Crazy4Canning

Hello Everyone. I thought I'd have the week before my defense to study, actually study. I should have realized there would be some way my folks would make it otherwise. To begin, the initial guardian had to file papers, removing me from guardian and recommending the lady of my choice. I specifically requested he tell my parents that he was merely filing 90 day paperwork and to leave the announcement of a new guardian to me. When the new guardian came on, I would introduce her and there would be very little confusion, stress, etc. That's not how it happened. This man took it upon himself, for whatever reason, to tell my parents, albeit politely and respectfully, that they would have a guardian and it wouldn't be me. They were surprised to say the least. Dad demanded an immediate visit, IN PERSON. I put him off because I would have been backed into a corner and railroaded, something not healthy or respectful to anyone. They had a doctor's appointment, so we chatted then. As soon as the door was closed, both parents turned on me, "Why are you abandoning us? We only agreed to the guardianship because you said you would take care of us. We don't want a stranger. How dare you do this? " I did have a lovely little speech prepared . . . .and I realized it didn't matter. They would never 'hear' it, not really, in a million years, so why bother? The doctor came in and assured them (she had advance notice this was happening) that professional guardians could do things I couldn't and it would be for the best. So, every hurtful barb or comparison has been made - I'm rude, disrespectful, and abandoning them. I've been compared to my mother's older sister who is not a very nice person because I was asking questions and verifying IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR that indeed, my mother hadn't been checking her glucose nor taking meds as directed. I set up my parents' medical records online and discovered what I knew in part, for a while - that my mom is categorized as a 'uncontrolled diabetic', meaning she has made a deliberate choice her ENTIRE life to not treat her health condition. This has resulted in blindness, poor bone density, and a disease to ravage her body that could have been in check. Also aggravating the mix was a 'med mix-up' that Dad insinuated the pharmacy gave my mom the wrong eye drop, when instead it was plainly clear the mix-up was him. In addition to not needing to be filled (she had 3!), I had to spend most of a day doing damage control and putting out fires. I also apologized to the pharmacy staff profusely and my dad is banned from picking up meds at the pharmacy. I came home exhausted. It was 100 degrees that day. In the NW, that's HOT. I was tired, dehydrated, cranky, and frankly, a bit smelly. After a shower and some water, my husband asks, "What would make today a good day?" He took me to dinner and we tried to gain perspective. I know my parents are acting out, I knew they would. They do every month. It's just worse this time. This took the better part of a week away from my dissertation prep. Will it affect me badly? I can't say. I won't know until next week. I did contact my dad's psychologist and tell him of this this week's drama. His response was simple: "Thank you for telling me. Please keep me informed." When that is all you can do, what else is to be done? The guardianship could change hands this month or into September. I'm not sure. Until then, I hang on and be polite, pay the bills, and let them act up. Anything they do at this point adds fuel to the fact that they need a guardian. All I can do is wait . . . . and pray. Hugs to everyone.

Congratulations! I will never forget the day we signed for ours. I don't think I've signed my name so much in my life. As great a feeling as it was, I was also feeling very 'poor' because it was the only time in my life I've written a check for about $10k. I couldn't be happier for you!

I was cleaning my desk today and found an envelope with my parents' guardianship materials. It reminded me that I have a 90-day court appearance in two weeks. I called the elder care attorney today and spoke with her about options for guardianship. She explained that while some people keep one part (care of the person or financial) they often hand off the other to make things more balanced and easier. I told her about recent events and said that I needed someone to take over complete guardianship, for things had stayed the same for months and even gotten worse. I could not see it improving. Sadly, she agreed. I will hand off guardianship next week. They chose the same guardian I would have, without argument. The lady who will be looking after them is nice, firm, and very skilled. I've spoken with her and liked her. I am sure my parents will do well by her. I am sure it will be a bit different next week when I sign papers relieving me of guardianship, for now I'm not feeling freedom, but a keen sense of disappointment - for I realize that whatever I did, and however I did it, any suggestions I made - it was not good enough. I know it was no fault of my own, it's just the dynamics of their life. It saddens me, but they have made definite choices over the years and now they have to live by them. It's encouraged me to make different choices, ones that will benefit and not harm in the long run. The attorney said I did more than over 90% of the people she sees. She said that I intervened in a bad living situation and got a guardianship, something that will be in place until they die. She encouraged me, saying that piece of legislation alone will protect them more than anything else. I know it will be a shock for them, for when the guardianship turns over to someone else, for my husband and I have decided our financial support will stop as well. We have still been supporting my parents to sometimes a couple of hundred dollars a month. We will make sure they won't starve, but they need to live within a budget and a guardian will see to that. What will we do with that extra bit of money? I do believe time for my husband and I is in order. We will take a long weekend somewhere...and not pick up the phone.

