This feels kinda wierd...

[Guest Guest]

It seems like forever since I've feel the need to *write*...

 

I have a million thoughts going through my mind, but I thought perhaps I'd just start to express them here in this post...they say that writing something down gives one a clarity that is not achievable when confined to just our mind...

 

I have been in a very deep and contemplative *mood* for over a week now...circumstances in life have brought me to this point, I guess. I don't feel it's a bad thing, in fact, I think it might end up being a good thing...regardless, all I know is that it's been a long times since I've felt the need to express myself.

 

For a couple of years now here at MrsS, I was unable to find the ability to write anything like I usta write. As time had gone on, I guess I had built up such a wall around myself, for whatever reasons, that even *I* couldn't breach that fortress. When a series of events had culminated in my *shutting down* within myself here, I went elsewheres to be to a certain extent, how I had been here, at least with my writings.

 

Now bear in mind that I am NOT a writer. But I did find a release in just writing from the heart...thus the name of this particular forum. When I first came to MrsS years and years ago, this was my first forum, and it was important to me, and I spent alot of time sharing thoughts and feelings I had about myself and others that I cared about. Well, when I felt the need outta hurt and bewilderment (and perhaps it wasn't a need, it had a life of its own that even I couldn't get past) to climb inner and hide, and when I tried to then take this desire I had to share with others, to a different forum, within a short period of time I found myself in an online *war*...

 

I dunno if I'll ever understand why it ended up there like that, as I can only guess and take stabs in the dark. Suffice it to say that it did, and for the longest time, I didn't CARE if a few of the minority didn't want to see me post, I didn't care what they thought and over time, I built another layer over this shell I first started here at MrsS. It eventually got to the point where I couldn't find the energy or desire to share even there and so I became silent.

 

Silence is not a normal routine for me. I'm quick on my feet, I type ridiculously fast, I have a comeback for everything (whether it be good bad or indifferent), and to find myself evolving over the past few years where I didn't feel the desire to *share* anywhere was very strange for me.

 

While there are many that really don't know me at all here, there ARE some that know me well, and others that know me QUITE well. Many that know me have reached out countless times, with that preverbial *cup of cold water*, but while I tried to drink from their offered cup, it felt like the water never was able to get past my lips.

 

It's funny how when you least expect it, somewhere outta the blue something will be said, some hand will be extended, and in His perfect timing, that downward spiral will start to slow down, and begin to every so slowlyyyyyyyyyyy move forward. I'm a firm believer that some are called at times to plant, others are called at times to water, and once in a great while, we're blessed to be called to reap the fruits of His labors in a person's life. The planting, watering and reaping are of equal importance to me...one without the other produces nothing.

 

That's what recently has transpired for me...in one of my darkest valleys a little light gleamed...it was so small that I almost missed it in my busyness with the days. But I stopped for a moment to acknowledge that light, because of my feeling that the light, itself, was very timid and fragile itself. I wanted to lets that light know that I saw them, in an effort to validate them and their effort, but little did I realize there timidity was actually courage in disguise and their fragility was actually strength.

 

I suddenly stopped my running and started to look around, and lemme tell you, it was and is and has NOT been any fun. At times I fear to allow the tears to start cause they seem to be so powerfully built up inside of me, that even *I* am afraid to witness their release. And sometimes, I do begin to let it go and that peace that passes all understanding suddenly begins to flow over me and the tears are miraculously dried up and I feel no need to cry.

 

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. Well, in some ways I guess...the core of me will always be what it is cause that was who I was created to be. But last night, for the first time in a longgggggggggggggg time, I felt the need to share from the heart on a forum that I've never written on before. I wasn't there for me, I was there to express that I had just been where they are presently, just a short week ago. The responses to that post have been very heart warming, and I found myself hanging around MrsS all day, wanting to write, not knowing what to say, or where to put it. Several times in writing what I just have here, I thought to myself, "perhaps I should put this over in the Moderator's forum...perhaps I shouldn't talk like this out in public where much can be misunderstood or misconstrued by those that don't really know me...perhaps I shouldn't write this at all cause maybe there are some that are upset with me....on and on and on..."

 

The final thought was, "nope, put it here...this is where you began...in the past you just did what you did, cause that was you"...so I decided to be like I usta be, and just ramble on here in plain sight.

 

I'm not gonna proof read this, I'm not gonna edit this, I've just written as thoughts struck my mind. I'll apologize in advance if it doesn't flow, or if it doesn't make sense. Perhaps this will be a momentary lapse of sanity *smile* and I'll feel the need to be quiet for a while longer, or maybe not. Time will tell for sure.

 

I just know that there will be some that will understand what I'm trying to say.

 

And for those that don't know me at all...

 

Hello, my name is Darlene...nice to meet ya.

 

<------------ that's ME!

 

*smile*

 

Thanks for listening to anyone that bothers to read this...lol

 

[Synn]

Darlene, Hi and nice to meet you. I am Dawn. And I say RAMBLE on............. LOL. And by the way I totally understood what you said..

 

 

[gardnmom]

Welcome home, Darlene.....

[Becca_Anne]

Wow!!

 

I understand also............

 

 

mommafitz

[ozzzyyy]

You are loved much!

[Guest Guest]

[HapyGirl]

[Lois]

Hiya "BOSS" Like you my life has taken such crazy turns and so many ups and downs that I dont post much anymore.... There's times it's all I can do just to get thru the day, one day at a time. But things are looking better in alot of ways and not so much better in others.

 

Just keep on hopeing and praying and take your time Dar.... sometimes it just takes longer to put our selves back together again when we've been hurt deep down inside. Luva ya Twi

[Necie]

I’m feeling the same *weird* lately. I’ll get there.

But beware... when the rambling begins, y’all be hollering at me— SHADDUP!! 
 

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