ROBIE Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 As we start 2012, I want to thank everyone for your educational posts over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR . . . Robie Link to comment
Andrea Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 so true! Sometimes, we just have to laugh at ourselves! Now, where did I put that tinfoil . . . Link to comment
Amishway Homesteaders Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 now THAT was a fun , good one to read! So glad nothing like that happens to me. Link to comment
themartianchick Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I'm too afraid to move! Link to comment
windmorn Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Can I borrow that?!? I've got a couple of uncles that love to send emails. Link to comment
AMarthaByHeart Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Oh great, Robie! We had KFC for lunch--now does that mean I will become a horrible mutant freak? Link to comment
dogmom4 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 ROTFLOL! I actually heard the toilet flushing one and started putting my tooth brush in the cabinet....... Link to comment
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