Well, today I went with Dad to see the psychologist who did some tests on him two weeks ago. They thought the diagnosis of dementia was odd since he had very little trouble with memory. What the tests showed is a bi-polar tendency and that is in a 'down' phase at the moment, mainly because I've put a damper on the behavior. After doing some research, it does fit. I never would have thought of this. Of course, my dad disagreed. He's says he's not bi-polar and nothing affects him, like he has some kind of armor or something. His favorite statement "I'm a Christian so that doesn't affect me" was finally rendered null and void. He was trying to dismiss the test results as invalid because he was assuming that the psychologist was not Christian. I told him he was making a wide-based remark and that I was offended. It would be like someone saying I wasn't a decent person because I was a woman. He did see the flaw in his argument, but was reticent to admit things further. He did get upset with me for paying the psychiatrist's bills because he thought, "Gee, I'm on MediCare, they should be free." I had to explain to him that this was not the case, he still had a deductible. He continued to argue the point with me *in the doctor's office*. It's been painfully clear that he may not need meds (he wouldn't take them anyway) but counseling might prove helpful. I'm interested to see what the psych eval will find with the public defender.

This morning after court, Dad sat on my sofa and demanded the cash I was holding for him. He said it was unfair of me to not let him spend it as he saw fit. When I reminded him of why, he said that he hadn't contacted the scammers in months and didn't do that anymore. In his eyes, that was enough. We had a chat about needs versus wants, emergencies versus a bill. It was like he and I were talking about two separate things - maybe because we were. I could see I was getting no where. To escalate the situation was pointless, so I gave him the $250 I was holding for him. I was so tired and worn down, I really didn't care. If he spends it, (and I know he will), it will be gone. It literally wasn't worth the rift. Even though he sees it as "winning a spiritual battle and me submitting to his authority", I will save my energies for another battle another day. What amazes me is that he still doesn't realize the difference between an "emergency" and a want - like gas in the car or a few extra groceries. He just doesn't plan ahead and running out of things still justifies a crisis to him. He was complaining that he was out of toothpaste, cheese, and there wasn't enough money. I hate to see it in a few months when there is even less. The very first thing he will do is go out and get a money order and mail in their tithe so they can get the books they want from this ministry. He told me he would rather starve and tithe than not support the ministry. I had a meeting with the attorney today to explore options about the guardianship. She reminded me that processing things does take time, so we did need to continue with the 90 day paperwork due this month. She agreed that my list of needs did need to be addressed, and normally would be, without the family dynamics in play. It was a relief to hear someone else say, "Family dynamics are strange things. In spite of you wanting what's best for them, they seek something else. That's why they're in a guardianship." She did say that there were a few professional guardians who might see to "consult" with me for a monthly fee, to act as 'leverage' to help get things established, prior to taking over full guardianship. I said that I would love to try that for a month or so, then hand it off, for my parents won't magically change their ways for a stranger. It would also serve as a good transitional period and not be so abrupt so as to take more time away from my work. I am so glad to know there are options and that people are willing to help me explore them.

MtRider - that reason is why I became guardian in the first place - I didn't want to foist my parents off on complete strangers. I now see why public guardians exist and why there is a need for them. I did get my dad a gas card, for he was doing some volunteer work at his church, but I did not get them an extra grocery card yet. They will get one at the beginning of the month like everyone else. I cannot express how "done" I am with playing games and being manipulated. I know I'm a delayed processor, and my anger is kicking in. I'm trying not to let it get in the way of decision making. Hugs and blessings to everyone.

This past week has been nothing but battles. I'm so weary. What tipped the scales was a literal email battle between my parents and I. They wanted to tithe more than they had, I said no. They kept badgering me. I kept telling them they didn't have the money. They insisted, I said no. They wanted cash, I said no, I can't give you cash. They said, we ran out of groceries, we need a few things at the store. I said, tell me what you need. They couldn't say. See a pattern here? After a particularly pointed email telling my dad to stay home, do not come over, and that I would see him Tuesday morning at 8:30 for a drive to court, he showed up at my house Sunday morning. While he did pull some weeds in the front bed (I am grateful for that), I did not open the door. He waited for over an hour, even leaving a message on my husband's phone saying, "I'm here to talk to my daughter and get some money. Would you open the door?" He insisted it was an emergency that my mom was out of decongestant. (She takes this stuff daily.) I told him to call the doctor and get it prescribed. He refused and showed up at my house. This drama took up so much time, I missed a weekend of working on my dissertation and missed ANOTHER deadline. In addition, I felt like a prisoner in my own house. My dad did eventually leave. I was peeking out of the curtains like a mad woman. I drafted a letter to the lawyer asking for an appointment to explore guardian options. I also contacted his psychologist and forwarded the emails that he sent, demanding that I obey and honor his and my mother's requests. I realized this weekend that my parents agreed to the guardianship because they thought they could manipulate me and get what they wanted. They thought they would still have control and could boss me around like an 8 year old. I was going to wait until my dad's court case finished to pass off guardianship, but I was told that could be another 6 months. SIX MONTHS. I will not - no, I CAN NOT wait that long or wait for the day he becomes violent or endangers my life or the life of my family. My husband reminded me that there is nothing that I can do that is right my parents' eyes. Removing them from a bad situation wasn't enough. Neither was finding them a nice place, etc. I have done more than most would have done and I am not a miracle worker. Perhaps a stranger can reach them where I can't. I have an appointment with the attorney tomorrow to seek a professional guardian for them.

