Unique loss situation, need help

[MommyofSeven]

Little background info...

 

My apartment complex has 18 units, 3 to a building in our section. We are fairly close knit, running in and out of each other's apartments at will. It's nothing for me to have 10 neighbors' kids for dinner one night, and to have none but Roan for dinner the next.

 

My newest neighbor lives in my building, at the other end. Her DH and my DH are on the FD together so we became friends pretty quickly. We have very similar backgrounds and are now both fairly traditional wives. We discovered we were pregnant at about the same time, she about two weeks further along than I. We've rejoiced in being pregnant together, an experience neither of us had shared with anyone close by. We compare notes and doc visits, and discomforts and the hopefulness, all that come with pregnancy. I gave her a hard time because she looked beautifully roundly pregnant and I just look fat.

 

On Friday she went to her appt and I don't know the specifics, but they lost the baby. They even had to induce labor (which, in my mind, is one of the worst things a mother can experience). I just found out tonight. I hadn't seen her for a few days but she's had to work cause her DH is injured and can't, so I figured that was why.

 

I feel so badly for her, not only for the loss of the baby, but because for the whole time we live near each other, I and my baby will be a constant reminder for her of this painful time.

 

I don't know what to do or say, because I'm sure that right now I am the last person she wants to see. I want to reach out to her but I do not in any way want to cause her further pain.

 

I know one thing I can do is pray for her and ask you to do the same. That I will be doing.

 

But is there anything else I can do to comfort her? Please help.

 

Mo7

[Cat]

I had a woman at church who was due around the same time I was, and I lost mine at around 3 months. I WANTED that baby, but it had stopped developing at 2 weeks, and it just wasn't to be. I still think of mine when I see her 13-year-old, but I'm happy for her, and glad such pain didn't hurt her, too.

 

Don't stay away... as much as you are a reminder, you are also a loving support.

 

With time, she will delight in your child, and while she wistfully thinks of how *hers* would have been, she will be glad yours survived.

 

Be a loving friend, and help her through it as best you can. Ask her what you can do.

 

 

[SueC]

As Cat said, be there for her. I was the one who had a surviving pregnancy, while a friend lost hers. It actually will help her to see your bub grow. Also, you are on the spot, and can walk with her through the grief. Please be the friend that stays around. So many will say they are sorry, and not knowing what else to do will leave her alone. She needs someone to be there for her.

 

Sue

 

Sue

[gimmeaminute]

My sister and I were pregnant at the same time, both of us with our last child. Mine didn't make it and I was devasted. At first I didn't want to be around her baby, it hurt too bad. But she didn't stay away and was very supportive. Today, that child is a beautiful youg woman of 27 and I enjoy her tremendously. Don't stay away, you'll both lose if you do.

 

blessings: gimmeaminute

[MommyofSeven]

Just quickly, talked to her the other day, you all were so completely right. Offered her our support and prayers. Thank you so much for helping me to handle this delicate situation!

 

Mo7

[mrsrustyrooster]

Don't stay away. Yes, it will be painful for her, but she will need a friend.

 

I spent many years trying to get pregnant. The whole gamut, fertility drugs, surgeries, shots, pills, temp every morning, charts.

 

I was constantly in a depression because nothing was working. I was envious of all my friends who were having babies, but I still supported them. I bought baby clothes for showers, oohed and ahhed. There was always a sadness and a sense of loss for me.

 

It was very hard for me sometimes. I was having miscarriages, friends were having successful pregnancies.

 

It is not going to be easy for her to see you. She will need to mourn. I think you are a sweetheart and thoughtful and she will need your friendship.

[Jennysmama]

Mrsrustyrooster--I've been through the same thing you're talking about,and it was hard. The whole world seemed oriented to families and we spent 16½ years dealing with infertility. But I still supported my friends and loved ones who got pregnant and was supportive of them. I learned to separate my grief from my happiness for them.

 

MommyofSeven, you can acknowledge to your friend that you know your pregnancy must be painful for her now, in light of her situation, but let her know that you're still there for her and let her set the pace for your friendship for now. There were times when my infertility became overwhelming and I had to withdraw a bit from pregnant friends and those with new babies--Mother's Day was especially hard for me some years. But it wasn't that I felt resentful of my fertile friends--I was just protecting myself a little. I pray your friend will be okay and will not push you away in her grief.

