cookiejar Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 Classics but fun.... Actually Said in Court From Disorder in the American Courts: Actual quotes from courtroom transcripts ATTORNEY... Are you sexually active? WITNESS... No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY... What is your date of birth? WITNESS... July 18th. ATTORNEY... What year? WITNESS... Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS... Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY... And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS... I forget. ATTORNEY... You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS... Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY... How long has he lived with you? WITNESS... Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY... What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS... He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY... And why did that upset you? WITNESS... My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS... We both do. ATTORNEY... Voodoo? WITNESS... We do. ATTORNEY... You do? WITNESS... Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS... Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY... The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS... Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY... Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS... Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS... Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... She had three children, right? WITNESS... Yes. ATTORNEY... How many were boys? WITNESS... None. ATTORNEY... Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS.... By death. ATTORNEY... And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Can you describe the individual? WITNESS... He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY... Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS... No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS... All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS... Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS... The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY... And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS... No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _______________________________________ ATTORNEY... Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS... Huh? ______________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY... Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... Did you check for breathing? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS... No. ATTORNEY... How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS.... Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY.... But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS... Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Link to comment
Amishway Homesteaders Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 way to funny - NO DRINKING while reading the above. . . . . to late! Link to comment
Nett Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 Stop...Stopp...can...not..bre..athe....HELP! Link to comment
Amishway Homesteaders Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 HELP! she's fallen and can't get up! does anybody know the number for 911? Link to comment
Nett Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 The sad thing is in today's world someone would really ask for the number for 911! Link to comment
MountainMommy Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Loved the last one. Loved them all, actually! heheheh Link to comment
WiccadStargazer Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Originally Posted By: Amishway Homesteaders HELP! she's fallen and can't get up! does anybody know the number for 911? I only know part of the #, sorry...I can't find the 11! My phone only has single digits! Link to comment
Amber Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 OMG, Cookie, these had me laughing so hard I had tears to try and read through. Too funny. Amber Link to comment
MountainMommy Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 Originally Posted By: WiccadStargazer I can't find the 11! My phone only has single digits! Link to comment
Amishway Homesteaders Posted April 13, 2007 Share Posted April 13, 2007 this WAS funny then . . . Had a friend that got into trouble for bouncing checks and she had to go before the Judge. WEll he fined her $$$ for doing it and also she had to pay back $$$ to the bank. She gets all done and pays the fines with 2 checks. as she was walking out I asked where she got the money from as I had offered but she said no need. She just said no problem I bouced them! I can't believe the Judge let her even pay with a check? Link to comment
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