The most recent one to my knowledge is 2009, Anniversary Edition. Don't forget the fab website at U of Georgia, at the National Centers for Food Preservation: http://nchfp.uga.edu/how/can_home.html

I have to toss in my few cents here as a person who has a Kosher kitchen and who eats kosher. Yes, omit the pork. Sometimes you can add beef broth or other pure sources of flavor. Molasses is a good flavor. Until you hit on a favorite, do a few jars of beans with different things in them. Write down on the lid which jar is which or keep a list somewhere. You'll hit on what you like. What I do is cook the beans with salt (canning salt) by themselves and then toss them into whatever recipe I use - that way I have great shelf diversity and am not locked into a particular item like baked beans (which we rarely use). I can just grab kidney beans, black beans, refried beans, etc. Also, you might be interested that this came up in a study group of mine recently. We were talking about someone's trip to Israel and how she was always the one to open the wine at their dinner table. You did know that if someone opens a bottle of wine who is Jewish, the wine becomes Kosher because of the bracha? Oh yes, it's true. I like to think that the blessings I say in my kitchen as I prepare my food also help in this way. As you probably know from your Kosher studies, it's not just the lack of pork that makes something kosher - the act of being kosher is actually a discipline. I have separate boards, knives, measuring cups for meat, dairy, and pareve. I do not have the luxury of 3 sets of cookware, so should I need to cook bacon for my husband, I have a special pan I use for traif. The Rabbis generally believe that the *process* is what consecrates, though when you boil wine, you spoil it, hence, the bracha making it Kosher. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more. Shalom Alecheim to your Husband and You

The canned breads and cakes are a big "No No" A few years back, someone sent jars of cake to some troops overseas. Somehow it got by all security checks. By the time it arrived in the hot desert, botulism was in full swing. It took way too long for someone to narrow down the illness to a care package. It was very sad that we almost killed our own troops instead of the enemy. This is the best example I know of a reason NOT to can cakes and breads.

Echoing Violet's comment and concerns, I have to toss in my few cents about tomato sauce. I freeze it. I add my home-canned tomatoes (done by BBB standards) and I sometimes will use a store-bought base. For me, it all depends on the purpose. Since my DH is adverse to spaghetti sauce, I just can the tomatoes for multi-purpose use. We live in a small bungalow and I have to save space. That's the great thing about Mrs S - you always learn something new.

Annarchy - I did try to pay their bills in front of them and Dad kept taking the check book from me and demanding to know why he couldn't do it. It took *forever*. He kept questioning of paying by the internet was safe. How did I know "big brother" and the 'bad guys' weren't watching every move I made? Hence why I just pay the bills, set most everything up for online payment and drop by a rent check once a month. He still seems to take great pleasure in coming up with "Oh, by the way, we need money for . . . " Everything to him was an emergency. I had to remove all the drama he was thriving off of, and let him see you CAN live without it. He still searches for it and every once in a while finds it. Violet - My dad's dementia is of a higher functioning sort. His form of dementia, and we're still searching for a precise definition, is dealing with numbers, math, precise details, higher order thinking, and the like. Driving literally uses a different part of the brain. He can get confused if he's not been in a certain area before, but who doesn't? Believe me, if his driving were affected, I would have his license pulled. I can do that. Right now, he is safe and I really don't need or want to be my parents' chauffeur. Sue - Yes, you are right. All my learning has not been for nothing. I've learned such a tremendous amount. If only to, at the end, remind myself that I CAN, but CHOOSE not to. My husband has been most supportive. Jeepers - Yes, mid-sixties. Hard to believe. I'm not yet 40 myself. That's why I look at the next, what? 30+ years and ask myself WHY? Why should I compromise my life because my parents failed to plan? Looking back over my life, and going through the paperwork helps, I realize that they have probably always lived a little beyond their means. We always had big houses, lots of *stuff* and we went to private school. How they paid for it, I really don't know.

Thanks for all the advice. The paper list was a grand idea - I will certainly do it. I cam already anticipate that not much will be changed, with the exception of my dad's court situation. About their monthly accounting - I have always given them a spreadsheet for expenses coming in and going out. ALWAYS. And yes, I will have to give an accounting for EVERY PENNY spent by me for their 'estate' to the courts. I am hoping to request a court mandate that they can only spend so much on tithe and to force their hand to get rid of the storage unit. My big complaint has always been that they aren't dealing with their storage (out of sight, out of mind) and that is bill is one-tenth of their current income. $125/mo is a chunk of change. It's a car payment! Now that Mom is getting money, she doesn't think there is a need to change, basically because of her over-spiritual justification that "God has told them" to hold on to all of their stuff. I've come to the conclusion that my sister-in-law and a good friend (who I've known for over 20 years) are right - that my parents haven't treated me as a daughter for a long time and they don't have boundaries, good communication skills, etc. I believe the technical psychological term is that they are content in their enmeshment, thrive in their dysfunction, and structure their reality to suit themselves. This is why, no matter how I would present Scripture, any supporting texts or authors, etc. that I will always be wrong. I have been wrong since I was 18 and began to come into my own as a person and adult. I will never do a right thing or be a good person in their eyes. I took on the guardianship because I am the only living child - my younger sister died tragically in early 2002. I did it out of respect for my parents because I had to *try* to do what was right by them; because though I may disagree with their spiritual interpretations, they are still my parents. I was hoping that by modeling what I had never been shown - love, communication, common sense, practicality, restraint, etc., that perhaps they could see a different type of life was available to them; one where they could live within their means. I realize now that I don't think they will ever see it. I'm also beginning to see that I'm dealing with a life-long pattern here and it's something that I can't fix. I can suggest fixes, but they must take ownership for their actions. Living with the consequences of a lifetime of behavior is hard. I think they are just now realizing how hard it can be. I will tell you this, though. It has made me even more determined to do BETTER than I was raised, to make better decisions, and wiser ones. I have learned to treat people with greater respect, watch what I say, and do more good than I receive, and value my friends. I've watched my mother alienate friends, family, and people around her because it's 'her way or the highway' and over 20 years ago, I made a choice to be different. I will know when it's time to let go. For now, though, I will hang in there and make what decisions I feel is for their best interest, as I have been mandated to do by the courts. When I gave them their monthly spreadsheet yesterday, it showed no tithe, simply because there wasn't money after their bills. I will NOT over-draw them at the bank simply because they want me t0, not when they're over-spending. Hugs to you all.

