We finally have a name for it!

[Guest Guest]

Please tell me, does any of this EVER get better??????

 

I have been pretty quiet because we have been dealing with SRPS (Spoiled Rotten Princess Syndrome) again!

 

It just keeps getting worse, not better.

 

And to top it off, today the kid's counselor (of 3 years mind you!) puts a label on our problem with the kid. She has known for 3 years! She has made us feel like failures as parents. Made us believe we have no parenting skills, told us we have to pussy foot around her and NOT do or say anything to AGRIVATE HER!

 

So here we are 3 years later and this behavior has steadily escalated and getting to be more than we can handle. The Department of Social Security did a "Brief" psychological evaluation on her and told us there was nothing wrong with her.

 

NOTHING WRONG WITH HER???????????????

 

At age 12 she deliberately plotted, planned out and slowly killed most of our farm animals because she was angry at me and wanted to hurt me and knew that would not only hurt me but get an instant rise out of me. Than when I told DH and his Mother that she was deliberately doing this stuff to me........ Na, she is just a normal teenager but I wouldn't know that because I never gave birth to any children of my own. It did not matter that I worked several years as a professional live in nanny, or that I helped raise other's children, all problem children!

 

Now we have a label! It is Passive/Aggressive and it comes with a complete description of our daughter.

 

Three years of all this garbage we have been through and no one would tell us. They just would make us feel helpless, alone and complete failures as parents. I could say more but won't, I am so angry!

 

SD is 16 and we have 2 years left to get a guardianship on her before she is released into the world to reek her havoc and kayos.

 

Here is what I have found so far on this disorder.

 

Today she cost us almost all of our farm animals. This is her favorite target. We lost so much today that I can not even talk about it.

 

DH told her he thought she needed some help, some better counseling and she told him there was nothing wrong with her, it was all me sticking my nose into her business, trying to run her life.

 

The laws here state that she has to volunteer. Well, we just told her, volunteer, or we will put you into a home where they are used to dealing with kids like her.

 

Three years wasted, when we could have gotten her some real help!

 

Here is what I have found out so far…………

 

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Q. What is passive-aggressive behavior and how do you treat it? Is it actually a personality disorder?

A. The term passive-aggressive, when used to describe a defense mechanism, refers to indirect resistance to authority, responsibility and obligations. Associated symptoms include complaining, irritability when faced with demands, and general discontent. Anger is usually expressed indirectly via resistance, delays, losing things, procrastination and sabotaging one's own efforts or those of others. In theory, the individual does not intentionally set out to irritate others or to oppose authority, in the manner, say, of a rebellious teenager. Rather, the P-A individual unconsciously acts out his or her anger in the manner described.

In past manuals of psychiatric disorders, such as DSM-III, passive-aggressive personality disorder was an official diagnosis. In DSM-IV, it was downgraded to a condition requiring further study, probably because the P-A patterns of behavior can be seen in so many other disorders, such as borderline and dependent personality disorders. The treatment of any of the personality disorders is quite difficult, since there is usually little motivation on the patient's part. For details, I would refer you to Treating Personality Disorders, edited by David Adler, New Directions for Mental Health, 1990.

 

In Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Aaron T. Beck, Arthur Freeman, and associates (1990) list typical beliefs associated with each specific personality disorder. Here are the typical beliefs that they have listed (pg. 360) for Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder:

· I am self-sufficient, but I do need others to help me reach my goals.

· The only way I can preserve my self-respect is by asserting myself indirectly—for example, by not carrying out instructions exactly.

· I like to be attached to people but I am unwilling to pay the price of being dominated.

· Authority figures tend to be intrusive, demanding, interfering, and controlling.

· I have to resist the domination of authorities but at the same time maintain their approval and acceptance.

· Being controlled or dominated by others is intolerable.

· Making deadlines, complying with demands, and conforming are direct blows to my pride and self-sufficiency.

· If I follow the rules the way people expect, it will inhibit my freedom of action.

· It is best not to express my anger directly but to show my displeasure by not conforming.

· I know what's best for me and other people shouldn't tell me what to do.

· Rules are arbitrary and stifle me.

