, except that my prayers are with you and your family. As Joan said, perhaps this was your son's wake-up call. Sometimes "He" works in ways that we don't understand. Mare Quote Link to comment
Guest Guest Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Nanapop I understand better than most what you are going through. Our son is disabled both mentally and physically and we are grateful he can be on his own as of now, but he is deteriorating always. Please please know you can come here and say anything and we will understand and pray for you and your son. As you say this may be God's way of helping him even though it is a difficult time. Give yourself hugs and quiet times as you are able. Sending prayers and love your way. Quote Link to comment
Judy Moist Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Nanapop, this is what friends are for, when you have something troubling you,you can always count on true friends. We are all here for you and pray for you..... don't ever be ashamed or afraid of putting your feelings down in words. Quote Link to comment
Linda Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Nana .. how are you holding up?? how are things going?? hear anymore of your son?? still praying for you and yours. Know that we are here for you. Quote Link to comment
Homesteader Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Nana, how is your son doing? Please keep us updated when you hear more news. Quote Link to comment
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