Well, if you don't hear from me for a while, you know there's a reason. The past almost 3 weeks have been full with parent stuff. I was able to take a few days and get some writing done, but not enough. In spite of it though, I did meet with my professor and he thought what I had done was excellent. I have one more huge chapter to go, then a final review. After I came back from the coast, I had a meeting with a private investigator for my father's criminal case. These meetings were like depositions! They went into such levels of detail, it was amazing. His requests for documents left me opening 7 years (yes, 7, literally) of my dad's mail. Seems when he did open mail, he put it back into the envelope. All this was tossed into a box, sometimes manila envelopes. He called this 'filed'. Ummm...in who's world? So, I had to sort, clean, and toss things. It took me sometimes 2 days per box. We had almost an extra bin of recycling. I kept hoping for papers that might exonerate him but found more to condemn. What I found was that for over 7 years they were living well beyond their means. When my mom fell and broke her hip almost 7 years ago, Dad had to stop working, take early retirement and take care of her, particularly since she fell blind soon after. It's a rather sad journey, actually. My folks beat the recession by about 2 years. They went from living in the house they were going to keep through retirement to declaring a bankruptcy (again) and moving into a rental. That house, in all honesty, was too much for them, but he kept doing it anyway. Once he got caught up in the email scams, it was all over, but the fact that he did it for 4 years in a row is just incomprehensible. Every utility was past due when they left their old city. I've had a couple debts cancelled, but one may not go away. Last night, though, was rough. My parents called me over for a "meeting". I took my husband. I knew that it was going to be a 'beat up on me' session. A little background - Ever since my mom found out earlier in the week she is getting social security to bring them up about $500/ month, she is wanting to do the Biblical 'tithe' of 10%. No amount of reason can tell her that the past, almost decade, of living from hand to mouth has left them with NO cash reserve and that I, under no circumstances, can give them cash money from their checking accounts. This is my personal vent here - I think that the organizations they want to support are shiesters. They seek to take money from those who can't afford it in return for some flawed doctrine and philosophy. So. Stepping off, the soapbox. .. My mom felt that I was being stand-offish and rude when I told her they couldn't afford to tithe $200 a month, she wanted to do it anyway and she was going to have her way. She thought I was deliberately not returning calls to her, I just talked to whomever picked up the phone, not her specifically. She said I was being 'heavy-handed' with their money and I had no right not to let them spend it how they chose. Thankfully, my husband acted as intermediary, excusing me for not picking up the phone every single time they called. He also got them off the tithing box and focused on getting a new vehicle and other needs like a new chair or furniture. With her extra income, inside of a year, they could save up enough money for a decent car. My husband said the court may force car payments because of credit history, mom refused the idea. It seemed like any idea that wasn't hers, she refused. This went on for an hour. I ended up apologizing for not returning her phone calls, telling her it was also her obligation to tell me if she wanted something because I wasn't always able to check my voice mail. I told her that if she wanted to talk to me, when I called, she needed to tell Dad, and then tell me what she wanted, that she needed to hold ownership for this too. I just can not believe how stubborn she is. I don't think she realizes that if I were to give up guardianship, they would get a public official who would NOT let them tithe as much or interact with them as much as they want. A public guardian would force vacation of the storage unit and wouldn't care how it was done. Ugh. They received monthly checks yesterday, so I have to head over to their place today some time this weekend and drop by a gas card, pick up some cat food, and some scrips. I want to think my low tolerance of this drama is due to my dissertation stress level and my hormones (terrible girly time this month) but my realistic self is beginning to think not. I hate to admit it, but I may well give up guardianship. In so doing, I may give up all support as well (Costco, etc.) My sister-in-law reminded me quite painfully, that my parents and I hold different ethics and boundaries. They are in their mid-sixties and I have to deal with this every month for the next, oh, 25 or so YEARS. (25 x 12 = 300, times 2, one for each parent). It will constantly be a battle to meet their needs while maintaining some level of non-extremism. She also reminded me that they are still in deep denial - and that not once have they said 'thank you' or admitted how bad the previous living situation was. If I do bring in a guardian, I just can't imagine all of my work for the past 7 months being for nothing. . . .

