Thinking of having kids?

[Clovis]

WARNING:PUT DOWN ALL LIQUIDS BEOFRE READING!

This is sooo cute and a little more than true. LOL

 

 

Thinking of Having Kids?

Do this 11 step program first!

 

 

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

 

 

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

 

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

 

 

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10 PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45 AM.

7. Get up at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4 AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

 

 

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

 

 

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

 

 

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

 

 

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

 

 

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

 

 

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

 

 

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

 

 

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

 

 

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is a parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

 

 

 

 

[DenimDaze]

too true, too true.

 

Lesson 12-

 

Stop buying new clothes. The ones you have will have to last you many years. Forget fashion, fashion is for the childless people. Take the clothes you have and smear food and bodily fluids on the shoulders and chest area of the shirts, and the thighs of your pants and skirts.

Start learning the strengths and weaknesses of every spot remover on the market. Forget about makeup, applying makeup takes time you won't have. Sometimes a shower takes time you won't have. Its ok, the diaper smell will hide your smell.

[nmchick]

So true, NYDebbie. We're going to take a week long visit to my inlaws soon. I've started to think about what clothes to take. Ha! I don't have a week of presentable clothes, which usually doesn't matter because I do laundry EVERY DAY. I *might* have three shirts that don't have holes or stains, but only if I don't wear them between now and the trip!

 

But I have two darling children. Wouldn't have any other way. And I did get a shower today.

 

 

[Jewlzm]

lol that is so true! I have 3 darling children . and once they hit 5 it seems that the food all over drops to only 3 to 4 times a week..

 

 

13. FOrget taking a shower or going to the bathroom uninterrupted. When going have someone knock on the door repeatedly until you get tired of it and finally come out.

I got a shower last night without anyone knocking on the door. So I count that as a plus!

[CrabGrassAcres]

A few years ago I told my daughter I was no longer answering to "Mommy". So she started saying "Hey", instead. LOL

[S.K.]

you all are too funny

 

but all so try.

but i love all my kids and would not changed ot for nothing

[ArmyOfFive4God]

Originally Posted By: CrabGrassAcres

A few years ago I told my daughter I was no longer answering to "Mommy". So she started saying "Hey", instead. LOL

I told mine I was changing my name. Now when they aggravate me, they know to call me Princess Hawook Hawokka. Once that comes out of their mouths (especially the little one who say "Pwinc's wookawokka), I'm laughing & I forget how aggravated I am.

[RusticOkie]

*sigh

 

I'm only beginning and its all so true! lol

[michelle]

That is sooo TRUE! I was laughing hard reading this dh came in from outside to check on me! (I think clovis has been spying in my impala!) And my ds broke our dvd player by stuffing it with coins! Don't ask what he did to my cell and the satellite box. Who needs EMP and SHTF? I have 2 kids!

[zzelle]

true true