· Other people are often too demanding.

· If I regard people as too bossy, I have a right to disregard their demands.

 

 

 

 

http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

 

http://ici2.umn.edu/preschoolbehavior/tip_sheets/passagg.htm

 

Medical Encyclopedia: Passive-aggressive personality disorder

URL of this page: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000943.htm

Alternative names

Personality disorder - passive-aggressive

Definition

Passive aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to acquiesce to the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them and becomes increasingly hostile and angry.

Note: psychiatrists no longer recognize this condition as an official diagnosis; however, the symptoms are problematic to many people and may be helped by professional attention, so we include it here.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes are unknown, but, like most personality disorders, a combination of genetic and environmental factors are probably responsible.

Symptoms

People with this disorder resent responsibility and show it through their behaviors rather than by open expression of their feelings. Procrastination, inefficiency, and forgetfulness are behaviors commonly used to avoid doing what they need to do or have been told by others must be done.

A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another's wishes, and may even say that he wants to do what he has agreed to do, but the requested action is either performed too late to be helpful, performed in a way that is useless, or otherwise sabotaged to express anger about compliance that isn't related verbally.

Signs and tests

Personality disorders are diagnosed by psychological evaluation and a careful history of the extent and time course of the symptoms. Some of the common signs of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:

· Procrastination

· Intentional inefficiency

· Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness

· Complaining

· Blaming others

· Resentment

· Sullenness

· Does not express hostility or anger openly

· Fears authority

· Resists suggestions from others

Treatment

Counseling may be of value in helping the person identify and change the behavior.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outcome can be good with treatment.

Complications

· Stunted career development despite good intelligence

· Alcohol abuse or other drug abuse or dependence

Calling your health care provider

Call your health care provider if you or your child has symptoms suggestive of passive-aggressive personality disorder.

 

 

 

 

http://hometown.aol.com/elrophe/PassiveAgg...veBehavior.html

 

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/papd.htm

 

Hill

 

[Judy Moist]

Hill, dear friend, I don't know what to say. But it may be worth checking into sending her somewhere, that she could get professional help. Before she takes her anger and aggression out on someone other than the animals.

 

But Please, Hill remember your friends are here for you, when you need to talk call on us, we are here...

[Synn]

My Word.... That- just described my son to an almost T!!! Only they tell me it's A.D.D.

Except I don't feel he's coniving. I don't think he would plot to kill our animals just to hurt me. But I have seen him get mad and kick what ever is nearest. Whether is be a chicken or the vaccum.

Hill I feel for what your going through, I honestly do.

 

 

[Guest Guest]

Oh Hill, my heart aches for you - we have been where you are and our son is now 40 (last week) and we are still dealing with it. Always when we have sought help for him we were told what bad parents we were, had one psychiatrist tell me that I was the most controlling woman he had ever met. As you already know you take this to heart whether it is actually true of you or not and it hurts big time! It sounds as though your daughter is adopted as is our son and we love him, but right now I am going through counseling to try to find better ways of dealing with him - he hates my husband, never has liked or obeyed him, tells people that my DH abused him and on and on. Tomorrow I see the counselor and show her the letter to our son that she told me I needed to write telling him we would give him his autonomy by withdrawing gradually our gift of grocery money to him, help him find a place to live in another town etc etc. The only thing we have to go on is he is "a very sick man" from his psychiatrist, but of course the privacy laws (at least in this state) will not allow the man to talk to me to get background on our son and offer help to us.....strange times we live in and I will certainly pray for you and your daughter actually have to admit I am a bit afraid of the rage I know is going to come with the delivery of this letter - don't think he would hurt me, but not sure: Isn't that the pits!

[Judy Moist]

This is something that really ticks me off, the psychiatrists are always so quick to say that the mother is always to blame. It is a quick easy diagnosis to whatever, for them the so called professional. No matter what is going on with your daughter, adopted or not, it is not your fault. Sometimes it can be something such as chemical imbalance in the child. Remember it is not your fault you are doing all you can, and remember your friends are here for you..