My husband tried the SuperCat stove as well (the cat food tin) and the Vargas was based on it. He's a gadget guy and wanted something that would not bend, no matter what.

You have to watch prices. Out here, in the Northwest, I alternate between Costco for sugar and flour, and United Grocers, a bulk grocery supply store. Last summer I found 20# of sugar for $13. I bought 3. Why? Because at the time, 4# of sugar was almost $6. I didn't need but a few pounds for canning things, but we tossed it in buckets and stored it. I called my husband to help me unload it and he looked at the price. He grinned while shouldering the bag and said, " At least there will be cookies during the zombie apocalypse."

A squash room is like an indoor tennis or raquet ball court.

Violet must be busy, otherwise she would have chimed in by now, I'm sure. When I had to buy a freezer a couple of years ago, I did buy an upright - simply because I could not bend and lift at that awkward of an angle required of chest freezers. Also, looking ahead to the day when I might be "out-to-there" pregnant (no, I'm not currently!) I did want something for ease of use. I did get the manual defrost, for it keeps things colder, longer. It also forces me to keep things tidy by going through it seasonally. I have a Frigidaire upright I bought from Home Everything online. They had FREE SHIPPING to my driveway where my DH and Dad wrestled it into the basement. True, the door and top shelves are the first to unthaw if a door is left ajar, and your floor DOES need to be absolutely level as with any upright freezer. Westie is brilliant with the mulit-uses for the flat top of a chest freezer. Since I purchased my new upright freezer two years ago, my dad has since given me a small chest freezer. It comes in really handy for those sizes of beef and things that are packaged. I would second the idea of using milk crates or wire baskets for organization. You have to stay organized or go insane. Enjoy your new freezer! I was so thrilled when I got mine!

I am still amazed at what respect having guardianship papers in your hands can bring. I pass those across the desk and formerly lackadaisical folks give me an eye, perk right up, and get to work. I won a small victory today. I got my mom some social security money. I was at the office earlier in the week and was told I needed a copy of my dad's birth certificate. I went to the vital records to get it and awaited my phone conference today. After a battery of questions, she is eligible for more than I thought. I am pleasantly surprised. When I told her, she was surprised as well. It suddenly creates breathing room in a really tight budget. It means we can pay off the attorney by the end of the year rather than waiting until next August. It also means that I can start a "funeral fund" for each parent. In my state, you can have a trust set up as 'funeral fund' not to exceed $1200 per person for funeral expenses. It doesn't mean interest can't capitalize, but it sits FROZEN until death. I was talking with my husband about this and, God forbid, should one of my folks die tomorrow, I do not want to be on the hook for a funeral. It would drain us and put us in hock beyond our means. Her social security also gives some money, as it is accumulated, for living expenses and replacement of items that are in terrible condition such as her easy chair. I told my mom to make a list and we would chat about the needs and wants. She may or may not get it by June, but I know it is coming. At least it gives her something happy to dream about. This was the only bright spot in the week. I spent the week sorting through boxes dad gave me of bills to turn over to his public defender. Inspite of my deadlines, I had a choice to do it myself or they would subpoena it. Needless to say, I did the work myself. I'm sad to say the papers I found were more damning than exonerating. Even though I was anticipating it, it's something else entirely to hold that piece of paper in your hand and realize it's levity. Thanks for all your kind words! Hugs to everyone!

Well, I went away for a week to the coast. I was exhausted. It took me almost a full day to rest and shift gears mentally. I did get some good work done, but I needed another couple of weeks to really wrap it up. I came back to find a sick kitty. My little sidekick had gone into hiding and we almost lost her. Evidently cats can get sick from missing someone too much. I felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do. She had a high fever and a raging infection. Thankfully, she is doing better now. While I was gone, I only answered the phone from my husband and returned a very important call. I didn't pick it up for any other reason. It was refreshing and nice, in a way, to be 'single' again. I enjoyed some lovely food, some gorgeous sunsets and did recharge. I missed being home terribly, but needed to go. Also, while I was gone, rather than call my husband for extra money, my dad went into the bank and withdrew some money, not once, but twice. He knows he's not supposed to, but both he and my mom are acting out now. They thought the guardianship would be 'paper only' and allow them to do everything as usual. They didn't fully understand what rights would be taken away even though I explained it to them a few different times and ways. Mostly though, he was chafing because his debit card didn't work. Before I left, I cancelled his and my mother's debit cards because I set up the guardianship account and in an effort to keep him from spending what he shouldn't. I thought this would help prevent that. Even though I flagged the account, I should have known he would have found a way to get money out. Because the current bank account is 'regular', he can still withdraw any money he feels like, in spite of any flags I set. We had a chat about it and how bad it made me look, not to mention my secondary guardian, to have random cash disappear. He didn't understand, and still to some degree doesn't understand, why he can't control money or why he can't pay bills his way. I try to explain to him that it was because of the email scams. His reply is always, "But I don't do that anymore. So why can't I have money?" My SIL who is my secondary guardian, went with me yesterday to visit with my parents. She said that she did notice a difference in my dad from a few years ago. She agreed that he was high functioning but it was still very apparent Dad wasn't all there. She backed me up on why Dad can't have cash and encouraged shopping lists, meal planning, etc., things I've been encouraging for a while. It was really good to have someone there to back me up. I've felt very much alone through this. I am running to the VA administrative office today to forward banking information to the new bank account. Tomorrow morning will result in yet another hour spent in the social security office. I was there yesterday but didn't have 'certified' copies of guardianship papers. Go figure. Social Security needs actual real copies even though every other agency, including the VA take 'copies'. I was able to secure some meager monies for my mom through Social Security - spousal benefits and early draw on her Social Security. I have no idea how much yet, but any little bit helps. And yesterday, talking with my SIL, I went over some papers I forgot I had. I am forced to share them with my dad's attorney and am cringing, for they make him look bad. I know that I can't hold onto them, for if they are ever found, all the money and effort I've spent building my professional degree could be for naught. I realized that all the ethics I've been holding on to and preaching about my entire life, came down to that moment. Yes, I hesitated before mailing the envelope. Yes, I hated myself for doing it, but I had to. Some things are just too big a burden to carry alone.