[MommyofSeven]

Here's a further update now that I have a little more time...

 

Thursday I went over to see if the laundry room is open. She was there in her car, obviously doing laundry, so I made a beeline to the apartment manager's office. I had decided to approach her, but for her, sitting in her car doing laundry, probably not the best time. Talked to apt manager for awhile, then left, and several of our town strays (whole other story) were outside wanting to play, so I played with them and she saw me, smiled and waved. I took a deep breath and headed over.

 

We talked for about 15 minutes, she told me yes, it did hurt to see me, and probably would, but that she couldn't just stop living her life. I think she's taking it better than I would be. We chatted for awhile, didn't get too deep, and I told her to please, if she needed anything, to let me know. Also told her to go get my DH when she's doing laundry-shes on work restriction and can't lift, and apparently her DH doesn't know how to carry a laundry basket with one hand (don't get me started there) since his other one is injured.

 

They are having a service for him today. They named him Seamus. She came over yesterday, I think she needed to talk but I had a sick kidlet at home so she kind of backed off on that. She showed me a beautiful watercolor she'd done for him. Kind of hard in water colors, but you could see two hands holding a tiny "something" and then a pretty blue background. I thought it was wonderful.

 

I told her that if they were up to it, they were welcome to come to Roan's birthday party, but we'd completely understand if they didn't come. Also said to send her two older girls over if she needed to.

 

I have a card I am going to hopefully get done and bring over today. Other than that, I will let her take things at her own pace. So she has not pushed me away. She knows now that my door is always open to her. She told me that she didn't want me to stay away, if I needed anything to let her know.

 

I guess I just felt so darn guilty. She wanted that baby so badly, and ours was a surprise kind of deal. Doesn't mean I love ours any less, but of course I had those feelings of not being ready for this again so soon and finances and all of those other things that crop up when you have a life altering surprise. I feel like she probably didn't go through any of that. That's probably not rational, but then most guilt isn't.

 

Thanks, ladies, you really helped so much and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!

 

ETA: Here's the poem I found to put in her card. May it help anyone else who has undergone such a loss.

 

I'll Hold You in Heaven

 

From the very beginning I loved you,

As I made plans to hold you and rock you:

You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,

But something went wrong and soon you were gone;

My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,

I'd never known such heartache and pain.

 

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,

Do you have my smile and his eyes?

Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?

We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.

It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,

Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

 

I'll hold you in heaven someday,

When my trials on earth pass away;

The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,

I know you're waiting for me;

I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",

But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

 

In loving memory of Darrell Keith and Melody Joy Taylor.

 

 

© 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved

 

Mo7

[Jennysmama]

MommofSeven, I know you must feel relieved to know that your friend isn't going to shut you out. I think you're being a wonderful friend to her, and she will always remember your kindness.

[Darlene]

I've been in her shoes and your shoes.

 

When it was me that miscarried, I needed space. The pain was too deep and it was very difficult to pretend I was happy for others when there was a huge hole in my heart.

 

You'll just hafta pray for guidance on this one, giving her time to emotionally heal and also being supportive at the same time.

[MommyofSeven]

Yes, Darlene, that's about what I thought. I've decided to let her come around me at her own pace, and I'll be ready if she needs anything. If, when the baby gets here, she wants to come see it, of course she'll be welcome, and if not, that's OK, too; I don't know that I'd want to in her shoes.

 

Thank you to everyone who commented on this, I really appreciate your input. I tried talking to an older friend of mine who's just in general got a lot of life experience, and what she said boiled down to "it doesn't count." That angered me so much, and I just knew you ladies would know what to do. I hate it when people treat a miscarriage as a non-event. Whether you've ever held that baby or not, whether or not it ever drew breath, you love it and have all of these hopes and dreams for it. That's a loss.

 

Much love,

Mo7

[Jennysmama]

That's so true, Mo7...it's true of miscarriages and of adoptions that fall through. I've been through both. I think you're handling this situation very well.

[MomHomeSchools4]

My I suggest a website for support for lost children.

 

www.misschildren.org

 

The folks here are SO supportive. It's so nice to go there and talk about the babies, or older children that have been lost and not get one of "those looks" Its a discussion board much like this, just for those who have been hurt by the lose of a child.