[Guest Guest]

 

The counselor told me I should choose my battles and when she (the SD) did her little things to get my attention (Negative) I needed to just ignore her. Well I

tried...... But when she no longer got the attention (aggravation), she escalated big time. Did her little things non-stop for a whole week and finally DH told me to quit ignoring her so the house could settle back down again.

 

Choosing my battles has never been an option for me. I have been at her mercy of her form of abuse for over 3 years. Nothing has worked. It has only gotten steadilly worse and a lot more suttle about it.

 

Three weeks ago DH told me it was over. We fought for 4 days. He was taking his kid and moving out because it was obvious to him that his kid and I can not get along or live together in the same house. So since she was a kid, and needed a parent, he was leaving me.

 

I was so angry I told him not to delay, get out now. I had enough, I have given every thing I have had to give and if that was not enough for him than don't drag this out, just pack your stuff and get out now. Than I told him, despite it all, I do love you and that will never change, no matter what, but I can not and will not live like this anymore. I want a marriage but I don't want a marriage with a kid who calls the shots and tells us if we can stay married or not. Also said it is really sad to know that two people who really love each other can never be together because of a 16 year old kid that has descided we can't.

 

By that time, I was busy packing and told him since he was not leaving tonight I was and I would not be back until he and his child are gone. Well when I told him I still loved him and he could not stop me from loving him, he stopped his anger towards me and told me to come to bed (it was 2 am). I told him I am not his puppet on a string and I won't jump when he demands it. Now if I was asked instead of

told, my response might be different and even being asked, there needed to be more than just asking me to come to bed. Things are not going to be just ignored here. You was going to throw all of what we have away for a kid who does nothing but make our lives miserable and divorce me who has done nothing wrong and tried with everything I had to

make things work and help your child, where most women would have thrown you both out a long time ago.

 

So he finally said to me..... Would you please come to bed, it is obvious to me that my child has a problem and I need your help with her, I can't do it on my own. I even made him apologize to me. Than I told him, I have had enough, I will not live like this, if you ever take this all out on me again, we are through, I love you and want to stay married to you but I would rather live life lonely than live like this.

 

I told him he needs to quit taking a ride through life and start living it. He is a pastor, and so am I. Yet he is not running his household, he is forcing me to do it. He is not praying with us, he is not taking us to church, he is not being a Father to his child, he is not being a husband to me and is not being a child to God.

 

I asked him what happened to him, you are not the man I met and married, what happened to that man. You were never dependant on me or anyone for anything, but now you are dependant on me for everything.

 

Well he opened his eyes to a lot that night and he is working hard to be the person he used to be and the person God has asked him to be. He told the kid to straighten up her act because he was not going to allow her to abuse, ignore or hurt me any more. (As always she ignores what she is told.)

 

Well.... No matter what you say or do, the kid has to have control and has to strike out at me and reek havoc in her path to hurt me. I am always her target. The animals are always her favorite tool because she knows it will without a doubt get a quick response out of me. We have overseen things here, and watched her like a hawk. We have made

her personally give away her favorite animals to places where she could never see them again so she would learn there was consequences for her bad behavior.

 

With the animals she settled down because we have (had) a dog here that she dearly loved. She knew if she messed up, she would have to give that dog away. It was (WAS) working in the area of the animals. Or so we thought.

 

Well Yesturday, most of our animals died and we had to shoot the dogs to stop the killing spree. There is one dog left here and she is alive still only because she has puppies to take care of. She is chained where she

can harm nothing and when she is no longer needed to keep her puppies alive, she will be put to sleep also. Her puppies will be sold and that will be the end of it all.

 

Three beautiful dogs, gone! Almost all our birds are gone, and the ones I worked for over 3 years to get established here, and finally did…… There are only 3 alive and we are not sure if there is a male amongst them. All for no reason accept a belligerent child that knew just how to hurt me and did it. I am just numb and so angry that I can't even cry at this point.

 

Everything I have ever cared about except my husband has been taken from me and destroyed at the hands of this child. What is next? What is she going to destroy next? What do I have left for her to take and, or destroy? I am her target, have been and unless she gets help, always will be. Unless DH and I divorce and he finds another woman,

than the new woman in his life will be the new target.