I hope it doesn't sound empty to say I'm sorry. I've been through the loss of grandparents 3 times over and it's never easy. At least part of the sting was removed by her peaceful departure surrounded by family. It always seems more poignant that we haven't build and solid roots when we lose someone. I find myself in a similar place now, without 'roots' so to speak. Hugs and comfort to you.

So many times I've posted here out of frustration. Today is not one of those days. Today was a Good Day. Yes, with capital letters for emphasis. The guardianship for my parents went through last week and I just got papers yesterday. I've been to the bank to set up the Guardianship account, but transferring government money can take a bit. This entire morning was spent at the physician's office. It went well, because yesterday I called ahead to speak with the nurse case manager and informed her why we were seeing this particular doctor, giving particular details on both parents. Just that 20 minutes on the phone made today go so much smoother. For Mom, they adjusted her diabetes meds, wanting to get her on oral meds completely over the summer, something she was thrilled to do, for she hates injections. One type of oral med was switched to a buffered, extended release and she was given a statin that won't upset her stomach. They will schedule pap smears, mammogram, and other stuff as needed. They also did comprehensive lab work. For Dad, they prescribed new meds - BP meds, prostate meds, and allergy meds. She recommended tapering off his current BP meds until the VA could fill them. She was very surprised the VA kept prescribing it when it obviously wasn't working. He also got comprehensive lab work. The doctor shared something very interesting about prostate health. She said that with the proper meds, quality of living can be maintained. Even if he does have prostate cancer (as his numbers suggest), studies have shown that with meds and not radiation, people can still live productively. I was so relived to hear that, particularly since it was such a concern. Oh, and the physician is a crackerjack! Come to find out, she is not just an MD, but she also has a master's in Health Care Administration. She worked at the VA for a while and knows all the hoops, rules, and regulations. She is also very skilled at finding resources. I'm so grateful we found her! At the end of the appointment, I spoke with the doctor for I noticed we hadn't talked about dementia. She smiled and said that the referrals take time, and by the time of their next appointment she will have things lined up to get him into psych and memory care. I smiled when she said that she never wanted a new patient's first appointment to be primarily focused on dementia. She knew that Dad's dementia was slow moving and wanted the next few months to prove to him that it is needed and not a medication reaction. I whole-heartedly agreed. She also stated that too many changes at once can cause the most needed ones to be forgotten. Very true, so we focused on what we can change right now and will deal with other things as we can. After treating my folks to lunch, I ran across town to the eye clinic and dropped off papers for my mom - she's having laser surgery tomorrow and I needed them to have a copy of the guardianship. I spoke at length with the nurse about my mom's care and resources for her. She said that she didn't know why my mom hadn't been referred for blind training or sight aids, particularly since she's been seen there for SIX YEARS. I'm taking steps to remedy that. My goal this summer is to get her training in Braille and anything else she may need. I didn't realize there was government grant money for this. I ended my travels today at the VA (Veteran's Administration) that is a few miles from my house. Because my dad's meds were service related, I had to drop scrips by, as well as guardianship paperwork. Getting dad the meds he needs may be a bit more convoluted now, but easier in the long run. I'll let things stew for a week or so and contact them after I get back on the 16th. My actual work ended about an hour ago in a brief conversation with my favorite DSHS social worker, for I sent her copies of guardianship forms and inquired about sight resources for my mom. I shared her elation that the guardianship is legal, that I have more authority than I did to act on my parents' behalf, and I realized that now some of the stress can go away. While she was quick to remind me that stress will never completely go away, she stated that some of the most difficult things have been dealt with. What almost put me into tears was the joy in her voice at hearing good news about my parents' health care and finding a physician. She actually said, "Great job!" Now that everything's done, I realize I'm exhausted. I'm going to order in a pizza and watch tv. My brain can't take much more. But, for all the past months have led up to, today was a good day - a really solid step in their care that actually began back in November when I moved them to my city. Now - this next week I am getting away to work on my dissertation. I am leaving on Sunday, returning Friday. I am piling all my books and papers into boxes and taking off to get some serious work done. I may have to get away once more before everything is said and done, but that's okay. My goal this summer is to finish the dissertation. I so value this community. All the private notes and emails brighten my day and carry me through when I get so frustrated. Thanks, everyone!

Thanks for the love! The guardianship did go through without a hitch, although the judge did request some minute change in the paperwork. I am waiting for my copy so I can take it to the bank and change things over to eliminate my dad from having access. I want it ASAP so we can get things set up next month's SS & VA monies come in. I did make doctors (regular MD) appointments for both parents next week and will be going with them. They both tell me that I don't and shouldn't be there, that they don't need me or want me there. Um, sorry mom and dad, but I need to be. I'm under court order *to be* present and get a handle on their health and affairs because they can't and won't. We are getting complete physicals for them both, referrals to a diabetes specialist for my mother and referral to a urologist or whatever specialist necessary for my dad and his prostate issues. I've also called ahead to request a phone call pre and post with the physician. It's amazing what can be done with a simple paper. Should they continue to fight me, I have no problem doing what I can and going before the judge in 3 more months and telling the truth, that my parents aren't being cooperative. For some reason, I have it in my head that I have to try it for the 3 months, out of respect. I don't know where I got that from, but I'll give it a go. The bad thing is that the 3 month deadline coincides with finishing my dissertation. It's going to be a crazy few months. This week's big deal was going 'round with dad about their microwave. Years ago, they bought a very expensive convect microwave. Why anyone outside of food service needs a microwave this expensive, I don't know. To tell you the truth, the thing cost around $600 or $700. Anyhow, it broke. Dad took it in for repair without telling me or discussing options. The reapairs were $120! This was 3 times the cost of the one I have! We had to have a small pow wow about how we need to discuss these things because there isn't much money for this at all. He was put out that he had to discuss it rather than 'just deal with it' and he didn't realize that for the twice a year he uses the convect feature, he could use the regular oven, even though it is dismal. He has a better understanding now, but I know this won't be the last time we discuss money and its uses. From what I understand, his reaction to the situation is pretty normal of someone with dementia. He's going along patterns of established behavior and is literally somewhere else in his mind. I've been reading about dementia and it's very sad. My heart aches with the knowing that there may come a day when he won't know me or unwillingly endanger my mom. On a different note, I did realize that I've been doing too much. A friend of mine encouraged me to go out of town and helped me find a screaming good rate at an inn near the coast for a week. I will be gone the 6th through the 12th. I firmly believe it will help me refine my focus and get things done because, Lord knows, I've not been able to get much done here. I hope to knock out some chapters and be on the way to finishing so I can meet my June deadline of being done with writing. I will likely have to return for a week later in June, but I'm fine with that. I've been saving money so it won't be a huge burden. My husband is a bit jealous that I am getting away without him, but I told him I will be working. I have to get away and work. I promised him a week somewhere, just he and I, when I am done. On a brighter note, I spent a few days with my nephew working on a 5th grade science project - rock candy! He ended up placing 3rd for his class!

Ambergris - Well, for one, I don't have a key to the unit. I can't demand one or change the lock until the Guardianship goes through. That, and stuff is stacked in there so tight, I would have to move half of odd stuff to get to the boxes. He's got furniture, tools, etc. Also, my dad has stacked things 12 feet high, as high as the ceiling will allow, simply because he can. He literally tosses things and I literally fear for my safety when I go over there. Also, I can't lift much since my shoulder seized a year and a half ago, so I am dependent on someone else for the work. I could hire someone, but I"m not sure who. I have no doubt I will make short work of it, but I have to be able to focus and get it done. Right now, there are other things more important demanding my attention. Another factor is that the unit is not 'enclosed', but has a draw-door like a garage and you are standing outside while sorting. Out winters has been so wet, we've not been able to address this at all. I really don't want to do it for them, for it strips them of their humanity. Dad needs to do it because the mess is his. He still has enough faculties to resolve this. I strongly feel, as does the psychologist, that he needs to resolve some of his chaos and thereby own some of the stress he's brought into the family. In small units, we can manage it. Should he not be able to finish the job, I will, but I really need him to make an effort. If it were up to me, I'd do it in a few days and be done, and he and my mom (who is completely blind now) would NOT be happy with me. I'd recycle a boatload of paper and give a bunch of stuff away, but that doesn't help him at all. And, no. They don't know what they have, so they don't know what would be missing. I am prepared to do it - but later. Jeepers, I am working on a letter and will more than likely send it in May, so they have time to plan.