 

Sorry for the whining. I have reached the point a long time ago that talking and crying doesn't do any good, it never helps or changes a thing.

 

I either have to divorce my husband or be her victim. I love my husband with all my heart and can not bring myself to divorce him, but none of this insanity will stop until I do.

 

[ozzzyyy]

(((((((Hill))))))))

 

Your family is in my prayers. Keep talking, sweetie, we are listening!

 

Love you.....

[gardnmom]

(((((Hillbillie)))))

[Guest Guest]

SD told me tonight that if I don't leave her alone that one day soon she is going to blow and it isn't going to be pretty.

[Guest Guest]

The killing of animals is illegal. You do not have to put up with this. Don't shield her from the logical consequences of her actions. Turn her over to the authorities and then she might get the help she needs.

 

 

 

 

[Linda]

good luck ... you are in my prayers...

[Guest Guest]

I have been up all night thinking and a little afraid to sleep. I no longer feel safe here with her.

 

I pray that I am making the right choices for all of us and that God will help me when I tell my husband toady what I am going to do.

 

I know we can not keep going on this way and I feel she is getting quickly worse. I also feel she could do something and with the ways she does things; it will happen and be done without warning.

 

I am going to tell my husband today that I love him with all my heart but I don't feel safe and I don't feel I can live with this situation as it is right now.

 

I will be here and with him while she is in school. I will work with him while we work. But at night and when she is here, I will be staying either in a safe home or in a homeless shelter.

 

She needs help, and more help than we can give her. She also will not get better (I don't believe) as long as the two of us live under the same roof.

 

I don't know why I feel this way, but it has been my fear for sometime that we would come home to a yard full of fire trucks and my home burned down to the ground. That has been in the back of my mind since the time she called the ambulance.

 

My husband will threaten all day long but will not take action until he is forced to. I don't want to force him to. I don't want a divorce, so this is the only way that I can think of to keep my marriage (if we do stay married after I tell him.), and get DH to make a choice that hopefully will help her and not drive us apart because I forced that choice on him.

 

Please keep us in your prayers as we discuss and face this transition.

 

Thank you!

 

Hill

 

[ozzzyyy]

((((((Hill)))))))) Praying for intervention; Dh to see, DD to be made well and most of all peace and security for you! Take care!

[Synn]

Oh Hill!! My heart is hurting so much for you right now. Please know that we all feel a great deal for you. You must do what you feel is best for yourself and your dh. I am praying for you both. Stay strong and please let us know how things are very soon.

God Bless,

Buttercup

[jtracy]

to you and your family that things can be worked out so that you feel safe, your marriage grows stronger from this, and sd gets the help she needs.

[Homesteader]

Listen to that voice in the back of your mind that is warning you. At this point it sounds like you must protect yourself first.

[Linda]

I strongly agree with Mono ...

you can't help anyone if you are not able...

 

[HapyGirl]

:bighug I'm so sorry it has come to this. You must be sure you are safe, and it sounds like you don't have much choice at this point. You need to document her threats against you and make sure her therapist knows what is going on.

[Guest Guest]

Dear Hill, please listen to your heart and your instincts. I know it is hard, but you need to be safe and it doesn't sound as though that is possible right now. Can you try to have witnesses to your SD's behavior? Any way to document her actions? I was told to do this, but our son is so paranoid have to hide things (even though he does not live with us) as he has an uncanny way of "knowing" what we are doing which is un-nerving to say the least. Anyhow PLEASE take care of yourself and protect yourself. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

[Synn]

Has anyone heard from Hill? I am worried for her..

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone,

 

I want to thank you ALL for your prayers and support; it has been so wonderful to know that so many people care so deeply. Something I am not used to but give me a warm fuzzy feeling if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

Hill

 

[redhenfarm]

Hill: Adding my hugs

[rockncook]

Hil,

 

Just a quick note to let you know I"m thinking about you and praying for you.

[Synn]

Thank you Hill for letting us know how you were. I will continue to pray for you.

[Judy Moist]

HIL: You remain in our thoughts and prayers....