Hello, All. Let me begin by saying “thank you”. After pulling my last post a couple of days ago, I got a flurry of private messages urging me to post because not only were people interested in dementia, they cared about me. I am so touched. The community here at Mrs. S. cannot be compared to any other. So, here it is. Well, yesterday was a trip out of state and almost an hour away to get the trial date moved for Dad’s lawsuit with his brother. As we were waiting, I noticed Dad put his phone number down wrong again on the court form. I looked and realized the past few times he's done the same thing. I said, “Hey, Dad, is that right? I think your prefix is different. Isn’t it xxx?” He looks and blinks a few times. “Ummmm. Yes.” He slowly scratches it out and I see he doesn’t remember. The prefix he wrote was completely random, one he's never had before. He’s been at that number since November, almost 6 months. This is typical of the form of dementia he has. I did have some hope – the public defender is conducting an investigation because he doesn’t think court paperwork was filed correctly. If this is so, we may get a dismissal. I’m just amazed at how long this can drag out. The guardianship hearing for my dad here in my town, was rescheduled from last month, simply because the judge did not have enough time to review the case. It will go through with absolutely no questions or opposition because, thankfully, the psychologist skillfully showed the need for guardianship of the person and the estate. My father did show some kinds of moderate dementia (like the phone number incident), although he is still highly functional, and my mother because she's physically handicapped blind was classified as a "highly vulnerable adult.” This basically means, that I will be paying their bills, looking out for their physical and financial well-being, and in essence making major choices for them. At this point, they are still able to live independently, and I want them to for as long as possible. For those who don't know, guardianship is a really amazing and highly detailed thing. When granted guardianship of someone, they still retain some legal rights like the right to drive and the right to vote, but other rights like the right to enter into business agreements, do legal transactions like buying a car or rent a storage unit, or work with money, or even marry or divorce, can be taken away. This is the type of guardianship that will happen for my parents. So far, they are able to care for themselves in the capacity that I don't have to be over there on a daily basis. At this point, I pay their bills every month, but have not been active in making doctors appointments and scheduling other personal maintenance, or meal planning. Once the guardianship goes through late next week, it will allow me to move on their behalf, more than I have been and will put an end to some things like Dad using the debit card at will. I will be able to schedule doctors appointments for both of them as well as apply for early Social Security for my mother. This is a huge relief because before they moved, she was denied many times, largely because my dad didn’t fill out the forms correctly. The happy news is that my mother did get approved for state medical coverage. So once she gets ID cards, the co-pays will be minimal. I have been wrestling with two main things lately, regarding my parents. Perhaps you can advise. One, is their storage unit. They are paying about $125 each month for the luxury of storing things in somebody else's space. The past few months as I paid their bills, we have run short of money because of this expense. I have told them and get the answer “We need it. I don’t’ know what you expect us to do. We have to store things.” Pretty much, they are putting off dealing with the issue. With the guardianship, I hope to be able to encourage them to deal with the storage unit and sort through all the boxes inside. I am not looking forward to the confrontation regarding this huge mess. I know for fact, there are boxes in that unit had not been sorted through in probably 10 years or more. Much of it is paper that can be shredded and recycled. It just has to be sorted. I am more than willing to help with this process after my dissertation is completed in June. Until then, it's a matter of planting a seed to encourage the process and not fighting over it. Legally, I will have the power to force them to completely get rid of it, but I’m all for trying other methods first. I think the main thing that I'm wrestling with is my parents’ statement, "God has not told us to get rid of X, Y, Z." This statement literally makes me want to slam my head into a wall. I'm going to have to fight head-on with this over-spiritualization and deal with their amazing clutter and possessions. I’m not asking them to get rid of precious things, but boxes of papers and disorganization. When things are in storage, you don’t see them and you literally end up paying more than the items originally cost. They just can’t afford the luxury of not dealing with their stuff. My husband had the brilliant idea of reminding my parents how they did not initially like the idea of moving, of living in an apartment, or other changes that happened over the past few months, and how each one has turned out to help them, not hurt them. I hope if things are explained properly, and openly, with love and support, we can come to an agreement and deal with the storage issue. The second main issue I'm wrestling with is that for years of my growing up, my parents worked with student exchange programs in Japan and have made some very close friends. This summer, some of these friends will be visiting our town and, as of now, will potentially be staying with my parents for a few nights. As it stands now, my folks are not able to deal with visitors for more than a few hours, let alone overnight or those from another country. While their hearts are big, and they do have an extra bedroom with furniture, the reality is that, for a myriad of reasons, it just cannot happen. So, I feel the need to intervene and draft a letter, politely explaining that they would be better suited to stay hotel rather than with my parents; that we would still be open to having dinner and visiting, but other accommodations will have to be made. Having traveled abroad, I know that if if ‘the shoe were on the other foot’, I would not be one to place a huge burden on friends who were unable to properly return the honor of being host. So, Mrs. S., we are a diverse community. Anyone who is Japanese or have a Japanese spouse who can guide me in more detail? I want to be as respectful as possible in dealing with this. On a more personal note, I am dealing with stress better. Thankfully, chiropractic adjustments have kept headaches at bay and my husband's gym membership allows me to go for free. Now that it's spring, I will start planting things in the garden again. The chickens now number five and are slowly getting over their winter "strike" of non-laying. I am over the halfway mark my dissertation. This past week and a half very rough for me because my writing was really terrible. In reviewing it with my professor we had to laugh at the way some sentences were structured and what I said because it was truly not my usual excellent work. I so wish I knew someone in the area with the beach house or mountain cabin where I could go for couple of weeks to pound this out to get it done. I really need to work in uninterrupted way and I just cannot afford to stay even in a cheap hotel for a while. So, thank you again for all your wonderful wishes, kind remarks, and words of encouragement. In the nicest note, someone described dealing with dementia as an ongoing puzzle or maze. That is exactly the way I feel. Some days you could slip right through and get done, and others, you keep hitting those dead ends and it is completely overwhelming. What I find the saddest though, is that at some point, my father will not know me. Your prayers and support mean more than you know.